[ONLE_U]

Only 8 months

Ive been in my current relationship for 8 months (only) and porn is a huge issue. I hate the thought that he looks at it. I cry about it and stop eating (as if in reality that's gonna do anything). I know he looks at it and 'hides' it but I know...and I know he knows that I know.

I feel like Im not good enough, that those girls are hotter, prettier, sexier and can do that kinky stuff he wants.

Do you ever end up being "OK" with it? I dont want to end our relationship over this, over my jealousy. I want him to know how I feel...and Ive told him and he's willing to give me up before he gives it up

[Guest]

please don't let yourself believe that they're hotter, prettier, sexier than you are. your hottness or sexiness doesn't depend on anyone's perception.

but i know, you want him to think you are pretty, sexy, hot.

i guess it's dangerous dolling out advice regarding people & circumstances you don't really know. i see people doing it here & i think it can be impulsive.

i don't think you can ever be OK with it. your instincts are giving you red flags for a reason. i guess if you ignore it long enough, you might just numb yourself to the pain you feel now. but is that really what you want?

it's not your jealousy that's causing problems - it's that the two of you have different beliefs about priorities. you seem to disagree on whether or not you should be a higher priority than porn in his life. i would agree - but who's right or wrong?

you just have to define for yourself what you're willing to accept.

if he says he would choose porn over you - doesn't that really answer your dilemma?

i don't know you. but i would bet just about anything that you are worth more than that.

my advice is not to sell yourself so short. you are worth being the thing that he would choose NOTHING over.

don't accept any less.

[Lovie]

Ive been in my current relationship for 8 months (only) and porn is a huge issue. I hate the thought that he looks at it. I cry about it and stop eating (as if in reality that's gonna do anything). I know he looks at it and 'hides' it but I know...and I know he knows that I know.

I feel like Im not good enough, that those girls are hotter, prettier, sexier and can do that kinky stuff he wants.

Do you ever end up being "OK" with it? I dont want to end our relationship over this, over my jealousy. I want him to know how I feel...and Ive told him and he's willing to give me up before he gives it up

I strongly suggest that you read everything that "whilhelm" has had to say on this subject. You can do a search uder HIS user name to pull up all of his posts on pornography.

There's nothing wrong with you. One day those girls on those videos are going to get older to. Thay won't be 18 forever and then that porn producer will just get a new batch of girls after that. If you are not married to this man, and he has such little regard for your feelings, you might want to do some soul searching about whether to remain in this relationship. I was with my boyfriend for 7 months and I posted the same problem a few days ago. We have since broken up.

I guess what I'm saying is that you should be with a guy because he cherishes and respects you....not because you are afraid that life won't go on without him......because life DOES go on.....it always does.

[ONLE_U]

Soul Searching

I definatly have a lot of soul searching to do, I know this for a fact. And like my bestfriend said as well-dont compromise.

At this point I think I need to really dig deep in to what I dont like about it.
I know a big issue is that I am jealous of their bodies. Does that seem weird? Im jealous because Im a size 16, not hot at all in my eyes. I lost 60 lbs and have gained it all back.

My plan: start being ok with me.

You guys have helped me and I appreciate all your advice and would like to hear anything you have to say. The unbias opinions really do help.

[Guest]

I guess what I'm saying is that you should be with a guy because he cherishes and respects you....not because you are afraid that life won't go on without him......because life DOES go on.....it always does.

that's it.

i really don't think it's weird that you're jealous. you're supposed to be jealous. you're supposed to be protective of the relationship you have with the one you love. when you see all kinds of distractions, you should be concerned.

the girls in porn are created. they are made to look a certain way. they don't roll out of bed like that. they don't go to bed like that. some have to work harder than others, but they all have to be made to look the way they do in porn.

interestingly, many of the women in porn are the most insecure. it's an amazing irony. these are the girls taht are held up as the "standard." the perfect bodies.

and day after day they are used - everything inside of them disregarded & ignored. absolutely unacknowledged. and they begin to believe that they are worth only what they look like.

unfortunately, they're right. people who consume porn are only interested in what the girls look like. the better they look to the consumer, the more they're movies will sell.

imagine what it would be like to believe that you are only worth what you look ike - how tight your body is. and then to grow old.

is it any wonder that the suicide rate among FEMALE porn stars is the highest of any other profession (even higher than psychiatrists, who held the record for decades)? as they watch their bodies inevitably age, they desperately chase surgery after surgery to keep up with the new 18 year olds that are flocking like lemmings to join the march off the cliff.

until they just give up. those who can't numb themselves with alcohol or drugs, sadly just let go.

they bought the lie that porn offered them: "you are only worth as much as your body provides sexual stimulation to men."

well, you seem to be threatening to buy that same lie. porn doesn't stop with its performers. it breathes this deception all over the place, trying to lead us all to believe that women are only worth what they look like.

i hope you will fight the urge to sink into that.

one of the saddest things i've seen with women who live with guys that are into porn, strip clubs, etc - is that they slip into a deep depression that is characterized by weight gain. they are so hurt that the man they love is choosing to get off watching someone else - that they get angry & lost inside. then depression. a total and helpless despair over the comparison of her body to those in porn - and eventually to any other girl that seems pretty. she begins to hate her own body for it's shotcomings when compared to the girls in porn - and, perhaps subconsciously, her self hatred is manifest in a purposeful sabbotaging of her physical beauty.

she "lets herself go" out of self loathing. the more she goes, the more she hates herself for how she looks, the more she lets her looks go, and so on.

