[HrtBrkn]

For now stay strong for the boys and tell them that Daddy is leaving Mummy, not them...He loves them and will still see them...And talk to your estranged husband and tell him the boys are the most important issue in this and he can see them, pick them up and have them as well, you won't hold that against him...Don't rebel because they need both parents...

I wont deny him seeing and spending time with the boys, but he has never taken care of them, he come home and is just a buddy and doesnt play with them or anything and instead of watching kids shows he will put on American Dad. I also know for a fact that he smokes pot, he would do so in his home office that is right next to the kids playroom. I dont trust him with the kids by himself and I will suffer his company for supervised visitation, I want to make sure my kids are cared for. He is very selfish, the kids would be hungry and it might be lunch or dinner on a day that he is home and he will make HIMSELF to eat and maybe give the kids a little bite of his food. Then maybe after he ate he will make the kids something to eat, he doesnt even know what they like or dont like.

I'm sorry that this has happened.. but it's like ships passing in the night, he comes home your ready for bed, there's no laughter, conversations, chances to dress up, nothing...It's just two people living together.....Pitty he can't see that and what he could have done to change that, and see the princess he originally married.

Thank you for saying this. This is what I tell him all the time. I felt like he was a roommate, actually the maid. There was always laughter and great conversations before and we had fun and dressed up. He never tried to regain that, I tried so many times but he is passive. He is definitely a do-er or leader. Maybe its midlife crisis who knows. But at 46 he should have his priorites straight and his own family is what should matter the most and you fight to keep it together you dont abandon them for any reason.

[HrtBrkn]

When did things start going sour, when you got injured, when the boys were born, before, after, when? I'm more suspicious that he has been living another life.

You can get a copy of your taxes you filed from the IRS by calling 1-800-908-9946. It takes 2 weeks but is free. More information is at the irs gov website. Since they were filled jointly and your name is on them, you have right to see them without your husbands consent. They will tell you how much he has been earning, at least what he is reporting.

Thank you! I will call tomorrow. Things started going sour after our second baby was born. I think that is when he got us in so much debt, that year his firm settled a really big case which isnt the norm but he said he paid off credit cards and back taxes. The rest was put into a savings account I had thought, that is what he led me to believe anyway.

After I got in the car accident when my youngest was almost 1 is when I learned that we were in so much debt bc he said that it was great that I was in this accident so he would get alot of money for my case to pay back taxes of 100K. That was Oct of 2009 that he told me that. I feel like we are in neverending debt. He couldnt really account where all the money went and that was money just for that ONE case they had other cases and other money coming in too so where did that money go? How can I find out? WHo do I call? Will an agressive lawyer be able to uncover this for me? I mean thats is ALOT of money we could easily have put a much needed addition to our home and had money left over. I even suggested selling my car and only have one car for the family and he didnt want to do that. He only drives his car to the train station and it just sits there all day and night until he comes home.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Mmmm....

Dope destroys your brain cells bit by bit, puts you into depression, and the need for more.....you can't focus all you do is stare at the TV and get the munchies

So, has he always smoked dope? Do you think there is something else he is taking maybe? That may have also dwingled monies, also it's addictive he may have an addictive personality therefore gamble?

He doesn't sound like a fit Father.... Your children need a man that plays ball with them, knows what they like to eat, and you need a man that brings back that laughter.

I'd say it's not you, it's the drugs....They've lowered him down...., not really concentrating on work, perhaps gambling somewhere instead till 11 at night, and can't face life....

That's not your problem but I'd be telling him to get councelling and ascertain if he is addicted to dope and other things and to re-gain his life because at 46, if he stays this way? He'll lose his position with the Firm, and have nothing and fall even further and your children will never see him, or anything from him to help support their future, their lives....

CW

[Ashlee T.]

Just don't go soft....if he's a lawyer he's got connections in that field and he'll automatically think he has the upper hand here. He'll try to intimidate you with that. Get yourself someone from out of town, not someone he's most likely connected to or "buddy buddy" with behind the scenes. Get yourself a pitbull, not a bassett hound. You do NOT want to spend the rest of your life working your tail off barely squeezing by while you help him pay off his debts.

Most likely, you don't even know the half of who you were married to. There will be more uncovered as time passes. For him to abruptly leave you and his children, with no means of financial support, there are other things going on here despite what he tells you at this point. Be prepared for what you may find out in the coming weeks and months.

In the meantime, turn to your girlfriends and your family for support. Don't be ashamed. You need them. And we're here too, to listen and to provide any support that we can.

[HrtBrkn]

He smoked dope casually since college, after we got married he stopped and we were good. He started smoking it again after our second baby was born. Also I found silver metallic 'bullets' in his garbage can in his home office. He told me they were whippets. I dont think other than those two drugs he does anything else. I agree about the depressive state bc I see that in him. His brother has bipolar disorder and since being married and living together I see all the signs in him that he might have a mild case of bipolar himself, it does run in families. Marijuana use in people with this disorder just amplifies the depressive state.

