[stressed]

Look:

The words "I can't help to wonder if you thought about me today" ARE suspicious. You have all the right in the world to ask him about this, no matter how you found out.

HOWEVER

I don't think you will ever feel secure with this man, regardless of who is 'right' or 'wrong' here. It's a relationship, not a court case. Nobody will congratulate you for "catching" him with proof. It's you and him living together and building your lives together, not a game with a winner and a loser. Even if you are "right" you're destroying the lives of both of you with your extensive snooping. If he is "right" then you won't stop until you make him prove you right, until the next woman, the next message.

What matters the most to you? To prove you are right or to be happy with this man? Because you can't have both.

[torn2pieces]

Is that what happened? He then obtained her number and called her, texted her? Do you know that for sure?

No I don't know. I am getting weaker and weaker from this. One moment I take in all the advice and I feel better the next minute my mind is consumed and I wonder. I am so lost and as my name says so torn.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Honey that is why I wrote it....

When you snoop, you assume, when you assume you come up with a million things, and it manifests and you start freaking out, and seeing all sorts of things.....

If you can find it within yourself to realise you are beautiful and it doesn't matter is someone is a fool, cheats and loses you because it's YOUR LIFE not theirs and you WILL FIND SOMEONE else, we all do....ALWAYS...then none of this will occur for you and there is no advice needed anymore and imagine how happy you will be.

Teach yourself, it doesn't matter.

[Hopeless Dork]

In respone to : Do you think he is so shallow that this is what matters?
IF he is that shallow why would you want to be with him?
My guess that what he is drawn to has Nothing to do with ponytails or looks.[/I] [/I]

I would think look matters, so why looks shouldn't be everything, isn't that a reason for cheating. So what is your guess as to why he is drawn to her? Please tell me what your opinion is, I really need it. He and I have been doing fine, I haven't been outwardly accusing him of cheating, so what and why?

Of course looks matter to most men... but that is generally not the reason they cheat. See example tiger woods, with his drop dead gorgeous wife and some of the hoodrat material he cheated on her with. More times than not its about attention, an ego boost... some one making them feel noticed, special, smart, sexy, necessary, young, etc... or any variation therein. Some cheat simply cause they can get away with it, some do so to see if they can, the thrill of being naughty, there are so many reasons -- but generally finding someone prettier than their spouse is not the only or even main coponent to what goes on with infidelity.

I'm not trying to make you feel worried about this woman, or any woman... I'm just saying that even if she were super pretty, if he was a faithful man and in a happy loving relationship -- he'd keep it platonic. Sometimes when you set a man up for failure... and they feel like this way or that you are going to think they cheated they can figure why not? Where there is no trust, its hard to respect it.

A friend of mine, her husband digs through her things... calls her all the time when she is out, constantly worried about men hitting on her and she has admitted to me that though she never thought about cheating before... she's feeling more and more like she might as well just prove him right-- since he thinks she a sloot, she might as well be one instead of being made to feel like one all the time when she doesn't deserve to.

I'm not saying what you find in a snoop doesn't count, I'm saying... snooping all this time has never lead to anything like this and yet you still persued checking up on him -- and I'm wondering if your actions/words... beside the snooping reveal to him your lack of trust. If he's ever given you a reason to think you needed to snoop -- thats the issue that needs resolved, you're his wife not his probation officer. And you want him to feel like he's CHOSING to do the right thing, not only doing the right thing cause she'll find out about it anyway. You know what I mean?

Like his motivations should come from him... thats whats going to make you feel the most secure and loved, knowing he decides to do the right thing because he loves you and not just doing the right thing because he's worried about what his private investigator wife will find out.

I am notttt berrating you for snooping, it happens... most everyones done it... but you got to come to a point when you decide that you can't police a man into being the man you want him to be -- he is or he isn't... and his actions (the ones that tend to lend itself to snooping in the first place) usually reflect that more than anything that could be phone in a text message... so its best to look at how he treats you , how he makes you feel -- and if he's making you feel like he has something else up the road... thats what needs to be addressed more so than one sided transcribed google messages that could be misterperated.

