[Moo~♥]

I love him dearly, but sometimes he is SO frustrating! He's constantly forgetting things, and ends up burning bridges for himself and making other people angry with him.

Example: John[fiancée] was supposed to do some work for his brother, and was supposed to call him about it and they were going to meet this weekend. Well, I guess he got supremely distracted because he didn't call his brother, and ended up going to his mother's instead and getting stranded without a car there. By then, though, his brother said don't bother, he'd get someone else to do it, and now he has no confidence in John, and no respect either.

I try to help him get organised, and not chide him too much, but I can only do so much! It's one thing to be a little messy, but his priorities are messed up, we're coming up on some pretty daunting IRS issues because he's let it slip, and things seem to be falling apart around here because he doesn't know what things need to be done or when to do them!!

I know I can't change him, but is there something I'm doing completely wrong? Something I can do to aid him without taking over everything? As it is I pay all the bills every month, clean, do the shopping, but yet he still doesn't seem to have any time in his day. Neither of us have a job right now, so things are really tough.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Moo

With being his "Mother" attending to everything he's not learning responsibilites and therefore nothing can change, in addition, nothing will change you will always be the "Mother" and one day your going to get sick of it.

Some people suffer from a short retention span and it sounds as if this is the case, coupled with he has no responsibilities, no job, therefore, no need to remember anything each day falls into each other, same old, same old...

Firstly, buy a Diary...and have "him" not you, write in it what has to be done on what day...I'd start by making him contribute in the house even if it is "one" thing daily and have him write it in the diary why? So that he learns to read it, every day and therefore, get a grip on remembering dates, and events.

I'd have him pay the bills with you so his mind remembers each third month for instance, the electricity bill is due...teach him...

Apart from that, he needs motivation and something to strive for, something to believe in and a goal...So find his passion and get him into a course, or if qualified get him out there looking for work, you too...Because you both need a future....not living day by day.

CW

[WildChild]

This is a great technique learned from childhood to get out of doing darned near anything. If you always bungle it, are late, get lost, forget, screw it up, people do it for you or get someone else. It is not a recipe for success in life in any arena.

How does he hold a job? How will he advance?
How long until you start finding this maddening instead of endearing?

After he leaves the baby locked in a car in the hot sun for several hours?

[oxy-moron]

Is he the youngest child in the family. Maybe he has been spoiled too much by his family while growing up. Not much you can do about that except prepare yourself to be like a mother to him.

[unsuregirl]

To think of it now, my husband used to be quite forgetful when were in college (say 19-ish)... But it has improved with time and added responsibilites..
He still forgets some of his meetings at work and sometimes forgets to bring groceries inspite of my having asked him to and other such stuff... He remembers things related to finances though as he is particular about his finances but that is about it and ya...anniversaries, b'days...these are the only things he has not forgotten as far as I remember...
I guess I never mothered him over that even if I always remember things and it eats me up sometimes that he is forgetting something important... I usually let him forget and he remembers when the time comes... sometimes its too late to make amends but then it ensures that he does not forget the next time and its getting better with time... I tried to point it out in the past but that technique did not work because that ways, he knows I am there to remind him even if I am not doing it in a nice way.
You could try that for a change... just telling/reminding him once and then telling him that he is on his own after that... Could work :-P

[Moo~♥]

Moo

With being his "Mother" attending to everything he's not learning responsibilites and therefore nothing can change, in addition, nothing will change you will always be the "Mother" and one day your going to get sick of it.

Some people suffer from a short retention span and it sounds as if this is the case, coupled with he has no responsibilities, no job, therefore, no need to remember anything each day falls into each other, same old, same old...

Firstly, buy a Diary...and have "him" not you, write in it what has to be done on what day...I'd start by making him contribute in the house even if it is "one" thing daily and have him write it in the diary why? So that he learns to read it, every day and therefore, get a grip on remembering dates, and events.

I'd have him pay the bills with you so his mind remembers each third month for instance, the electricity bill is due...teach him...

Apart from that, he needs motivation and something to strive for, something to believe in and a goal...So find his passion and get him into a course, or if qualified get him out there looking for work, you too...Because you both need a future....not living day by day.

CW

Thank you CW. I agree that he definitely has some memory problems, and he even admits it himself that he has too many things going on in his head at once, I know his pain there. He was diagnosed with ADHD early on and spent his entire school life on Ritalin, so he never learned to deal with it properly (my mother confesses that she thinks I have ADD, but never wanted me labelled with it), and he's never lived on his own, but with his father (R.I.P.) and various other room mates who took over the financial responsibilites.

I'm starting to keep a detailed budget with Spreadsheet now, so I think maybe even printing it out and putting it on a wall or fridge will help keep us both aware of what's due.

I'll definitely talk with him about the planner, be it on his laptop or on paper. I may actually set it up once on his computer to send him reminders automatically, maybe even try to sync ours together.

One question, how do I get him to help me out with the random chore without "ordering" him to do it? I ask, he says ok, but then it never gets done. Maybe I just need to keep giving gentle reminders?

Ps. My mother also had this same problem with me when I was younger, me refusing to do chores and being a rebellious child. Maybe I see my old self in him? It definitely p***es me off, to say the least, but I don't want to be his mother.

Oh (and I know, I'm being really eclectic right now), but we both have very different ideas of what "clean" is. Having worked at a cleaning company for a while, I'm very good at cleaning thoroughly, but efficiently, and he's...not. He cleans, but he'll mostly just sweep the dirt that he sees (he wears boots all of the time so he doesn't feel the dirt), or mop the main area of the floor and forget the corners. Am I just too picky? Maybe he doesn't think he'll be good enough at it so he doesn't bother? It's so hard not to whine and complain when he isn't as thorough as I am, but I know it's not proactive to a happy relationship. Do I just come to terms that I need to do the cleaning in order for it to be done the way I'd like it to?

