[wendilee]

i have been tested for STD's. i have not slept with him since before christmas.
the points you make are very valid, this is not a recent thing for me. i have been living it for 1 1/2 years. and in that time he never was there emotionally, he just let things go right back where they were, and i am no longer happy with that. nor have i been for some time. i feel as if he should have been giving me 150% and instead i was getting the usual 40%. his lying and his actions have pushed me so far away from him that i cant even stand to be around him at all. there is still alot of pain involved, and he constantly does things to hurt me. Last night he took our child, my stepson and HER to dinner. to the restaurant we met at, to the place he asked me to marry him, to the place that every year on the day we started dating we go to celebrate.
i have asked him to leave the house. i refuse to let him continue to hurt me. it is time for me to be completely released from him. and i know its the right decision. he is a very selfish man, and will never be able to really love someone because he doesnt love himself. he is a very angry hateful person. im better off without him and his constant banter. i am very sad for him. I loved him with my whole heart, and i have always been there for him, but he could never give any of that back to me. and yet i still feel like a failure.

[caterpillar79]

i have been tested for STD's.

Glad you did. Are you all clear? I hope you are. (You don't have to answer).

i have not slept with him since before Christmas.
the points you make are very valid, this is not a recent thing for me. i have been living it for 1 1/2 years. and in that time he never was there emotionally, he just let things go right back where they were, and i am no longer happy with that. nor have i been for some time. i feel as if he should have been giving me 150% and instead i was getting the usual 40%. his lying and his actions have pushed me so far away from him that i cant even stand to be around him at all. there is still a lot of pain involved, and he constantly does things to hurt me.

I believe you have tried to communicate all these things to him and he never did anything. He does not care about you enough to consider your feelings into account with whatever decision or action he does. I'm guessing that he has moved on earlier in your relationship. He'd rather have that girl on the side than rebuild your trust - what a sick man!

In every failed marriage though, there are two parties to blame. Not that you want to come righteous or that I want to blame you, but both of you are responsible for this. However, it is not enough reason to justify what he did to you already, and continue to do. Did he ever tell you what (could have) pushed him to do this (again, not to justify his actions)? It is just to measure if he does make a point, so that you will also learn from it.

Last night he took our child, my stepson and HER to dinner. to the restaurant we met at, to the place he asked me to marry him, to the place that every year on the day we started dating we go to celebrate.
i have asked him to leave the house. i refuse to let him continue to hurt me. it is time for me to be completely released from him. and i know its the right decision. he is a very selfish man, and will never be able to really love someone because he doesnt love himself. he is a very angry hateful person. I'm better off without him and his constant banter. i am very sad for him.

Have you talked about or considered filing for separation/divorce? How will you support yourself and your kids? Do you have family close by to support you? Friends? Have you talked to your counselor about this? Also, at this point, you should be consulting with a family law lawyer so you can learn about your options.

I loved him with my whole heart, and i have always been there for him, but he could never give any of that back to me. and yet i still feel like a failure.

You are not a failure, darling. Do not say that. Yes, you do have a part in this, but that does not negate you as a wife, as a person, as a woman. You did your part. You tried...yet failed, stumbled on this. Get up. Move on. You are strong. Talk to your counselor about moving on without him in your life. Find a new hobby to pursue. Read more - there are a lot of self-help books that can help you. And mostly, stay on here with us. You can learn from others at the same time share your knowledge, experiences and wisdom gained from them. *hugs*

[Crystalblue]

You don't seem like a failure in my mind at all! You tried to rebuild your marriage for a year and a half, putting your pain aside for the love you once shared. The fact that he couldn't do the same makes him the failure. You were just strong enough to take him for what he was and move on with your life. To me, that says you haven't given up on yourself which is great. I wish you all the best moving on from this & hope you make good progress on your way back to happiness.

[Guest]

In my past 2 marriages, same thing happened. I left asap. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I know it's tough and a gut wrencher to do, but you have to respect yourself enough to drop a loser. I went through it twice and it's a living nightmare, but you can make it through this. Get support from family and friends and tackle this thing head on. Don't get mad, get even by channelling all that angry, frustration and resentment into something positive that you know will only help you in the long run.
He Stayed in bed for 2 days? I think I would catch him at work and change all the locks on the house while he was gone, change the garage door openers too. Leave his tail out in the cold like he left you out in the cold. Change the bank accounts too, open your own without his name on it. Empty the joint account and take your name off of it. I've been through all of this before- if need be, get the Police involved to kick him out. Might get a restraining order too, depending upon where you live.
Just my opinion~

