[chaya]

We haven't made up yet, he's at work. An hour ago a delivery girl delivered flowers for me. It was a dozen white roses. There was a note that said: Sorry about everything, I love you so much and don't want my drinking to come between us. I promise never to do it again. Please forgive me.

I had been crying all morning but this made me cry again. This time it was happy tears. I can't wait for him to get home so I can show him I forgive him.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

A man who swallows his pride, for his bride, makes you smile wide.

Yeah I know

But, true.. He has done so which is a hard thing for a lot of people to do.

[jns]

Please, please, please, work on getting him to resist doing anything like this in the future.

[chaya]

When he got home last night I greeted him with a big hug and kiss. I had one of his favorite dinners on the table. Actually I ordered it from Bubba's Smokehouse BBQ, he loves their ribs.

After dinner we made out on the living room floor I didn't even mind the sex, I was so happy to please him. I wish I could get my libido back so I could enjoy sex as much as he does.

He made a promise to never hurt me again and if he has been drinking he will sleep in the guest room. I really want to believe him and only hope he can live up to his word.

This whole event has showed me just how fragile a relationship can be. It scares me to realize just how close we came to breaking up. I've always believed that a wife has certain duties that should never be compromised. I'm determined never to deny him again.

I'm sorry that some of you think I am a slave and a fool for being so subservient . If I live my life true to my beliefs there will be harmony in my house. This cannot be a bad thing. Every time I have wandered from this path, bad things have happened.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I don't disagree with you Chaya. "Intimacy" is highly important in a relationship and all relationships need work. We do put ourselves out for our man, even if we are not in the mood in order to keep the relationship at the right level, of intimacy, bonding but too, so should the man of the house do things to keep it alive as well..

In-other-words it should always be WE not ME.

[DreamP346]

The spoiled child: The parents give the child anything he wants, ALWAYS. The child is used to getting whatever he wants. One day he asks for candy. The parents say no because they have already talked to him about eating too much candy. The child is not used to being denied anything. He throws a fit. Starts screaming. Maybe breaking his toys. When the mother tries to sooth him, he hits her. Then he starts crying like he was beaten. The parents feel guilty and give him the candy. The child is all happy and gives the mother hugs and kisses. Everybody is happy. The child grows up thinking that he can have whatever he wants. He never learns how to handle disappointment or how to work to earn things. He has not respect for other people.

This is bad parenting. The parents are basically setting up the child for failure and turning him into a brat that nobody will want to be around. He will have no respect for the people who love and care about him.

Now substitute this boy for your husband and the candy for sex. Basically your husband is acting like a spoiled child who always gets whatever he wants. His bad behavior is rewarded. When he doesn't get what he wants, he pouts until he gets it. By always giving him what he want, you are creating a spoiled child. You are preventing him from growing as a man. What you should have done was talk to him. This would have helped both of you talk about your feelings and needs and how they can be met. This is how relationships mature and people grow within relationships. Relationships are difficult and it requires a lot of effort that will lead to maturing and development within the relationship. But by just giving into his demands, you create a situation where the relationship will never develop. It becomes a ones sides relationship with you giving and him taking.

From what you have written, I don't believe your husband is a bad man. But if you keep enabling his bad behavior, he will turn into one. One fight should not signal the possibility of a relationship ending. That is an indication that your relationship is very fragile. You need to develop and build it TOGETHER. You both need to mature and grow within it TOGETHER. Basically, if you continue going the way you are, you will always be one fight away from breaking up. Stop treating your husband like a child and treat him like a man.

My advice is that you sit together like mature adults and discuss what happened. If you don't, then your relationship will never be solid.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I feel like somebody needs to say it.

[lissy73]

The spoiled child: The parents give the child anything he wants, ALWAYS. The child is used to getting whatever he wants. One day he asks for candy. The parents say no because they have already talked to him about eating too much candy. The child is not used to being denied anything. He throws a fit. Starts screaming. Maybe breaking his toys. When the mother tries to sooth him, he hits her. Then he starts crying like he was beaten. The parents feel guilty and give him the candy. The child is all happy and gives the mother hugs and kisses. Everybody is happy. The child grows up thinking that he can have whatever he wants. He never learns how to handle disappointment or how to work to earn things. He has not respect for other people.

This is bad parenting. The parents are basically setting up the child for failure and turning him into a brat that nobody will want to be around. He will have no respect for the people who love and care about him.

Now substitute this boy for your husband and the candy for sex. Basically your husband is acting like a spoiled child who always gets whatever he wants. His bad behavior is rewarded. When he doesn't get what he wants, he pouts until he gets it. By always giving him what he want, you are creating a spoiled child. You are preventing him from growing as a man. What you should have done was talk to him. This would have helped both of you talk about your feelings and needs and how they can be met. This is how relationships mature and people grow within relationships. Relationships are difficult and it requires a lot of effort that will lead to maturing and development within the relationship. But by just giving into his demands, you create a situation where the relationship will never develop. It becomes a ones sides relationship with you giving and him taking.

From what you have written, I don't believe your husband is a bad man. But if you keep enabling his bad behavior, he will turn into one. One fight should not signal the possibility of a relationship ending. That is an indication that your relationship is very fragile. You need to develop and build it TOGETHER. You both need to mature and grow within it TOGETHER. Basically, if you continue going the way you are, you will always be one fight away from breaking up. Stop treating your husband like a child and treat him like a man.

My advice is that you sit together like mature adults and discuss what happened. If you don't, then your relationship will never be solid.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I feel like somebody needs to say it.

You nailed it!

[Stillness]

I don't think you're a fool, and I've told you before how much I respect your beliefs and share many of them. But I think you're doing your marriage a disservice by not speaking up. He doesn't sound like a real bad guy to me, but you're keeping him in ignorance. Sometimes it's good to be quiet. But, I wonder if he knew what you went through if he wouldn't try harder. Does he know that he's hurting you or are you disguising it? Aside from the drunken rapeyness that this thread is about, he doesn't seem like the type to be brutal. From your descriptions, he seems like the type who might go outside of his comfort zone a bit if he thought it would make things better for you - like maybe spending more time and doing some things that would get you ready for him.

Do you think he would?

[DreamP346]

The other thing I wanted to say is that saying sorry and being all nice (like getting flowers) afterwards is very typical abuser behavior. And then the victim feels like they are to blame and believes it could have been prevented if only they hadn't done xyz. I am not saying your husband is abusing you, but they guys are playing that part very well and if things do not improve, you guys may end up going down that path.

In another year, your daughter will start comprehending this stuff. Children are very intuitive when it comes to parents behaviors. She will learn that it is normal for a husband to behave like this. Ask yourself, would you let a man do what your husband does to you, do that to your daughter? If not, you need to start standing up for yourself and talking to your husband. Abuse is a cycle. Children of abusive families have a very high risk of being in abusive relationships or becoming abusive themselves as adults. You need to also think about your daughter and what type of example you are setting for her.

[Trisha23]

your not stupid,you just want him to be a better one..let him realize.