[JustDon'tUnderstand]

I have discovered that my husband of 12 years has been spending time online looking at porn after I go to bed at night. I did not mean to find it and I was not spying or anything. I had to shut off the computer since looking at the list of sites and pop-ups was making me sick to my stomach.

I confronted him about it and all he could come up with is "It's just porn."

We have a two year old and I am 4 months pregnant. He knows how much I am against porn but he doesn't see anything wrong with it. He says he needs to "get off".
I feel so disgusted and I can not stand the thought of him thinking about stuff he has seen online while we are together. I don;t even want him to touch me becasue I know he is not thinking about me.

I am not pretty and I am pregnant, which explains some of it but there is really nothing I can do to lose weight right now since I do not want to do anything to hurt the baby. And I can not afford pastic surgery to look like the girls he watches on line.

I feel hurt and used and horrible. And he thinks there is something wrong with me in that I don't like porn and that it has always been hard for me to have sex. He thinks that I should go to counceling since, according to him, I am the one with the problem.

He says he loves me and that he does not think about other girls when we are together but at this point I do not know what to believe. It's like I can't trust him anymore.

How can I live through this without him leaving me for someone more pretty and who likes to do all the things he sees on line? Do I just have to "deal with it" and try to forget? Is this just something that guys do and we have a live with it? I don;t want to spend the rest of my life feeling ugly and hurt.

[Guest]

Just as you are going through a very emotional time, he too is having an emotional and sexual issue. DO NOT FEEL UGLY. You are pregnant and beautiful. Just because he is looking at porn does not make him think or want to cheat. It also doesn't make him think of that when he is having sex with you. Make time to talk about this issue in depth. Ask him direct questions. Am I unattractive to you now? Do You want to have sex more often than we are having it? Do you have an issue with having sex with me pregnant? Also tell him exactly how you feel. Then make compromises. Suggest other sexual options that keep his focus on you. Get in touch with your sexual side and try to express what you want from him during this delicate time of pregnancy. It is hard and I'm sure your energy and libido is down, but there has to be compromises. Suggest that he rub your back before bed and then you can see where that leads sexually. Keep your mind open and ask him to be patient. There are so many sexual and emotional compromises that will satisfy both of you. Discuss them in detail and implement them in your relationship. Don't give up. And you are NOT UGLY!

[pretzel]

Just as you are going through a very emotional time, he too is having an emotional and sexual issue. DO NOT FEEL UGLY. You are pregnant and beautiful. Just because he is looking at porn does not make him think or want to cheat. It also doesn't make him think of that when he is having sex with you. Make time to talk about this issue in depth. Ask him direct questions. Am I unattractive to you now? Do You want to have sex more often than we are having it? Do you have an issue with having sex with me pregnant? Also tell him exactly how you feel. Then make compromises. Suggest other sexual options that keep his focus on you. Get in touch with your sexual side and try to express what you want from him during this delicate time of pregnancy. It is hard and I'm sure your energy and libido is down, but there has to be compromises. Suggest that he rub your back before bed and then you can see where that leads sexually. Keep your mind open and ask him to be patient. There are so many sexual and emotional compromises that will satisfy both of you. Discuss them in detail and implement them in your relationship. Don't give up. And you are NOT UGLY!

Spot on first post. Couldn't agree more.

[jns]

I've always thought that women are more beautiful when pregnant because of the changes it causes. I agree with Pheromone Real Guy. Sex when the SO is pregnant is hot.

[Mes T]

I can understand your reaction, a lot of women hate the idea of porn - it makes them feel inferior because the women in porn videos all have saucer-like boobs and smooth tanned bodies and whatever... And then we look in the mirror and think, hang on a minute, if my partner is wanking off to THOSE kinds of women, then how does he feel about my love handles and tan lines and freckles???

If you see if from a man's point of view, though, watching porn means nothing, it's just a way to quickly jerk off. That can be hard for us women to understand... but... It's just a different way of seeing the situation. Just because YOU are now thinking you're ugly doesn't mean that your PARTNER has thoughts anywhere near that.

It sounds like you guys are having a hard time discussing this calmly, and I bet neither of your points of views are really getting across.

If anyone's going to counseling I think it'd better be both of you, together. Just at least to have a space to express yourselves to each other, get everything off your chests, with someone professional sitting there helping you guys to express your comments in an effective manner.

[rcoreyus]

I think the real question is whether he is watching porn RATHER than having sex with you: does he turn you down for sex and then watch porn? If not, then he just wants more sex than you do at this time and he is taking care of his extra sex drive by masturbating to porn. If he does turn you down and then watch porn, there is a more serious problem.

[kristalyn_04]

I agree with what others have said, and just wanted to add that there is nothing more beautiful than a pregnant woman.

[evilgothicjenn]

If it tears you apart as much as it does for my crazy ss, get rid of the computer. Block the sites. Set a "time-access" on the internet. Do away with the internet. If he can't be an adult and respect your wishes, why should you be an adult and trust him?? I don't care if I'm irrational. I don't care if I'm nuts. I don't care how my man sees it, it WILL NOT HAPPEN. Unless it's watched with me... I've made that agreement atleast. But I still hate it. This might interest you... I loved the show.

[JustDon'tUnderstand]

Thank you everyone for the suggestions and support. Although he still does not think there is anything wrong with looking at other women having sex, he as agreed not to look at it in our home anymore. He says that he does not want to see me this upset. I guess that is astep in the right direction.
I reminded him that when we were married he promised to, in so many words, only want to see/be with me.
Our agreement on not looking at it at home is working so far, but he says that he still might look at it on business trips for a quick way to "relieve tension". As I have no way of controlling things when he is away, I made him promise that if he HAD to, then it would be something not totally horrible and as tasteful as possible. (If that is possible in the porn world).
Am I going in the right direction or should I insist that he leave that stuff alone all the time?

[spurzzz]

It is good that your partner is honest in telling you he may look at porn away from the home, at least he is not lying about it and looking at it behind your back....

Porn can become a big addiction and a bigger obsession if one is not careful. Porn definately distorts the way we percieve sex today in a big way and I fail to see how degrading women {most do} can be a good healthy stimulus for people.

Did your partner watch porn before or only during the pregnancy? As a couple, you should make an effort to satisfy each other in every area and that means taking the time together to learn how to have intercourse during pregnancy and so forth....

Making demands is never a good thing and shouldn't be done in a relationship unless absolutely necessary. In this situation, if him watching porn is effecting his love for you or your sex life then it becomes a problem......if he is doing it out of the house then you may have to let him get on with it - it's his life.

On a side note, please don't let anyone tell you what you should think. If you don't like porn then that is you. Your partner should respect you and your wishes first and foremost not tell you that you need counselling and help.....that is childish and out of order on his part. And don't ever let us at WH hear you say your not pretty again.......you may feel it but you are in every sense of the word, for pregnancy is the most beautiful thing in the world is it not