[ku1234]

This is the first time I have sought out help from an online source. I was reading the other threads, and they all seem to have great feedback.

Here is my story.

My husband is 35 and I am 38. We have been married 9 years, and have 2 kids and live a pretty busy lifestyle with work and kids. I am fit; take care of myself and actually in better shape than I was when we got married.

My husband was caught creating profiles on websites looking for women over a year ago. This was devastating! This wasn't the first time. A year before, he met some waitress at a bar and tried calling her several times, told her that he wasn't married. He also told other women online that he was” married, but he didn't know for how long”. In the emails I found terrible things that he had written, things that would crush anyone. During this time, I never cut off intimacy with him.

He since has given me all his passwords and said how sorry he was, that he knows he wasn't valuing our marriage or respecting it. He begged for another chance. So we have slowly been repairing. He said that he realized what he was doing to me and us and never would do that again. He tells me that he is very ashamed of his actions and knows that he hurt me beyond belief.

However, there is a big problem. Because of what he did involved all these other women, attention that he was given to others, I told him that I deserve to have that same time of energy shown towards me. But each time we were intimate, it is because I initiate it. So I told him that I wasn't going to initiate it anymore and I told him why. I told him that I deserve to feel that desire. So to make a long story short, he hasn't initiated it at all. This has been for 6 months. When I say anything about it, it always turns in to an argument. So it’s easier just to go to bed. He will give me a kiss goodnight, but there doesn't seem to me any passion. He tells me that he wants to be with me, it’s just hard when we are fighting, etc. I come from the mindset that, if he wanted me, he would be with me. Do I have blinders on; is he just not in love with me anymore?

[Hopeless Dork]

How long ago did you have your children and how was his passion and intimacy with you before that? Was he ever an inniciater or has it always been you? And were all his dealings (online/the waitress) after you guys had your kids or did he do those things before?

I ask all that because there he has you wanting intimacy with him, wanting him to inniciate and he takes no inniciative.. yet was willing to chase others (even if only in fantasy) but he says he loves you and is trying to be a good husband (other than the sex stuff) so i wonder if its that he just doesn't see you as a sexual woman anymore... which is something A LOT of men go through after their wife has their kids...

Its like they see them in some saintly role as mother of their kids and don't like of doing naughty things to the woman that bore their children... the woman packing their lunches and kissing their ouchies... they have a hard time seperating that you can be that woman for them and still be the same hot sexy woman that they married int he bedroom.

Thats just one thought that occured to me... it could be any number of reasons that he's gone cold. Whats his stress like? Are you guys having any financial problems or has his job been difficult lately or unstable? I ask because its possible that he turned to the online chasing etc as some sort of fantasy to take him out of the reality of mortgages and college funds and being a 'grown up'... and maybe caused him to long for a more simple time, feeling youthful, etc.

Do you compliment him? flirt with him? Make him feel like he's still go it? Has he gained some weight or does he feel like he is aging or any reason at all that he may be having some self-esteem issues?

Does he seem depressed or is he taking any medicaitons?

[ku1234]

Thank you for your reply. I think he was passionate before kids; our intimacy level was extremely high. I think it was mutual, we both initiated the intimacy. He did all the things after we had children. This is exactly what I’m struggling with, that I want him to show me the attention he was showing to the others. Last night we had talked about all of this, again, and he said he just has so much going on his head with work (he does not like his job right now). We aren’t having any financial issues, just lots of day to day kid stuff that takes us away from all of the “us” time. He has told me several times how he hates what he did to us and is so ashamed of himself. When I’ve told him that he should put himself in my shoes, he said that being him is worse because he has to live knowing he did this to me and us.

Now you have me thinking about maybe he is using all of that as a way to escape. He did gain weight, but he has been playing basketball again, so he’s trying to get back to the shape he was in. I have never said a word either, he’s tall, and so he obviously can carry his weight better.

I have always tried to go out of my way to flirt with him, and he is always receptive, but he can’t initiate it. But for the last several months, I haven’t at all. But I told him that I wasn’t going to, that I needed him to show me how he feels. So what happens, nothing at all. He will give me a quick kiss on the lips before we go to bed, but he doesn’t hold me or touch me at all. It only increases the insecurity and self doubt I already have because of his prior actions.

I have shared so many personal deep feelings about feeling insecure with him, that it has caused him to see me as weak. I even mentioned that to him once and he said that he sees me as strong to still be with him after what I’ve been through.

Sometimes I do wonder about his own self esteem. He was a great athlete in high school and college, but he doesn’t have the time to play sports like he used to.

Last night he told me that he doesn’t want to lose me. He said that when we talk about our problems he makes him angry and doesn’t even think about intimacy. He asked why I can’t just let things happen, just relax. When he is saying all of this to me, we are lay in bed together, and I begin to cry and he doesn’t’ even try to comfort me. I ask him why he is unable to do that, and he said is comforting me, he is talking to me about it...

