[KMonte85]

This debate has been ongoing for a long time. Personally, I believe that if both people in the relationship are well AWARE and ACCEPTING of looking at each other's phones/social network profile/etc, then it is fine. I look at my bf's phone, he looks at mine... usually it is just to get a # that one or the other of us doesn't have, or to see the funny joke texts we get... not to snoop.

The real problem I see here is that you're not just innocently looking through his phone. You're trying to catch him doing something. Once you've got that mentality, it's time to put the technology down and have a real c-o-n-v-e-r-s-a-t-i-o-n about your insecurity, loss of trust, why its happening, and what needs to be fixed and how. If it gets to the point that you feel you need to snoop, there are bigger problems in the relationship, and snooping doesn't fix them.

And don't for a minute think that looking at his phone or his facebook regularly is a sure sign that nothing is happening. If an untrustworthy person wants to do something without their sig other knowing, they will find a way to do it. One can have multiple secret/private social networking profiles, multiple (secret) phones, they can create a whole new persona if they want to and are good enough at keeping it under wraps. So if you're already dealing with someone you don't trust, looking as his phone will do nothing. The only way to rectify the issue (that being trust, or lack thereof) is to deal with the issue itself.

[Pau]

For me personally in a healthy relationship, there is no room for secrets. In my case, I will only start to snoop if I feel something is not right in the relationship.

May I ask why you're checking his phone?

[n2013]

i completely agree to bella

I have checked my husbands phone and email several times over the past 5 months after discovering nearly 300 texts back and forth between him and two other women. I pay our cell phone bill and was looking at it online when I noticed tons of texts to two strange numbers at all hours of the night and day. He stopped communicating with both women right away but initially lied about what took place and how far things went. My husband finally fessed up three months later to having a one night stand with one of the women, who lives close to where he lives and works. My husband had to move out of state to work after being unemployed with no income for 1 1/2 years and this put a real strain on our marriage. Trust is so important to relationships and I was blind sided by my husbands dishonesty and betrayal. The reason it is called cheating is because one person in the relationship is being deceived while the other one is carrying on with another person under false pretenses. I doubt if either of the women that my husband texted with would have been willing to do so if he said, "Im lonely, I love my wife but I want attention from other women. Would you like to carry on a sneaky text/email relationship?" When I first discovered what was going on, I didnt know if I could deal with it and was not willing to stay with a man who cannot be faithful. My husband has professed his love to me over and over and has apologized numerous times. We are working on our marriage through therapy and I love him very much. It is imperative that there is complete transparency after infidelity takes place. I told my husband if he cant be transparent, I cant be married to him. He gave me the passwords to Facebook and email and he knows that I check the log of phone calls and texts when I pay the bill. I dont think that is snoopy or wrong, I think cheating and lying are wrong.

i agree to bella that cheating and lying both are equally wrong..lying is cheating!!! i had never intruded my husband 's privacy, until last year i noticed some calls to and fro to an unknown number that lasted for hours..i asked my husband about it and instead of giving me a explaination he got annoyed that i dont trust him and check his phone bills, etc etc, wen i had put pressure on him he said it was his frnd and they were discussing about their work. Although i wasnt satisfied, i accepted what he said. Later on, i called on that number myself, n found out it was a girl who worked with my husband..i also discovered some msgs on his work computer that they both were chatting. they chat almost evry single day, nothing related to work. My husband got aggressive first saying i had spoiled his reputation, but later admitted that he had been talking to her since few days, n they were only good friends.. ..later my husband stopped talking to her and then fortunately she switched to another job in a different state. Although i know my husband s not cheating on me now, i ve lost my trust on him. Sometimes even when he s being honest, i think he s lying to me again. I dont check on his msgs n phone calls, i asked him to change his passwords. Cuz i think i dont have to waste my time and energy thinking what he might be doing. If he wants to stay in this marriage as much as i want he ll work for it. If he doesnt, its his loss. I focus on my career now. dont gv a **** about him anymore.. Trust once broken is very difficult to gain back. so i guess, checking on him sometimes saves ur life, but that obviously should not be a habit!!!

[WinterBreeze]

I don't think it is a trust issue. I tend to look in my husband's phone too. Sometimes he doesn't tell me something or waits until the last second to let me know. My type of character is the type that wants to know what is going on so there are no surprises. My hubby keeps things to himself most of the time, checking his phone lets me know that there is something on his mind.

But if your husband doesn't like that, then respect his wishes and let him know why you feel you have to look at his phone.

[wifetorn&confused]

I have to agree

I have to agree;232661]
I myself have been through betrayal & had the rug ripped right out from under me. It's the worse feeling in the world. I thought I would never get over it but I did and part of me will always feel I need to be smarter and watch for the signs so I'm not taken for a fool again. And honestly Its not something many can understand but its a reality for some woman. As easy as it sounds.to "just leave" its way harder to actually do it, we invest more then half our lives with this man, have. Children, etc... So its not so simple especially when ur heart is still fully invested in this man while he's giving his attention to some other woman who knows him what a week?,.a month?.sometimes men can be so dumb & not realize they have a great woman that would do anything for him until she's gone.& alone. It's a sad reality.






