[asiangrace]

It is a long story but my parents have never approved of anything I've done in my life. They had a very set and rigid life plan for me and I didn't follow any of it. Therefore, their reaction to solve this "problem" is to pretty much excommunicate me. And when I say they don't approve of things, it is things like going to college - women don't belong in college. They belong at home making babies - they don't approve that I've chosen to live with my fiance before marriage, they don't approve of our different spiritual backgrounds...etc... Things that an adult chooses. I have been financially independent from them since I was 17 years old, in fact, I am their only child NOT reliant on their financial assistance, yet I am their only kid they just can't seem to approve of.

Anyway, my fiance and I are getting married on July 20th, and the last thing my parents told me was to not bother inviting them to the wedding, that they aren't coming. They don't want to be involved in it whatsoever because of the things they can't agree on with me.

I didn't think I would care, but now that we're approaching the wedding, I am caring. I am missing my mom at the dress fitting, I will miss my dad giving me away at the alter... Just those little things that parents are suppose to do. They just want absolutely no part of it, and I do not want to grovel at their feet - they would just love that. I am hurting right now deeply because I see my other girl friends who have gotten married and their moms are front of center just fawning and gushing over their beautiful daughters, and their dads are crying as they give them away etc.... I broke down crying tonight in the car when a father/daughter song came on the radio. Such a love that I can only have in my wildest dreams.

Anyway, I don't know what I am looking for in this post... Maybe just someone that can relate? Some support or encouragement?

[jns]

It's a shame your parents want to control your life to such a degree. Most Asian parent would be proud to have their children going to college. I don't remember if you mentioned the spiritual differences in the past. Most of them can be overcome if the people involved are able to be moderate and compromise.

None of my family was at my wedding in Thailand. My wife's family was there in large number. It was all good. I think it is probably a lot different for women to not have their mothers there.

Although they won't be there for support, your mother and father won't be there being negative, either. You are going down the path both of you agree on. Feel happy that you won't have that interference, because it would probably just try to tear the two of you apart. Have fun and a great time at your wedding. Have a great time before and after it, too.

Figure out how to post some pictures here. I would love to see them.

Best of luck,
jns

[Pollon]

Your parents have made it clear that in order to have their approval/love/support you have to live the life they demand. Clearly that is not a deal you can accept. The difficulty for you is refusing to fully accept that reality. It is completely understandable. However, longing for something you cannot have is a depressing torture that will keep you from enjoying your life. The path out is to fully let go of the hope that your parents will change, grieve that loss and focus on bringing people into your life that can give many of the things your parents refuse to provide. Maybe another relative or older friends or your in-laws.

The other half of this is that your parents are holding onto the same hope as you--that you will change.

So in your grieving process I would suggest you write them a letter explaining that you are giving up on the hope that they will "accept" and "support" and, therefore, will be moving forward without them. You can explain your life plan and tell them that if and when they are ready to offer support, you would be thrilled to bring them back into your life. But until that time, you will simply send them updates on your progress. If you want to thank them for their contribution to your success then do that too.

It is time to devote your life to your husband and new family. Only let people in who can support that.

Good luck

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The old saying, we can't choose our parents.

Some are so set in their ways, culture or just set in their ways.

They believe that if they put their foot down you will buckle.

The way I believe, is this. We were born due to our parents, they guide us, bring us up. At some stage, we become Adults and at that point the decisions in our lives are ours. We only live once. And, we should always live it for us, with respect but also with the knowledge that, if we don't we are living it for others .. Is that fair?

I hope that blood is exactly that. Blood. And, from living proof, I can tell you that eventually, a parent realizes the loss of a child and discussions are had. Eventually, on most occasions amendments.

If not... Please don't think you have done any thing wrong.. But, ensure you are not rebelling, and honestly love this man with all your heart, could not live without him... Know that in your heart. Because if you can't feel that, then their wisdom maybe being made for a different reason. Knowledge.

[Stillness]

The person who has done the most good to me in my life (and I'm blessed to have a lot of good people in my life) has been my mother. Because of certain decisions and choices I made and mostly because of timing, she was not present at my wedding. My wife and I did things really spur of the moment and nontraditional. It left both my mother and I with regrets. It makes me sad to even think about it. I'm her only child. I would redo it if I could. I haven't wept a lot as a man, but that decision left me curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor crying audibly and uncontrollably. I didn't even know how much I cared until after the fact. Do what's in your power to avoid that.

Do you think they'd make the wedding a miserable event if they were there? Are they the kind of people to be manipulative and petty or do they just have a strong sense of honor and tradition? The fact that you say they'd love it if you grovel makes me think they might be a bit petty.

