[chaya]

Last night my husband came home drunk. The last time he got drunk he promised me he would never do it again. Breaking his promise was bad enough but he was all aroused and tried to get me in bed. Every time in the past I had gave in to him but not this time. I refused to sleep with him until he sobered up. Then to my shock, he grabbed me and forced me down on the bed. I thought he was going to rape me but then he thought about what he was doing and stopped. I went in the guest room with my daughter and stayed there all night. Every so often he would knock on the door and apologize for his actions but I didn't answer him.

I couldn't get to sleep all night, I couldn't stop think about what had happened. This morning I was down stairs feeding Misako when he came down and tried to apologize but I couldn't think what to say to him so I said nothing. We haven't spoken all day and I'm sleeping in the guest room again.

I want to make up with him but not sure how to do it. I'm beginning to think if I don't do something it could be the end of our marriage. I've never defied him before, at least not like this. I'm beginning to regret what I did, I should have given him what he wanted. Am I stupid or what?

[Stillness]

It's not stupid to not want to be hurt.

[rcoreyus]

He was completely in the wrong. I wish I had some useful advice but I don't.

[jns]

Talk with him. Tell him you love him, but he was completely out of control last night. Tell him you were scared and it brought up all sorts of bad memories. Ask him if he would talk with clergy to help him cope with these impulses when he is drunk. Of course the answer is to not get drunk, but I don't think he is at the point where he will self limit how much he drinks if his buddies try to get him to drink more.

Maybe you could start reading abusive husband stories and ask him what he would do as a policeman in such cases. Work on building his resistance to going too far. This should have an effect even if he is drunk. Keep on working on him thinking of himself as the good guy.

You did the right thing in getting away from him and staying where he couldn't get to you. It was good for you and good for him.

I would suggest counseling or a psychologist, but he wouldn't go due to possibly damaging his career.

[starjoy08]

You did nothing wrong. You didn't want sex and didn't want to deal with him. He was wrong. Take it slow and talk to him about what he did and how to change it in the future. You did nothing wrong.

[Pollon]

You say to him,

"You have promised to get your drinking under control but have not. The result was your attack on me last night. I would like to forgive you, but words are not enough. I need you to show me you are sorry by getting serious about the drinking. I love you and want to see this work. Please get some help or we are going in the wrong direction."

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Last night my husband came home drunk. The last time he got drunk he promised me he would never do it again. Breaking his promise was bad enough but he was all aroused and tried to get me in bed. Every time in the past I had gave in to him but not this time. I refused to sleep with him until he sobered up. Then to my shock, he grabbed me and forced me down on the bed. I thought he was going to rape me but then he thought about what he was doing and stopped. I went in the guest room with my daughter and stayed there all night. Every so often he would knock on the door and apologize for his actions but I didn't answer him.

I couldn't get to sleep all night, I couldn't stop think about what had happened. This morning I was down stairs feeding Misako when he came down and tried to apologize but I couldn't think what to say to him so I said nothing. We haven't spoken all day and I'm sleeping in the guest room again.

I want to make up with him but not sure how to do it. I'm beginning to think if I don't do something it could be the end of our marriage. I've never defied him before, at least not like this. I'm beginning to regret what I did, I should have given him what he wanted. Am I stupid or what?

Chaya...

No you are not stupid.

I want to share hopefully wisdom, age.

We can not change a person and should not change a person, they are who they are and we should accept them for all their faults and all their goodness.

It's evident that your husband is a bit rough when he drinks and I hope that is the only reason why you state he "can't do something"... But it appears that it's rare that he does it.. Keeping up with the Jones? Letting his hair down?

Why not suggest, if he wants to be with his mates, fine, but he should stay at a mates house. That you worry of how he acts when drunk and don't want to cause the rift that has been caused, you have a daughter, you are to be respected as a person....

I am glad that he clicked even though he drank, and that you should consider as well.

[chaya]

All day yesterday we hardly talked to each other. Only conversation was things like pass the salt but no real conversation. He don't seem to want to talk to me and I didn't know what to say so I keep quite.

Last night I slept in bed with him but I turned my back and pretended to go right to sleep. We both just lay there, I could tell he was not sleeping by the way he was breathing. This went on for hours and I finely went to sleep.

This morning I got up and asked him what he wanted for breakfast, he said anything and just kept starring at me. I had on only panties and I felt shy like I never felt before with him. I got dressed in the bathroom and went downstairs to fix breakfast. When he came down to breakfast, he wasn't dressed in his uniform. I asked him if he had the day off, he just said he wasn't feeling well so he was staying home. After breakfast he went back upstairs and back to bed. I knew then he was so horny he couldn't stand to go to work.

After I cleaned up and fed Misako, I took her up to our bedroom and put her in her crib. Hubby was in bed pretending to be asleep but I knew he was awake. I undressed and got in bed and poked him and said come on lets do it and get it over with. I don't know why I said it like that, it just came out and I regretted it right away. When he took me he was so big, hard and out of control that it was excruciatingly painful for me but I kept quite and bit my lip to keep from screaming. When it was over he got up and said he was feeling better, he got dressed and left for work without another word. I really feel like I let him down, if I hadn't rejected him Saturday night none of this would have happened. What kind of wife have I become to treat my husband like this. I don't think he will ever forgive me and I don't know what to do.

All day I have been considering my options, if my marriage was over where would I go. The obvious would be to go home to Hawaii and stay with my parents. But, there is Misako, it might not be good for my little sister (Misako's birth mother). I tried to call my oldest sister for advice but got no answer. Her phone must be turned off.

[lissy73]

When he took me he was so big, hard and out of control that it was excruciatingly painful for me but I kept quite and bit my lip to keep from screaming. When it was over he got up and said he was feeling better, he got dressed and left for work without another word. I really feel like I let him down, if I hadn't rejected him Saturday night none of this would have happened. What kind of wife have I become to treat my husband like this. I don't think he will ever forgive me and I don't know what to do.

Does anyone else find this disturbing? Your husband hurt you so much you were nearly screaming? Then he left feeling so much better about himself?

I'm sorry but this is abuse pure and simple. No one should treat you like that especially your husband. Just remember it is not your fault and you don't have to put up with this. A loving and supportative husband he is not. He was in the wrong, not you. He sounds very domineering and controlling to me.

You should be asking yourself what kind of husband is he? One who hurts you and twists everything around to make it all look like your fault? A wife should be an equal partner, which from your posts he doesn't treat you like that at all. He really needs to learn to respect you more.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Chaya,

You know it hurts so don't hurt yourself.

You would have been better conversing with him, sitting on the end of the bed, making mends and discussing things and then lovingly made love.

Hiding behind feelings doesn't work and you are both doing it now to each other.

He probably feels that it's "ok" to go out from time to time, not ok to get the way he does and there are solutions there too, as 1 I mentioned to you.

You will start to resent each other unless you both talk to each other.. Properly sweet.