[bscj]

I'm not sure what to do and need advice. We have split up for a certain period previously due to him becoming controlling and nasty over a period of a few years. When he threatened to start hitting me, I left. I took my girls and moved back home, but after a year he begged us to return saying he'd changed. We returned and things are much better. We had been getting along quite well. Then today I found teen porn on his kindle. I was a little suspicious, or not sure what was going on because every time more recently when he used the computer, he would make absolutely sure that no-one could even accidentally use his screen log in. None of us completely close out, but he does.

Our sex life is none existant, and has been like that for 7-9 years (honestly can't remember which year it was it last happened). We were married young and have been married now for 20 years. I am more concerned because we have 2 teen girls, one of them, our oldest who is now 17, he favors over the other who is 14, and has for a very long time. He would give her general information that he should have been telling me, as his wife, but didn't. This might have included going on a business trip overseas, what time he would be home. Now, he buys this child basically everything she wants.

After I had moved out, we discussed divorce and he said 'well, I want ''child1'' back here then. Even before we moved back I felt it was weird of him to say that, but as I knew he favored her, let it go. But now this has come up again, it has made me concerned. Not only due to it being TEEN porn but that we don't have sex at all. I've tried to be a good wife for him, have moved around the country for every job he has wanted to go to, I left my family in another (western) country twice now. We have no family here at all (his parents passed on while we were in our 20's) which means we have no support. So I am doing the best I can.

Is this something I should be worried about? I asked him when he got home just a few minutes ago if there was a reason he had teen porn on his kindle, and he just looked at me with an embarrassed face and walked out.

[Stillness]

Assuming you're not talking about illegal, child porn (and I hate all pornography) but finding young women attractive is pretty much universal. Just about any man of any age that says he doesn't find them physically appealing is lying. It's as old as time. That is completely different from incest, which can happen at in any age group. Most men just are not going to victimize their daughters, even if they find their daughters friends of the same age irresistible. I find women my mother's age attractive. That does not mean that anything weird is going on with my mom.

Is watching porn disgusting? Yes. But don't make it more than it is. Deal with the problems you have. And if you have a sexless marriage, lack of communications, and a husband watching pornography, you do have problems. That's my opinion.

Also the oldest tends to be the favorite and get more stuff in most families - scientific fact. We have to fight against our nature to deal equally with younger kids.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Most definitely I believe it is something to be concerned about.

Firstly, it is up to you if you are prepared to live in a non-sexual marriage but personally everything else would have to be perfect wouldn't it? How two people can not be intimate and be happy I do not understand.

I gather the abuse, threats have stopped. But, it does sound as if you have put up with a lot over the years and maybe, just maybe you hide behind a wall of self, perhaps there is still some form of abuse.

As for children. Are they not meant to be treated equally? How is the 14 year old going to grow up feeling confident, loved, wanted?

This in itself is a worry and you need to think about that.

Secondly, 17 is impressionable and you have no honest idea as to whether he would take the next step, neither do we. The fact that he likes teenage porn and he has daughters is disturbing enough don't you think? Add to the fact that you now have put two and two together, if you Divorced he wants the 17 year old to live with him and he buys her everything and watches teen porn, what do you feel maybe the necessary move here?

When in doubt, protect your children...

[Pollon]

Your are in a potentially explosive situation. If you falsely accuse your husband of abusing your daughter things will get very ugly. Obviously, however, you need to do some more investigating to make sure she is safe.

The child welfare services department in your area should have people who know how to interview a young person in this situation. However, if she is being abused, this will open up a case. In which case either she or your husband will have to be removed from the home. If you find any other professional who works with kids, the same thing will happen. They are all mandated reporters (at least in the US) and have to notify authorities if kids are being abused.

Neither your daughter or your husband are likely to admit if something is going on. Do some research to determine if your daughter is showing any signs of sexual abuse. Those can include drug abuse, depression, anxiety, cutting, promiscuity, isolation, poor performance in school, lack of interest in activities she used to enjoy, etc.

