[lostconfused]

Hi, I'm new on here but I feel like I have no where to turn. I know I'm in shock and that is why I'm so lost. A few weeks ago I found a link on my home computer for an escort service on backpage.com.
(My husband, a little background, travels Sunday-Thursday every week and have been since December 2005. He is currently in the area where I found the link.) I asked him about it and he said it was some kind of spam and that it was nothing. Like an idiot, I believed him. Well, the other night I could not get a hold of him so I started to get worried. I pulled up his cell phone records from our joint account and found the phone numbers to the girls on that backpage site. I called and asked him why and he got silent, then defensive. At that point I knew i was on to him. He confused to almost having sex with a co-worker 10 years ago and upon request gave me details. He said there was nothing else.

The next night, I just had more questions and found out more details about the co-worker encounter of which there was kissing and her disrobing but him seeing his wedding ring and leaving. He also revealed that months before our wedding he thinks his mom sent his ex-girlfriend out to get him...this being 12 years ago. He finally told me that he had been calling escort services b/c he liked the way they made him feel but he never did anything more than call. B/c of issues in our marriage I was not surprised to hear he was finding alternative sources. He has always been upset that I don't initiate sex and that I'm tired a lot when he does come home on weekends. I felt like the kissing from 10 years ago was awful but the phone calls were a reaction to neglect at home and was able to forgive those calls...until 3 am when I realized he said that he had been calling girls since "wisconsin" which was 3.5 years ago. I called him and he wouldn't talk b/c he is sleeping and had to get up for work. I got back on my cell phone research and found out that a text he got on Christmas day was a phone number he had called in the past and b/c I am so suspicious on Christmas day I read his text to find a response that said "merry xmas did you get my email about flights".
This morning I found out that he has been having sex with excorts for 4 years, maybe 5...I have to find the dates and that the text came from an escort whom he was going to fly to be with him. He has been seeing an escort every week for I don't know how long.
We have 3 kids and I'm 18 weeks pregnant with our 4th, which he wanted very badly. We have been together for 16 years and married for 12. He is the only man I've ever been with and I'm disgusted that he has had sex with countless women when he is supposed to only be mine.
What do I do? I know I need therapy for me at least to deal. Am I am idiot for trying to help him get help(think he's an addict)? Do I try to make a marriage last? If I do, what kind of fool am i?
thanks, lostconfused

[lostconfused]

Sorry for all the typos, I'm so shocked.

[pretzel]

I think I can understand the confusion and the hurt. But if I can offer my thoughts.

I would definately say that you are not a fool. You are not responsible for his decisions and the resulting ramification. You are not responsible for the hurt and the total destruction of what was once you marriage. Whether or not that can be saved is way beyond anything I or anyone else can offer here, but in taking advantage of the therapy will allow you the opportunity to organize the process as well as your thoughts and feelings toward him. Nothing will alleviate the hurt, the feeling of betrayal both in trust and respect.

Personally, and it's solely my opinion, that you husband isn't addicted to sex (or escorts or whatever). I say this simply because when he's at home the issue doesn't arise. I wouldn't say that that seems consistant with an addiction. Unfortunately, what it does sound like is you husband's respect for you as a person and as a spouse was less important to him than him being able to get away with cheating on you when he was away. The fact that he was using escort services really is immateral in my opinion. I think your husband did it because he thought he could get away with it. It was the act of a selfish person who only had his pleasure in mind. He more than likely justifies the escort services as "safer" both in discretion and in reducing the risks of STD's.

To you question concerning whether or not to try and save you marriage. I have no clue. But what I will say is that good marriages are based on mutual trust, respect and love. I would say you husband has left two of those behind.

[rcoreyus]

I think it is important to understand why he was doing this. If he only contacted escort services when he was away from home, then he was not trying to replace his sex life with you, but was looking for something when you were not available. That is NOT OK, but it is a starting point. It might mean that he might accept other things for sex - maybe phone sex with you while he is away?

All this assumes that you want to stay with him. This is something only you can decide. My feeling is that if you can take away the reason for someone doing something like this then they are unlikely to repeat it, if not, then they will probably do it again .

[Ashlee T.]

I typed a whole response, timed out and lost it. So here goes again:

You've been married for 12 years.
Your husband admits that 10 years ago he cheated on you with a coworker.
Your husband has been actively cheating on you weekly for at least 5 years.

