[kittysarcastico]

I'm just beside myself and have no idea what to do. My husband had an accident a few years ago and suffers from chronic back pain. That whole year was very hard on us. I lost my job, then he lost his job, our precious cat died. It was horrible. He started playing World of Warcraft after the wreck and withdrawing from me and life. I knew he must be depressed but had no idea how bad it was. Things reached the boiling point a few weeks ago when he told me he didn't love me anymore. Then he said he didn't have any emotions for anything. That weekend I convinced him to see a doctor and a counselor, and we went to both that Monday. He didnt know the night before I overheard him talking to someone and pulled his cell records, and found out he was seeing someone. He confessed that day that he was actually cheating on me with a woman he met on WOW. They were doing stuff with the webcam and other online things and that he loves her and was confused. He agreed to break it off with her and try the counseling and meds because we had a great marriage before all this.

His addiction to porn also came to light. He's been doing this stuff for years and looking up porn, this is just the first time feeling was involved. He even lost a job he held for 7 years because he was looking at porn at work. He thinks about it all the time. He even told me he thinks about my sister because she's a virgin (dont worry she's way past legal age)

Well, its been almost two weeks. And he isn't really trying, but I'm holding back because I know this isn't the man I married and I was giving the antidepressants time to work. Last night he told me he wants a divorce because he loves this woman. I freaked out. He is 38 and she is barely 20 and lives several hours away!!! I told him I was tired of being the only one that cares about this marriage and that I was too tired to fight but thanks for spending a whole 11 days trying to save our marriage.

I told him he was throwing his whole life away on a fantasy and that this girl would leave him when fantasy became reality. He said I was his best friend and that's why it was so hard to do this and that HE WAS SICK TO HIS STOMACH ALL DAY THINKING ABOUT IT. Hello? Wouldn't that make him think twice about this choice??

So now Im 33, childless, and getting ready to be a divorcee. I have a condition that makes it hard to conceive, so there's another blow to my future. I think I would feel better if I at least had a child. I am devastated. Now what do I do?

[Hopeless Dork]

Once you have to tell a man everything he's throwing a way... you know you are wasting your breath because he has already weighed what he has... but he is following his penis and is weak. He was too weak to avoid porn at work risking his job... he was too weak to first tell you how he felt before getting emotionally attached to another woman but at least he is showing some sense of knowing what it is to be a responsible man by telling you his truth that he is going to go for this relationship. No, it won't last. No... this girl is not going to stay with him and will likely break his heart... but you can't save him from himself, nor can you allow yourself to be open to picking up off the floor when reality sets in.

He's a grown man, depressed or not... he's making a choice and that choice will have consequences. You may think you wish you had a child with him but destiny had other plans. You would not have to have to share custody with a man living with his just barely above teenage gf, that has depression issues and sex addictions... that isn't responsible enough to not look at porn at work etc... you should actually be thankful that when your ties severe you don't have deal with him anymore if you don't want.

You are 33 , you still have years, YEARS... to concieve a child of your own... and technology and medicine has come so far that you can get pregnant later, and deliver more healthy and safe at a later age than ever before.

You have a good heart and a strong will, you were ready to sit by him and work through his betrayal... but you can't save this relationship on your own, he doesn't want to save it... and you don't want a man that doesn't want to be there. It sounds like you probably havent been made to feel loved and special in a very long time, so long you might have forgotten just how amazing that feels, how much you deserve it... and how the only way to get it is to move forward and let him go.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He has an addictive personality and unless that's put under control, he is going to ruin everything in life, simply put.

You say he's changed but he lost his job due to watching Porn, his job of 7 years, he got depressed over a back injury and turned to WOW, the most addictive site in the world, as they tell you what time to wake up and get on in order to compete, often 2am in the morning...

He may think the grass is greener but this girl is also addicted to WOW, the web cam, the adventure, excitement of the character your husband played, not him personally, she's in for a rude shock, and she will diss him very quickly, not because there is anything wrong with him but there is no future with him ..until he corrects his addictive personality behaviour.

The one that worries me the most is that he wants your sister because she's a virgin.. That would be my key of dis-respect, no morals, no loyalty that if he said he was leaving, I would say, "you know where the door is"...

Love yourself a little bit more... Your only 33, and I am sorry you may not be able to conceive, but, get another cat, find a beautiful man that knows how to treat a woman, your lucky that your young and don't have baggage, he may have a child, or you both can adopt but up-most, this man is not treating you with respect and in my opinion, there is nothing to save....

CW

[kittysarcastico]

To be honest, I'm not even sure we could save our marriage now. It's that I've been with this man since I was 21 years old. I knew he had a somewhat addictive personality with video games But he was caring, funny, generous, smart. And we had a good marriage, even with the porn issues. Until the wreck and the WOW. And it's almost like I'm watching someone get ready to drive over a cliff and I'm trying to stop them. If we went through counseling and his depression got better and we still felt like the marriage couldn't be saved, I would be sad but okay because he would be HIMSELF. How can he tell me I'm the best friend he's ever had and he is sick over hurting me, but still choose this? He wouldn't - if he were thinking rationally.

The sister thing is a big deal to me as well. I will say he didn't want to tell me and it came out during some very emotional talking. He hates that he thinks about her like that, because at the same time he loves her like a little sister. This sex addiction stuff is really crippling and destructive and he definitely needs help.