I tried to get him to see a doctor about his depression and he said there isnt anything wrong with him. He isnt too smart to gamble doesnt know how.

[HrtBrkn]

Just don't go soft....if he's a lawyer he's got connections in that field and he'll automatically think he has the upper hand here. He'll try to intimidate you with that. Get yourself someone from out of town, not someone he's most likely connected to or "buddy buddy" with behind the scenes. Get yourself a pitbull, not a bassett hound. You do NOT want to spend the rest of your life working your tail off barely squeezing by while you help him pay off his debts.

Most likely, you don't even know the half of who you were married to. There will be more uncovered as time passes. For him to abruptly leave you and his children, with no means of financial support, there are other things going on here despite what he tells you at this point. Be prepared for what you may find out in the coming weeks and months.

In the meantime, turn to your girlfriends and your family for support. Don't be ashamed. You need them. And we're here too, to listen and to provide any support that we can.

Everyone is telling me to get a pitbull or a shark for a lawyer so I will take that advice. I wont go soft, I want what is right and what is due to me and my children. He cant manipulate me although he tries to. He fooled everyone, even his mom whom he saw a few times this week and she asked about us and he said we were all doing great. I spoke with her this morning and she was in shock and hurt and angry at what he has done. She offered to help me and the boys out with whatever we need, financially too after I told her that all I had was the 90 dollars that ws in the joint account.

I dont really have girlfriends bc we moved to a new place right b4 our first baby was born and I didnt know anyone here and being a full time mom there arent too many opportunites to make friends around here. I have family I can turn to and they are supportive of me and will help me out. That is why I turned to this forum, bc sometimes you just need another womans support, non family.

[WildChild]

You want a good attorney. You also want to do some digging, some detective work. If you are on his credit axxounts you can get copies of the bills. You have the info you need to get credit reports for both of you.You can go to, annual credit report dot com for free credit reports. If you are informed that there is a freeze on your information that will tell you something right there. In that case it may require a court order to get a copy of his report. There are ways of finding out where he has bank accounts too. It does sound like he has been hiding assets, with that much debt how could he afford an apt, they do background and credit checks? If there will be money due to your accident, that should be yours for your treatment and needs, not to pay off his debt.

He knows the laws, who knows what he may have set up? He may be relying on you being passive, don't tip your hand, don't tell him anything you are thinking or doing. Let him think that you are sitting around crying and wringing your hands, rather than laying the ground work to take control. Be prepared for the possiblity that he will not pay the mortgage and will let the house go into foreclosure. If he does, stay in it as long as you can but don't waste your resourses on trying to pay, you aren't in a posistion to support a house. Are your property taxes paid up and insurance? If you or the children have any health concerns get them dealt with now, get in for check ups- dental and eyes too, it's probably not legal but he may try to take you off his policy. Contact the agent for the car ins and ask that you be notified if the premium isn't paid.

Start figuring out what you are going to do to care for yourself and your children.

[WildChild]

Accordhing to Health Tree:

Long-term inhalant use can produce strong cravings and compulsive huffing. Withdrawal symptoms may develop when inhalant use is interrupted.
Other health concerns associated with long-term huffing and inhalant use include:

• apathy and stupor
• attention problems
• brain and nervous system damage
• confusion
• damage to the heart, lungs, liver and kidneys
• death by choking (from inhaling vomit)
• death by suffocation (from bagging or huffing)
• delirium
• dementia
• depression
• fatal accidents
• fetal developmental problems if the inhalant user is pregnant
• hearing and vision problems
• impaired cognitive function
• impaired judgment
• loss of coordination
• muscle weakness
• nausea and vomiting
• spasticity
• weight loss.

[HrtBrkn]

Thanks WildChild. I will check into his credit reports. He has most of those symptoms you mentioned. Its like he has no common sense in everything he does. I can tell him something one day and the next he will have completely forgotten it. He is very much in denial about his drug use bc he thinks the marijuana helps him think and he thinks that whippets only cause temporary in the moment high and no damage. I would like to force him to get his act together for his kids sake. How could I force him to go to drug rehab before he might get into something worse? He actually said smoking pot is the equivalent to my father smoking cigarettes or me drinking a cup of coffee in the morning, can you believe that? I have actually called the police when he smoked in his office downstairs with my son right next door to him in the playroom, I asked him to stop and he got mad and said if couldnt smoke in his own home he was going to leave and the pushed me and left. I called the police bc I didnt like the way he acted agressively like that and was scared. I dont know if I should use that though bc he will most likely lose his license to practice law and then he will have no income to pay child and spousal support. What do you think?

[WildChild]

The symptoms listed are related to the 'whippets' not pot.