[WildChild]

It sounds like the two of you have been circling and sniffing at this for some time.
Do you want to try to save it or are you worn out with whole thing? I think you know what you want, you are just looking for validation?
You are the one who will have to live with or without him. Either way please take steps to resolve your insecurities so that you do not spend the rest of your wonderful time in this life cycling through this.
What would make you feel secure in a relationship?
My personal take on this kind of situation is that when you feel really comfortable in your own skin and confident in who you are and what you bring to a relationship, this is cease to be an issue. I say that having been through more than one cheater and having been with more than one man who was convinced that all women cheat and put me through some real frustration. It is very difficult for someone to prove that they don't do something. When their partner is convinced that they do, they walk on eggshells all the time. Eventually it gets too hard for most people to live with and its hard on the one who convinced that if they just look hard enough or long enough, they'll prove themselves right.

Honesty is vital to a good relationship. Many people put monogamy on a pedestal but it is equally important in open relationships. You might, just to get some different perspectives, take a look at some sites for polyamoury and learn something about how people who do not hold a partner with jealousy and vows of monogamy look at relationships. This may give you some ideas on letting go of your anxiety and having a different approach. While I disagree with the idea of locking him out and packing his stuff at this time and that may be illegal anyway, decide what you want and need and sit him down and have as calm as possible discussion about it. Maybe some time apart for you both to get some clarity? If you truly believe that he has been having sex with someone else, go get tested. Now before your county sexual health services are defunded.

[Mes T]

Ooh I have to agree with the time apart suggestion WC, seems like at this point it can only be a benefit.

[Hopeless Dork]

Torn, you say you stopped mistrusting him... but you continued to snoop -- isn't that how you found the evidence you have now? I'm not saying you are wrong for snooping or passing any moral judgement on that... I've snooped on my boyfriends computer history etc.. seen what porn sites he likes -- and it poisoned me to him. The more I saw that stuff the less I felt for him -- I had to ask myself if I was going to leave him over looking at that stuff -- and if I wasn't -- I needed to quit snooping or else I was going to keep being bitter towards him until HE ended up leaving me over it.

I decided to instead focus on our relationship... if he was there for me, emotionally, sexually, etc... if he made me feel special, if he treated me with respect in front of other women etc I had no reason to snoop, I had no reason to keep doubting him. I realized that if he wasn't making me feel all of the above... its time to leave -- whether I check his history or not.

So I guess the point I am trying to make is -- if you hadn't snooped... what would your opinion be of this relationship? Does he gawk at other women around you? Does he stay out late at night and you don't know where he is? Is he emotionally or sexually distant? Were there any triggers that he pressed to make you FEEL like he was being unfaithful and you were checking to verify that?

Or had you just been checking all along... just watching and waiting for a slip? We're all human, none of us are perfect... but him saying 'goodnite baby' to another woman... doesn't sound like a mistake... it sounds like a deliberate ongoing situation that has either lead to cheating in the past or will in the future.

You want to be this loving , there for him woman... to keep him with you -- but if you've been this way all along and he still cheated -- laying it on thicker isn't going to shake him faithful -- nor will you forget what he was able to do, the promises he was able to break while smiling in your face.

I know you are hurting and confused -- who's fault this all is isn't all that relevant anymore , the point is you now have confirmed your worst fear -- had you ever stopped to think about what you'd do when you did? I'm sure you were secretly hoping nothing would ever come into question... but the reality is... you don't say the things he said to a 'friend'. You just don't... I can't think of a scenerio in which my bf would say those 'miss you baby' things to another woman that wouldn't break my heart.

You're in fight or flight mode... you don't know if you want to walk away and give this woman your man with a giant bow on top.. or if you want to kick dirt on the way out the door. Whatever you decide... know that Life is both long, and short... its long to spend it with someone that hurts you and its too short to let time pass you by when you could be spending it with someone that deserves your attention.