I really appreciate your support and feedback, I need all the help I can get. If/when we do decide to separate...what are some things that helped you move on?? How do you let go when all you want to do is help and get back to "normal"?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

At 21, you've just gotten out of being a teenager, 12 years on, "best friend" makes sense...

There appears to have been more than a video game addiction, in his youth, but yes, it has gotten out of hand, maybe down the track it can be solved.. But, I have to say WOW is the worst addiction as far as on-line goes, read some threads here, it may help you, do a search on WOW...

His lust for young women is not a good thing..

You have to focus on the positives, of yourself, in the knowing that this is his problem not yours, in the knowing that there is nothing wrong with you, it's the addictions and in the knowing that, if it was about children? Then, he would not being talking about Virgins, rather, children and the desire to have them...

So, your first step is to realise and believe this has nothing to do with you..

Go back into your past, what have you given up?

What would you have done?

What hobbies, sports, gym, what type of things do you love and can now do?

And, who are you? You've been with someone along time, find yourself and start living....

As for letting go, if you want to help and get it back to normal, only time will do that and only if he wants to, maybe not being there and him seeing how much he misses that best friend may pull him back into normality, but only if he sees you're moving on, changing, he's losing you, not by the sheer leaving alone.

But I think he needs serious help where the sexual addiction is concerned because it still worries me that he even looks at your young sister, as a piece of meat that he wishes he could break in, so to speak.. That's not good.

CW

[Ashlee T.]

You have PLENTY of time for a future. Plenty of time to get back out there and have some single time, meet the man of your dreams, conceive, adopt, whatever. You married young...and you still have plenty of time.

You should never have to fight for someone to stay with you. You should never have to be the one saying "Choose me. Pick me. Love me" (Yes...Greys Anatomy reference. ) And especially not when you've been the one married to him for 12 years.

Depressed or not, he lives in a fantasy world. WOW is fantasy world, porn is fantasy world, online affair with someone he met while playing in his fantasy world. But he's making choices, as an adult. He's telling you things (like about your sister for goodness sakes) that will scar your image of him, and it will be hard for you to ever regain trust.

You can't be the one that holds the marriage together. It takes two. And I think you deserve much much more than what you're getting.

[kittysarcastico]

I think I'm started to feel some anger. I know I wasn't perfect, I've made mistakes. But I've tried to be a good wife. Supporting us financially when he lost jobs, once working 80 hours a week for about 6 months. Making sure he went to appts and was diagnosed with some severe health problems. Taking time off work to drive him 45 minutes each way for his treatment and sitting in the waiting room for hours worried. I know I should've addressed the problems in our marriage sooner. But you know what? I didn't know it was that serious and I was tired. Tired from losing my job and supporting a disabled husband and working 7 days a week every week 70-80 hours a week. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. And I would come home and the sink would be full of dishes and the laundry would be piled up because he had a bad back day and didn't do anything but sit on the computer - most likely having cyber sex.

At this point, we are sleeping separately and being cordial. He even seemed to be "extra nice" tonight and was trying to hug me yesterday. He would hug me, then say he didn't know, then say he loved her.....what am I supposed to think?

[bella321]

It sounds like your husband is living in a dream world. What does he have to offer the young hussy? Is she willing to support him financially, emotionally, physically? I doubt it. It is real easy for people to play games on the internet or on the phone but quite a different think to live with someone day in and day out. My husband has had some serious medical problems over the years but I never had to support him until last year. It really bugs me sometimes to think about working my tail off at the same job for 19 years and coming home to a dirty house when he was out of work. My husbands lack of employment is what lead him to move out of state and his text affairs (and one night stand) took place at that time. What a reward for being a supportive wife! I think that men suffer tremendously when they are out of work and it is worse when a physical illness or disability is also involved. This does not give any of them an excuse to treat their wife like [edit profanity]. I hope that things work out for you.

[kittysarcastico]

Gosh....so much has happened and I need support and advice more than ever. A day or two after my last post, he came to me and admitted he was texting her again. He said he had feelings for her and didn't think it was right to talk to her while living with me so he was moving in with his parents to "take some time". I wrote him a long letter telling him he needed to take time to get his head straight before deciding anything about our marriage and that she was a temptation she fed into his addiction. He wrote me back saying he talked it all over with a work friend who said pretty much the same thing and that he was limiting the contact with "her" greatly and would be working on himself but would still be seeing me. He came over a few times, we were physical, we had fun...but I could tell something was different. after a few weeks I got tired of pretending this was all normal or ok and flat out asked. He admitted the whole thing from the time he moved out was pretty much an act, that he wanted to be with her...that I was his best friend but thats all. He doesn't care about fixing our marriage at all and thought playing along would be the easiest way to get out.
So for the past 3 weeks I've been trying to work it out, being supportive..and the whole time he's faking it. Although he did still have sex with me, so hey not a total loss (sarcasm)....Im so upset and mad and sad right now.....just when I think he can't mess me over any more, he proves me wrong!!!

Now what?

[WildChild]

Talk to a lawyer.

Get his name off your accounts, he'll have to get your name off his.
If you can close joint accounts do so, so that he can't run them up.
Get copies of all financial documents.
Do you own a house or any substantial property? If so you may need legal help, if not you can probably do the divorce yourself. Get a legal separation agreement ASAP so that you will not be liable for any obligations he creates between now and the time you get the divorce.