[YummyMummyNat]

My husband knows I can have any guy I want so to keep me he does what I say really - i've got a big problem with porn so he gave it up. If he didn't care about me i'd be straight out the door and rubbing his face in it and showing him what he's missing

[Malibu]

Caught husband watching gay porn

I think the reason why some women get upset over their husbands watching porn is that they do not feel comfortable. It makes some wives feel as if they "aren't good enough" if you will.

That's bad enough........BUT JUST TODAY I found gay porn in the DVD.
THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME.
I wonder how many married men out there are getting themselves off secretly watching gay male porn. This suggests bi-sexual tendency on his part.
I also don't wanna hear "well at the end of the day who does he come home to?" That doesn't mean a thing in my opinion. Some men come home to a clean house, cooked meal, and oh yes that additional paycheck many of us bring home. What's NOT to come home to.
I rather live alone in honesty, than continue the lie.
Please forgive me if I am upset, but this only happened today.
Later I will have a nice, long chat.

Was I hurt? YOU bet. But more than hurt, I am confused. This positions me to wonder, just how many other "secrets" is this man keeping........
I don't care what one's sexuality is, but please don't drag unsuspecting spouses into your confusion by living a lie.
And THAT is really the nitty gritty issue. The lie................

[Guest]

I wonder how many married men out there are getting themselves off secretly watching gay male porn. This suggests bi-sexual tendency on his part.
I also don't wanna hear "well at the end of the day who does he come home to?" That doesn't mean a thing in my opinion.

very sorry. i'd be upset to.

i don't want to poke at you while your sore & hurting. forgive me - and ignore me - if that's how you percieve this.

but how would your reaction have differed, if at all, if it had been straight porn?

[stephreneeowens]

i agree

porn is bad and addictive, and puts ideas in mens heads. i think if you want to have a successful relationship then honesty is key...if you both want porn and it makes you BOTH happy then do it. If not dont. I personally think its disgusting and degrading. Just know where both of you stand and be honest, if he says hes not watching it, and you catch him then he is cheating on you in my opinion.

[Malibu]

Reply to Wilhelm from Malibu

Hi Wilhelm

Am new to this forum, so please forgive if I am not using the reply properly, etc.

BUT in answer to your question, I personally am not thrilled either way by the use of pornography-period.

However, the double whammy in my case is that I am questioning husbands honesty and sexuality. This is not just, "oh well I am annoyed and embarrassed" or insecure. It's much more serious for me. I am questioning my husband's true sexuality.
IF this were just something that ONLY affected him-so be it. BUT the last time I checked, we are married! Therefore, of course, his secret desires to get off on men, absolutely ****es me off.

I just demand honesty in marriage. I give it to him and expect it back. I will NOT undersell myself and live a dishonest relationship because society today tries to tell me that I am being "closed minded" and old fashioned.

Further, am glad that I am old fashioned............
At 48 years old, I want to be.......Thats just who I am.

[Malibu]

SO true

porn is bad and addictive, and puts ideas in mens heads. i think if you want to have a successful relationship then honesty is key...if you both want porn and it makes you BOTH happy then do it. If not dont. I personally think its disgusting and degrading. Just know where both of you stand and be honest, if he says hes not watching it, and you catch him then he is cheating on you in my opinion.

Agreed. Cheating has so many variables to it. It is not a fixed thing. There is what I call, "above the neck" cheating--meaning the attraction is there and the excessive flirting which is just ONE notch away from actually acting out a full- blown sexual cheating event.

Some men openly flirt with other women right in front of their wives. Thankfully this is not the case with my present husband. My first husband's neck would make a 180 degree turn (while DRIVING mind you), chasing a skirt in the hopes that the woman would turn around and lock eyes.
I left him eventually, as this is emotional abusiveness---and verbal abuse too.

The new church I joined has really taught me well-----that a wife is a precious gift from the heavens and is to be treated with dignity and respect. It goes without saying that a wife should honor her husband the same. This is really a valuable and simple principle---mutual respect--it goes far.

[Malibu]

A Simple Answer

seriously are there any older women that know why??? i am coming up on 4 years of marriage and this has always come up...it isn't an obsession but it is semi regular i know because i spy....i know it is wrong but i would rather know and shut up then not know and pretend it is all good..... why do they need to look at other women? what purpose does it serve? i am so frustrated??? UUUGGGG!!!!!!!!!! ok i feel a little better but really why? what need does it fill that i can't??

I think male ego is part of it. Some creeps actually think the so called "star" (talk about a word out of context) is DOING them. THEN they retain this thought and act it out on their partner. I could be wrong--just a guess.
A friend of mine's husband's response was, "would YOU like to eat steak every night for dinner for the rest of your life"?
So this kinda supports the visual theory- and of course some couples do get into ruts.
It all depends on your situation.

