[Lunarchic224]

I want to start by thanking everyone who has supported me. Here is my update:

As some of yall know I was emotionally and then physically abused by my husband. I managed with some help of my friends and by the GRACE OF GOD got out of the house and on my own. I did report my husband for the abuse. They gave him probation and anger management classes. I dont know if the classes ever worked. They put him on all kinds of meds. I believe in medications for some occasions but I dont think it was the best solution for him. One morning I dropped off my daughter at school and when I got home he was there waiting on me. he said that he only wanted to talk. I didnt believe him. I called his mother to beg her to try to reason with him. Shocker I love the man. I dont want to have him arrested, but I would of had no choice if he didnt stop. I assumed he left cause he got in his car. I parked mine and tried to get in the apartment. But he fooled me again. He only drove around to the back of my building. And as I was trying to get in he pushed his way in. I was luckly still on the phone with his mother when she heard me scream she hung up and called the police. When the police showed up he was still in my place so the got him for agravated stalking. He was locked up for awhile.

During all this madness that I was going through, I actually met a man who was good, no great to me. I believed that I had finally found my happiness. I even started to slowily let him know that actual horrors in my life. He fell in love with me almost immediately. And I felt a strong connection with him. But After my first failed attempt at a marriage with a man that I knew for half my life. How could I possilbly believe in a story book fantasy? It would seem that he even changed his job so that he could take care of me and my child. I doubted him a lot. Questioned his affections for me. I told him in the beginning that he was a broken woman. That my husband had crushed most of my self esteem. Which took a toll on our relationship.

And then as my life seems to be going good a tornado hit. For the sake of our daughter I dropped the restraining order. I could resason it out all day long but in reality he was making it difficult for me because of it. Im not sure if he planned it all out. According to the conditions to my husbands release from jail, if he came at me in any matter of abuse he was gonna be locked up for 10 yrs min. I already knew that the restraining order wouldnt keep him away so I dropped it. That way my daughter could see her father when she wanted to. And that way IF something came up at work he tould take care of her for me. It worked for all of 48 hrs. One night a friend of mine and stress the fact that her was a friend came over late to watch a movie. I had to wait til my daughter had fallen asleep before her could come over because I dont let her watch movies w violence in it By the time that the movie was over it was very late. I told him that he had to leave cause I have to wake up early every morning. When he got out to his car he saw that he had a flat tire and called me joking that he would be sticking around a little longer while he fixed it. I had a bad feeling a very bad feeling. I asked him if it was flat or slashed. I had this idea that my husband was in the bushes stalking his prey. Just as I got the question out thats when my heart stopped. I heard suched a frightening sound I almost didnt believe that I heard it. Im not even sure of how many shots I heard but I several gun shots. I was still on the phone with my friend when I heard him scream that he had been shot. That he was dying. I hung up the phone and called 911. But by the time I got the courage to go outside to see what was going on there was nothing. My friend, his car, the shooter, everything was gone. For a moment I really believed I had finally cracked up. But I know what I heard. My friend really did get shot. By who exactly Im not sure. I was not there. My friend managed to jump into his car and drive down the street. The paramedics found him there. I was interrogated by the police til 4 in the morning. I actually managed to get 2 hrs of sleep. I found out my friend didnt die but was paralized from the waist down. He had identified my husband as the shooter. Unfortunantly for me when the cops interogated my friend he told them I was his girlfriend. He was bleeding to death and half drugged out. He wasnt really sure what he said to the police. All I know was that 1 word was gonna make my life a living h*** for awhile. [info removed]

Because of the news story thats when my story book fantasy started to go down hill. For some reason (love or whatever) he tried to look past what was said and believe me. It took a while but we managed to try to start over again. And for a brief moment I thought I was actually gonna be happy again. But as all tragedies ends in unhappiness, so does mine. Because I wasnt there for the shooting, I doubted that it was actually my husband. I battled in my own mind and heart over it. I didnt know what to believe. Niether did anyone else I know. I got threatening phone calls, jokes, etc. Those who didnt out right say anything neg to me was just trying to get closer to the story. I lost my fam last yr, and I lost whatever friends I had this yr. Just so everyone knows the police did get him with my help. Another hard thing I had to do. But if he did shoot my friend then he needs to be in prison.

