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husband fantasizing about adult daughter

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  • husband fantasizing about adult daughter

    Last night while making love the phone rand and mu husband said out loud - (not on the phone) leave me alone I am making love to my "dau" wife. I assumed he was going to say daughter. I confronted him about possibly fantasizing about her and he went crazy. Said I imagined him saying that. He slept in the guest room last night. Haven't heard from him today. Don't know what to think. I know he looks at porn on his computer at work and I am okay with that but to be fantasizing about his adult daughter is bothering me.

  • It may not have been a fantasy at all - sometimes people just have brain glitches. Has he said or done anything else to suggest that he has fantasies about his daughter? I know I once introduced my sister to someone using my wife's name - nothing deep or secret going on, just a brain misfire.

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    • Some of the porn he looked at were about incest also sites of young and "old" ladies

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      • He probably feels just as weirded out about the slip of the tongue he made as you do.

        In the rare case that he does fantasize about her or anybody else, he probably won't admit it.
        <center><i>Nature gives us shapeless shapes,<br>Clouds and waves and flame,<br>But human expectation is that love remains the same,<br>And when it doesn’t, we point our fingers and blame.</i><br><a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/register.php">Register</a>|<a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/members/little.html">Contact Admin</a>|<a href="mailto:support*womens-health.com?subject=Forum Contact">Email Admin</a></center>

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        • True, but what do I do now. I feel betrayed, he is a good husband overall. I am sure he is still ****ed, and I will not be the one to apologize.

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          • Also, I would not care if he was fantasizing about someone unattainable. This is just freaking me out.

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            • Imagine yourself in his (presumably innocent) shoes - would you want him to apologize? Or maybe just drop the subject? If you really don't want to apologize, though I don't really understand why not, agreeing not to bring it up again might be a good start.
              <center><i>Nature gives us shapeless shapes,<br>Clouds and waves and flame,<br>But human expectation is that love remains the same,<br>And when it doesn’t, we point our fingers and blame.</i><br><a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/register.php">Register</a>|<a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/members/little.html">Contact Admin</a>|<a href="mailto:support*womens-health.com?subject=Forum Contact">Email Admin</a></center>

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              • I don't want to apologize because I feel I did nothing wrong. But to agree not to bring it up again makes sense. Am I making too much of this?

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                • I honestly don't think he did anything. Most likely it was an innocent slip of the tongue. Even if he was fantasizing about his daughter, I feel that fantasies are very private things as long as there is not intent to act on them. I expect a lot of people have fantasies that they would never want to act out in real life ( for example many women have rape fantasies - that absolutely doesn't mean that they really want to be raped).

                  You seem to be OK with his watching porn. You say that some were incest sites, some old ladies, some young. Sounds like he watches a variety of porn, and isn't single-mindedly attached to only only one type of image.

                  Incest is one of the few really great sexual taboos left in our society - pretty much the only sexual activity between consenting adults that is almost universally deplored. Seems very strange to me - children form an incestuous relationship have serious genetic issues, but if there is not intent to have children, I don't see the big deal - seems no different from a variety of "forbidden" fantasies.

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                  • I don't understand what you mean by no intent to have children. This is his daughter from a previous marriage.

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                    • There is a good chance that it was just a slip of the tongue. I sometimes can't help think about kids stuff (their schedule, homework, etc) while having sex. Also, if a person is fantacizing about a person, you usually say their name, like I'm making love to Mrs Jone, not I'm making love to my neighbor.

                      I would be more concerned about his reaction afterwards. Did he act guilty and try to deny it? Was it more like "how can you even think of something like that with my daughter?" This is just such a sensitive issue. Regardless of whether there are any intentions to act on it or not, fantasizing about your own daughter is repugnant. Its one thing to fantasize about your cousin or step brother, but to fantasize about a child your raised is troublesome. Personally, I find the idea of looking at incest porn disturbing.

