[sandraj]

I have a habit of checking on my husband's text messsages and call lists. To me I have the right to do that. If he checks on mine, I am totally OK with it. He found out that I have been checking. He is not happy about it. He says I don't trust him and invading his privacy. But I was thinking, if he has got nothing to hide, then he should not be worried about me checking.

[x.st.angel.x]

If he has caught you checking up on him to him it may seem like you believe he will end up doing something. He may take offence to that however..... if he is checking up on you..you have every right to do that same thing to him.

There seems to be a lack of trust though...you said you have a habit of checking his messages, why's that?

[Ashlee T.]

You don't trust him. Bottom line. And now he knows you don't trust him. And how can you fully love someone you don't trust? I'm sure he's asking himself this same question and now doubting your love for him. Has he done something in the past to make you doubt him?

[Guest]

Communication and Trust. Clearly, in my opinion, these two things are lacking in your relationship.

BD nailed it! You dont trust him.

x.st was also right on with the question: Why?

[caterpillar79]

Confirmation bias? Checking for something to "confirm" your suspicion...Has he done any reason for you to do so? Before him, did you happen to develop trust issues?

I say never assume anything between the two of you, i.e. "If he checks on mine, I am totally OK with it." (your words) apparently he's not OK with you checking it. Then why persist? Communicate clearly and do not let this get between you. If there is no trust in a relationship, why continue?

No trust = No respect = no relationship

[rcoreyus]

Much of the value of relationship is lost when you don't have trust. I don't think there is any point to being in a relationship where the only reason someone behaves is beacuse they are worried about being caught. Also, if you spy on someone and they find out, it turns it into a sort of game - "she is spying, so if she wants to play that way, I can do whatever I want as long as I don't get caught).

So, no, I think spying is NEVER a good idea. At the point you think you need to spy, its time to leave.

[Casey715]

Nope.

[ashy09]

I have been bad at this lately, but with checking his facebook. I just feel so anxious that another lass is after him and he may be going along with the joy ride. So its totally my bad, but i feel reassured knowing nothings going on as i dont want to worry that i am living a lie and end up being hurt. It kinda makes me want to play a game with him and try and hurt him first before he hurts me. So if i found out about anything wrong then as a person i would feel he would have a bigger barrier to cross. As hes the one who has made the situation a mess, rather than me feeling like ive made the relationship a mess for not realizing in time that somethings going wrong and i was silly for not reconising sooner. I agree that i am happy for my partner to check my messages etc as i have nothing to hide and i feel it would give a extra boost of confidence that yes our relationship is going well and he has nothing to worry about.

Though I do think to solve this really, you need to talk to your partner regularly and ask him if everything is going fine for him. Is there anything that you could be doing thats upsetting him? Let him know that you want to know and you never want to be in the dark about things. So if you can learn to have an honest relationship by speaking then you wouldnt need to check his message etc. Thats when i feel best, its when ive knowingly had a good open conversation with my partner and from that i can go away with all the confidence in the world that my partner is trustworthy and respectable for opening up to me about 99.999% of everything.

[ManINeedACoffee]

Why, incidentally, do you feel you have the "right" to check his personal phone/text messages/etc? I'm not sure I understand how being married to someone entitles you to snoop. I would agree with your husband - you are invading his privacy, and you are making it clear that you don't trust him.

What exactly are you checking for, may I ask?

[bella321]

Why, incidentally, do you feel you have the "right" to check his personal phone/text messages/etc? I'm not sure I understand how being married to someone entitles you to snoop. I would agree with your husband - you are invading his privacy, and you are making it clear that you don't trust him.

What exactly are you checking for, may I ask?

I have checked my husbands phone and email several times over the past 5 months after discovering nearly 300 texts back and forth between him and two other women. I pay our cell phone bill and was looking at it online when I noticed tons of texts to two strange numbers at all hours of the night and day. He stopped communicating with both women right away but initially lied about what took place and how far things went. My husband finally fessed up three months later to having a one night stand with one of the women, who lives close to where he lives and works. My husband had to move out of state to work after being unemployed with no income for 1 1/2 years and this put a real strain on our marriage. Trust is so important to relationships and I was blind sided by my husbands dishonesty and betrayal. The reason it is called cheating is because one person in the relationship is being deceived while the other one is carrying on with another person under false pretenses. I doubt if either of the women that my husband texted with would have been willing to do so if he said, "Im lonely, I love my wife but I want attention from other women. Would you like to carry on a sneaky text/email relationship?" When I first discovered what was going on, I didnt know if I could deal with it and was not willing to stay with a man who cannot be faithful. My husband has professed his love to me over and over and has apologized numerous times. We are working on our marriage through therapy and I love him very much. It is imperative that there is complete transparency after infidelity takes place. I told my husband if he cant be transparent, I cant be married to him. He gave me the passwords to Facebook and email and he knows that I check the log of phone calls and texts when I pay the bill. I dont think that is snoopy or wrong, I think cheating and lying are wrong.