[torn2pieces]

Of course looks matter to most men... but that is generally not the reason they cheat. See example tiger woods, with his drop dead gorgeous wife and some of the hoodrat material he cheated on her with. More times than not its about attention, an ego boost... some one making them feel noticed, special, smart, sexy, necessary, young, etc... or any variation therein. Some cheat simply cause they can get away with it, some do so to see if they can, the thrill of being naughty, there are so many reasons -- but generally finding someone prettier than their spouse is not the only or even main coponent to what goes on with infidelity.

I'm not trying to make you feel worried about this woman, or any woman... I'm just saying that even if she were super pretty, if he was a faithful man and in a happy loving relationship -- he'd keep it platonic. Sometimes when you set a man up for failure... and they feel like this way or that you are going to think they cheated they can figure why not? Where there is no trust, its hard to respect it.

A friend of mine, her husband digs through her things... calls her all the time when she is out, constantly worried about men hitting on her and she has admitted to me that though she never thought about cheating before... she's feeling more and more like she might as well just prove him right-- since he thinks she a sloot, she might as well be one instead of being made to feel like one all the time when she doesn't deserve to.

I'm not saying what you find in a snoop doesn't count, I'm saying... snooping all this time has never lead to anything like this and yet you still persued checking up on him -- and I'm wondering if your actions/words... beside the snooping reveal to him your lack of trust. If he's ever given you a reason to think you needed to snoop -- thats the issue that needs resolved, you're his wife not his probation officer. And you want him to feel like he's CHOSING to do the right thing, not only doing the right thing cause she'll find out about it anyway. You know what I mean?

Like his motivations should come from him... thats whats going to make you feel the most secure and loved, knowing he decides to do the right thing because he loves you and not just doing the right thing because he's worried about what his private investigator wife will find out.

I am notttt berrating you for snooping, it happens... most everyones done it... but you got to come to a point when you decide that you can't police a man into being the man you want him to be -- he is or he isn't... and his actions (the ones that tend to lend itself to snooping in the first place) usually reflect that more than anything that could be phone in a text message... so its best to look at how he treats you , how he makes you feel -- and if he's making you feel like he has something else up the road... thats what needs to be addressed more so than one sided transcribed google messages that could be misterperated.

Thank you for your words of Wisdom. I understand what you are saying. His attention, money, and love and cooking (lol) go in to our household. I will try to chill out especially for my peace of mind and sanity. I have not been accusatory towards him lately, as a matter of fact not too long ago he brought up an issue to me that I didn't know how to address. For his birthday I bought him a ticket to a Chicago Bulls game, so he went to Chicago (I am going to Minnesota this summer to see my cousin), we acknowledge the need for little things like this and we want to give each other time away every now and then. Well, he asked me "Why now?, two years ago I couldn't of went to Chicago with you trusting me..." . It bothered me his take on it, it's like asking someone that is sober after years of drinking "Why now?" (but I guess if it was your parent and they ruined your childhood, I could see asking "Why now?". I think my change should be accepted. He brought it to me in a very calm way, saying he wasn't trying to come down on me but he can't help to think why now. And when I explained that I was immature as far as how to be in a relationship and that even after talking to people about my actions (even the advice on here has helped me), he took it in but it seemed it wasn't what he wanted to hear. I am not sure how to answer that question. So I believe he has seen the change in me, and he knows I am not on him like in the past.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Why now?

And, the answer is I am maturing and gaining advice from this Forum, but it seemed it wasn't want he wanted to hear





Why now?


Because, I trust you.................

[Hopeless Dork]

I think the most important thing a woman can realize is her own worth.. to know what a good woman you are, to know that he'd have to be a moron to jeopordize what he has with you... and to take comfort in that. And if a seed of doubt was planted by past relationships, your parents etc... you have to tell yourself that isn't you or your current relationship... and if something goes amiss -- you'll cross that bridge when you come to it ... but wasting time and energy being stressed out over what might go wrong down the road can ruin what you have in the moment -- a self fullfilling prophecy of sorts.

I think its normal to fear being blind-sided. To be be afraid of giving over all your trust and being hit by a bus of wrong doing when you weren't looking... as if some how seeing the bus coming -- but still being fully incapable of stopping it -- would some how make it hurt less. It won't. So in other words... don't chase ghosts until they are writing your name in the mirror -- know what i mean? Sure they may be out there, lurkin about -- but until they are shaking chains in your attic there is no reason to go into panic mode.