[torn2pieces]

Confrontation

Thank you Hopeless Dork and everyone else. We talked and in my opinion I got nothing from him. I started with, "Are you sure I am the woman you want to be with, are you happy here" he says "yes" I then ask him "Why as I laid in the same room with you did you send another girl a text "Good Night Baby". He proceeds to ask me "who, who did I send that messge to". I am not playing that with him so I say "You know,you know who". He tried it again "who, who did I". I looked at him with even more of a don't play stupid look and said "you know". He din't say much I give him a look and say "so" (as in so WTF). And he says "it's nothing, she has a man, I don't think nothing of it". Our conversation has many long silences because he isn't saying much and I maintained my compusure which I took a lot of deep breaths and thoughts to myself. Some of my points were: you called her baby that's not nothing, you sat right in the same room with me and text another girl good night baby and that hurts I am upset about that, how is she your baby, I want you to tell me more about the situation and he replies "she's just a co-worker, nothing more to it". While I make my points I don't argue every stupid thing that comes out of his mouth, cause at this point regardless of his lies I know. I ask "what is going on with you guys" he says nothing. We sit in silence and my heart is breaking. I had a few drinks which could of helped or made things better but as I planned it helped me chill and not get as biligerent as I felt like. So we sit and sit I am breathing hard, sick to my stomach and he just sits there, a few times looking at me, I look at him, but silence. He says something along the lines of "so do you have anything else about this". I say "ya, "this hurts that you call her baby, why and how is she your baby". But he don't answer and the conversation did not go any further. He went to sleep and so did I. We cuddled a little through the night. But little does he know I cuddle and hold him close because I feel like these are our last days together. Right now I can still cuddle because oddly, my anger has not hit, and I am worried when it does. This morning on my way out he says "we'll talk more tonight". I am hopeing to hear more from him tonight. As I told my cousin his reaction was going to have a lot to do with the way I proceed and my decision and right now his reaction is negative as I said I basically got NOTHING.

[mymirrose]

Torn, I am proud of you (hope that doesn't sound condescending?) but you handled your self well. You didn't let him turn it around on you and make you defensive. Keep up the good work!

[torn2pieces]

Torn, I am proud of you (hope that doesn't sound condescending?) but you handled your self well. You didn't let him turn it around on you and make you defensive. Keep up the good work!

Not condescending, thanks. My cousin coached me through my approach. I didn't say anything along the lines of "I looked in your phone and..." I just started asking him about it. So I didn't leave room or open the door for that.

He calls her alot, I know he has feelings for her. I am dying inside.

[Guest]

You're dying inside because you have your spoon in the poison and you are continuing to consume it (IMO).

This man is TOXIC. He IS NOT the man that you thought he was and he continues to down play the significance of some of his actions.

It's time for you to go or time for you to kick him out (be sure to change the locks).

I am sorry to have to be so direct and even a bit harsh too. I was married to a cheater, have two beautiful children with her, forgave her for cheating on me twice before, was willing to do ANYTHING in my power to keep the marriage and family together. Unfortunately, I came to the realization that she was not. She ended up marrying cheat3, as I call him, was given custody of our children and he sees/saw them more then I was allowed to (according to our visitation agreement spewed out by the "family" court).

The point is, that you can't begin to work through everything that is going on in your mind and ultimately begin the healing process until you stop poisoning yourself with him.

No matter what he says or does at this point, what's done is done, he can't take it back and he is not willing to try and 'make it better'.

It is time for you, IMO, to make some serious and dramatic changes to the life you've known or thought you knew. The first step is to remove yourself from his presence or remove him from yours. Then and only then can things start to move forward on the road to a happier, heathier you.

It's awful! I know! I lost the daily physical presence of my children too, but I had to take that first step, as you do, for ALL of us.

Ask that wonderful cousin of yours to help you with it.

This is the right thing to do...you know deep down that it is...

[torn2pieces]

You're dying inside because you have your spoon in the poison and you are continuing to consume it (IMO).

This man is TOXIC. He IS NOT the man that you thought he was and he continues to down play the significance of some of his actions.

It's time for you to go or time for you to kick him out (be sure to change the locks).

I am sorry to have to be so direct and even a bit harsh too. I was married to a cheater, have two beautiful children with her, forgave her for cheating on me twice before, was willing to do ANYTHING in my power to keep the marriage and family together. Unfortunately, I came to the realization that she was not. She ended up marrying cheat3, as I call him, was given custody of our children and he sees/saw them more then I was allowed to (according to our visitation agreement spewed out by the "family" court).

The point is, that you can't begin to work through everything that is going on in your mind and ultimately begin the healing process until you stop poisoning yourself with him.

No matter what he says or does at this point, what's done is done, he can't take it back and he is not willing to try and 'make it better'.

It is time for you, IMO, to make some serious and dramatic changes to the life you've known or thought you knew. The first step is to remove yourself from his presence or remove him from yours. Then and only then can things start to move forward on the road to a happier, heathier you.

It's awful! I know! I lost the daily physical presence of my children too, but I had to take that first step, as you do, for ALL of us.

