[maan_ream]

We are in a long distance relationship, deep within me, I feel very sad with this marriage. It seems like there's no effort to show or to let me feel I am loved. I feel being disrespect. Everyday, we chat via facebook videocall, he wants me almost all the time to show my body because he wants to masturbate and he wants me to do the same. I am a very conservative person but just to avoid quarrels I would eventually give in to what he wants. Then after that, we would bid goodbye. For so many times I've come to realized that its all that he wants.

Financially, he doesnt want me to spend his money for whatever reason that I want to spend. He would always say that he wants it to be in the bank for our future house and lot. And anyway, I have a job so why should I use his income... Its really painful to think, I dont feel being loved and taken cared of. It seems that I am not a wife to him. We've been married for less that a year yet, but we were together as boyfriend/girlfriend for 9 years. I was the one who send him to school and supported his needs. In short, he wouldnt be what he is now without my unconditional help.

Ive almost given up in this relationship when we were 5 years, because it seem that my love for him was not reciprocated. It was one-way I think. Then that was the time when he realized that I was becoming cold with him, he made an effort to win me back, and eventually, I fall for him again.

Now, I felt unhappy, I never felt love in this marriage, its empty, its boring, there's no color or meaning.. please I need your advice, it will be a relief to me....

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Maan,

Can you give us some more background please.

For example, in the first few years were you together as in not long distance, why is he working away if that is what he is doing?

Asking for video sex, telling you not to spend his money is "bachelor" traits in my opinion hence I'd like to know how the relationship began, why it's now long distance.

You should also not do what you don't feel comfortable with though in marriage compromise is important but it goes both ways.

What about birthdays? What does he do there?

Welcome to WH.

[maan_ream]

Hi there, thank you for noticing my post.

I already graduated in college while he was still in high school when we started our relationship. When he graduated high school, he wants to study in a vocational course. His parents cannot support him so I was the one who send him to school. During those days, outing with friends is more important to him than being with me. But inspite all of those unreturned kindness and very transparent love, I still continue that "unconditional love" hoping that someday when he gets matured enough for the relationship, he'll realized that he had lots of shortcomings with me. I was the one who support him for more or less 6 years.

He is now working abroad, when I was about to give up the relationship, he applied abroad maybe to let me know that he has finally plan for our future. When he eventually realized my importance, I think my feelings for him had subside already. But then I gave him the chance and rekindle what I felt for him before. It did, but for now, as I have wrote earlier, the way he treated as a wife, it makes me sad and unhappy. God knows I unhappy I am right now. He is selfish, insensitive about my feelings.

There's no special occasions in our relationship ever since, he has no effort for gifts. I always believe that giving is the "acid test" of loving. We can always give without loving but we cannot love without giving. I dont know, I dont understand his traits at all. I know what love is and it doesnt show..

[rcoreyus]

Is it possible he is just very frugal?

[maan_ream]

Frugal? to the extent that he failed unknowingly to show affection on me. Love is like a plant that needs to be taken care of every now and then. As a person, our needs doesnt only ends in financial or physical aspect, we have mental, emotional and spiritual. We need to feel good about ourselves. We need to feel that we are loved. Who will live in the house he had planned for us when I no longer love him when that time comes. I didnt mean that I dont like his plan, its just that our needs today are what matters most. I am a very simple person, I am not even materialistic. I spend his money to pay the bills and some groceries. That's all, I live in my parents house now, I am obliged to pay the bills, he doesnt want me to use his salary because why should I, if I have a job? Is that the act of a person in love?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Oh darling.

I think you have sacrificed too much and for too long.

It is not his money, and your job is not your money, when married it is "ours"..

But more importantly. You spent 6 years sending him to school, abroad for a job, he has never bought you a birthday present not before, or during those 6 years and yet he has the nerve to tell you not to touch any of his money, use your own as you have for him all those years on your own bills and food.

Have a serious re-read of that paragraph.

If I was you, right about now I would be getting angry.

People can fill you with a whole lot of "words" but that is what they are if not acted upon and I don't believe he will act upon them as then you will own half of that house as you are married.

I am sorry you took a gamble to give un-conditional love that did not come back to you ever but, is that a lesson we must learn? If someone does not give back, then we stop giving because they are only taking?

I think so.

You are right, emotionally, spiritually, financially we are meant to be together in all aspects ... You are getting nothing.

I feel that if that was me and I really saw? That I would calculate how much I had spent and consider keeping back those funds and then sending him back his card together with Divorce papers.

I know we all want love but at what cost? When he clearly just wants his money what is his is his and forgets and disregards all the money you spent helping him get where he is today at your cost.

How does that make you feel ?

[maan_ream]

Thank you for that sympathy, you know Miss as I read your reply, it hurts me a lot, I feel sorry for myself for loving such kind of person. I was already thinking of giving up, I hope I can make it final. I value marriage so much but I dont want to stay this way. I believe I am a beautiful person inside and out and I dont deserve this sufferings. I am here because I have nobody to talk to about this problem, I know my parents will be the very first person who will be hurt for me if they know my situation. I dont want my family or friends to worry about me. And I thank this site because reading your replies is such a relief, it seems that I have somebody now in my side. Thank you, thank you.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I am glad you have here.

Your family will support you emotionally through all of it. You can not live this way, you deserve better and they know it.

Once, you know it fully... you will find the courage.

There is a new world just waiting for you, when you are ready.

[texasgal]

Its time for a divorce darling or some counseling!

[LouBird]

Hi~ just joining in here. I'm so sorry for what you've faced. Like the other women here, I agree that there are some red flags waving right now. Have you considered creating some clear emotional boundaries that you can communicate with him? "Because I respect myself and care about us I will... or I will no longer... If you are unwilling or unable to recognize and respect these boundaries, then I will..." Then the ball is in his court. Does he know what is at stake? That you are ready to call it quits?