Its been yrs since ive posted anything on here. For those who dont know me Ive been struggling in my marriage. Ive been married for 5 1/2 yrs. I married my highschool sweetheart. For the past 3 yrs things started to go bad, real bad. He is a selfish person. Always said it was cause he was an only child. He would buy whatever he wanted. Get new credit cards and run them up. it wouldnt matter what we needed in the house, it was always about what he wanted.
Then one day i found out he ran up over $600 in charges for internet porn. I was mortified. Not at the charges, but at the fact that he had a perfectly good wife. I mean what would he need to look at that much porn for. Im not sure when it happened but he started asking for things sexually that I wasnt exactly comfortable with. He wanted to do degrading things to me. I didnt want to. Some of the stuff would hurt. But I did want to satisfy my husband. A friend of mine had recently got separated from her husband cause he cheated on her. And I dont think it was ever her fault, but he wasnt satisfied with her so he went somewhere else. I didnt want that to happen.
I was raised knowing that people are falible. So I was happy to try anything to keep him with me. My husband is also a spoiled brat. Whenever he would get mad he would break things, like a playstation, tv, a glass case we use to have. And of course we would have to replace it. I started to see his anger get worse. I even knew that one day he would hit me. But I still loved and believed in him. That one day he would get help and we would live happily ever after. A childhood dream, getting married, having a family, and growing old with the one you love. I always knew that life was hard. And that marriage wasnt easy. So I put up with all the negative things hopeing that one day it would pay off.
Then on my birthday of this yr I did something that maybe i should never of done. Now remember he always blows all his money and doesnt do anything for his family. I went into his wallet and took his money out. Not all of it. I left him enough for the day. I had no intentions on spending it. I just wanted to keep him from spending it. I told him that i took the money before he even said anything about it. He got soo angry. But I stood my ground. We have a beautiful little girl, only 4 yrs old. She was sitting on the couch with me at the time. He kept on yelling at me. He even tried to pull her away from me. I know it was so he wouldnt feel guilty about beating me in front of her. When I wouldnt let him he yanked me off the couch and pulled me around the house. The look in his eyes actually scared me. I didnt even know what he was going to do to me. But I knew then that he was capable of anything. Fortunantly he went to work and I was safe. That night we talked. I told him that he needed help. That his anger was a problem. He said that he knew that he had an anger issue, and that he wasnt going to do anything about it. And that things were only going to get worse for me. That divorse was the only solution. i took what he said to heart. I knew then that I had to get out.
Now this all happened on a friday. Saturday I went to work and of course went home. That night he asked me to go to our room so that we could talk. I went. He started to try and take my clothes off. But I was still angry about the day before. I didnt want to have sex with him. I told him no. Wrong thing to say I guess. He yanked my clothes off and raped me. Everytime I fought him off he liked it. Whenever i just laid there he would lose his erection. He pulled on my hair so that I would him fight him some more. Eventually he stopped. I felt soo violated. Here is the man who is suppose to protect me from harm. Now all of this sounds like some movie drama, unfortunantly it was reality for me. You always see it on tv, or hear about it in the news. Never could you imagine it actually happening to you. Its always possible but some how we think that it wont. I left the house. Went driving around for a few hrs. I knew I had to go back for my daughter, but i just wanted to get away for a little bit. Now some people would say that I should of called the cops. And maybe they are right, no I know they are right. But how could i put the father of my child the man I loved in jail. Even if he deserved it. I really really knew that I wasnt going to stay at the house for much longer. So I eventually went back to the house. I thought enough time past that I might be able to go to sleep in semi peace. no dice though. He was up and I guess he figured that he wasnt finished with me yet cause he raped me again.
The next day I went to work. He came by with our daughter to get his phone out of my car. The ***hole knew what he did said yeah I did that s*** so what. No remorse for the pain he caused me. Monday I called my friends they all helped me and I got an apartment. Unfortunantly it wouldnt be ready til that friday. All week long I worked and went home so that i could try to get mine and my daughters things together. And friday i moved out while he was at work. I knew he would be angry at me but so what right. He didnt really say much to me on the phone after I left. We talked a few times over the next few days. I told him that I left him cause of what he did. And that I wasnt going to stick around for it to get worse for me. Today he came by my work and wanted to talk again. I didnt really want to talk to him anymore. He took my phone and ran from my store knowing that I would go by the house to get it back. And as stupid as it sounds I actually did. He asked me to take him to the store for cigs. I knew better but what could he possibly do to me at the store. I just wanted my phone back so i took him there. When we got back to the house I parked in front. Next thing I know he jumped on top of me. He actually thought I would let him rape me again. I fought him back hard. He put his hands on my throat and tried to kill me. I just kept on fighting him off me. He then pulled me out of my car and tried to drag me into the house. I knew that was the last place I was going to go. I wasnt about to let him have his way with me where no one could stop him. I started to yell for help. When he couldnt pull me up the stairs to the door I guess he thought that putting me in his truck was a better idea. I mean I was screaming no sense in waking up the nieghbors right? He pushed me in the truck and took off down the road. But i wasnt going to let him kill me. I have a child to take care of. As soon as he slowed down the truck I yanked open the door and ran. Called for help and got home. How is this even possible? I loved him. And he supposedly love me. How could he honestly try to kill me? For those women out there who are afraid that they will one day be a victim of this tragity dont wait like I did. Without help he will never get better only worse. I know that its hard. But imagine what it would feel like having his hand around your neck trying to kill you. No one deserves that kind of pain no matter what you have done. And its not just physical but emotional too. You have got to help yourself out of any situation your not comfortable with.
