[AmberRay]

Make him do seperste accounts.
Make a list of demands and stick to them.
If he won't work with them then you know he isn't changing.

[kymmylou]

See, that is what I do not understand. I started counseling a yr ago and told her that this was the last ditch effort to save my marriage. That was a year ago. In that year, I have left twice. OI fought for my son to get medical helkp, (which I was right about what he needed and what was going on) There was such a bad arguement over me telling his dr what was going on, I thought I was a bad mom. He had started counseling then stopped going saying that it wasnt his problem. SO I kept going. Then he wanted me on meds because I was irrational and sensitive etc....then he would cry and apologize and say he would change. It would cycle all around again. He is doing better with Ian, but I also was the one to sign all the paperwork for that so his dad doesnt have much to do with it. Still not involved in Ians therapies and he doesnt carry pics of him in his wallet like he does his daughters. Again, Im sure this sounds petty, but it seems that he has two separate families and its obvious which one is more important.

[kymmylou]

I tried that. I tried to compromise with him on college etc and because I brought it up he will not listen. Then he brought it up and it was a totally different story. We were supposed to be starting separate accounts but there is alwaysa something that happens that leaves me with nothing. Or he wants to spend it by going out to eat when I say we shouldnt. Its such a confusing cycle.

When I try to come up with things, and try to stick to them, he says that I am not taking his feelings into consideration So then I feel like Im being overly demanding.
I was told I couldnt shop at certain places or work at certain places. This past week I said I would shop and work wherever I wanted, he said ok, but I am scared to death to even try. And there is never going to be money for me to actually do it.

[AmberRay]

I can't tell you what to do. But sit down and make a list. Make those demands and stick to them. We all are imperfect but if he wants to change he will. If you love him or want your marriage then it may be worth it. You say he is doing better with your son but it feels like two different families. Sit down and talk about it. Its important not to beat him up about it tho. Be calm. In our therapy I had to realize I kept bringing up same thing and it would discourage him.

[AmberRay]

Its ok to be scared. I know I was. I wasn't even allowed a phone!
But my affair opened my husbands eyes. Maybe it did yours. Sit down m make the list and say that ot is this way or no way give no wiggle room in your demands but also don't beat him up.
He can change if he is remorseful. That's the thing to remember. You fell in love with him for a reason.

[AmberRay]

And remember abuse is like aj addiction. It usually doesn't stop the first time and that's terrible for us victims. But the abuser can change if he wants. Like an addict can quit.

[kymmylou]

Thats why I dont really talk to him about it. I dont want to beat him up, but then hes mad when I dont talk to him. I will do that list tho. I do have to ask though, what if he says Im being too demanding? I try so hard not to be, but come on, I basically raised my son by myself and know I could do it alone so I dont ask for help. And I want to be independant to an extent. I got married, I didnt become his child to control. And Im not sure whaty I did to deserve it. I guess that what I am having a harder time with.

[AmberRay]

If too demanding, then you know he doesn't want to change.
But be careful not to take advtansge and be irrational. Don't ask for the moon. But tell him what you want and stock to it. But you have to reward him if he is doing good. Otherwise he gets discouraged and will regress. Treat him like w child. Praise him. But be firm. If he is remosreful and wants to change. He will appreciate that. That is how my husband and I made it thru it. Now he is the man I married.
God bless

[AmberRay]

Thats why I dont really talk to him about it. I dont want to beat him up, but then hes mad when I dont talk to him. I will do that list tho. I do have to ask though, what if he says Im being too demanding? I try so hard not to be, but come on, I basically raised my son by myself and know I could do it alone so I dont ask for help. And I want to be independant to an extent. I got married, I didnt become his child to control. And Im not sure whaty I did to deserve it. I guess that what I am having a harder time with.

always remember you didn't do anything. Its his problem. My husband was beat by his step father as a child. When he grew up all he knew was anger. I don't know your husband but I imagine he had a rough childhood or something like that. My husband didn't know how to communicate and when he did I thought it was too late. He had beat me , killed mt self worth and drove me away from everyone. When i went to another man i saw how it changed him. Now im not saying affairs save a marriage but they can be eye openers. But also you now have to rebuild trust with him. So there is work for both of you. But if you both are sorry and committed to making it work. It can. Make that list tho. And counseling needs to be the top. No wiggle room..he has to understand what he has done to you and how to cope better. If he wants to try harder and fix his problems this won't be an issue.
i can give you q lot of tips from our therapist. If you want. The main thing to remember is to not beat each other up. If you decide to fix your marriage and help him overcome his problems you can't keep reminding him of his past. And he can't you.
If you need any help let me know.
I wish you the best and i hate to see a marriage fail. And i hate to see someone give up hope in the one they love. I always remind myself of how my husband changed and i think of him as an example for other abusers. They cab change if they want. Control is an addiction. They have to break free from it and sometimes its a cold dose of reality that does that
God bless you and your family
You'll be in my prayers.

[kymmylou]

Thank you. It is much appreciated. I appreciate the support