[Marriedandconfused]

Marriedandconfused,

I read your posts and pondered the things you said. There is a difference in loving someone and being in love with them. It sounds like you love him (meaning you care about him), but not necessarily in love with at the moment. Keeping a relationship 'special' after twenty years is hard. I think one of the reasons is because both parties have become complacent and we often unconsciously take our spouse for granted. Your libido is not going to be shooting through the roof when 1) It hurts and is uncomfortable, 2) Viewed as a chore because the attraction is not what is once was, 3) You already know how it's going to end, which irritates you.

If penetrative sex is hurting you, maybe it's because of dryness and lube would help. I don't recall reading that you have tried that, but I could have missed it. (I've gone back through and re-read this because of some trigger points I wanted to touch on ) What do you consider proper sex? How open minded are you (and Hubby) to trying new things - toys, locations, positions?

I consider myself a little difficult. It's not easy for me to orgasm without a vibrator or small bullet of sorts. My husband doesn't take personal offense or feel that he is less than a man because of it, I blame myself not him for that. So, we incorporate toys in the mix of things. He doesn't mind putting time and effort into making sex a pleasurable experience for me, but in return, I make sure he is well taken care of. I guess I'm a little different from most women because I love making love, but there are also times when I just need a good ************************ and I don't want all the bells and whistles when I'm in that kind of mood. I want it deep and heated. I wasn't always forthcoming with what I wanted or needed, but several years of marriage changed my view toward communicating what I wanted. I realized he couldn't read my mind and if I wanted to be happy, then it was my responsibility to communicate better.

I loved your statement about wanting to climax easily like Fifty Shades. I wish I could too, but like I said, it takes a little more effort on his part. I have mid teenage boys at home and Hubby works third shift, so we have to 'work in time' to have sex. Odd as it sounds, my husband is much more reserved about sex. (Him - Do you think the kids know what we are doing. My response - yeah, they probably do, but we're married and they know about the birds and the bees.) I have always been open and honest with my children. After 'sex' education in school, they had questions. I would rather they get accurate information from me or him than false and misleading bullcrap from their friends and I've made a point to let them know that they can come to me with any questions or concerns and I won't lecture them. I'm not advocating premarital sex, but I'm realistic and know that most kids become sexually active in their teens. I think that sex should be an intimate bonding between two consenting adults, therefore, I don't want the kids to think that it's taboo.

I get the impression from your post that your self-esteem has been squashed. You say that your husband feels superior because he has a well paying job and qualifications compared to you. What You have stayed home and raised two children virtually by yourself and now have a part time job. I have always said that a homemaker has one of the toughest jobs on the planet. Work is an escape for me. I needed time away from the house for my sanity. Don't diminish your qualities and self-worth based on a paycheck or job.

Can you talk to him about how you feel and what you need to feel connected to him? Does his job require him to spend so much time at work? Is it possible for him to spend less time at work and more time with you? I get the feeling that you feel second place to his work. Maybe you two could plan a date night. You care about and in essence, love him, but you don't feel loved in the capacity that you need to. You are to be commended for seeking advice and trying to regain or obtain the life that you envisioned living. Keep us updated because we care.

Thank you "Euphoric" I am getting lots of lovely replies which are really helping.

I have tried several lubes including one that seemed very good from my Doctor, it's only problem was, it would create some kind of reaction inside of me (collect dead skin cells I think) and create a lumpy discharge, a bit like milk gone off. This did not appeal at all. The other issue is, by the time I am "ready" for penetrative sex, my hubby has gone limp again. So it's a frustrating situation. Also I think I am allergic to the latex in condoms. Not to mention these being a fumble to find and put on!! It's hardly sexy or sensual is it.

I would like him to have a vasectomy as I feel we could be a bit more spontaneous. But he refuses to "allow anyone near him with a knife" AND he doesn't want to go through "all that pain" if our sex life is not going to change.

As for trying new things (within reason) we are both quite open minded so do live out fantasies from time to time.

[Marriedandconfused]

Sorry, I accidentally clicked "send" (or my computer did) before I finished....

Now our kids are teens, we have had a few nights away without them, and it's been lovely just being together. We go out for our tea (early evening meal) most Saturday evenings, so I suppose that's kind of like a "date" night, though we are usually back and in front of the TV drinking wine (me anyway) until bedtime. I drink wayyy too much wine (I love wine) on a Saturday evening so I get very inebriated and my hubby (who limits what he drinks) gets very annoyed with me.

