[SaharaJim]

Sahara,

I hope she just needs to find herself and has used this for a distraction for the time being and it all ends up with a happy ending, so sorry ....

When she "announced" today that she was leaving for Florida because of a job offer....I knew that she had pretty much intended to do this back when we had the "spat" just before Christmas. She said then that she had been "unhappy" and KNEW I had been too. Funny- I didn't notice that. I thought that I was "happy" in our marriage. When she agreed to marriage counseling I should have realized that was just a "placating" gesture. No one I suggested was "acceptable" as a marital counselor;no doubt the papers on the wall in their office was just "decoration". I am sure when she tells the tale of her 4th divorce- she will be the suffering victim. I am trying not to be "bitter" but right now I could chew roofing nails and spit tacks. I went down to my office....I don't even be in the same room with her. I don't know which of us is sleeping in the guest bedroom tonight but one of us sure is.

[BabyGirl]

Awww Jim.
Hugest hugz to you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm sure there is nothing any of us can say that will ease the pain you are going through.

What I can say, is the past couple of years I have been here on WH, I have Known you to be Kind and Respectful, Helpful, a True Family Man and a Loving Husband. This at least from your posts that I have read.

Not knowing you Personally or even that well, I am able to say that it Seems, you have gone 175% over what many Husbands do. And for that I hope you NEVER Lose that part of you. That Integrity, that Morality and that Ability to give and Share and Do.... For Others, whether it be a Mate/SO or a Friend.

You said something, very Important in your last Post, Very Important.

I am sure when she tells the tale of her 4th divorce- she will be the suffering victim.

I'm not a Man, But if I heard 4 times Divorced.. I'd Run as fast and far as Possible.

Maybe you can think of it more like " When he falls for her " Tale of 4 Marriages " He will be the New Victim".

I can't "knock " a woman I don't know, But I can say, that maybe this is Best for You in the long run.. And I'd certainly talk with IRS and Banks and stuff. And make sure you are Protected.

And a Sneak Peak here..

You can Freeze her separate Bank account,if your Tax income/refund check was put into Her account solely , and you filed "Joint Income" just by getting a Lawyer, before she leaves.
You don't have to File for Divorce, but you can File for a Separation, with Dependents. And have things, assets, frozen until a Hearing .. Just have her Served .. And Do it quickly, Once she is served ( with a legal Document) if she violates it and leaves, she will be the one who is in Violation.

This will give you some " Ground " to show you are working on the marriage, Trying to make sure everyone and everything is taken care of, prior to an actual Divorce.

[SaharaJim]

Thanks BabyGirl; As far as the divorce goes- it's pretty amicable and I am drafting the papers. She is eager to move back to Florida so she just wants the Trike I bought her, the jewelry I bought her and the income tax return. She is giving up all claim to my house, my retirement account...etc. AND she is "taking" her daughter and Sluggo with her. WHY am I sure that I won't seem like such an "unreasonable jerk" after she has supported them for six months? Anyway...don't worry about the "legalities" I haven't done any divorce work in 13-14 years....but I still know the "basics" and can protect myself financially.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sahara, do not kick yourself in the butt or eat tacks...If this is her 4th Divorce, clearly she is so lost, she has no comprehension how to extend her love from her daughter (blood) to the outside world, (a man).. in my opinion.

Breathe, sluggo is gone... That bad situation is gone. The non-sharing of love to you is gone.. She had 4 husbands, you have had a few loves.. Go and find the one that is really there for you, and knows how to show it and share it..

It's not a failure and some negatives honestly are best to leave well alone, as there is a much bigger positive out there.

Guess I just changed my mind a little there, but having said that, if she does come to her senses and realise, she will always protect her children first and up-most even though they are in their late 20's and live through them... I don't think that was something you could handle, her not letting go of the apron strings... And, maybe this really will be for the best..

We're here as you know ...