[bscj]

thanks so much for the responses, I very much appreciate each of them, and do understand points from each also. I agree that this is a situation with issues. Its been going on for way too long, which is why I left the first time. Before I give a little more info, because it will probably shed a bit more light on the situation, I'll say that I don't believe he is abusing either of our girls, the older one would tell me. But the fact that he watches that stuff, is beyond me and I do have to wonder what could happen in general, I guess just as a concerned parent but also for myself.

When I asked him about it more, he simply said there was nothing to talk about, that a friend sent it to him, and he's always sending stuff like that (this friend is in the process of a divorce.. wonder why huh). He also said it was in his most viewed list because kindle just changed to Silk, and looking at something once sent it to the top list. BUT at the same time, his kindle pretty quickly disappeared, and I haven't seen it since. So he is hiding it. This leads me to think that what he told me was a load of BS, obviously he wants to see it otherwise he'd just delete it.

The abusive stuff that was going on previously has lessened to about 95%. Though there have been times where he has said some things that were not at all nice, and in public at that. Though I have also seen things that have progressively snuck in again. He seems quite cold at times, and very rarely shows he cares. Most of the time he doesn't wear his wedding band (I no longer have one due to both it and my engagement ring being stolen) I had been considering leaving for sometime before and it was only a situation back at home that convinced me the timing was right and it was basically my only chance. He lied to me before we were married about wanting to live where I am from, but he admitted to me that that was BS so I would come to the US. Its not like my family can afford to visit me in the US either. I hadn't seen any of them for 16 years before I went home.

I do feel like I've put up with much more than I should with everything. I'm not really prepared to live in a sexless marriage, but feel I don't have any choice. We've moved to 8 different states, not to mention the several (yet minor) times in each state we've moved, all because of 'problems' he'd had at work. He's been fired twice, other times he got out because 'someone was out to get him', which he now regrets. He is in a white collar professional industry, so its not like he would appear (and doesn't) to anyone that he is anything but a nice person.

One of my friends in another state tells me all the time that I am way too patient. I do have one foot out the door already. The problem is, I don't work, I can't seem to find a job (I do have qualifications and a degree), as mentioned before, no family here. It would cost me $1700 just for one of us to move back home. Oldest is now a HS senior and the other is finally doing very well in school, in grade 9 (freshman). So moving now, would completely disrupt the girls and I am kicking myself for coming back half the time. We mostly returned because the girls missed their dad and our pet dog, but other than that, because he promised to change, but also I got the feeling that he realized he would end up being a very lonely old man, and just wanted us around for status. Though he never admits to any of that.

I'm really stuck on what to do with anything really. Any further advice would be very much appreciated

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think this is sad, when someone controls someone's life, lies to them until the "catch" the prize.

I understand it's been difficult for you, children. Especially now, to try to up-root them from their friends, study.

So many years get wasted.

If you want something so bad you find the way. Start working on a resume, take any job in reality and start saving, have a goal a mission.

You are still right to worry, he may or may not do any harm to his own children and not trying at all to scare you but are you sure there are no hidden cameras or holes in the walls, ceiling small? It just doesn't sit right with me, he wanting "one" of your children to remain. BUT it's still a worry in my books full stop, teenagers have a right to grow up not be google eyed by predators.

[Stillness]

Sex can can cover over a multitude of ills. It's a good thing for a wife and her husband to do. It bonds, like concrete in a brick house. If you stack your bricks without binding them together, you shouldn't be puzzled if your walls start collapsing. Let's not pretend that the porn is completely unrelated to the lack in your bedroom.

I'm not blaming you. And I'm not saying that sex is a cure all. But it comes closer to being one than just about anything I know. Sometimes I'm stressed, there's friction between my wife and me, we're not communicating, and my eyes linger too long where they shouldn't. If I think back to the last time we made love, it's been too long. Sometimes it's even hard to get back on track when it's been a while. But once we do it's amazing! It's like our relationship has had new life breathed into it. We're clicking again. We're confiding in each other. We're working as a team. The cute coworker is somehow not as intriguing. We've still got problems, but they're somehow not so bad. I don't know why that works. It's a blessing from God, in my eyes.