[wendilee]

thank you all for your encouraging words. i did alot of soul searching when this happened the first time, and thought ma b if im more affectionate, ma b if im more attentive, but after months of giving giving giving i didnt have any more to give. as i do not now. i def know that the blame is 50/50. that is y i tried so hard after he cheated the first time. but like i said earlier, he was fine the way things were and i needed more. told him over and over that i was unhappy, that i couldnt keep living like that. told him i needed more help from him. told him i was losing my best friend and it was killing me. when i felt as if none of that mattered to him, i stopped, and he didnt even notice. he didnt notice anything until i sat down with him and told him that our marriage was over, he said he was shocked. i will never understand how that shocked him when i had been telling him for months how unhappy i was. we have already signed papers stating that we are not living as a married couple, divorce is the next step.
i have a very good job with the local school system here and can afford to take care of myself. I opened my own bank acct last month. i took half of what was in the joint acct and put it in my own. he has not had me removed from his though, so i still have access to the money. My car is in my own name. we do not have any bills together. the only thing is the lease on the place we are staying, and if he leaves he violates that lease. my mother will make sure i get into a new place that i can afford on my own, and i have alot of friends and family right here with me supporting me. ive been told over and over by them that i already seem like a much happier person. not the zombie that has been walking around for the past year n a half. so i must be doing something right.
i dont need a restraining order, he will stay away from me when he leaves, i know him well enough to know that he won't be able to look at me. he is at home as we speak laying in the bed crying. asking me why i did this to him. while i am at work, doing just fine. i know i dont have to see him or spend any time with him at all. and 2 weeks will go by quickly, then i can finally move on.
i am going to continue to hold my head up high, smile my biggest smile, and let the world know that i am going to be ok.
it has been so nice being able to come on here and talk to people who understand. thank you all for the encouragement.

[Crystalblue]

It sounds like moving on and making yourself happy really is the best revenge.

[Guest]

"Why you did this to him??" Aaaahhhuuummmmm, Okay then- So his actions had nothing to do with this? You are SOOO much better off without him. He will never understand it- he's the one that lost you, you didn't lose him. He went outside the bounds of a proper marriage and left you emotionally on your own. If ever a man needed a kick in the pants...
Yes, you are definately much better off now! Keep that head up high and that Bright Smile on, you are well on your way to a happy time in your life! I'm so glad to hear the Great news from you! Keep it up!

[caterpillar79]

Wendilee, I'm happy to hear you are set-up on moving on. It will be a roller-coaster ride from here. Take it one day at a time. If you could, continue with your counseling as healing takes a bit more time.

You may write a long letter to answer his "why did you do this to me?" question - as if he didn't have anything to do with it. Write him a heartfelt letter, not explaining why - but how you feel when he did a - b - c or d, until it came to this point of you moving on with your life without him. You may also add, he needs counseling. Let's say this is your way of closer. You can burn it, or leave it for him to read - your choice.

[pf2011]

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19] People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's p art in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!! If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...... LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to past hurts and pains. LET IT GO!!! If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth..... LET IT GO!!! If someone has angered you........ LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...... LET IT GO!!! If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...... LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents. LET IT GO!!! If you have a bad attitude....... LET IT GO!!! If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...... LET IT GO!!! If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him...... LET IT GO!!! If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship...... . LET IT GO!!! If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...... LET IT GO!!! If you're feeling depressed and stressed ....... LET IT GO!!! If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to...... LET IT GO!!! Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2011!!! LET IT GO!!! Get Right or Get Left. think about it, and then.... LET IT GO!!! "The Battle is the Lord's!" Thought it would help :-)

[wendilee]

pf2011, i am so trying to let it go. after a very long discussion last night, i think, hope, that i finally got through to him how much i was hurting (im very good at hiding my emotions)
he is going to move out and i am going to move on. i told him that he is not to come to my home uninvited, and that we would not have any more discussions concerning our marriage. he will be allowed to see our son whenever he so chooses, that will be up to him. he is going to pay for child care this summer and that will cover child support for now.
if in 6 months when my lease is up and it is time to move, we have not found each other again (i do so love him with all my heart, just too much hurt right now) then we will file for divorce and visitation. i need the time away from him, he clouds my mind when i am with him.
your words did help alot. he knows he was a fool, and that he ruined every sanctity of our marriage, when he did what he did. he said he will live with that forever. knowing that he destroyed the best thing to ever happen to him is the hardest thing he has ever accepted. i am glad that he can accept that.
i sure didnt think that at 38 i would be starting my life again. its alot scarier this time.