[LittleAdventures]

I'm really in need of some honest and deeply thought out responses. Though we are not married on paper we are very much like married couple who share everything together or in other words we are fresh out of college and broke and can't afford a proper wedding. We have been together for ~6 years, since my junior & his senior year in high school but I've known him for a decade longer.

Here's the problem, he views sex as an activity you do just like watching a movie or poker night with the guys, something that's fun but you don't necessarily have an emotional attachment towards. We talk about absolutely everything and 2 years into our relationship he brought the topic up casually over the years, I suppose this stems from us being our 'firsts' and 'only'. To be fair he even says I could do so with other guys and that he'd have no problem with it, though I have zero desire to do so.

I don't want to be ripped apart by you ladies but am I crazy to even consider allowing him to do so? The thought of him embracing and kissing another woman freaks me out a little, yet I could imagine myself having guilt-free non-attachment sex with another man and not give two (edit) about what just happened. We have a rock solid relationship and I know emotional cheating won't be an issue because we both know we will never be in a more fulfilling & selfless relationship than ours, but something inside of me screams allowing him to do so is not normal...

[LittleAdventures]

apologies for the swear word in advance, I tired to edit it to say two hoots but it would not allow me to change it

[LanaBear]

Many people have open relationships, however, it is usually a mutual decision. Some people make it work and have no problems with it, some people do it and it is the end all to their relationship. What seemed like a good idea at the time, wasn't.

Just from your post, you sound very hesitant and I get the idea that jealousy may be an issue eventually.

Does he have an idea of "who" he wants to have sex with? Would you be going to a swingers club?

If you decide to agree with this, make sure there are rules and boundaries set in advance. Condoms, kissing, oral, etc...? Make sure you have limits that you trust each other to follow.

[Ashlee T.]

Welcome to WH!! We're not here to judge you. We're here to provide support and help. The disclaimer for that is that sometimes our advice may not be what you necessarily want to hear but we are a very honest group of women (and men!) and believe that honesty is more helpful than any sugar coating we could do. So here goes:

There are couples that have open relationships. This set up apparently "works" for a select few because that's what people say, but I have truly never met a couple that survived it. I have, however, met many who believed their relationship was the kind that could survive it, then later things turned upside down, totally backfired, and ended up ruining the relationship. I would worry less about what is normal, and more about what your gut is telling you. What is your gut instinct telling you?

Look deep within yourself....and imagine him, the man you love, with another female, imagine their bodies meshed together, the heat, the passion, the intimacy, imaging him tasting her, imagine what positions they might use, imagine what her body looks like naked.........will he choose someone like you or will she have a firmer toosh and bigger breasts? Imagine her legs wrapped around him. Imagine what he might say to her. Imagine what she might say to him. Imagine the moment right after climax in which they are looking into each others eyes.

Now, I say that not to upset you, but to paint a picture. If you paint that picture in your mind and it doesn't bother you, won't cause jealousy issues for you, won't cause you to feel like he's thinking of them when he's with you, etc.......... then perhaps it's something to consider. He needs to do the same, paint the same picture in his mind and decide how that makes him feel. What people SAY and what is reality is often very different. You hear alot of people say "Well, I thought I wouldn't care but it turns out I do......".

Me personally, I could never do this. Painting that picture in my own mind makes me angry...makes my heart hurt...so I know that it's just not something I could do.

[Guest]

No offense, but you don't sound stable enough to even begin to think of opening a door that can never be closed.

I don't mean mentally stable, I mean stable in your relationship...either one of you.

Seems like there are many other things you might be able to do to increase the 'excitement' of sex between you.

Have either of you ever visited a swingers club? or resort? My SO and I have and while we didn't 'share' each other with anyone else, there was something about sharing acts of intimacy in front of others that was exciting...

Perhaps you can explore other or unique ways of putting some excitement into your intimacy.