Time went by for me slowly. But I got back to a semi normal life with my daughter and the man that loved me. One day I actually got on the phone with my husband. Now he may be very good at lying and hiding the truth from everyone but I know better. It only wook one phone call to know the truth. He did it. I have no evidence but I know him. I have finally come to terms with it. I now fear more for myself cause if he ever gets out I believe Im next. I told that to the new man in my life. I told him that he deserves to be with someone without all this drama. I was scared when I talked to him. Not for myself, but for him. I didnt want him to get hurt by my crazy husband. But I want wrong for saying that. I wanted and needed him in my life. He is not perfect but neither am I. And I believed that we loved each other. And here is the end of my story for now. I was going to call him and tell him all of that. That I loved him and that somehow it was going to work out. But he called me back and told me it was over. And so it would seem to be for now. I begged him once already to stay in my life cause of the news article. But I wont do it again. Ive let 2 men into my heart and both seem to have been able to break it.

[athanasius1812]

Get Away

Hi,
I posted on here to look for help with my problems, but your story is too compelling and I feel I must respond.

I owned my own business for awhile, but I originally went into business because I could no longer work in law enforcement. Watching people like you put themselves into terrible situations over and over, watching children get hurt terribly because one parent is vile and the other weak, it gets to you after awhile.

I know that sounds harsh, and I don't intend to pour salt on your wounds. But there is no one who can help you besides yourself and nothing short of the unvarnished truth is likely to open your eyes. As a police officer I had all the authority and power I could possibly need to put people like your husband away where they couldn't hurt anyone, especially the young children who inevitably were caught in the crossfire, but without the strength of character and fortitude of the aggrieved party (in this case yourself) I was helpless to intervene.

He isn't going to change, not in any timeframe meaningful to you. Do what you must, get him completely and permanently out of your life and especially the life of your child. If the courts order his involvement, do what you must but jealously protect your privacy as if your child's life depended on it, because it does. Even if you aren't beaten to death (which is common, these things always, always, always escalate), your daughter is LEARNING. If you allow him to stay in your life, she will look forward to a future where she lives her life with a duplicate of your husband, she will receive the beatings and feelings of worthlessness you are right now, and your grandchildren will live this life of horror in turn.

Few people who allow themselves to be abused see themselves as worthwhile, despite what anyone else has to say, and from your posts I suspect you are no exception. Knowing your own worth comes from showing it, not the other way around, so until you have regained your own strength draw it from your love of your daughter. Do it for her until you have proven to yourself that you can do it at all, then do it for both of you.

God bless you, I truly wish you and your daughter the very, very best.

[athanasius1812]

I couldn't edit, so I must finish here. Get him out, completely, don't EVER let him know where to find you or how to contact you (if he needs to reach you he can speak to protective services). If you must find new friends do so, if you must move do so, don't give him an opening to get back into your life. Ever.

As for the second beau, it was a wise decision (though painful for you) that he made. You need to see it, learn from it, and emulate it. He didn't leave you, he left the poisonous situation you are in. He knows no one can spend their life in the company of vipers without being bit. When you have removed yourself from the vipers den, people like your second beau will have no cause (or desire) to leave.

[WildChild]

How old is your child now?
Is the divorce final yet?
When does he go to trial for the shooting?
Athanasius is right you need some real backbone, you also need a really good attorney. You need to set things up so there is NO way that this man can track you and your child. I've dealt with a psychopathic stalker before, it isn't easy and dealing with one who was intimate in your life is tougher because they know you, your family and friends and you are tied to his family through your daughter - you will have to cut ties. It will be painful but if you want to live and see your daughter grown and safe you will have to do what needs to be done. You will need it set up so your attorney is notified if there is any possibility of his release from prison, so you can be notified.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that you are dealing with a normal, rational person. You aren't. He has attempted premeditated murder and left a man disabled. You need to finalize the divorce and make certain if at all possible, that he will never have access to your daughter. The fact that she is also his child is not likely to prevent him from using and harming her to hurt you - it makes it very likely he will if you give him the opportunity. Get things tied up, divorce; testifying in the criminal case if you have to, if he tries to contact you and has to go through protective services, then let them contact you through your attorney, and start packing because you need to become as unfindable as possible. If there is anyone in your family who is likely to slip up and let him know where you are or your phone number or email - anything- you will have to cut ties with them.

