[Patribella]

I hope you get to read this.

WILLIAM, I'd just like to tell you how much you have helped me these past few weeks. I have been reading your posts and cannot even begin to tell you what a sigh of relief if is to hear a MAN speak the way that you do.

I have gone to so many websites searching for, particularly, a man who had some advice on this subject. I've found some, but nearly all of them have made it into some kind of jesus thing... Such as "I've escaped porn through Jesus." & "Everytime I think of doing it again, I think of Jesus." Basically, these men are not doing something because THEY themselves have realized and understand how detrimental it is to them. They do it because Jesus says so, which is next to fruitless because in all actuality this way of thinking is yet another way to deem yourself irresponsible and lacking any control for your actions. (But, To each their own I guess.)

Anyway, This was very very very far from what I was looking for. Simply put, these religion fanatics cannot help me because I am NOT religious.

I appreciate so much that everything you say (From what I gather) comes from YOUR logic and what YOU believe in, independantly of any religion. These are YOUR conscious decisions and I can see that you have dug into it as far as I have. I just wish that Mine could have been wise and concerned enough to do so. You're obviously a very intelligent man, conscious of the many ways this world has found ways to profit from the digression of mankind - making our men and women loveless, apathetic rats in cages.

My 4 year relationship was destroyed by porn. I have researched the subject til I was blue in the face and I've run the incredibly disturbing sequences of the past 4 years through my head so many times that I honestly do not even have the strength to analyse my relationship yet again and write down my conclusions yet again, for everyone to read. But, I will soon enough.

But, thank you for not being just another pig in the march to nowhere. And Thank you for standing up and giving an active f-ck about what is going on.

[ENGAGED]

Just some honest feedback

Hello,

This is my first time ever posting on something like this and with respect to any right or wrong opinions on porn, I hope that everyone can kindly reply with an open mind providing constructive advice/thoughts.

I just got engaged to my girlfriend of 5 years. Long story short, there was one factor that we have had to come to terms with...it's that I have a high sex drive and she doesn't. It has been something that we have been trying to work on and find some kind of "compromise" throughout the years. We've talked about it maybe once or twice a year. Result, we'll start to have more sex and then as time passes, we're back to sex once a month if I'm lucky...and we're not even married yet/nor do we have kids! As in the case of many relationships, we both had strong sex drives in the beginning, but as time went on, we had less and less sex. It had come the point where I think she could go a few months without sex and be fine. At first I thought she wasn't as attracted to me as I was to her. Then, I thought that she was just being selfish because we only had sex when she was in the mood. Lastly, I thought that maybe she wasn't in love with me.

After a couple of failed attempts to find out what was she was going through, she finally confessed that she just doesn't have a high sex drive anymore (maybe due to stress from work,life,etc.). We both love each other very much and when we do make love, its wonderful, but we didn't become physically intimate as much as desired. As a result, I started to watch porn to help tame the sexual tension. It wasn't something that I "wanted to do" and honestly, I would rather be having sex with my fiance. She would go turn in at night and I would go to my office, masturbate to porn and turn in afterwards. Yes, I felt guilty as it was going behind her back, but it was a way to deal with my sexual desires without cheating on her or in a way making her feel obligated to have more sex that she would like to. Although, I've had numerous opportunities since we've been together to cheat (ex-girlfriends calling out of the blue) I remained faithful. To answer some questions you may have, no, porn did not make me love my fiance any less, it was just a way for me to release sexual tensions. I treat my fiance with the utmost respect, I'm independent, I cook, clean, my own home, car, business, excellent financial state, never been unfaithful, never have been married/divorced, no kids, responsible, hopeless romantic, in top physical shape and above all, I love her. It's just this darn low sex drive that she has =(...I'm clueless.

Before I started to watch porn, I did notice that I would get aggravated easily and I did notice a bit of animosity towards her. We've talked about our honest thoughts and feelings on our lack of sex and she realizes it is important and makes an effort to satisfy me, but what do you do if it's not enough. Before her, I had a partner with a stronger sex drive than my own. I haven't told her about the porn yet, but I plan to. That's why I'm writing this to get some insite on how to approach this.

With that said, although watching porn helped to satisfy my sexual desires just enough to balance her lack of sex drive, I never felt good about having to do it behind her back. I'm going to talk to her about what I've been going through and find out where we stand and what we should do as a couple to resolve this matter. As of now, I'm not okay with it where this is all going. It's not what I envisioned in life as a married couple and if it is like this now, what will happen later on. Porn will never compare to sex with someone you love and I want to work this out BEFORE WE GET MARRIED.