Ask that wonderful cousin of yours to help you with it.

This is the right thing to do...you know deep down that it is...

I see why you hold that point of view. I am sorry about the loss of seeing your kids. No he's not trying to make it better and did not give me an explanation and I felt didn't acknowledge me being broken, and I don't know if he will tonight in Part 2 of our conversation. I do forsee this ending. His reaction was so careless.

[WildChild]

Take what your cousin suggested and tweek it. This came from a book that recommended a few times. Don't tell him what you know or guess or think. Just tell him calmly that you "know" what he's been doing and that what happens with your relationship will depend on his being truthful with you. Don't prompt, don't hint, don't say I know texted this or called then. Just," I know what you've been doing and you need to tell me the truth or there till be no saving this relationship". Then shut up. If he says yes hes been texting her and said blah, blah (you already told him you knew that) just say, "and?" and shut up again.

Be prepared, you may hear some things you didn't expect. If you lose it, you blow the whole thing. You have to balance everything in your mind, keep in mind that you have had a predisposition to think that all men cheat but some the details you have provided more recently do look pretty suspicious. Once he says what he is willing to say. Don't flip out, if you feel there is more, just say, " let me know when you are really ready to talk". This isn't making any accusations but if he knows he hasn't come clean then he knows you aren't accepting it. It also keeps you in a power position and gives you time to think and digest what he has told you. Follow your heart but use your mind. Keep yourself clear.

If someone isn't clear that they want to be with you and aren't willing or able to be honest, you don't want them in your life.

Not everyone is cut out for monogamy, many people are mature enough to recognize that but know they do want one person to be the primary partner in their life, they work out an open relationship that works for them. That requires absolute honesty. Not many people have the understanding to accept this. I have a feeling that this not something you would be ready to do and that he isn't honest enough to make that agreement and keep it safely and well.

You need to do what is right for you and will allow you the greatest happiness and growth in your life journey.

[torn2pieces]

Take what your cousin suggested and tweek it. This came from a book that recommended a few times. Don't tell him what you know or guess or think. Just tell him calmly that you "know" what he's been doing and that what happens with your relationship will depend on his being truthful with you. Don't prompt, don't hint, don't say I know texted this or called then. Just," I know what you've been doing and you need to tell me the truth or there till be no saving this relationship". Then shut up. If he says yes hes been texting her and said blah, blah (you already told him you knew that) just say, "and?" and shut up again.

Be prepared, you may hear some things you didn't expect. If you lose it, you blow the whole thing. You have to balance everything in your mind, keep in mind that you have had a predisposition to think that all men cheat but some the details you have provided more recently do look pretty suspicious. Once he says what he is willing to say. Don't flip out, if you feel there is more, just say, " let me know when you are really ready to talk". This isn't making any accusations but if he knows he hasn't come clean then he knows you aren't accepting it. It also keeps you in a power position and gives you time to think and digest what he has told you. Follow your heart but use your mind. Keep yourself clear.

If someone isn't clear that they want to be with you and aren't willing or able to be honest, you don't want them in your life.

Not everyone is cut out for monogamy, many people are mature enough to recognize that but know they do want one person to be the primary partner in their life, they work out an open relationship that works for them. That requires absolute honesty. Not many people have the understanding to accept this. I have a feeling that this not something you would be ready to do and that he isn't honest enough to make that agreement and keep it safely and well.

You need to do what is right for you and will allow you the greatest happiness and growth in your life journey.

Ok thanks. I will try that. No I would never be in an open relationship. And I am so close, so close to not believing in following your heart. Following my heart has always got it broken, I will follow my mind. My heart loves him, my heart wants to give him love and I desire him, even with my brokenheart, he could mend it, not that he is trying. So my heart has no say in this anymore. When he looks at me and tells me there is nothing else to say, do I just say goodbye, walkout and end it? I somewhat regret the text I just sent him it said "Do you care about how your and her's relationship hurts me? Do you know the depth of hurt I feel? It didn't seem like it last night" -- that text was just an outcry of mine which I am trying to keep inside and not do.

Why is he not trying to make it better? I thought I was his "girl", I thought we had one anothers back, I thought we would never let anything happen to each other, but he is putting me through , and we usually go through together (as in bills, cars breaking, unexpected , death in the family, kids acting up, kids need braces, sick kids, losing jobs) and we do it together, leaning on each other, giving comfort to one another, but now it's just me going through this with no support from my one time side kick.