I found out on Saturday (exactly 1 week before our 1 year anniversary) that my husband has been cheating for the past 9 months. It all started after we got married (september '09) when he started getting weird texts from this girl he worked with. He said it was about work stuff, but I checked his phone records and they constantly texted and called when I was either at school or work.
I don't think that he cheated with her (partly bc she looks like a man), but maybe the casual flirting was fun. After that, my trust went downhill. I constantly checked his phone records, was paranoid about everything he said, and basically didn't trust him. In oct-nov. '09 he was struggling with the death of his grandfather a lot, I think because of the holidays, etc. (he died in July '09). He kept wanting to spend time alone at his grandmothers house to deal with what he was going through (his grandmother stayed with his family in another state for 3 months and wasn't there when he was).
Of course after finding out about the phone stuff, this made me not trust him even more. I guess because I didn't trust him, we were arguing all the time because I didn't trust him, he started cheating on my in January '10. He said that they didn't have sex until April '10.
All this time I told him "if you aren't happy, just tell me. Being together when you aren't happy isn't going to make me happy, so just let me know. I won't be mad." He kept reassuring me that he was happy, wanted to work things out, wanted us to be like how we were. I knew I wanted to marry him after dating for only 3 months. I was with someone for 4 years and never felt like I wanted to marry the person.
Well, I found out because I knew the lock code on his phone and when he was in the shower, I looked through his phone. He had made a secret email account and in it were numerous emails. All this time I thought he had a secret phone and when I confronted him, I was right. He got a second job because he was stressing out about money and even though I didn't want him to work it, I let him because I didn't want him to be stressed out.
What bothers me the most is that he continuously stared me in the face, lied, made me feel like because I didn't trust him, and all this time I was RIGHT. He has been seeing her for nine months and he also told me that she is possible pregnant. I found out yesterday that she is, about 2.5-3 months now.
We don't have any children together. I am devasted. I was adopted and having biological children is extremely important to me. He has a child from a previous marriage and I have accepted her and love her. I was sad that our child wasn't going to be his first, but realized it would be our first together, so it didn't matter. Now, another woman is having a baby before we even do.
I have been going to grad school, trying to plan our life out right, not have children before we are ready (financially we are not ready) and buy a house first. The girl is 11 years younger than him. I feel like she had this baby and said an abortion is not an option to keep him. She was a virgin and I think she thought he would choose her over me.
He said she knows he is married and I believe him, and I know it takes two to cheat, but I would NEVER be the other woman and be responsible for breaking up a marriage. To me, marriage is sacred. My parents have been married for 40 years, were together since they were 20 (I'm 27) and I want what they have. My ideals and morals around marriage have been set by them. As weird as it sounds, my father is so good to my mother and I want someone who will be like him.
I don't know what to do. My life plans around having a family and buying a house and being with the person I love and adore came crashing down in one second. What also bothers me is that I found out, he didn't even tell me. He told me that she tested positive with a pregnancy test 1-2 months ago, but then got her period about a week ago.
I asked him when he was planning on telling me. He said he tried, but didn't know how and was too scared that I would leave him. He has apologized countless times, said he will change, do anything I want him to do, make it up to me for the rest of our lives, gave me the other phone, said he will be open with everything, basically do whatever I want.
I know that we have a long road ahead of us, a lot of work to do, a lot of mending to do, but I fear that we won't work out in the end. It sickens me to think about him having a child with someone else. I love him so much and even after all this, I still love him. I didn't quite realize how much I loved him until this happened. I always told myself, "if he cheats, I'll divorce him" but I also thought I would never be in this situation.
The thought of him giving money to someone else when I have been trying so hard to build a life for us infuriates me. I told him that I didn't want him to have anything to do with the baby, to just send month every month, to not even be there when the baby is born. He said okay. He said that he wouldn't be involved with the baby until things between us were okay and good again.
I am in shock right now and just can't even believe this is my life. I can't believe this is my marriage. I just can't understand how he could do this to me, continuously lie straight to my face, continuously make me feel like a for not trusting him and giving him space, for not giving him the benefit of the doubt.
I keep asking him why and how could you do this to me. I have been such a good wife, I do so much for him, not because I want to hold it above his head, but it is because I want to. Lately when things have been bad, I haven't done those things because I didn't want to. It was so hard for me not to do those things for him (iron his shirt, make his lunch, etc.). I want to take care of my husband but he made me not want to just because he was treating me like .
I kept telling him, "if you acted like you loved me, told me you loved me (not just when we were saying goodbye or texting or saying goodnight) and gave me some physical attention (took my hand in his, gave me a random hug, etc.) I would trust him more because I would know he loved me. He didn't. He said that he's trying to change, I needed to be patient and I just didn't see the change that he was making. How could he continuously say those kinds of things to me when he knew he was cheating all along?
I love him so much, I wish I didn't, but when I took those vows and promised to love him forever, I meant it. I always told him that I wanted to "adore" the person I married and I finally found someone that I did. We each got it tattooed (in a different language) on us. He knows he needs to change, takes the blame for everything, is willing to go to marriage counseling and maybe individual. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him and live through him having a child with someone else. He assures me that he doesn't want to be with her, it's over, she's mad that he chose to stay with me, and I can come when he goes to pick up his kid. I don't want to share my husband with another kid.
I go in swings of emotion of anger, frustration, shock, feeling disgusted, so incredibly sad, and also happy that he still wants to be with me. I never thought that I would be in this situation, let alone him still wanting to be with me. It would almost be easier if he didn't, although it does feel nice that he is so absolutely sorry and wants to make up for it.
