[DreamP346]

There is a good chance that it was just a slip of the tongue. I sometimes can't help think about kids stuff (their schedule, homework, etc) while having sex. Also, if a person is fantacizing about a person, you usually say their name, like I'm making love to Mrs Jone, not I'm making love to my neighbor.

I would be more concerned about his reaction afterwards. Did he act guilty and try to deny it? Was it more like "how can you even think of something like that with my daughter?" This is just such a sensitive issue. Regardless of whether there are any intentions to act on it or not, fantasizing about your own daughter is repugnant. Its one thing to fantasize about your cousin or step brother, but to fantasize about a child your raised is troublesome. Personally, I find the idea of looking at incest porn disturbing.

Have there been any other behaviors to make you suspect someting wrong? Does he stare at his daughter too long or get too physicially close to her?

[rcoreyus]

If you think about it, it seems all of this is about a single syllable, clearly said by accident, and immediately retracted. Without other evidence it seems a real stretch - no one should need to guard their speech so carefully.

sp346, I suspect the appeal if "incest" porn (probably never shows actual incest), is that it is forbidden. For some reason the forbidden is appealing to a fair number of people: maybe anything sexual was "forbidden" when they are young, so they subconsicosly associate the two. Sometimes I wonder how many people caught for viewing child porn are seeking the ultimate in "forbidden", not actually attracted to children.

[Stillness]

My very first time having sex was an amazing and unforgettable night. It was life changing. I had been in love with my girlfriend, but now I felt new feelings. I mistakenly called her "Ma" (which is what I call my mother) afterwards as we were laying there naked. It happened again once when I became intimate with my wife. In both cases it was very late and I was tired, but that wasn't all.

I don't know a whole lot about psychology, but I know that comes from a very deep place. I also know that I don't fantasize about my mother. My feelings toward her are as a son and a friend - but nothing sexual. My mother is the last thing on my mind during sex. But, a man's feelings about the women in his life are similar in some ways. I know it's true for women too, because my mother calls me by my stepfather's name often. There's nothing improper about it. The bonds between man-woman and parent-child are deep and strong and probably hit some similar spots. I knew it immediately when it came out of my mouth. It was weird and we laughed about it.

He shouldn't have lied. But you shouldn't have made a big deal about it. Your insinuation is highly offensive, especially in that intimate moment. In my opinion, you should apologize and let it go unless you have some legitimate reason to suspect something between them. Based on what you said, you do not.

[Pollon]

If there is any evidence that your husband has or would act out on what you suspect this fantasy was, stop reading and start snooping. There may be children to protect.

On the other hand, as a couples counselor, I'd like to offer a scenario that may or may not apply to you.

The scene is this: The couple has been together for a few years and bedroom activities have gotten a little routine and infrequent. Both of them aren't in the sexy shape they used to be, she's not that interested in sex anyway, and maybe he is actually struggling to keep things going at all in the bedroom. They have discussed this and he is feeling a little frustrated in love-making department. To help keep himself aroused, he runs some fantasies in his head.

Unfortunately, viewing a lot of porn can desensitize guys to "normal" porn and lead them to more "kinky" scenarios. Just like the substance user needs more powerful stuff to get the desired effect. It doesn't mean they would act them out in the real world, but they might need those "kinky" images in their heads to get or keep themselves aroused.

That's the back-story.

So last night, after a couple weeks of no action, they are making love and he's working his fantasies hard to keep things up. The phone rings, his concentration is broken, things start to go down. He cries out in desperation, "not now, I'm......"

Things are deflating fast and instead of her jumping in to save the moment with some helpful gyrations and an invitation in her best bedroom voice, she confronts him with a, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!!!!"

What was looking to be a pleasurable evening just turned into a marriage (and life) destroying argument over a syllable uttered from a POSSIBLY twisted scene he runs in his head to keep from feeling like a total failure in the bedroom. Yes, now he's really mad, ie disappointed. Not only at her, but at himself.

What, if anything, this scenario has to do with you, I don't know. But, if you have no evidence suggesting that he has been anything other than a decent and caring husband and father, you could soften your heart and use this as an opportunity to make things better. Porn addiction, depression, stress, marriage strain may all be areas that need attention.

Men, at their core animal nature, can be pretty sick. It is only by the pressures of shame, the desire for family and heroic acts of will that there are so many decent men. And they, too, are fighting every day to keep their demons at bay.

I hope this helps

[Stillness]

Yes, we know that men don't have pure minds like women.

[rcoreyus]

Since there are no (underage) children involved (the daughter is an adult) I would strongly advise against snooping. Once you have lost trust to that extent in a marriage, its pretty much over.

[stupidkaren]

Wow, I really feel like the bad one here now. To answer SP346 he reacted by becoming very angry, no denial, but said it was because of my past - I was sexually abused by an uncle when I was 5, and I was imagining it. He then when on and on and said he would burn the house down.(A little bit of an over reaction-wouldn't you say?) I said good do it with me in it. Then he went to the guest room and slept and has been there for two nights. Last night, I went in and told him to come to bed and lets forget about it and he said he was already in bed.

My response to Pollan, I did not react immediately. I waited until we were done and were preparing dinner and then questioned him about it calmly. He is under a lot of stress at work, and I noticed sometimes when he is that stressed he does tend to take it out on me by picking a fight over nothing. So now is it up to me to make things better? Or should I just wait for him to cool down?

[rcoreyus]

OK, him threatening to burn the house down isn't a good sign. How was your relationship before this incident. Maybe there are a lot of other things going on that we don't know about.

[stupidkaren]

Honestly, he is a compulsive liar. I knew that from the start, I believe he is faithful, but will lie in certain circumstances - when confronted he usually acts like this. He is still not talking to me. As long as I don't confront him on a lie, everything is fine. Do I just keep my mouth shut from now on to keep the peace? Like I said I knew from the beginning he was a liar, shy I didn't do something then, I don't know. I do know I cannot change him and have accepted the fact.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The bottom line is to me, an attractive person to someone is attractive whether it be a cousin, brother or stranger.. The difference of that admiration is whether a person acts on it or not.

The difficulty I have is that, you say he is a lier and his way out is to yell at you, blame you, ignore you and possibly sleep elsewhere. When an apology is made, that is the only time it then all gets dropped.

You do not know that he wasn't watching porn for-instance of incest prior to that conversation and that, that porn was father and daughter.

You do not know for sure that he would absolutely never consider touching his own daughter but she is an Adult, not a child. I'd say he wouldn't.

But, who knows the bottom line is, take it as a slip, in the event that it really was that, accusing your husband of wanting his daughter if he would never ever, consider such a thing would make him upset, it would me, you should know "him" , as your husband... This "daughter" also is an Adult, so there is nothing for you to be concerned about, worry about on her sides of things, so it's pointless in my opinion even getting upset.. You say you don't mind him watching porn off course it comes to play "mentally" in life doesn't have to physically.

I'd be more worried about the lying and that is what I think you are worried about, as you don't think he cheats but now you are worried that he has/might...that's a hard one to answer. The "if's"... but it's not part of what just occurred really.