I do need to talk to him on a level that will help us both. We rarely talk about our deepest feelings. I suppose both are scared of what the other might say. If I ask if he loves me, he just says "I think so!"

[rcoreyus]

Some of the things you want to change are (as you know) minor - how he sits for example. Its probably just your frustration trying to find an outlet. Your unhappiness with sex is different, that is really important.

Interestingly my wife also used to find intercourse uncomfortable and we would rarely do it. Now she very much enjoys it. Maybe just more frequency? Maybe she is more aroused now. Maybe just the expectation that she will enjoy it changes things because she isn't expecting discomfort? Don't know.

She has never been able to orgasm from intercourse. We started using toys / vibrators years ago and that always works, but now she needs a vibrator to orgasm. (OK with me). So now our lovemaking includes a variety of things, sometimes I'll use a vibrator on her during intercourse and she will orgasm, but more often I use it and toys or fingers before or after.

You may have already tried, but can you change your routine so he winds up aroused enough for sex at the same time you are? Depending on how long each or your arousals last, maybe he can give you oral for a while, then you and do it for him until he is ready.

Adding toys / vibrators to the mix is fine too. As long as you are doing it together, I don't see any problem with this.

As far as him dashing to the bathroom - sheets and people can be washed.

I do wear nicer clothes around the house now. My wife got me a very nice silk bathrobe that I wear all the time. I don't personally care, but her reaction is absolutely worth it. She also wears lingerie around the house - trying to see which will my my jaw drop most effectively....... (btw, you don't need expensive lingerie to look sexy, the right length T-shirt does just fine......).

btw in another post you mentioned a reaction to lube. There are lots of variants of different formulations out there (good online sex shops like good vibrations will have more info) - its worth trying others to find something that will work.

I'd say its still worth trying making a real effort on your sex life. Don't worry about intercourse - I think there is a good chance that if you become frequently and passionately intimate that after a while intercourse will for you. Are there other things he likes? oral maybe? I know it sounds like I'm asking you do to all the work, but I'm not talking to him. My hope is that two weeks of real effort on your part will change things and improve the rest of your life. If it doesn't work, I'm not suggesting that you continue the rest of your life as his sex-slave: as I said before, at least you will know that you have honestly done everything that you could.

If your sex life improves you may find the late hours decrease. Somehow knowing I have a beautiful loving passionate wife waiting for me at home has made some of the things I was doing at work seem a lot less important.

good luck!

(I will be on travel for the next week - vacation with the previously mentioned beautiful and passionate wife - so may only see this forum occasionally).

Thank you again "rcoreyus" once again for taking the time and trouble to "listen" to me and reply. You are sounding very much how my husband probably feels. I did read the poem you mentioned, quite tragic (if it's the right one I read)

As for what I'd like to change/don't like...... Well I have thought about it. It's trivial things, like the way he folds his legs underneath him when relaxing watching TV (bit like a woman) he knows I don't like it. But I should leave him to relax. I don't like the way he/I has to m********sturbate him to a climax every time we have sex (we rarely go "all the way" due to my dryness/soreness) I hate the way that when he's ready to "come" he has to dash to the bathroom for a tissue (note to self..... get him a box of tissues for his bedside table) That's just a few things I can think of at the moment, and they can be changed (though the sex issue of not going "all the way" is another story)

I wouldn't say these things are necessarily "driving me away" they are just familiar boring things that you get bogged down with in a marriage.

We only have our son (17) at home as our daughter has left home now, so that's not an excuse. As for being passionate when he walks through the door, that would feel weird/not normal for both of us. So we can do it sometimes when it's not bedtime when son goes out.

As for trying to be more "passionate" well I could do that, but most of it would be acting on my part. But if it helps! Our sex life is "normal" for us, but doesn't feel like we are doing it "properly" by other people's standards. What couples can live without regular penetrative sex? It's just a fumble for us that hurts me!