[SaharaJim]

Thanks CW. My parish priest said much the same thing. Who knows...she may get "back to Tampa" and find that nothing there has really changed. She was "alone" and things were very "bad" for her. She "jumped" at the chance to get out and be with a husband.
I don't know how I will respond if six month; a year, from now she "changes her mind and wants a "reconciliation". But I will have the divorce papers signed and filed before she leaves. I personally think she will be very sad and kick herself for "blowing a good marriage" off; but I believe we "LIVE WITH" the consequences of our decisions.

[jns]

SJ, I have been considering the possibility that the relationship of the stepdaughter with Sluggo may be a crutch to keep mother and daughter together. After all, the mother-daughter relationship has survived several divorces. By marrying a Sluggo, the daughter keeps her mother in a dependency relationship as a provider and thus keeps her close. It also sours her mother's other relationships and thus preserves the relationship between her and her mother. If such is the case, I feel sorry for your wife as she is being manipulated. And, unfortunately, you are collateral damage. I'm sorry the way things have turned out for you.

[SaharaJim]

Could very well be; but they will take that to Tampa. As the saying in the AA program goes: " No matter where YOU go ; there YOU are.
I wish them well but I am OUT of it.

[SaharaJim]

Soon to be ex has moved her "stuff" out and will be leaving for Tampa. I hope she follows through on what she said. She was supposed to sign the neccessary papers for Divorce and leave half of the tax refunds. It wouldn't really surprise me if she just "takes off". I am sure she doesn't want to give up the tax money when she "needs" it to get "established" in Tampa. And dealing with an actual divorce is probably something she doesn't really want to have to do. Easier to just "cut and run" knowing that I will file the papers and seek a "default' divorce.
Guess it really "hit home" last night. I was alone in the house...with everything she was taking gone...kind of seemed empty and the tile floors kind of "echoed". My boxer was really upset. She kept looking for the "other" two dogs and I am sure my soon-to -be ex.
I "occupied" myself cleaning and putting things back in "order". The only "pictures" she left were a Wedding Photo and a "couples photo" from the Parish. I think that was supposed to be a "subtle dig". I put those in the same box as the pictures of her from my Office. Funny how "different" someone "looks" when you no longer "love" them. I am reminded of Red's line from the movie ROADHOUSE: " Don't EVER marry an ugly woman...Just takes the strength right out of you... She left me though...found someone even uglier than she was....life - who can explain it."

[SaharaJim]

Petition is filed and my soon to be ex promises that I will recieve half the tax refund.
Maybe...maybe not...I'm not "holding my breath. But she claims she and "children" are leaving for Tampa on Sunday..that they were only delayed by the weather AND here I thought she was waiting to sign the divorce petition...Funny how once you are out of a "relationship" you start seeing all the deceptions, lies and "hidden agendas". Of course the "signs" were there from the start; here internet Photo was of her 8 years younger and almost 100 pounds lighter. But she figured the "bait" had to be "more attractive" and by the time she came "clean" on that I was flying out to Tampa and very serious about marrying her. I didn't really "care" all that much about the weight; but I should have "clicked" on the deception. People very seldom lie about "just one thing".

[SaharaJim]

Well; that sure wasn't as hard as "getting" married. The Judge signed the Final Decree on March 12, 2012 without so much as a 10 minute Hearing. I wish I could say that I am not "bothered" by being Divorced. But seeing the actual signed and stamped Decree kind of "ripped me up". Mailed to me..."boom". It isn't like I didn't "know" it would be...but to have it right there in front of me in "black and white"; emotionally..it is a whole lot harder. Knowing that she is "gone" is a totally different thing than "fighting" or thinking that I might walk back to the house and find her there. I had this "rediculous fantasy" that she would come back and say:" That was really stupid...want to try and work this out?" Maybe I should have said that..before she left. But it seemed pretty final when she just "announced" that she was leaving for a job halfway accross the country. No negotiation, no fight, no I'm unhappy- just" I'm going...thought I would let you know". Short of "knocking her down and sitting on her" wasn't a whole lot I could do. I believe one should never BEG for love. It is real hard on the pride...and in the end...does no good.