[bellemisa1]

Some advice would be very much appreciated, I'm almost ready to file for divorce

My husband's family has been down right awful to me They are extremist religious (I am not of their background) and have said very nasty things to me, tried to split us up, disowned their son, and spread rumors about us. My MIL is very manipulative and indirect and mean, and my FIL has been very verbally abusive. Not to mention the way his brother or some of his extended family. It's been years of this.

My husband did not have a relationship with them because of the way they treated him and could never see him as an adult. A few months back I told my husband I was looking into divorce because he wasn't there for me in the way I needed him to be when I was recovering from a traumatic surgery (he went to work the day after I got home). We were fighting a lot when he reconnected with his parents, and now he says that he wanted to do so earlier but was too scared to tell me (though that was not what he was saying before I was ready to leave). He also now says he didn't have a relationship with them for me.

He says he promises that he will not tolerate if they say nasty things about me anymore and has communicated this to them and promises to stick up for me - but I don't feel like that is true at all. He is acting like suddenly they changed, and as if they don't hate me anymore because I am not their religion. The one time I did work up the courage to see them it was awful for me - they all talked about how I was being agressive when I was really scared of these people who have been so mean. They have never apologized or owned up to anything they have done. When I ask my husband about this he says that he asked them to and they don't feel sorry or feel like they have done anything. He says he knows they are dysfunctional but that he loves them all the same and that the best we can hope is to hold them to a line where they are respectful.

I can't continue to be treated this way and I feel like if I am with him I will have to deal with being 2nd for the rest of my life. 2nd to his work, to his family, and to really anything that he might want more than me. I also don't know that if I need him he will be there for me or take time off which is too terrifying. Sometimes he says he will do better and that it was a mistake to reintroduce his parents into our lives when he did, but then other times he says it was totally understandable given what we were going through. Please give me your honest feedback.

Belle

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Belle, welcome to the Forum, I am so sorry your thread got missed when you posted it and hope that you return to read the many replies there will be.

We don't marry someone's parents we marry a person and certainly that person should stand up for us, be there for us especially after surgery, if they can, if they are able to.

They say blood is thicker than water and you know? Alot of families are disfunctional but I honestly feel that if your husband wants them in his life, then he should have them in his life, visa versa. However, he should and it appears that he has, ensure that you are not dis-respected. I know you don't believe that he has done that but "trust" is important in a marriage. If he has stated that they won't apologise as they do not believe they have done anything wrong but they will no longer speak badly to you or about you, then you have to trust that this is what will occur, not run away when you haven't tested it.

I think your husband "must" stand up for you, you are his wife. Sometimes time heals and people all of a sudden do get along, I understand also though that religion is "face" to older people but, their son wanted to marry you and he did.

I wonder, where are "your" family? Friends? I gain the impression that he is all you have in your life?

It is important for a person when married to still have their family, friends in their life, or else they become dependant and very lonely and in fear if they are left alone during difficult times.

Look forward to you providing a bit more information there.

[Euphoric]

Belle,

Welcome to WH.

It sounds like your husband stayed away from his family to be with you. So in a sense of the matter, they disowned each other. You guys were fighting a lot and you mentioned divorcing him for not being there for you. He probably feels like he has sacrificed a lot (his family) in order to be with you. Marriages have ups and downs. I feel like there must be more to this story concerning your relationship. I can see why you were upset that he didn't stay with you while recovering, but you don't mention whether he is the only one working or what the circumstances were. Certainly if you had no help and required assistance, he should have stayed or made provisions for someone to be with you. Do you not have any family that could have helped you out some

I think that when you mentioned divorce, it made him think about where he'd be if you left. No wife, and disconnected from family. That probably made him think that he should try to reconnect. Most people don't want to be alone and have no one to turn to. He probably knows that you aren't happy about him reconnecting with his family. There is animosity between his family and you. Maybe he has wanted to reconnect with them but refrained from doing so because he didn't want to hurt or upset you.

You sound like you are angry with your husband because his family has not apologized to you. He can talk to them, plead with them, and beg them to make amends with you. But ultimately, he can't MAKE them apologize. Your husband acknowledges that his family is dysfunctional but he loves them. Sometimes we love people despite our differences of opinion. It's a form of compromise. I think that he is correct when he says the past is the past and it can't be changed, but he expects them to be respectful of you moving forward. He is trying to please you, but he wants to have a relationship with his family too.

Wanting to have contact with his family doesn't mean that he is putting them ahead of you. He is standing beside of you and has set boundaries concerning what he'll not tolerate. I know that you say you don't believe him, but have you given him a chance to prove that to you? He promises that he'll do better, so he is acknowledging that he hasn't handled things properly. He made a mistake. We all do. But it sounds like he is willing to try to please you. The only way to know for sure is to accept his word and see if he makes good on it.

Best Wishes.

[jns]

I think Euphoric has a good analysis and good insight.

What were the circumstances of your traumatic surgery, the time before it and the time after it? What were the circumstances of his employment at that time?

[kate61]

Belle,

Welcome to WH.

It sounds like your husband stayed away from his family to be with you. So in a sense of the matter, they disowned each other. You guys were fighting a lot and you mentioned divorcing him for not being there for you. He probably feels like he has sacrificed a lot (his family) in order to be with you. Marriages have ups and downs. I feel like there must be more to this story concerning your relationship. I can see why you were upset that he didn't stay with you while recovering, but you don't mention whether he is the only one working or what the circumstances were. Certainly if you had no help and required assistance, he should have stayed or made provisions for someone to be with you. Do you not have any family that could have helped you out some

I think that when you mentioned divorce, it made him think about where he'd be if you left. No wife, and disconnected from family. That probably made him think that he should try to reconnect. Most people don't want to be alone and have no one to turn to. He probably knows that you aren't happy about him reconnecting with his family. There is animosity between his family and you. Maybe he has wanted to reconnect with them but refrained from doing so because he didn't want to hurt or upset you.

You sound like you are angry with your husband because his family has not apologized to you. He can talk to them, plead with them, and beg them to make amends with you. But ultimately, he can't MAKE them apologize. Your husband acknowledges that his family is dysfunctional but he loves them. Sometimes we love people despite our differences of opinion. It's a form of compromise. I think that he is correct when he says the past is the past and it can't be changed, but he expects them to be respectful of you moving forward. He is trying to please you, but he wants to have a relationship with his family too.

Wanting to have contact with his family doesn't mean that he is putting them ahead of you. He is standing beside of you and has set boundaries concerning what he'll not tolerate. I know that you say you don't believe him, but have you given him a chance to prove that to you? He promises that he'll do better, so he is acknowledging that he hasn't handled things properly. He made a mistake. We all do. But it sounds like he is willing to try to please you. The only way to know for sure is to accept his word and see if he makes good on it.

Best Wishes.

This is well said. #clap! If you marry a man you must be willing to share him. Remember he was a son, brother, uncle, cousin or already a father before you met. You can't love a man outside his family. Often we fail to understand that we have a responsibility to keep families united but are eager to point out their dysfunctionality. Well said

[effy2014]

I can certainly empathize with your situation. You see the reconciliation with his parents as another bad sign in an already troubled marriage.

As others have said, it is not reasonable to insist that he have no contact with his family. However, your husband needs to understand that the pain of the past does not go away quickly. Your husband needs to set the appropriate boundaries and enforce them when his family disrespects you. For your part, try to start with a clean slate -- keep the past in the past -- and see where it goes.

[KMonte85]

hey y'all.. this is an old thread, and the OP never came back. I'm going to close this so we can focus on current/active threads.

Thanks!