[survivor]

I've never done this before, so please bear with me. My husband has been having an emotional affair with a co-worker since March of this year.... they started out just talking at work (by phone) and then it slowly progressed to calls at night, texts, emails. My husband and I have been together for 14 years - no, it hasn't been perfect, as all marriages, we had reached a point in our life where we took each other for granted and it became boring. So this woman filled his emotional needs - when I wasnt. Let me just add tho that this "woman" is a predator in her company... my husband is not the first nor will he be the last manager that she goes after..... I'm not making excuses for my husband, BUT when I woman pursues a married man as she did - it makes her a predator (side note: she's married to) anyways, he was carrying on this emotional affair and life for us was slowly getting worse - april - June was a disaster - he was picking fights, etc,, he moved out 6/13/11 "to think" and he slept with "her" 6/17/11. He moved home july 2nd - I found out about the sex part July 11th - my world ended... Why I asked Why? he said as far as the sex - he thought it was the next step.... he didn't really want to, but he wasn't getting it from me, she was willing and I was always accusing him anyways, so he did it.... July 13th we decided to work on this marriage. he's cut all ties with this woman - it took 2 weeks and several vulgar words to get her out of his life from both him and me, but it's been 3 weeks and nothing. He is trying so hard to make me feel #1 - i really give him credit for his hard work, BUT I can't seem to forget... she is always on my mind - and it ticks me off because she's controlling me. I go to therapy and he will eventually go with me also. I need to know how other woman/men get over this overwhelming feeling.. i feel myself constantly comparing myself to her, and what they did, etc, etc etc... help me

[CHANDLERS WISH]

She's controlling you because you are letting her.

Certainly, she couldn't have been happy in her relationship either, and obviously has a tendancy to go for men with power, ie) Management... She would have done this many a time from the sounds of it and really, she doesn't care, she will take what she wants.

Your husband was wanting "something" in his life, something to make him laugh, be happy, smile...I'm sorry he ended up straying and I'm sorry he has done the "blame game" on you for it happening, weak moment, who cares, we fight anyway, I don't get sex anyway...

The thing is, do NOT let her control you? He is still with you, she lost...

Keep going to councelling and work on how to both be laughing, happy and intimate with each other, go backwards to when you both first met.

Both are crying inside, you and him.

[oxy-moron]

To some extent she just slipped into a crack that you left in your relationship.
If your relationship is not bonded and there is no intimate behaviour it is a lot more vulnerable to problems like this.
I know you dont trust him or particularly like him at the moment but it might pay to work on getting the physical intimacy or at least the cuddling side of your relationship back in order as soon as you can.

[stressed]

Is it true what he said about you not being interested in sex? Of course it doesn't justify what he did, but if it's true I wonder how long it had been like that.

Also, such 'predators' exist only because 'victims' exist. Your husband allowed her to go that far, he played along, he wasn't threatened to go for it, it was his choice.

This feeling will get better with time, but you have to think if this marriage is good for both of you.

[survivor]

i hear what you are saying and it's not that my husband and I never had sex, we did, just not as often as he wanted and yes, I do take 1/2 blame in our relationship becoming stale, boring, etc... we both did... what happened happened, i can't change it.. i can only move forward and we are working on establishing intimacy again in our relationship and I would have to say its going well.. the honesty we have is tremendous and his understanding of how this is all effecting me is great... and understand that i am allowing her to "control" me and it sucks... but how do you just let go of the hurt and trust again? how do you give 100% of yourself and love etc and trust him to do the same... He regrets deeply everything that has happened, i mean the day he did "the deed" was not even spectacular he said... he said he was so overwhelmed with guilt it barely worked and boy did it tick her off.. which of course makes me feel good.. so i know his heart is with me... i need to let go, i know it will be one month since i found out... i don't want to rush it, but I also don't want to hold back in fear of him leaving again.... aughhhhhhh confusion

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The relationship you had when you first met, is the relationship you have.

Nearly, every single couple, forget what it takes to make a relationship work, they "love" their partner but neglect them, both parties and eventually it gets questioned or there is pain, or there is anger and one person in-advertedly attempts to feel "good" for once... A woman for instance is more loyal in a marriage in most cases but even her, if she feels un-loved, neglected, just living day by day, or in a love-less marriage it doesn't stop her thoughts, her wandering eye, her what if's and eventually, she leaves.

We are human..

Men were taught I believe, to have their cake and eat it until they find the one that they want to spend the rest of their life with, go out and enjoy yourself, don't be responsible and we were taught to be ladies.

If someone had cake, and then was no longer allowed to have it, wouldn't it mean that they have to have, a substitute to never miss it? I think so.

So, view it as all of the above, pretty much a reality, it takes the strongest bonds and no crying hearts, to be totally faithful or belief... We are human.

What you have is a good solid foundation, you were building it, then you let it (both of you), go to ruin, but fortunately, you can pick the bricks up and now built it higher.

[jns]

i hear what you are saying and it's not that my husband and I never had sex, we did, just not as often as he wanted...

How often did he want sex and how often did you two have sex? Men have sex for love and bonding as well as just sex.

Was sex ever weaponized, such as "if you don't do this your not getting sex for a week"?

It's very interesting the real affair was only one date after all the build up. It almost sounds like a cry for help, a crying out to be listened to. What was the level of fighting in your relationship? Who usually won the arguments?

I hope you two are in counseling.

[confusedinlove]

I am going through a very similar situation with my husband. After I found out and I told him I would stay and try to work it out he has been the PERFECT husband. I still wonder about HER. We are going to couseling and it seems to help a little, but I still struggle everyday. It has only been one month and the counselor says it takes awhile... that I'm grieving the loss of my relationship. I don't know if my post helps you at all, but maybe knowing someone is out there with a similiar problem (and still breathing lol) will be some comfort. Best wishes!

[rcoreyus]

I don't think blame matters at all in a relationship, whether you wind up staying together or not. If you are happy together then you should be together, if not, then don't.

As far as cheating, I think the important thing is to understand why he did it. If the reasons remain, then it will probably happen again, if the reasons go away, it probably won't. Its difficult to tell for sure from the posts, but it sounds like he was not getting as much sex as he wanted. This can be a really big problem (for men and women), being rejected can leave someone very depressed and resentful. That can easily lead to complaining to a friend or co-worker, and from there to an affair is a small step.

If you and he can have a happy sex life, then that is probably all he was looking for, and he probably won't do it again. If you are compatible in bed, if you enjoy each other, than this will also be great for your relationship.

Now, if you really can't forgive him (and that is entirely up to you), then don't drag out the relationship - if you want it to work you need to really forgive. I think you have every right to not forgive, many women wouldn't , but in that case don't try to prolong a relationship that will never be happy.