---

This is a great technique learned from childhood to get out of doing darned near anything. If you always bungle it, are late, get lost, forget, screw it up, people do it for you or get someone else. It is not a recipe for success in life in any arena.

How does he hold a job? How will he advance?
How long until you start finding this maddening instead of endearing?

After he leaves the baby locked in a car in the hot sun for several hours?

I know he's not doing it maliciously. He's not a huge slob, just typical man-messy I suppose, but I like things cleaner (albeit a little cluttery) than most people care to bother with.

He was able to hold a job before, his most recent job lasting several years. (right now we're near Detroit so jobs are nil, and our only income is my unemployment) I don't find it endearing right now, but I'm trying to see what I can do to help him along so he CAN have a better future.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

One question, how do I get him to help me out with the random chore without "ordering" him to do it? I ask, he says ok, but then it never gets done. Maybe I just need to keep giving gentle reminders?


Let's do it this way "Hun, I'm buggered, wow, that took me forever to cook huh, glad you loved the meal, your turn...don't forget to wipe the table....appreciated...

Use suttle, physcology.


Ps. My mother also had this same problem with me when I was younger, me refusing to do chores and being a rebellious child. Maybe I see my old self in him? It definitely p***es me off, to say the least, but I don't want to be his mother.


Don't use * to go behind the profanity filters Warning for others, anyway, I think as a child, a girl, rebels, who wants to do chores seriously that's grown up stuff...I remember well..... No a man sees a woman as a "Mother" if he allows her to do it all...The key is "sharing" everything, you'll always do more but it will be appreciated, by you as well because he does things...The moment you accept doing it all,he will too..

Equality.....never expect him to be equal persay but share, responsibilities, because when you both work your going to need it....



Oh (and I know, I'm being really eclectic right now), but we both have very different ideas of what "clean" is. Having worked at a cleaning company for a while, I'm very good at cleaning thoroughly, but efficiently, and he's...not. He cleans, but he'll mostly just sweep the dirt that he sees (he wears boots all of the time so he doesn't feel the dirt), or mop the main area of the floor and forget the corners. Am I just too picky? Maybe he doesn't think he'll be good enough at it so he doesn't bother? It's so hard not to whine and complain when he isn't as thorough as I am, but I know it's not proactive to a happy relationship. Do I just come to terms that I need to do the cleaning in order for it to be done the way I'd like it to?

OCD ...You have become your Mother When I was young she was OCD, my Mother, I way wasn't I rebelled...:P Darn now I am like her, but my fiance laughs with and at me and I chase him, it's funny...He also says, stop you've done enough and just takes over, or I'll find the bed made, the washing in, because he knows I can't do it all, he appreciates....I always say, prefer a dirty .....and he'll say yep:P and we laugh...

Bottom line is, they are not cut out like us, they will help but you know the saying, no one does it better than you do...accept what he does, it's a hand that's the main thing....

[Moo~♥]

So here's another wall I'm bumping into: He has a child with his ex (now 5) and they had a very messy breakup, so long story short he gets visitations every other weekend, but she's constantly telling him it's not his weekend, and he's missed already 3 visits due to her changing her mind. Trouble is, he lost his paperwork well before I got here, so he doesn't know the actual dates. We spoke with a lawyer friend and he said to record every time she broke the regulations to bring it up in court later, but he hasn't even bothered! I keep telling him to write it down, and bought him a notebook especially for it a few months ago, and as usual he says he will, but never does it. I'm getting fed up watching him ruin his (and his son's) future like this, and I'm close to yelling and jumping down his throat!! ~sighs~

Ps. Sorry about the * thing, I forgot. x_x

[pretzel]

Can I add my .02 cents,

I can relate to some of the things here. My oldest son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was young (coupled with petit mal seizures) and getting him to do things on a daily basis really is a challenge. Some of the things we did for him and as well as for us,

Buy a big calendar and put it on the fridge. Yeah, it's not the prettiest decoration, but you know what, everyone goes to the fridge. Get into a routine that everyday when you check the mail, write down what bills came in and when they're due. Mark paydays on the calendar. Mark birthdays, anniversaries, etc. on it. And especially important, write down whe visitation days he has with his son. Since he doesn't have his paperwork, it's either this weekend or next weekend he'll have him. If he has visitation during the week, write it down. He does need to check with his ex and tell her that he wants to get back on schedule starting this weekend. If she says no, it's not your weekend, then ok you know the schedule.

[Moo~♥]

Positive Update!

Well we both just finished paying bills, I introduced him to my "system" and he's down with us doing it together. I also set up a daily chore schedule for the both of us, trading dishes every other day and breaking up the sweeping and mopping and such, so we both have an equal share and posted it up on the fridge, after checking to see that he's ok with what we each have. It'll help keep me from getting too lazy myself. I don't mind doing a bigger share of the housework since I'm picky, I just don't want to do it all. Plus he moves furniture and puts storage boxes in the basement so I think we're equal there.

Perhaps my biggest problem was not laying it down in plain terms (though I thought they were, I was wrong) and maybe, like me, he's a better visual learner than just trying to keep things in his head. My self-righteous attitude has had a big strain on our relationship along with his lack of communication, but I am pretty sure this a step in the right direction so neither of us feel jipped.

Thank you to everyone who replied here, you have helped me tremendously. I'm still very new in relationships and I have next to no clue what to expect from the other party, so expect more questions from me in the future, haha.