[sprucey]

well hes due any minute now....am trying to be strong but am shaking inside....I really hope he doesnt mention this woman or anything....willlet youknow how it goes!!

[JustHormonious]

Hi sprucey,

How did it go?

[sprucey]

better than I thought...god,men are so gullible....I´d asked him earlier in the week if he´d have our son tonight,he said he couldnt,obviously hes out with her...so when he came round I was ´supposedly´on my mobile to someone,who I said I would ring back..then showed him his stuff which he took out to the car.I had a bottle of red from his supply in the outhouse on the table,and candles around the house.He asked where our son was staying tonight and if I was going out,so I said,no hes staying here and I´m having visitors.He took his stuff,came back for more,then went outside and got 2 more bottles of wine and said ´he was going to drink that rather than another,and that ´he´can bring his own wine round. Then he asked if I was getting religious with the candles,I just said no...so he said,ah,its to be sensual no...it takes this to make you learn!!! I just laughed and said,look,lets not start with that again....even though it hurt,its like hes saying if I´d lit candles every night and turned into a sex godess none of this would have happened!!! Anyway,he left and I said I´d see him next Saturday when he has our son as its the Christmas girls night out.Tomorrowme and a friend are going to walk down the paseo where its possible we may bump into them...so wishme luck! Just glad that he thinks I´m not sitting here alone thinking about them out together....even though I am!

[Ashlee T.]

Just glad that he thinks I´m not sitting here alone thinking about them out together....even though I am!

EXACTLY. Just like another poster said which was brilliant "FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT!!". In this case, for the short term, that's exactly what you've gotta do to keep your dignity and self respect. Plus, it EATS him up which is just soooooo disgustingly predictable for a man that cheats and manipulates.

so he said,ah,its to be sensual no...it takes this to make you learn!!!

How pathetic. You'll find on this forum alone lots of men (and women) who are in 100% sexless marriages for one reason or another. They are coming here, desperate for some advice, counseling, working on other aspects of their marriage trying to make things better. Why? Because they love their spouse and WANT it to work. And that's with ZERO sex. Him using the fact that you weren't "sensual" enough, didn't light candles as his reason for cheating is total hogwash. He's pathetic dear. Pathetic, selfish, manipulative, deceitful, unfaithful, disloyal, and the list goes on and on. And its quite obvious he's going to try and try and try to deflate you as best he can. Telling you he can't have his son tonight......pfffft......yeah maybe he's with her, but he's doing it because you ASKED which in his mind means you must have plans with someone.

Keep making plans with your girlfriends. Maybe even join a gym or a book club or something you can do to be social, meet new friends, etc. Just keep on keepin on. And don't feel ashamed on the nights you sit at home and feel sad.....you're just human and we all need those times when we're grieving.

*hugs* Great job my friend!!!

[sprucey]

thanks for that....I do feel little stronger,just the thought that he thinks I´m with someone and has the audacity to be annoyed is unbelievable,but gives me a bit of satisfaction,while hes wining and dining her...and I do realise what youre saying....if I´d been struck down with an illness and couldnt make love for a while...then what,would he have stuck by me?? I doubt it....its still so so hard to take in though...he knows I had a mammogram last week,was worried about the result,as my mum died of breast cancer,and he said to let him know when I got the result,so I said ok,but why should that make a differnce to him now.Well,what will be will be I suppose,as they say,hes made his bed,now let him in it.Thanks somuch for all your support,it really is helping me get through this.X

[Ashlee T.]

he knows I had a mammogram last week,was worried about the result,as my mum died of breast cancer

What a time for you to have to go through that!! They say when it rains it pours....but you'll never get more than you can handle. When will you get your results?? Saying a prayer for good results and for strength!!