Consider making a temporary move and changing you and your daughter's names, legally, then moving again to another state and changing them again, preferably through a court in a different county. If you do this in a short enough time frame your child won't have to use the interim name. A good attorney or Personal Safety expert can best instruct you in how to proceed. If your child is in school you will have to deal with things like making records transfers untraceable. You may have to meet with the principal, hand carry records and have your child listed as previously home schooled. You will essentially lose you current credit records and rating and there isn't much you can do about your SS# but again a professional can give you better advice on dealing with all that.

You will be running for your life. I did it for several years but in a time when there was no internet and it was a little less easy to track people electronically. It's not fun. People who haven't dealt with this have no idea what it is like, what it does to you. You will lose contact with people you've known for years, possibly with at least some of your family. I was dealing with a stranger and have no concerns about their return at this point, you will never have that security, not fully, not as long as he is alive.

[jns]

I see this as ending only two ways, you dying violently or he dying violently. The leave and cover your tracks is a third road, a middle road, that you have not traveled for whatever reason. Reread the thread and reread the advice. Take the more extreme advice.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I urge you to re-read and re-read what athanasius1812 has written to you..

This new man? He is paralized from the waste down by gun shots... This man has lost his life.

Your daughter should not WANT to know your ex-husband, he is the sort of person, whom has tried to kill you, your new man, rape you, he is the sort of person to throw your daugther from the bridge so you hurt... Then kill himself.

This is real.

I understand your pain but you are not seeing the pain inflicted on others and their pain that this man is causing as you let him in and in... And you are not seeing the bigger picture, him harming fatally your daughter as a possibility.

I would thank this man for all his love (the friend) and what he did for you, he took a bullet in belief of love and he can never walk again.

I would only consider the reality of this... What has happened, which I think you are blocking..You are in shock over the reality of whom you married, of what he is....that you excuse him....You are wanting to be loved by him and so, you may fight him but you keep letting him in, even in the risk of your daugther being harmed and mentally really harmed, as she saw what he did to you dragging you around the house at 4 years of age....

The reality that you need to see this and you need help too and you need to make peace as best as you can with your friend in thanks, in love and then you both child and you, need to pack a bag and leave, never to be seen again out of danger and if you can find it in your heart? In love? Ask your friend to go with you, he sacrificed alot for you and his life is now never to be the same, so you can find love you found it.

CW

[Lunarchic224]

After some time away, I have an update. My husband went to court and was sentenced 40 yrs. He finally admitted to something he has done.
After my parents left, and my marriage fell apart I lost my belief in God. But looking back at all that has happened I definantly know that the devil is everywhere. Before the court date I prayed to Gos to give me the strenght to testify against my husband. I prayed everyday, I even asked my frriends to pray for me. By the good grace of God, I didnt even have to go to court. He plead guilty. As far as my friend who is paralized, I dont think that there is ever a chance for a relationship. I believe that I remind him too much of everything that he has lost. We are still talking to each other, supporting whenever we can for each other. That other man in my life, the one that made me believe that its possible to love again, but left anyway. Well go figure he wants me back. But I talked about everything with my mother. And I Believe its best for my daughter and me to move out to where they are. I dont know whether love will be in my future. But I do know that I want my mother with me. The only person Ive ever been able to count on to tell me the truth, to love me even with all my faults, and stand beside me holding my hand. Of course there all a lot of other drama that has gone on between this post and my last one, but im not even going to address it right now(or ever) cause its just not even important. I thank everyone for your support and my prayers go out to all those people in need. God is there, you just might have to travel down your path by your self for a while to see where it goes. But at the end God will be there juswt never lose hope.

[grrrr]

I'm glad that your husband/ex-husband (I could never tell if you ever divorced) is locked away.

I'm kind of stunned that in the wake of all the damage that relationship caused to you and especially those around you, eg your innocent daughter, and the paralyzed man, that your primary concern is finding love.

Best of luck.

[jns]

What is a 40 year sentence these days? Half? One quarter? I hope you got a divorce, but your last post does not indicate it.

Don't put your mother at risk when he gets out. He may well have hatred still burning inside. Move several times to different states and change your names. That includes your mother.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I totally agree with JNS but also want to thank you for coming back to share your "heart" with us here, you've been on a horrible journey, have faith and pick yourself up, respect yourself, love yourself and you will find love again.

But please take JNS's advise..