Has anyone else been through something like this? How did it work out? How did you get over it? What helped? How was it having your husband have another child with someone else before you? How was it seeing that child and the other woman?
Please help me. I'm miserable, devasted, and broken.
I don't think that he cheated with her (partly bc she looks like a man), but maybe the casual flirting was fun. After that, my trust went downhill. I constantly checked his phone records, was paranoid about everything he said, and basically didn't trust him. In oct-nov. '09 he was struggling with the death of his grandfather a lot, I think because of the holidays, etc. (he died in July '09). He kept wanting to spend time alone at his grandmothers house to deal with what he was going through (his grandmother stayed with his family in another state for 3 months and wasn't there when he was).
Of course after finding out about the phone stuff, this made me not trust him even more. I guess because I didn't trust him, we were arguing all the time because I didn't trust him, he started cheating on my in January '10. He said that they didn't have sex until April '10.
All this time I told him "if you aren't happy, just tell me. Being together when you aren't happy isn't going to make me happy, so just let me know. I won't be mad." He kept reassuring me that he was happy, wanted to work things out, wanted us to be like how we were. I knew I wanted to marry him after dating for only 3 months. I was with someone for 4 years and never felt like I wanted to marry the person.
Well, I found out because I knew the lock code on his phone and when he was in the shower, I looked through his phone. He had made a secret email account and in it were numerous emails. All this time I thought he had a secret phone and when I confronted him, I was right. He got a second job because he was stressing out about money and even though I didn't want him to work it, I let him because I didn't want him to be stressed out.
What bothers me the most is that he continuously stared me in the face, lied, made me feel like because I didn't trust him, and all this time I was RIGHT. He has been seeing her for nine months and he also told me that she is possible pregnant. I found out yesterday that she is, about 2.5-3 months now.
We don't have any children together. I am devasted. I was adopted and having biological children is extremely important to me. He has a child from a previous marriage and I have accepted her and love her. I was sad that our child wasn't going to be his first, but realized it would be our first together, so it didn't matter. Now, another woman is having a baby before we even do.
I have been going to grad school, trying to plan our life out right, not have children before we are ready (financially we are not ready) and buy a house first. The girl is 11 years younger than him. I feel like she had this baby and said an abortion is not an option to keep him. She was a virgin and I think she thought he would choose her over me.
He said she knows he is married and I believe him, and I know it takes two to cheat, but I would NEVER be the other woman and be responsible for breaking up a marriage. To me, marriage is sacred. My parents have been married for 40 years, were together since they were 20 (I'm 27) and I want what they have. My ideals and morals around marriage have been set by them. As weird as it sounds, my father is so good to my mother and I want someone who will be like him.
I don't know what to do. My life plans around having a family and buying a house and being with the person I love and adore came crashing down in one second. What also bothers me is that I found out, he didn't even tell me. He told me that she tested positive with a pregnancy test 1-2 months ago, but then got her period about a week ago.
I asked him when he was planning on telling me. He said he tried, but didn't know how and was too scared that I would leave him. He has apologized countless times, said he will change, do anything I want him to do, make it up to me for the rest of our lives, gave me the other phone, said he will be open with everything, basically do whatever I want.
I know that we have a long road ahead of us, a lot of work to do, a lot of mending to do, but I fear that we won't work out in the end. It sickens me to think about him having a child with someone else. I love him so much and even after all this, I still love him. I didn't quite realize how much I loved him until this happened. I always told myself, "if he cheats, I'll divorce him" but I also thought I would never be in this situation.
The thought of him giving money to someone else when I have been trying so hard to build a life for us infuriates me. I told him that I didn't want him to have anything to do with the baby, to just send month every month, to not even be there when the baby is born. He said okay. He said that he wouldn't be involved with the baby until things between us were okay and good again.
I am in shock right now and just can't even believe this is my life. I can't believe this is my marriage. I just can't understand how he could do this to me, continuously lie straight to my face, continuously make me feel like a for not trusting him and giving him space, for not giving him the benefit of the doubt.
I keep asking him why and how could you do this to me. I have been such a good wife, I do so much for him, not because I want to hold it above his head, but it is because I want to. Lately when things have been bad, I haven't done those things because I didn't want to. It was so hard for me not to do those things for him (iron his shirt, make his lunch, etc.). I want to take care of my husband but he made me not want to just because he was treating me like .
I kept telling him, "if you acted like you loved me, told me you loved me (not just when we were saying goodbye or texting or saying goodnight) and gave me some physical attention (took my hand in his, gave me a random hug, etc.) I would trust him more because I would know he loved me. He didn't. He said that he's trying to change, I needed to be patient and I just didn't see the change that he was making. How could he continuously say those kinds of things to me when he knew he was cheating all along?
I love him so much, I wish I didn't, but when I took those vows and promised to love him forever, I meant it. I always told him that I wanted to "adore" the person I married and I finally found someone that I did. We each got it tattooed (in a different language) on us. He knows he needs to change, takes the blame for everything, is willing to go to marriage counseling and maybe individual. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him and live through him having a child with someone else. He assures me that he doesn't want to be with her, it's over, she's mad that he chose to stay with me, and I can come when he goes to pick up his kid. I don't want to share my husband with another kid.
I go in swings of emotion of anger, frustration, shock, feeling disgusted, so incredibly sad, and also happy that he still wants to be with me. I never thought that I would be in this situation, let alone him still wanting to be with me. It would almost be easier if he didn't, although it does feel nice that he is so absolutely sorry and wants to make up for it.
Has anyone else been through something like this? How did it work out? How did you get over it? What helped? How was it having your husband have another child with someone else before you? How was it seeing that child and the other woman?
Please help me. I'm miserable, devasted, and broken.
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