[Guest]

for what it's worth, there's a scientific reason that has been offered as well. the chemicals that wash over the brain when a guy indulges in porn have the same effects as heroin. the dopamine actually floods at the point of orgasm & "locks in" an associated cause & effect response equation.

this is what makes porn so addictive.

none of this negates the fact that guys like to check out girls, guys are visual, etc.

it's just one of the tentacles that help it to entangle so many guys.

[Guest]

Dear whilhelm -

I'm "Lovie" and I wrote the post in the quote above. I would like to thank you for taking the time to educate ALL OF US on this very serious issue. You have obviously taken a lot of time to learn the facts about this very destructive industry and I am very proud of you for committing yourself to the happiness and the well-being of your lovely wife (who I'm sure in a saint) .

Some people on this thread say that porn does not harm ALL marriages, buy why would anyone who cherishes their mate want to roll the dice??? Marriage is about putting the needs and feelings of your spouse before your own trivial and carnal desires and I am touched to see a man in our day and age who understands that.

You haven't judged or insulted anyone on this thread. You haven't made this whole thing about winning an argument. You're just trying to provide us with information that will help us. Unfortunately, we are all going to be touched my the pornography industry sooner or later, so we need to know the facts about it so that we can make informed decisions about it WHEN (not if) we come face-to-face with it.

People need to know what the risks are BEFORE they decide to use or allow pornography into their marriage. There are enough people on this thread and on other websites that have been devastated by pornography to warrant a close examination of this thing so that people know what could possibly happen if they decide to use or allow pornography. If you insist on playing Russian Roulette with your marriage, you should at least know how many bullets are in the gun before you do it. Because once those images in are in your head, they are there forever.....there is no rehab clinic in the world that can remove them. So it behooves all of us to get educated before hand.

You seem to care a lot about women, whilhelm...... and not just your wife either.....you seem to care about ALL women......even the ladies on this thread who are objecting . Personally, I am very grateful for the posts that the scoffers have submitted because their opinion that "99% of men do it" is a viewpoint shared by most pro-porners and that view needed to be addressed....and think that you did an excellent job of doing so. I guess we can answer that opinion with the all-too-familiar question that our mothers asked us as children......

"If Billy jumped off of a cliff, would you do it?"

The fact that somebody else "seems" to not be negatively affected by it doesn't mean that we should allow this thing into our lives. Let's AT LEAST get the facts first. I think that our families are worth that much.

whilhelm, you seem to care a lot about this issue and you are an excellent communicator. It would be waist for your thoughts on this topic to stop with this thread. Would you consider submitting a freelance article about this issue to a newspaper like the NY Times or to a popular magazine? There are alot of men and women out there who would benefit from it. I hope that you do. It's not enough to just tell people that pornography is harmful and just leave it at that. People need to know WHY it's harmful and you seem to have done your homework on the subject....and you seem to have done it because of a genuine concern for families, girlfriends, wives AND porn actresses (if you can call them "actresses").

If you do decide to do it, would you mind letting us know? I would love get a copy of it.

i didn't want to let this go by - i really want to thank you for your kind words here. this was very encouraging.

i will probably always feel a sense of need to make up for the times i lied to my wife & let her leave the house believing i was who i told her i was - only to fire up the computer & make a fool of her, for hours. i can't describe the freedom i experience in not being chained to that cycle any more, but it still causes a great degree of guilt.

and your words are very encouraging. thanks -

[Malibu]

It's NOT about you

[quote=Emily_Dudley1*hotmail.com;12937]That is so ****** to say it has nothing to do with the wife. Just because the husband is good does not mean it is o.k. to watch porn to keep from cheating. He should already feel like a man in christ. It tells the women hey I want to be with someone else. Anyways you are a sick man. It is not healthy cause if it was God would not say it is a sin. Second of all he has totally agreed to not watching it. It is not like I am unattractive I have a body every women would want at that he is way older than I and I am 26 He is 37. We are happy now that we have settled the problem and I even asked if watching it with him would make him happy. He said no because he is a man of Christ and wishes to not do theses things because it effects my self esteem and he is in love with me.[/quote

Just basically want to say to anyone who gets deeply offended, or lacks self-esteem due to the choices of others (e.g. husbands/boyfriends) take heart--the problem is not about you. The poor choices are theirs.
Don't let it destroy your self-esteem. Porn addiction is a disease. Key word ADDICTION. NOT your fault! So don't own or even rent the problem!
I am amazed at how many folks go on crash diets, get major cosmetic surgery for others. This is wrong! If you do choose to improve yourself-do it for the right reason, that is FOR YOU!
So please don't get offended by the choices of others.
I am struggling with this myself---but at least am trying and refuse to own the problem/addiction.