Then one day i found out he ran up over $600 in charges for internet porn. I was mortified. Not at the charges, but at the fact that he had a perfectly good wife. I mean what would he need to look at that much porn for. Im not sure when it happened but he started asking for things sexually that I wasnt exactly comfortable with. He wanted to do degrading things to me. I didnt want to. Some of the stuff would hurt. But I did want to satisfy my husband. A friend of mine had recently got separated from her husband cause he cheated on her. And I dont think it was ever her fault, but he wasnt satisfied with her so he went somewhere else. I didnt want that to happen.
I was raised knowing that people are falible. So I was happy to try anything to keep him with me. My husband is also a spoiled brat. Whenever he would get mad he would break things, like a playstation, tv, a glass case we use to have. And of course we would have to replace it. I started to see his anger get worse. I even knew that one day he would hit me. But I still loved and believed in him. That one day he would get help and we would live happily ever after. A childhood dream, getting married, having a family, and growing old with the one you love. I always knew that life was hard. And that marriage wasnt easy. So I put up with all the negative things hopeing that one day it would pay off.
Then on my birthday of this yr I did something that maybe i should never of done. Now remember he always blows all his money and doesnt do anything for his family. I went into his wallet and took his money out. Not all of it. I left him enough for the day. I had no intentions on spending it. I just wanted to keep him from spending it. I told him that i took the money before he even said anything about it. He got soo angry. But I stood my ground. We have a beautiful little girl, only 4 yrs old. She was sitting on the couch with me at the time. He kept on yelling at me. He even tried to pull her away from me. I know it was so he wouldnt feel guilty about beating me in front of her. When I wouldnt let him he yanked me off the couch and pulled me around the house. The look in his eyes actually scared me. I didnt even know what he was going to do to me. But I knew then that he was capable of anything. Fortunantly he went to work and I was safe. That night we talked. I told him that he needed help. That his anger was a problem. He said that he knew that he had an anger issue, and that he wasnt going to do anything about it. And that things were only going to get worse for me. That divorse was the only solution. i took what he said to heart. I knew then that I had to get out.
Now this all happened on a friday. Saturday I went to work and of course went home. That night he asked me to go to our room so that we could talk. I went. He started to try and take my clothes off. But I was still angry about the day before. I didnt want to have sex with him. I told him no. Wrong thing to say I guess. He yanked my clothes off and raped me. Everytime I fought him off he liked it. Whenever i just laid there he would lose his erection. He pulled on my hair so that I would him fight him some more. Eventually he stopped. I felt soo violated. Here is the man who is suppose to protect me from harm. Now all of this sounds like some movie drama, unfortunantly it was reality for me. You always see it on tv, or hear about it in the news. Never could you imagine it actually happening to you. Its always possible but some how we think that it wont. I left the house. Went driving around for a few hrs. I knew I had to go back for my daughter, but i just wanted to get away for a little bit. Now some people would say that I should of called the cops. And maybe they are right, no I know they are right. But how could i put the father of my child the man I loved in jail. Even if he deserved it. I really really knew that I wasnt going to stay at the house for much longer. So I eventually went back to the house. I thought enough time past that I might be able to go to sleep in semi peace. no dice though. He was up and I guess he figured that he wasnt finished with me yet cause he raped me again.
The next day I went to work. He came by with our daughter to get his phone out of my car. The ***hole knew what he did said yeah I did that s*** so what. No remorse for the pain he caused me. Monday I called my friends they all helped me and I got an apartment. Unfortunantly it wouldnt be ready til that friday. All week long I worked and went home so that i could try to get mine and my daughters things together. And friday i moved out while he was at work. I knew he would be angry at me but so what right. He didnt really say much to me on the phone after I left. We talked a few times over the next few days. I told him that I left him cause of what he did. And that I wasnt going to stick around for it to get worse for me. Today he came by my work and wanted to talk again. I didnt really want to talk to him anymore. He took my phone and ran from my store knowing that I would go by the house to get it back. And as stupid as it sounds I actually did. He asked me to take him to the store for cigs. I knew better but what could he possibly do to me at the store. I just wanted my phone back so i took him there. When we got back to the house I parked in front. Next thing I know he jumped on top of me. He actually thought I would let him rape me again. I fought him back hard. He put his hands on my throat and tried to kill me. I just kept on fighting him off me. He then pulled me out of my car and tried to drag me into the house. I knew that was the last place I was going to go. I wasnt about to let him have his way with me where no one could stop him. I started to yell for help. When he couldnt pull me up the stairs to the door I guess he thought that putting me in his truck was a better idea. I mean I was screaming no sense in waking up the nieghbors right? He pushed me in the truck and took off down the road. But i wasnt going to let him kill me. I have a child to take care of. As soon as he slowed down the truck I yanked open the door and ran. Called for help and got home. How is this even possible? I loved him. And he supposedly love me. How could he honestly try to kill me? For those women out there who are afraid that they will one day be a victim of this tragity dont wait like I did. Without help he will never get better only worse. I know that its hard. But imagine what it would feel like having his hand around your neck trying to kill you. No one deserves that kind of pain no matter what you have done. And its not just physical but emotional too. You have got to help yourself out of any situation your not comfortable with.
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