Do you wear nicer clothes around the home now? I will have to get my hubby some more clothes, but he always says he's fine as he is. Mind you, I only have to look at myself around the house, and I'm chugging along in boring old clothes too. Unless I go out of course, then I make the effort, but he doesn't always (I am working on that though)

I am having a much better day today, so things are not feeling so bad. He got home from work at a decent time last night and I praised him highly, but it'll be a one off He does know how I feel about his stupid late hours! And yes, it does feel like being single, including a single parent when the kids were little and I always put them to bed by myself and he never saw them from one day to the next with work.

I think I have covered everything (for now) please keep "talking" to me if you can. I am feeling lots better knowing I'm not in this "alone!"

[Marriedandconfused]

Some of the things you want to change are (as you know) minor - how he sits for example. Its probably just your frustration trying to find an outlet. Your unhappiness with sex is different, that is really important.

Interestingly my wife also used to find intercourse uncomfortable and we would rarely do it. Now she very much enjoys it. Maybe just more frequency? Maybe she is more aroused now. Maybe just the expectation that she will enjoy it changes things because she isn't expecting discomfort? Don't know.

She has never been able to orgasm from intercourse. We started using toys / vibrators years ago and that always works, but now she needs a vibrator to orgasm. (OK with me). So now our lovemaking includes a variety of things, sometimes I'll use a vibrator on her during intercourse and she will orgasm, but more often I use it and toys or fingers before or after.

You may have already tried, but can you change your routine so he winds up aroused enough for sex at the same time you are? Depending on how long each or your arousals last, maybe he can give you oral for a while, then you and do it for him until he is ready.

Adding toys / vibrators to the mix is fine too. As long as you are doing it together, I don't see any problem with this.

As far as him dashing to the bathroom - sheets and people can be washed.

I do wear nicer clothes around the house now. My wife got me a very nice silk bathrobe that I wear all the time. I don't personally care, but her reaction is absolutely worth it. She also wears lingerie around the house - trying to see which will my my jaw drop most effectively....... (btw, you don't need expensive lingerie to look sexy, the right length T-shirt does just fine......).

btw in another post you mentioned a reaction to lube. There are lots of variants of different formulations out there (good online sex shops like good vibrations will have more info) - its worth trying others to find something that will work.

I'd say its still worth trying making a real effort on your sex life. Don't worry about intercourse - I think there is a good chance that if you become frequently and passionately intimate that after a while intercourse will for you. Are there other things he likes? oral maybe? I know it sounds like I'm asking you do to all the work, but I'm not talking to him. My hope is that two weeks of real effort on your part will change things and improve the rest of your life. If it doesn't work, I'm not suggesting that you continue the rest of your life as his sex-slave: as I said before, at least you will know that you have honestly done everything that you could.

If your sex life improves you may find the late hours decrease. Somehow knowing I have a beautiful loving passionate wife waiting for me at home has made some of the things I was doing at work seem a lot less important.

good luck!

(I will be on travel for the next week - vacation with the previously mentioned beautiful and passionate wife - so may only see this forum occasionally).

Thank you for yet another lovely and helpful reply. Hope you have a great vacation. I love holidays (as we call them here) and wish I could go away more often. I'd definitely feel a lot happier all round We are in autumn at the moment and I hate the cold dark days. I can't wait until it's after Xmas and the first bulbs of Spring appear (around Jan/Feb we first get snowdrops) and the days get longer again.

I wonder why your wife changed so much? I do get times when I do FEEL passionate (must be a time of month thing) and REALLY want to make love. But most of the time I can live without it. I'd need a personality transplant and a new lover in order to want more sex I think!

I would like to know HOW many women do orgasm through penetration alone because when we have sex I just feel nothing. And when I do feel some element of excitement and think I would like it to go on longer, he climaxes anyway. Usually I've had my climax another way, so the sex part is for him (before he goes limp) Vibrators are good, I have some, so maybe I should use something discrete as part of lovemaking. Though he tends to act like a spare part if I'm using one (maybe he needs to hold it for me)

The only issue with a vibrator is..... Yes it does give me more excitement, yes it would make me climax quicker etc, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm using something "artificial" and therefore not actually solving the real problem is it?

More sex WOULD help thought. I think he would be a lot happier as he says it's "important!" It's just that we need to try/do things differently. I will talk to him about it.

Going back to it being Autumn/winter, it's a bit drafty to be wearing next to nothing around the house! But a change of PJs at least might help. Not to mention new clothes for both anyway.