I do love him, I just wonder if he truly loves me. He says he does, but doesn’t make me feel that way. I brought up separating one time and said I thought it would make things easier for both of us. He said he doesn’t want that, he wants to be with me forever. He knows I am the one for him. I just don’t understand why he can’t express those feelings to me on an emotional and physical level.

Thank you so much for your thoughts, I really appreciate it. I haven’t shared my story with any family or friends, I am very private and don’t want to tarnish his relationship with my family.

[sourpuss]

Have you suggested counseling?

[ku1234]

Yes, and several years ago, after the waitress, we went to a marriage counselor. He said he felt like he was being attacked and walked out... when I suggested it to him recently, he said that it didn't help last time and he doesn't need someone to tell him what he is doing wrong, because he knows. He said "I know what I did was wrong and I'm trying to fix it, I don't need anyone else telling me that too.."

I feel so lost...

[pretzel]

I agree with sour in that counseling would definately help. One of the hardest things to do is separating personal from professional lives. I'm sure his job does have him worried. I'm sure all the heartache he caused in the past has him worried. But from what you've said, your trying to put the past where it belongs and start anew. If his actions are now more trusting and respectful to you then that's a good start and positive reinforcement of this could help.

Maybe counseling will let him vent about his job and not bring it home to you. Maybe counseling will help (possibly with some anti-depressants) him work through and put in it's proper perspective his past transgressions and your willingness to start anew.

[pretzel]

Yes, and several years ago, after the waitress, we went to a marriage counselor. He said he felt like he was being attacked and walked out... when I suggested it to him recently, he said that it didn't help last time and he doesn't need someone to tell him what he is doing wrong, because he knows. He said "I know what I did was wrong and I'm trying to fix it, I don't need anyone else telling me that too.."

I feel so lost...

Just a quick thought. Counseling will not "fix" it. Only he can do that. Counseling will offer tools by which he can use to help him "fix" it. He's trying to fix you without realizing he needs to fix himself also.

[ku1234]

That is a great way to look at it... I'm going to try that approach. I do believe we need a third party to help us work this out. I'm just afraid that he will be against it. Last time I said anything he told me that i could go but he didn't need to. I think he sees it as a sign of weakness or something, and I know he doesn't want to tell a stranger about his lies and deceit.

[Hopeless Dork]

Guilt and shame are definitely NOT aphrodesiacs... and it sounds like he is experiencing a lot of that when it comes to how he treated you. You've forgiven him, but he needs to also forgive himself. He needs to understand that 'not wanting to leave you' not wanting to seperate and knowing you are 'the one' is NOT enough... that those words are comforting but can only keep the fire warm for so long before his actions, despite his words, make you feel alienated from him.

He doesn't physically comfort you, hold you when you cry... he 'talks' to you to comfort you, but you have expressed you need more. You have told him clearly what you need from him... intimacy and him to inniciate and its not as hard as he's making it out to be, its really not.

But I think its possible that with what he put you through he doesn't feel worthy of you, that and his weight changes and problems with work have problem made him feel pretty low about himself... and the male ego is pretty fragile and dings in it can have an effect in the bedroom and in general.

When he talked to those women online, he's never done them wrong , they haven't seen him devolve from fit and athletic to slightly overweight etc... they don't depend on his pay check to live and feed their kids -- he doesn't owe them anything, they only know the stellar him that he presents himself as and that kind of escape can be addicting -- especially for someone feeling a bit like a failure in their real life.

I am NOT calling your husband a failure.. but there is a possibility he might feel like one... he hurt you and so in his mind has failed in his relationship, he doesn't like his job... and that can have a huge effect on ANYONES self esteem... but the pressure for the man of the house to be the provider, etc... can make any problems with work or the fear of losing it, the fear of not getting successful at their job or feeling stuck can really hit a man a lot harder than his female counterparts.

Now factor in the weightgain, not having time for sports etc... maybe he feels like he's losing himself/has lost himsef... and that could very well cause him to withdraw from you sexually.

But if you haven't been having sex with him for months... is it safe to assume he is masturbating? Its not real typical for a man to not have a need to 'release' every so often... or is his drive for even that alltogether gone? If it is, perhaps seeing a doctor might be necessary -- but yeah, thats a hard one to bring up I'm sure... but if his drive for even a masturbatory release is gone... he may be having some physical health problem contributing... has he had his blood pressure and cholesterol checked lately? Is he a candidate for diabetes? Just some other things to put out there... that his lack of inniciation could also be stemming from something to do with his health.

But if he is still masturbating, still able to work everything just no desire to be 'intimate' with you... thats something you guys have to work on together... about you meeting his physical needs and he meetign yours. Easier to say than do, I'd imagine.

[ku1234]

I wrote him a letter, so we wouldn't end up arguing... I gave it to him over 3 hrs ago and he hasn't even mentioned it. I know he has read it, and hasn't even said a word to me about it. I don't know what to do now, but I am keeping busy with the kids and reading. I appreciate all the feedback and suggestions. They have really helped.