[sprucey]

thank you..get the result next week....things kicked off last night...after 2 hours being asleep with son...he walks into the bedroom,at 1.30 am!!! Gives me the shock of my life and says,see how easy it is to break into this house..he´d gotin through the patio doors,which I will now make sure are locked...and said he just had to see if I was alone or not!! So after I got over the shock and said he had no right to enter the house,he apologised and said it had been driving him mad to see who I was with!! So I said,yes,I´d had a visitor,but because son was ill the visitor had gone because my kids are my priority...if I want to have a bit of fun it will be conducted around their needs...thay dont need to see me waking up with a new man after all theyre going through! Also,he admitted to spying on me 3 hours previous through the kitchen window and saw I was at the computer...then he said hed always loved me and still did.So I said look,Ive left you to get on with your new life,knowing where you live and not going round,no texts,no wailing,so let me get on with mine. What makes me laugh is that last night was his first proper night out with her,no work in the morning...and he spends it spying on me and breaking into the house!! I dont know what line he spun her but she messaged him 4 times whilst he was here...so shes obviously totally in love with him to put up with that!! Beggars beleif doesnt it! God forbid that I´d done that to him! So there you have it...the saga continues....meanwhile,15 year old daughter has met her and says shes very nice!!! Well,she will be wont she,but I told her not to be soft soaped,she´ll try to win her over come what may.

[Ashlee T.]

Oh my....what a creep. I can imagine that was very scary for you. He really has a lot of nerve.

But lets look at it from a cheaters perspective. They don't often cheat because you're not pretty enough, or because you've done something wrong.......most of the time it's just the excitement of getting something they're not suppose to have. So now, he can have her anytime he wants, he doesn't have to sneak...and reality just isn't near as exciting. That's the dangers of a cheater. And with him, he's proved that as he's cheated before. Would I be AT ALL surprised if he started actively trying to pursue a relationship with you again? No...not in the least. Because it's always about wanting what he doesn't have. And he might be so convincing that you'd want with all your heart to believe him, but you know in your heart that years...even months down the road of letting him back in, you'd end up in the same position.

He's basically stalking you, which is extremely concerning. Maybe now you're fibbing about having a "visitor"......but in the future you won't be. And if he had actually seen you in there with someone else, who knows what he'd have done when his jealousy turned into anger. That's scary, and he needs to know that violating your privacy and entering your home without permission is UNACCEPTABLE. If he doesn't abide by that, get a restraining order ASAP. I know his jealousy is flattering....but please don't let yourself put trust in him in any way. He is clearly not the man you thought you were married to, he's very very unstable. Yours and your kids happiness and safety is worth more than 100 of him combined.

Ick....what a creep.

[sprucey]

yes,I know your right...I wasnt scared of him when he came round,but yes,I did imagine what he would have done had I been with someone else.Had a bad night,feeling very sad,just remembering the good times,and how easily he´s switched his emotions from me to her,etc.But I know I must harden my heart...its like half a step forwardand 2 back.Got a message this morning from him ´how soon you found a new man eh,but it doesnt matter,just hope you dont bore him like you did me´. Charming.

[tooconfused4words]

Oh my...he is going to dump his new little chippy VERY soon...he is not over you. BUT when that happens, and it will be soon, you will have to decide whether or not you want him back. I don't think going back is a good idea at all...he is just gonna do this again and again...but that will have to be your call. You can bet he is going to try to get back in very soon...he is going to use "think of the kids" (even though he never did)..."think of our history" (even though that didn't matter to him when it should have)..."I love you so much" (but in reality he loves himself more than he is capable of loving you or your children). Just be prepared.

On the stalking/breaking in...that is just creepy! This man seems to have significant control issues (perhaps OCD?). All was good when he was in the drivers seat...but now that he senses he might be moved to the back seat (or trunk), well, this isn't as much fun for him anymore! Not to make light of your life, which is clearly in upheaval, but his desparation makes me smile inside! It really does!


Oh and on that last text...he needs to grow the up! Did he stay up all night just to come up with that. If he bored you SO much, why should he care who you are with? No...he is just lashing out, trying to weaken you! DON'T fall for it! He is used to calling all the shots...this is very uncomfortable to him! Let him stew. (Oh, and I'd tell him that you are saving all of these harassing emails to be used later, so he'd best choose his words carefully. Even if you don't save em, he needs to think you are!)