                      Have there been any other behaviors to make you suspect someting wrong? Does he stare at his daughter too long or get too physicially close to her?
                      Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

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                      • If you think about it, it seems all of this is about a single syllable, clearly said by accident, and immediately retracted. Without other evidence it seems a real stretch - no one should need to guard their speech so carefully.

                        sp346, I suspect the appeal if "incest" porn (probably never shows actual incest), is that it is forbidden. For some reason the forbidden is appealing to a fair number of people: maybe anything sexual was "forbidden" when they are young, so they subconsicosly associate the two. Sometimes I wonder how many people caught for viewing child porn are seeking the ultimate in "forbidden", not actually attracted to children.

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                        • My very first time having sex was an amazing and unforgettable night. It was life changing. I had been in love with my girlfriend, but now I felt new feelings. I mistakenly called her "Ma" (which is what I call my mother) afterwards as we were laying there naked. It happened again once when I became intimate with my wife. In both cases it was very late and I was tired, but that wasn't all.

                          I don't know a whole lot about psychology, but I know that comes from a very deep place. I also know that I don't fantasize about my mother. My feelings toward her are as a son and a friend - but nothing sexual. My mother is the last thing on my mind during sex. But, a man's feelings about the women in his life are similar in some ways. I know it's true for women too, because my mother calls me by my stepfather's name often. There's nothing improper about it. The bonds between man-woman and parent-child are deep and strong and probably hit some similar spots. I knew it immediately when it came out of my mouth. It was weird and we laughed about it.

                          He shouldn't have lied. But you shouldn't have made a big deal about it. Your insinuation is highly offensive, especially in that intimate moment. In my opinion, you should apologize and let it go unless you have some legitimate reason to suspect something between them. Based on what you said, you do not.
                          "Those sowing seed with tears
                          Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

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                          • If there is any evidence that your husband has or would act out on what you suspect this fantasy was, stop reading and start snooping. There may be children to protect.

                            On the other hand, as a couples counselor, I'd like to offer a scenario that may or may not apply to you.

                            The scene is this: The couple has been together for a few years and bedroom activities have gotten a little routine and infrequent. Both of them aren't in the sexy shape they used to be, she's not that interested in sex anyway, and maybe he is actually struggling to keep things going at all in the bedroom. They have discussed this and he is feeling a little frustrated in love-making department. To help keep himself aroused, he runs some fantasies in his head.

                            Unfortunately, viewing a lot of porn can desensitize guys to "normal" porn and lead them to more "kinky" scenarios. Just like the substance user needs more powerful stuff to get the desired effect. It doesn't mean they would act them out in the real world, but they might need those "kinky" images in their heads to get or keep themselves aroused.

                            That's the back-story.

                            So last night, after a couple weeks of no action, they are making love and he's working his fantasies hard to keep things up. The phone rings, his concentration is broken, things start to go down. He cries out in desperation, "not now, I'm......"

                            Things are deflating fast and instead of her jumping in to save the moment with some helpful gyrations and an invitation in her best bedroom voice, she confronts him with a, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!!!!"

                            What was looking to be a pleasurable evening just turned into a marriage (and life) destroying argument over a syllable uttered from a POSSIBLY twisted scene he runs in his head to keep from feeling like a total failure in the bedroom. Yes, now he's really mad, ie disappointed. Not only at her, but at himself.

                            What, if anything, this scenario has to do with you, I don't know. But, if you have no evidence suggesting that he has been anything other than a decent and caring husband and father, you could soften your heart and use this as an opportunity to make things better. Porn addiction, depression, stress, marriage strain may all be areas that need attention.

                            Men, at their core animal nature, can be pretty sick. It is only by the pressures of shame, the desire for family and heroic acts of will that there are so many decent men. And they, too, are fighting every day to keep their demons at bay.

                            I hope this helps

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                            • Yes, we know that men don't have pure minds like women.
                              "Those sowing seed with tears
                              Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

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