Without knowing all the details, I'd say consider groveling. If there was any time and to any one that it's OK to be weak and humble, I'd say it's when trying to reconcile with your parents. That's my opinion. Life is very short. You can plead with them without compromising who you are. It doesn't mean that you have to start living your life for them and doing things their way. In fact, I'd say that being at peace with your parents and removing bitterness from your life is good for you. Wouldn't it be worth it if it turned things around for you and them? And if you pour your heart out and make your case and they still want to be distant, then you can at least take comfort in the fact that you did all you could. It's on them. Then you just let all of that stuff pass by you, like water of a duck's back.

I really understand as I'm a part of a culture that has strong beliefs about marriage, religion, and honoring one's parents. It's not unheard of for parents to not attend a wedding if it's interfaith or if the person is leading an unacceptable lifestyle. Sometimes the relations between them on an individual level can be loving and it may not be a situation where they're estranged, but the presence at the wedding would be supporting something unapproved publicly, so it's not done.

[WatchmansMoon]

So sorry to hear about your situation. My daughter's getting married in 2 weeks and we're not so approving but are making the best of it. That's not always easy for parents to do, especially when we feel a poor decision's being made that will affect our daughter's entire future. It's really hard to stop protesting, but we're trying. Probably from your perspective, your parents are just being mean. Although they may not be going about this in the best way, I'll bet they still love you dearly. I do hope your relationship with them eventually heals so you can have them be a part of your future and especially your children's lives. Any way you can show honor and respect to them, even if you feel they don't deserve it, may go a long way to bring reconciliation. Hang in there!

[pseudorand56]

I can relate to this. My parents don't know I'm engaged and I don't talk to them about my fiance ever because they made it clear that if I stay with him, they will cut me out of their life. They can't let go and I don't want them to, but it's a continuous threat. It just got easier at some point to section of my life and not include them in certain parts.

Unfortunately, that maintained my sanity only so long. Now I'm helping plan my brother's wedding, hiding my own upcoming wedding, and feeling this intense mix of pain and happiness whenever I see my friends getting married and planning their weddings. I break down at least every couple of months realizing that my mom might not be planning anything with me and my dad won't be walking me down the aisle or dancing with me. The smallest things will set me off lately, like realizing that I might be attending my brother's upcoming wedding without my fiance to keep the peace in my family.

I can't give much advice, but there are other people out there facing similar obstacles. I have heard stories of it all turning out okay, but not always in time for big events. I know someone whose father disowned her, did not attend her wedding, and several years later reconciled so he could meet his grandchild. It helps me to see there is hope.
If they refuse to attend, surround yourself with the love of everyone else who wanted to celebrate with you. It's much easier said than done, but let yourself get wrapped up so much in the happiness that you forget these troubles at least for a little while.

Good luck!

[asiangrace]

Update

Wow everyone, all of your comments, advice, encouragement, and support really warmed my heart and really helped me cope with some emotional things I needed to!!

Here is an update: We got married on Saturday, July 20th (a week ago). My parents and I did not meet reconciliation before that time. And you know what? I am at peace with that. I did not reach out to them before the wedding because I knew that with our history, they always try to ruin my most happiest moments in life. I did not want that looming over what should be the happiest and most special day of my life. I figured that they know I am getting married, they know exactly how to get a hold of me if they wanted to. They didn't want to, that was in their court. I feel like just how we protect ourselves from physical harm, we are allowed to protect ourselves from emotional harm too.
The day was absolutely perfect. We have a semi-intimate ceremony (family and close friends only. About 12 people in attendance). I had all of my closest girl friends around me the night before, the morning of, and during the ceremony. They fussed over me and had wine and just had such a wonderful time together. I had my other "parents" attend. They are a couple who has really stepped into the role as my "parents" here in town and they treat me as if I am their own daughter. It was special to have them there. I wanted our wedding to be focused on my husband and I, not my family drama. My parents also do not accept or respect my husband because he is not a "church going boy." They have refused to talk or even meet him. My husband is my family now, and I feel like my parents need to accept both of us or neither of us. I don't know if I will regret the decision of not contacting my parents before my wedding, but I know for right now, it was the best decision not to. I don't feel guilt or regret. I just feel pure joy and happiness with this new and exciting chapter of my life.

I can't figure out how to upload photos up here. One of you asked for me to share a few wedding photos, I would be glad to if I can figure it out!

edit: Ok, I changed my profile and avatar to a wedding picture, I tried uploading some to my profile photo album but I just get a blank pop up.

[jns]

Congratulations. You look great in your wedding dress. I did have to use my magnifying glass, though. I'll find the link to my explanation of how to deal with photos and post it for you. It is best to have the photos on a photo sharing website. Good for you on not letting your parents interfere.

[asiangrace]

Congratulations. You look great in your wedding dress. I did have to use my magnifying glass, though. I'll find the link to my explanation of how to deal with photos and post it for you. It is best to have the photos on a photo sharing website. Good for you on not letting your parents interfere.

What kind of photo sharing site? Like Flickr? I wasn't sure if I was allowed to post external websites or not. I'd really like to share them!