I have checked my husbands phone and email several times over the past 5 months after discovering nearly 300 texts back and forth between him and two other women. I pay our cell phone bill and was looking at it online when I noticed tons of texts to two strange numbers at all hours of the night and day. He stopped communicating with both women right away but initially lied about what took place and how far things went. My husband finally fessed up three months later to having a one night stand with one of the women, who lives close to where he lives and works. My husband had to move out of state to work after being unemployed with no income for 1 1/2 years and this put a real strain on our marriage. Trust is so important to relationships and I was blind sided by my husbands dishonesty and betrayal. The reason it is called cheating is because one person in the relationship is being deceived while the other one is carrying on with another person under false pretenses. I doubt if either of the women that my husband texted with would have been willing to do so if he said, "Im lonely, I love my wife but I want attention from other women. Would you like to carry on a sneaky text/email relationship?" When I first discovered what was going on, I didnt know if I could deal with it and was not willing to stay with a man who cannot be faithful. My husband has professed his love to me over and over and has apologized numerous times. We are working on our marriage through therapy and I love him very much. It is imperative that there is complete transparency after infidelity takes place. I told my husband if he cant be transparent, I cant be married to him. He gave me the passwords to Facebook and email and he knows that I check the log of phone calls and texts when I pay the bill. I dont think that is snoopy or wrong, I think cheating and lying are wrong.[/QUOTE]

[lizzardb63]

I have a habit of checking on my husband's text messsages and call lists. To me I have the right to do that. If he checks on mine, I am totally OK with it. He found out that I have been checking. He is not happy about it. He says I don't trust him and invading his privacy. But I was thinking, if he has got nothing to hide, then he should not be worried about me checking.

He probably has hurt feelings for the fact that you DON'T trust him. Just like you say why should he be upset if he has nothing to hide....why are you checking if you really trust him? I can understand why he's upset. If I found out my husband was checking my phone I'd have hurt feelings that I gave him the impression that he can't trust me. And, there has to be some sort of privacy in a relation which comes along with trust.

[rcoreyus]

Old thread but seems alive again. I have no problem with my wife using my phone or my computer. OTOH if I thought she was searching the phone or computer for signs that I had misbehaved, then I would be very upset.

I think that you should not stay in a relationship if you feel you need to spy. You can never know if something is going on that you will miss, or if you will misinterpret something innocent. For people who say that the relationship is too important (children or such) to just leave because they are suspicious: Isn't it too important to leave if they did cheat? If you don't trust them, why does it matter if they are actually cheating or not?

[wifetorn&confused]

Hi lizardb63 I can understand your point but at the same time she states "if he checks mine & I'm fine with it" then why is it ok for him to "snoop" but not for her. Clearly now based on her story, we now know its not just all in her head, he did violate the sanctity of their marriage, he violated in the worse way &thats not something you can just get over that quickly. At this point he made it clear he's apologized numerous times & wants to stay in the marriage so the very 1st thing he should be doing to earn her full trust again is to be an open book 1000%. He should automatically know whatever she needs to ask, or find out when it comes to him then he needs to deliver * the drop of a dime. If he can't handle that, then he needs to tell her he can't handle that & walk away but don't tell your wife your so so so sorry, you want to work it out, yet you still want to keep parts of your life (like your cell phone) private. Isn't that where all his indiscretions begin? Isn't that where she discover like 300 texts between him & 2 other women (one of which he had a 1 night stand with) so his cell should be the 1st his wife should check periodically. There's a thin line between monitoring his cell, facebook, etc...to help her feel "ok he's not being sneaky maybe he really is trying to make this work" helping her trust him more, then there's stalking his stuff just tryin to find something that's not there. If he didn't have a problem letting her check his phone (keep in mind its because of HIS actions that she even feels the need to do this, its his fault) then maybe she'd be able to loosen up & trust in him by now. But the more he keeps fighting her with keeping a part of his life off limits, the more I see this marriage failing horribly. Now put him in het shoes, if he caught 300txts to 2 men, 1 she slept with, do you honestly think we'd be having this conversation? No, because he would've been out that door. So its sad that a wife is more willing to work out a marriage after a husbands affair but a man just can't handle the violation to his "manhood". So does this mean women's feeling are less then? It frustrates me, such a doule standard sometimes.

[wifetorn&confused]

I agree its wrong if your "spying" just to find something that's not there, but if a husband CHEATS & has violated her yet begs to stay together & willing to do whatever to make it work & earn her trust back, the n I don't think its "spying" when she's checking the places he got caught cheating in the 1st place.

[Stillness]

I don't know how people have this kind of energy. I just don't have it in me to investigate my wife. If I saw some evidence of infidelity I would try to figure out if my suspicions had any basis in reality. But on an ongoing basis? I'd probably just leave after an affair if I couldn't trust her.

Life is to short to live in a constant state of jealous suspicion. Everyone deserves privacy, especially adults. I want mine and I want my wife to have hers without being policed. Unless there's some kind of agreement or a strong indication that something is not right, it seems like a sort of cheating or violation to sneak and go through your mate's stuff.

I might be wrong, but I can't imagine that kind of relationship is sustainable.