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Should I believe him?

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  • Should I believe him?

    My Husband and I been married for 22 years, we have 3 sons and I have been at stay-at-home mom for the past 20 years..I am just starting to venture out into working world again..I just recently worked for a year and half at a job that I hated...and now I am about to start another new job next week parttime. For the past couple of years our relationship hasn't been all that great..we have our ups and downs that I am sure everyone has or goes through..but lately I have been feeling a knot in my stomach..like I know something is not right..He has a cell phone that I am never allowed to touch or use (a couple of years ago that wasn't the case)..he carries it every where he goes and I mean every where. well about a month ago I decided to look at the phone bill on line and to my surprise I see on his phone line that there are calls everyday for the past year to a number of a lady he used to work with. He is retired and is working a different parttime job now..the calls are always between 9 and 6 after he leaves the house and right before he comes home (and right during the times she is working)..the calls are anywhere from 15mins to 45 mins and there is numerous calls to one another everyday...we recently took a family vacation and there was a couple calls to her or from her..now I know that when he worked at his previous job he was friends with her and different ladies from work and he used to come home and tell me stuff about them but this is just strange cause when I asked him about her and if he talks to her he said once in awhile. I asked did he talk to her recently and he said no..... "NO!" I said to him..then how come on your phone line there is calls everyday between the two of you numerous times a day..everyday?..he then first tried to deny it was her number..then I showed him I have proof it is her number because I have a masterlist of his from when he worked there that has all his previous coworkers with their home addres, phone numbers and cell numbers..and this cell phone is registered to her! He finally admitted it was her number and they are not having an affair and they are just good friends that have a lot in common to talk about..that I wouldn't understand..because alot of it has to do with work and the reasons about why he retired..we have a son that has tourettes and she has a son that has aspergers so they talk about that and medicines...etc etc etc...but what I don't understand is how they can talk so many times in one day like 8 times and if they are only friends why was it such a secret from me? well after I showed him that I can see that they have talked everyday for over a year..all of a sudden the calls stopped on his phone...(why did they stop if they were only friends) and then I found some stuff for a track phone (the chargers and the packaging with the serial# for the phone on it but no phone) and the hidden in our van...he swears it is not his and he does not know how it got there..really! we have been trying to talk things out for the past month..I cry he cries he swears nothing was happening between them..but I can't shake this horrible feeling inside...I do still love him and want to believe him...he tells me he loves me and wants to stay in our marriage...but everyday I am crying cause I do not believe him and I want him to tell me the truth...I do believe it was an affair maybe not a sexual one..but an emotional affair! and I am not sure I can get over this I am trying but it is so hard...our boys have no idea what is going on between us and I do not want them to know..I have talked to my sister about this and she is the only one that knows..I don't have anyone else to turn to for advice or even just an opinion...looking for help..so back to my question..Should I believe him?

  • It sounds like he was having an emotional affair, but I'm not a professional counselor nor do I play one on TV. Seek professional counseling with your husband.

    Have you been attentive to his emotional and physical needs? Has he been attentive to your emotional and physical needs? Can your forgive him if he was having either an emotional or sexual affair?

    Have you talked to your husband about this in terms of what impact it is having on you? The only way to move forward is to communicate constructively. Most couples have a really difficult time communicating constructively. In fact, couples wanting to get married should be required to take marital course dealing with communication and intimacy, which could decrease the divorce rates.

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    • i would contact her and ask since you have the master list of numbers.

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      • I have thought of this...I have not asked him to consider therapy at this moment because he gets angry at me that I don't believe him. When we do talk we both end up crying...my emotions are all over place at the moment..I even start to wonder if he is crying out of guilt or not? Counseling is probably what we both need..but I don't think he would do it.

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        • This might sound crazy but there is a part of me that is to nervous to call her..I even said to my husband one time during our talks..What would her husband think if he knew how much they talked on the phone..does he know they are just good friends and they talk this much....my husband got angry at me for saying this and said if I ever did anything by saying anything to mess up another family...that would be it for us...meaning we are over....so I said to him...well how do you think I feel..have you ever thought about how i would feel if i knew they talked this much....he said looking at it now he sees that they do talk alot and he sees how it might hurt me...this is why he claims they have stopped talking....but I don't believe him...especially since I found tracphone stuff hidden in our van...he claims it is not his! Since all of this has happened we have talked more and we both say we want to stay in the marriage..but I can't shake this horroble feeling inside..all I keep thinking is he is lying!

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          • Don't call her. She's not going to tell you the truth anyway. Her loyalty lies with him - and if he's still talking to her (and I'm guessing he is, or very recently was, using a trac phone), he's probably warned her by now that there's a chance you'll call. She's already got her story figured out for when/if that happens. So it's not worth it. Do you still have the trac phone? Go online and look up the serial #... you might be able to find information on the phone's user and/or cell usage information.

            At this point, your husband has no (and I mean ZERO) reason to not seek counseling with you. He doesn't want to? Well golly jee whiz... that's just too bad. Perhaps he shouldn't have been carrying on with another woman, in effect shattering your trust in him and your marriage. He made the mess - and if he really TRULY cares to salvage your marriage, he'll do what he needs to to repair the damage.

            So if you think it will help you cope, then demand marriage counseling. Tell him you're still hurt, and mad as all get out, and he's being quite selfish for a man who has caused so much distress. I'm not saying there weren't perhaps more problems within the marriage before this happened, but it was his choice in how he dealt with it. He made a bad choice, and he owes it to you to make it better.

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            • Originally posted by KungFuKitty View Post
              i would contact her and ask since you have the master list of numbers.
              Yep.

              I know all relationships are different and that being a husband is different from being a wife, but if my wife did this it would be impossible for me not to be in contact with the other couple. If it was so innocent then why shouldn't everything be out in the open? What's the harm? If those two were such good friends then why can't you all be friends together? Why would he threaten you for wanting to talk to his good buddy? What reason has he given you to believe him?

              If it happened to me I would expose their little secret "friendship" to the light of day and let the chips fall where they will. A threat that it would end the marriage would make it all the more urgent. In fact, I might leave first and still expose everything. Not to be vindictive, but if I know, I don't feel like I should be in on keeping their secret from the fourth, innocent party. If he found out would you want him to tell you?
              "Those sowing seed with tears
              Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

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              • Another vote to call her and see what's up

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                • I am going thru the same exact thing right now...the phone and computer hidden and password locked, and now a new phone. He swears nothing happened, but I don't believe it. I finally called "her" and I have to tell you it was the best thing ever! She told him she doesn't want him emailing and texting anymore (and it was hundreds of both a day, day and night!) But once I spoke to "her" she realized it was wrong. Now we are in counseling and he is trying. Good Luck and go for it!

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