[SaharaJim]

I really need advice on dealing with my wife of 4 years jealousies. I have not and will not be "unfaithful" to her...and I try very hard not to appear to "flirt" or "be distracted" by other women. But from the first our marriage has been plagued by her belief that I am going to treat her like her other husbands have and "step-out". The most recent "blowup" was over a posting on another internet site. One of the logtime posters and I have both been around since the site was created. We got into a minor "tiff" over our differing opinions and then apologised to each other. A third poster; new to the site, remarked that she was glad that we "loved each other again". I posted that it wasn't a good idea to say that and that my wife has NO sense of humor about it.
My wife came onto the site and started several angry almost vicious posts. She then got her daughter, my step-daughter, to read several rather uncomplimentary posts I had made about my step-son-in-law. So step-daughter posted an angry rambling post that had NOTHING to do with the site on which it was posted. Step-daughter then moved all of her remaining "junk" out of my wife and I's house and refused to come to Christmas dinner. (she and Sluggo rethought this and showed up for Dinner). Anyway my wife and I got into an angry fight which lead to threats of divorce and my wife began packing all her wall hangings and other belongings. She changed her mind and "asked to stay"- I told her I loved her and never wanted her to leave. Then last Wendesday she called my ofice and left a message that her birth father had died and she was "rushing down" (town about 400 miles away) to see his body before he was creamated. She took Step-daughter down with her. Her mother and sister still live down in that general area. She well may be setting up her "flight" to west texas. But she had talked about seeing a marriage counselor,) I obtained the names of three that our insurance would cover and she didn't seem all that interested. (all women- none of which I have ANY prior connection to).

I really don't know how to deal with this.

[rosekitten]

As far as I'm concerned, from what you say, she's over reacting. Now, I couldn't tell you *why* she is behaving this way. It could be anything from just a lot of hurt and fear, or it could be worse (as in, she's doing something she knows she shouldn't be). Either way, getting to see a counselor would be a good start, separate sessions would probably be good as well (not always, but sometimes people just refuse to discuss their true feelings in front of others). As far as how she reacted about the forum post, she needs to get over it. I constantly tell people I love them, it doesn't mean I'm *in* love with them.

[lizzardb63]

For starters...she needs to keep the children out of your arguments. They are between you two and no one else. That just causes bigger problems. I agree with rosekitten that she is overreacting and sounds like she has a lot of trust issues. She has a lot of work to do on herself it seems (Perhaps self esteem issues) and I also think couseling would be a good idea, together and possibly alone. She needs to deal with the anger and hurt she's endured in the past in order to move forward with you. It's not fair that you have the pay the price of what her past husband(s) have done.

If the website is causing problems, I'd suggest taking a break from it for a while until your marriage is secure.

[KMonte85]

Was she totally against counselling, or just sort of uninterested? If the big "D" and moving out were mentioned because of a silly argument turned angry fight, you're on the money that marriage counseling would be a great option.

Has she ever opened up to you about why she thinks that you'll stray? "other husbands'" behavior is not a good reason.. as I'm sure you know!

[SaharaJim]

Thank you for your replies. I didn't think that the nonsense on the internet site should have been that big a deal. But to her it obviously was. She said that she was "unhappy" in our marriage - and I must have totally missed that- and that I was unhappy. I was displeased when she seemed to think that every woman in the freaking world was "attracted to" or 'flirting" with me. I think I'm "OK" but ; nothing all that great. But I thought we were very happy together. I told her I loved her daily and she said so often too. She acknowledges that her jealousy is "out of hand". But I need to attend AA meetings and the women there ARE NOT flirting with me. (except occassionally a misguided newcomer who is rapidly straightened out by the women with long-term sobriety). As for the websight; I have invited her to post there many times, she has my avatar and password to use anytime. But i love her very much and hope that the "counselor" can find a way to help deal with this.

[lizzardb63]

I am assuming there is more tension built up than we are aware of. Since you mentioned she wants you to go to AA, has there been issues in your marriage with alcoholism?