[hotdogg]

so now whilhem thinks he is doctor phil!

hmm i must say your advice must be really helpful!

you are assuming that just because a guy looks at porn he must be the lowest of the low! why is he seen like that, just because he finds something else a turn on?

also suggesting that you should make a guy choose between porn or you! that is ridiculous. the end result will be him going to greater lengths to hide the stuff!

your advice is so unrealistic that anyone who follows it will never be happy.

LISTEN LADIES i know alot about porn i know why i watch it, i know why guys watch it, i also know why some women hate the fact that their man watches it.
but rest assured it does not mean they are not attracted to you! it does not mean they are not satisfied! my husband loves me to bits and i love him to bits we have a very good sex life we have been together 10 years and we both watch porn!

so all the rubbish about it affecting your sex life is just not true!

at the end of the day if porn did not exsist then people would have to use their minds more, they would fantasie about a neigbour or friend! the question is what would you have the bigger problem with?

[Guest]

you are assuming that just because a guy looks at porn he must be the lowest of the low! why is he seen like that, just because he finds something else a turn on?

also suggesting that you should make a guy choose between porn or you! that is ridiculous. the end result will be him going to greater lengths to hide the stuff!

your advice is so unrealistic that anyone who follows it will never be happy.

dawg. you never fail to amaze me. i'm going to engage with you here - only in so much as the points we debate might help this girl make up her mind about how she feels.

you spend a majority of your posts here defending the relationship you & your husband have, as though someone were attacking you guys. where did you get this:

"you are assuming that just because a guy looks at porn he must be the lowest of the low! why is he seen like that, just because he finds something else a turn on?"


i never saw anyone make that assumption. we're not talking about "guys." we're talking about her boyfriend. i never said he was low. she did say, however, that after she described to him how much his use of porn hurt her - he said he would rather give her up than give up the porn.

i'm merely pointing out the obvious: maybe she doesn't want to remain with him knowing that, if push came to shove, he holds porn more dearly than he holds her.

now this is an interesting comment:

"also suggesting that you should make a guy choose between porn or you! that is ridiculous. the end result will be him going to greater lengths to hide the stuff!"

keep in mind, HD, i never suggested that. she indicated that she did ask him, though - since he made it clear he would pick the porn over her. and that clarly is her prerogative, right? you haven't asked your husband to make that choice, because you don't mind the porn. but if you detected something in your relationship - a behavior that you were uncomfortable with - would you feel within your rights to ask him to give it up, assuming he didn't need it?

your last statement is really revealing: 'the end result will be him going to greater lengths to hide the stuff!"

in other words, it's so important he just could NOT give it up - is this what you're implying? i would say that's a pretty big problem. i mean, you indicate that porn is a lot of fun & it offers you the ability to be lazy & get off without all the work.

but is it so important that you couldn't live without it?

if the answer is yes, then i think you have a problem - any of us would, if we were that controlled by porn.

you seem to be advising this girl to accept the lesser of all evils. your perception is that - this is as good as it gets, so you better accept it, because it will not, cannot, change.

then you offer that you & your husband consume porn all the time & you have a great life together. as though this should somehow take away this girl's concerns. she should no longer worry that her boyfriend is getting sexual satisfaction from girls she thinks are prettier than she is. she should no longer feel insecure about all the kink he is getting off on, knowing she would never be comfortable doing those things.

so your solution is: get over it, sweetie. this is what men do.

it gets no better.

OK. it's a public forum. she wants advice. that's yours.

my thoughts are coming from the opposite direction. you might tell her to accept it, because it's better than the alternative (him cheating or fantasizing about a neighbor - though i'm not sure what the difference is. there's a difference in him fantasizing about a neighbor & fantasizing about a porn star?).

i'm telling her that you're wrong. this is NOT the best it gets. she can hope for more - and in fact she should insist on more. telling her all men watch porn is a lie. they don't. telling her that if she demands a guy not do that then he will just lie to her & hide it is also a lie. many guys will do that - that's true. but not all.

she seems to want to be with a guy who will not use porn & who will not lie to her. those are reasonable expectations. not unrealistic. they're fair - and very possible.

HD, she wants to be number 1. why shouldn't she be? why should she settle for - "well, i can take or leave you, but i gotta have porn."

i can't imagine a good reason.

[Guest]

so all the rubbish about it affecting your sex life is just not true!

if you were right, all these women would not be posting to the contrary.

[YummyMummyNat]

I told my husband he would have to give it up else I would leave and he gave it up - like someone just said, some men would give it up and others wouldn't

[hotdogg]

"though i'm not sure what the difference is. there's a difference in him fantasizing about a neighbor & fantasizing about a porn star?".

the difference is the neighbour could be obtained the porn star can not be obtained.

ok i missed the bit about the guy saying he would choose porn before her! if he said that she should leave he does not respect her.

plus i think guys who do not use porn are rare! i know alot of guys, they all use porn and it does not matter if they are in a relationship they still use it.

i remember being at my husbands works christmas bash! and i was talking to some of the girls that worked at my husbands company, and porn came up in our disscussion and one of the office girls got very defensive and claimed that her boyfriend does not look at that stuff! we all laughed and said all men look, yet she was adamant that he did not!
anyway little did she know her boyfriend did indeed look because my husbands brother sells him dvds on a regular basis.

also porn only affects your sex life if you believe he prefers the girls to you! if that was the case he would never have got with you! they watch to see a sexual act! it does not reflect on you so you should never feel insecure about it.

at the end of the day if it was not porn making you feel insecure it would be something else! would you stop him watching tv in case a naked women appeared? would you barr MTV because the women dress like hookers?
would you stop him going on a night out with the guys in case he went to strip club?

it would go on and on.

the way i would look at it you know you could always attract another guy so why let porn make you feel bad about yourself.