Because really, at the end of the day... if a person wants to cheat, they will. If they want to leave a relationship, they will. And as scary as that sounds , there is a peace in it as well because you don't have to sit on the edge of your seat worrying about things going wrong, instead... enjoy the fact they are going right because whatever will be will be.

I think if you give someone your trust, give it fully... and believe in them, they are more likely to do the right thing because in the back of their mind they won't want to lose that gift. However when they don't feel trusted... what've they got to lose in doing something distrusful... they'd be in the same situation they are already in.

Like when a boss gives an employee a new important responsibility... because they feel they are capable -- that employee is way more likely to do their best with it because they want to prove to themself they are worthy of such a duty. If you give someone trust, they are much more likely to prove they deserve it, even just to themselves.

[torn2pieces]

Why now?

And, the answer is I am maturing and gaining advice from this Forum, but it seemed it wasn't want he wanted to hear





Why now?


Because, I trust you.................

Yes, I said because I trust you. But that was his question Why now do you trust me, when I never gave you a reason not to in the first place?. I also told him I realized how my actions were hurting him and our relationship.

[torn2pieces]

I am still worried. I think and reflect on the advice on here that you women have shared. I am still worried. The last couple of nights he has worked late and then worse of all, he had an Aladdin (the hotel he works at), room key in his wallet. He works at two hotels. One of them sometimes he works the security shift at night and has to be in kitchen by 5am (and it is quite a drive home) so he stays the night in the room, I never think anything of it. They even let him have a room to rest in between shifts when he pulled a double during the day and I met him in his room and it was fun and sneaky. But this circumstance I am extremly worried about, he has never needed to stay the night at Aladdin, so why would he have an Aladdin key card. I am not going to ask, but maybe in the next couple of days (if it is still there) I will have a reason to get somethign out of his wallet or something and I can then pretend I just came up on the card and then I will causally ask him. So I have done all that I should do to show him my love and confidence, I do it and hide the way I really feel. We have had great sex, I am not in to giving oral and he knows that but I have often lately, had a great night out last Friday, met up with his cousin who I love! I have been more on top of cleaning the house and kids, just making him feel like he has it good. But it kills me cause as I said before I feel like I am competing I am doing this to compete and to make sure he don't stray. Is that normal? A few weeks ago when this all happend we were going through financial difficulties and he was acting a little different, but I stepped up my game and was extra loving. So what if I wouldn't of, I'm stressed too, I'm worried too and if I hadn't had this concern of this girl I probably would not of stepped up my game, so then what? That's his excuse to flirt/cheat or whatever it may be? I'm not content with the situation. I try to take the advice and realize that if someone is going to cheat they are going to cheat no matter what and knowing ahead of time is not going to make it any better (I tell myself that over and over). But that is my thoughts and it sucks. I have to keep convincing myself not to worry about it, but then I have to say to myself, Don't care, cause if I care then I am looking to know. If I quip myself to not care then well I don't care and once I stop caring once I have to tell myself not to care, I don't see anything good coming from that. I will have to put a guard up (that I can't talk to no one about). I will be in a relationship that I don't care what he is doing, and if I don't care that's just not good. He won't have all of me at that point, and I have never been able to be in a half *** relationship, I have to give my all, it's just the way I am. I am scared we are going to end up "just together".

[torn2pieces]

[QUOTE=CHANDLERS WISH;259831Teach yourself, it doesn't matter.[/QUOTE]

Teach myself that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if he is interested in another girl? If I teach myself it doesn't matter than I have to pull out some feelings from this relationship and I don't even know how to do that, especially with someone I love so much. If it doesn't matter to me then I don't care about it, HOW? Are we suppose to not care if our SO is with someone else. Am I just suppose to keep going with a smile on my face and still be as loving? I know women do it, but I never have and I can't. It's really not suppose to matter, I have to get my mind there? If I take my mind there then he looses a part of me, and I don't want to start pulling back, we are suppose to be gaining in this relationship not loosing and pulling apart. I can put the hard hat on and not care, but that hard hat is not only going to protect what comes in but what goes out from me. I want to give my all, but it I teach myself it doesn't matter, then he won't have my all and I don't know what we are at that point.