[CBCarebear]

my husband of 2 years (together 9) is identical. Literally, everything you said is identical, well mostly. The only difference is that he wanted a threesome. He doesn't want other chicks, he wants me with other people, even men! It's a hard thing to imagine for me, but for a while we went to these swingers clubs.. they were fun. We only were with each other, and even though we got an offer once, I shut it down. I realized I wasn't comfortable. We didn't go back.
Now, we have realized just due to a recent event that neither of us really were as open as we shoudl have been with the other. I do not judge you at all, and if someone said this stuff to me a year ago, I woudl have said that we trust each other totally, and I can imagine having an open relationship or swinging - but until you're there, in the club or standing there with a guy, you'll never know if you can or not. You'll know if you should do this or if it will hurt your relationship. I'm glad we never did - because we had issues I didn't know we had. Trust your instincts... they are the only thing that can really give you answers.
Good luck.

[rcoreyus]

Welcome to the forum.

Open relationships work for some couples, but I think they are a disaster for most. (this is in no way a moral judgment - just what I've observed).

I don't think he is being unreasonable by asking. I don't think you are being unreasonable by saying no. It seems that sex means something different to each of you.

So, what to do: You need to decide if you could be happy in a relationship where he is sleeping with other women. From what you have said, I think the answer is probably no, but you should think about it carefully. If the answer is no, then you need to tell him, and he needs to think about whether he can be happy in a relationship where he only has sex with you. Again he should think about it carefully. If he answer is no, then all you can do is to part on friendly terms.

I don't think there is any right or wrong - different people want different things from relationships. What you want is much more common - but that doesn't matter. If you can both be happy with the agreement then you should stay together. If one of you will be unhappy with either decision then you should break up.

[oxy-moron]

You both got together young and this could mean that he hadn't enough time to sew his oats as it were.
It doesnt sound like you are suited to that type of relationship either. Even if he stands back from the idea now he might well revisit the idea in 10 or 20 years time.
It sounds like he is not a strong bonding person as well.

[JoeyB]

Of course every guy in the world wants to sleep around but still have that base relationship to come back to. As others have said, open relationships don't work. If he is asking for this now, unless you cave, he will more than likely be chaeting on you 20 years down the road. Dump him.

[LittleAdventures]

Thanks for the much appreciated advice I could never discuss this with my girlfriends..

Soo today after work I casually brought the topic up and told him I didn't feel entirely comfortable on this idea and etc, etc.. I guess it wasn't a big deal as I made it out to be because he gave me a hug and assured me that it was not the ordeal I made it out to be since the last thing he wants is to hurt me.

Lanabear - I've told him i would only feel comfortable with one night stands where he would not have any more contact with the girl. Due to his job he's very well connected to the night scene with plenty of tourists (we live in Hawaii).. Hah I think you read me well, I do have a jealous & possessive side to me but I feel so secure with him that a lot of that has been tamed. I don't restrict him from going out with the buds and having a good time a few times a night, in fact he always invites me but half of the time i'd rather be hanging out with the gals

Beautiful Disaster - Imagining that makes me feel a bit sick... I can see myself not wanting to touch him after the fact...

Seeker - no offense taken, no one can truly know whats inside a relationship than the 2 people involved so I won't go on defending the stability of ours. We haven't visited a swingers club but I can already see myself not wanting to be involved... it's not something im interested in..

Carebear - Haha, funny thing.. it would be my bf's dream to see me have a three some with 2 other chicks, so much that i'd think he'd insta kill over. We haven't been to a swingers club but my instincts already know the answer

rocreyus - Thank you for the advice, I already told him i wouldn't be 100% comfortable with him having sex with another woman, their wasn't a hint of disappointment and he didn't look upset in the least, in fact we ended up having a nice evening at dinner

oxy-moron - I agree we were both way too young to enter a serious relationship but I have told him in the past if he feels in anyway that he will regret not living his youthful, wild, and carefree days we should take a break, i've even asked him many many times if he will ever wonder what its like to have sex with another woman and he's always said sex with another girl is just sex, but it's amazing with you and he'd probably end up thinking about me in the end. If he wants to revisit this idea 10-20 years down the line then I suppose so be it, we may not be the same people in the future..