Why not call off the engagement and find someone else who you are sexually compatible with? I would be lying if I said it hasn't crossed my mind. I'm 33 and she is turning 30. I'm at the boarderline point where sex isn't the deciding factor of a relationship as there are other factors just as important if not more that she fulfills and because I love her so much to the point where I can see myself growing old with this person and having a family with this person, I've accepted that fact that she has a low sex drive and adjusted to it. Right or wrong...well that is a matter of opinion. We all grow old and she's the only one I can see myself with til the end. Sometimes I wonder if my sexual drive will equal hers as time passes or as my body is no longer at its peak. Is sex worth losing true love over?

We're one year from the date we want to set for the wedding. We're currently working on "Before you say I Do" questions (which I highly recommend to anyone considering marriage), to make sure we're on the same page on everything before we take the plunge. I found this forum topic because I'm currently on the questions on "sex" and would appreciate others thoughts on the matter before we talk about it. Thanks in advance for any input and sorry so long.

Engaged and confused

[commonsense]

engaged

Your fiance may have a physical problem related to her low libido. She should consult a physician. You should be caution about marrying her at this time. Make sure she's not a lesbian. Also, If you are not satisfied with her sexually now and don't work it out, it's just going to get worse. I wish you the best.

[ENGAGED]

Thanks for the response

Thanks for the response. Lesbian...wow...that never came to mind, but at this point, I'll somehow find a way to inquire. As far as possible physical problems for her low libido, I will inquire as well. We plan on having "the talk" soon. I plan on being as senstive on the topic as much as possible. I'm starting to think that mentioning having to watch porn to satisfy my sex drive may be too much to handle, so I'm just going to stick to the main topic of how resolve the issue of our low and high sex drives, what may be causing it and what can we do about it. I'll post as soon as we've talked.
As of now, I've stopped watching porn. After writing this post, I realize that if I needed to watch porn to stay in a happy relationship...then it really isn't a happy relationship. "In my case", porn is a temporary fix to a problem that will not go away unless I...we as a couple deal with it. I'm going to deal with it now and find out whether we continue to plan our marriage, postpone the marriage, or call it off. Wish me luck.

[queenslady]

Life is too short to miss out on sexual pleasure. Think outside the box people and try to put yourself in your partner's place. Stop attaching so much emotion and meaning to every little sexual thing and think about what something is really worth. Do you really think it is worth it to ruin relationships over something that is natural?

I agree...my boyfriend seriously enjoys his porn and I cannot knock him for it. For that matter, I enjoy watching it with him. I would much rather him watch porn then go out there and be with another woman. You are so right when you say that men and women are made differently. Men do need to release more than women and it is natural for them to do so. At least my man is open about it his porn addiction and has no reason to hide it from me. I do get worried however when it involves online sex. What are your views on that?

[queenslady]

To Engaged:
My boyfriend and I have an equal sexual libido. However, he still loves his porn. Like "A Female Prodigy" said in an earlier post, men and women are biologically different and men need to release much more than women. I would not hide your porn use from your girlfriend...try to share it with her. Maybe this will help stimulate her too. Communication is the key to any and all relationships. Be honest and open with her and yes, I agree, try to come up with a solution to the problem before getting married. As sex should not be the most important issue in a relationship, it is a very important one. Good luck!

[Guest]

I would much rather him watch porn then go out there and be with another woman.

certainly. but thankfully you both have more choices than just those two.

[bellame]

I have a question

Hello everyone, I just recently found out that my bf was watching porn. I've been with him for 7 years and never new anything about it. I am a female that would be ok with him watching it. but he is watching women that are of one specific ethnicity. Is he interseted in that race? Is that what he wants? Please help......

[Guest]

it's probably not that he really wants that ethnicity, as opposed to wanting you. when you dismiss the morality of watching or not watching porn - that is, ignore the ethical question - then it really just becomes like a buffet. different things excite you on different days, some things really taste good to you today, not so much tomorrow.

and some things you will never like or be drawn to.

so if you aren't bothered by him watching porn and are just concerned about what he's watching - i wouldn't worry about it. of course, all porn - like any addictive subsstance - can lead down a multitude of roads to other things. but that's another issue entirely.

just curious - is it asians? that's a pretty popular genre of porn for many guys.

[bellame]

Thank you for writing back

Whilhelm Thanks for your imput, I found it pretty hard to talk to my friends about this issue. and yes it is asians, I feel pretty weird about the situation because I'm totally opposite of what an asian looks like. I guess when I looked on his computer I saw 90% of asian porn, It made me feel that's what he wants.

The history on the computer was not only for the day it went on and on with asian porn. I'm still having a hard time why asians?