[Ashlee T.]

Sounds like her insecurities are not only ruining her life, her her marriage as well. The only way that is going to change is for her to realize that her insecurities are her own, have nothing to do with you, and that you're not going to spend your life paying for the mistakes of other men. It is not your fault she's had poor choice of men in the past. It's unfair of a woman (or man) to deem ALL men (or women) into the same category as their exes when they have clearly chosen the wrong types of men in the past. And I'm sure her poor choices were in part a result of her low self esteem. Vicious cycle.

You have every right to be upset with her. It seems to me that you geniunely did nothing wrong. She not only violated your privacy but then pulled others into it as well. Does she thrive on drama? It sounds like it. What she did, pulling the children into her issues, speaks volumes about her dedication to your marriage. So, it seems that she is the one that needs realignment, yet you're the one bending over backwards to try to make her feel wanted.

She's going to have to want to change before this will ever truly get any better.

[SaharaJim]

No. I have been "sober" for twenty+ years. I still attend AA meeting and chair a "beginners" group meeting. When we were first married my wife came with me to several meeting and then began to believe that she was an "alcoholic"- she wasn't but she wanted to "belong". So she stopped going to meeting but she became somewhat jealous and suspicious of the the time I spent at meetings (maybe 2-3 hours a week).
Now she is constantly "probing" and "questioning" to make sure some woman at the meeting isn't "flirting" with me. I have cut back to just chairing the meeting for beginners to "minimize" her suspicions.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

She's a very needy person. If she wanted to join that group, it's the need of the attention that the group is giving everyone.

Does she drink a little, daily? Just because you comment that she "thinks she is" .. Hi by the way, good to see you here.

Apart from telling her you love her daily, you are going to have to smile and tell her she looks good, give a hug for no reason, just basically make her feel constantly she is your princess until she can believe it herself and love herself more.

She has a fear of losing, she states she will go that is to gage, your reaction... Then she "asks" to stay...

Her Father died, how did you console her? Ring her ask her if she is okay.. I gather she didn't see him much? But, this is the affections / attention she seems to need, to know that you are there..

Your own fear of losing her will create her in-securities more as you forget to be that loving partner, only showing fear of not wanting to loose her ...

[SaharaJim]

She never has gotten over being the "step-daughter". Her mother remarried when my wife and her sister were very young. They and their two half-siblings were raised by the Step-father who died two-almost three- years ago. The "extended family" talks in terms of being "real 'yokals' as opposed to yokals by marriage. They are "real impressed" with themselves but I find them "laughable". The "family" is a bunch of dryland farmers who think of themselves like they were the Murchensons or the Hunts.
they are not "royalty" The father who just died is the birth father that my wife never knew until she moved back to NM to marry me. She went down to his nursing home to be treated rather rudely by him. But; yes, she just wants to be "accepted" and loved.
My wife doesn't really understand alcoholism...she has gotten "slightly tipsy" twice in the five years I have known her. She seldom drinks unless others are drinking. On our honeymoon she was the DD (designated drinker) when we encountered fruity tropical drinks; I encouraged her to "try" everything that "looked" interesting.
Her biggest problem is she has a "weight" problem. Doubly tough for her to deal with because with my diabetis..I maitain a 25-26 BMI. I exercise 2-3 times a week with weights and am considered "muscular". She is very ashamed of her weight and it causes her to feel very insecure. I was very pleased when she enrolled in weight watchers and has lost almost 50lbs in the last six months. I keep emphaizing that I approve because it is a HEALTHY loss. She isn't endangering herself by using stupid dangerous fad diets.
I have never said anything to hurt her feelings about her weight; but the "reminders" are constant in our society. She used to cry when clothing would no longer fit her. But now she is down below what she weighted when we married. I know she fears that I will leave her for some bony (ahem) woman. As long as she is healthy I don't give a big rat's fanny! BUT she does!

Frankly I am terrified I am going to lose the woman I love because she can not love herself enough.