Your husband is a cheater. He's always been a cheater. And he very likely always will be. You are at home raising 3 children with another on the way, while he's out sewing his wild oats, living a double life. He has not only betrayed and deceived you, he has disregarded your health. He's out sleeping with strangers weekly, then coming home to you (and obviously having unprotected sex, hence, the current pregnancy) and complaining because you're not sleeping with him enough. He is well aware he's putting your health at risk, and even the health of his unborn child at risk. I can only imagine how exhausted you are by the time he comes home, having been at home all week with the 3 small kids alone. But he wants you to suddenly become his sexy weekend escort. You are already a single parent hun....you're raising these kids by yourself MOST of the time....he's only providing financial support (which you'd get even if you weren't married).

I'm going to be very blunt and very honest here. You are married to a cheater. You're married to a man that doesn't love nor respect you. Counseling is a great idea for you, to help you gain strength and independence and work through this with yourself. But counseling with him, trying to remodel this marriage into something it's truly never been, I'm afraid is going to be a long, exhausting waste of time for you. Nows the time to accept what is reality here even though I know it hurts terribly. Accept it and figure out what your next steps are in building a life for you and your kids....one free from lies, betrayal, deceit.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Your life in my opinion hasn't been a marriage for a long time.

I say that because, you see him Friday and Saturday's only...Twice a week, and have done so for years...

When he gets home, your too tired for sex, and you don't initiate it....


There underlies the problem..... Your tired, as your raising 3 and a half children pretty much on your own... He comes home, wants to see his kids, and then wants to be intimate but your too tired...

It is possible that this pattern has been going on for the past 5 years?

Marriages at the best of times are hard to keep alive, spiced up and not be placed in the friendship zone....

Yes, he cheated, and he lied about it to cover....Only you can decide if you believe that if things had been different he wouldn't have, that he loves you, and he uses escorts for sex, not having an affair,so no emotions, purely sex, or he's there for the children and has given up and chooses escorts because they will do what he wants.

If you can work out that answer, then you can make a decision....

Those two days? 100 odd days a year, a third only of your lives per year your together, should be magical and you both should be missing each other terribly....The children should be with grandparents for a night, so you can have quality time together....and maybe he shouldn't be in the job he's in, or you move closer to where he is working.....

CW

[Colorado]

I typed a whole response, timed out and lost it. So here goes again:

You've been married for 12 years.
Your husband admits that 10 years ago he cheated on you with a coworker.
Your husband has been actively cheating on you weekly for at least 5 years.

Your husband is a cheater. He's always been a cheater. And he very likely always will be. You are at home raising 3 children with another on the way, while he's out sewing his wild oats, living a double life. He has not only betrayed and deceived you, he has disregarded your health. He's out sleeping with strangers weekly, then coming home to you (and obviously having unprotected sex, hence, the current pregnancy) and complaining because you're not sleeping with him enough. He is well aware he's putting your health at risk, and even the health of his unborn child at risk. I can only imagine how exhausted you are by the time he comes home, having been at home all week with the 3 small kids alone. But he wants you to suddenly become his sexy weekend escort. You are already a single parent hun....you're raising these kids by yourself MOST of the time....he's only providing financial support (which you'd get even if you weren't married).

I'm going to be very blunt and very honest here. You are married to a cheater. You're married to a man that doesn't love nor respect you. Counseling is a great idea for you, to help you gain strength and independence and work through this with yourself. But counseling with him, trying to remodel this marriage into something it's truly never been, I'm afraid is going to be a long, exhausting waste of time for you. Nows the time to accept what is reality here even though I know it hurts terribly. Accept it and figure out what your next steps are in building a life for you and your kids....one free from lies, betrayal, deceit.

Couldn't have expressed my feelings any better than BD has - He will not change, he has dishonored you and betrayed you. As BD also stated, at this point I'm afraid you are his "at home" escort; nothing more.

[Tem]

Wow. I think counseling for you is a great idea, especially because you've got so much on your plate and you are pregnant. Seek out as much support as you need. I imagine you are financially dependent on your husband, but I wouldn't worry about what he needs right now. Take care of yourself and your children first.

I don't know what to say about your husband except that he might not think it is actual "cheating" because he is with an escort. He isn't having a true extra marital affair. He just pays women for sex. I imagine that is how he rationalizes it.

[DESILUCION10]

I feel your pain, I'm going through a similar situation.

[WildChild]

Got to wonder what he spent on all that?