[rcoreyus]

You are being reasonable, I'm just trying to think through why he might act like this. My thought is that he is feeling depressed and worthless because he can't get a job. When he is job searching on the computer he at least feels he is trying - even if that doesn't take anything like full time. Housework makes him feel even more useless (maybe he also views it as "women's work"???).

Is there something he can do with his time to feel more valued (to himself), then he might feel less bad about doing random work around the house.

Just thinking out loud here. He SHOULD be doing the work, just trying to figure out the best way to motivate him.

[trcklvr8504]

My husband as well is inconsistent with housework. Sometimes though my husband will get bursts on his own to be overly helpful (VERY rare) or will actually do his chores without being asked...I think usually because he is guilted by someone else (his or my parents or SO's of my girlfriends). I think when other males point it out to him how easy he has it he takes some initiative. Also, he sees how relaxed I become when chores are completed so sometimes I think this makes him want to help out more.

How was your husband raised? Mine had a stay at home mom and unfortunately his effects how he views my role in the home.

[HerHusband]

My wife does all of the cleaning and laundry. We don't cook much. I do all of the repairs/cars/yard etc. I will help put away laundry and vacuum but I learned early in our marriage of many years I don't do many housecleaning things to suit her. So I let her and she is OK with it. I make up for it in other ways. AND I was a single guy on my own when we married. I can do laundry well as taught by my mom years ago and keep an apartment fairly clean. My wife was living at home when we married and her mom did virtually all her laundry and the other housework.
When we got married she ruined more of my clothes than I care to think about. I didn't give her grief other than a little mild teasing which she finds funny to this day. We don't have kids so that makes this easier but its a point of pride with her. AND we both work full time. Find balance and worry about the bigger things.

[CheekyNess]

HH, I'm really glad that your wife takes pride in all that she does around the house, and that she let's you get many breaks from chores (by her own choice). I also agree with you in your point of finding a balance; that is important. However, to tell someone to worry about the bigger things seems a little harsh. Maybe this is a pretty big thing to SP, as well as others out there, myself included. I second some comments about being the one in the house to do most things (most of the cleaning, 95% of the yard work, 90% of the cooking, and looking after the dogs). Honestly, if I didn't do these things, they wouldn't get done because hubs can't see what's directly in front of his nose (example: I was gone for a few hours, the dogs were really antsy upon my getting back home. I could see that they needed outside, and hubs, while he loves them and told me he's a dog-lover in general, cannot read the signs of animals. His reply: "ohhh... that's why they were uppity and wouldn't leave me alone). All while he's enjoying some quality facebook time! :-S

So yes, I get it when someone says that they need more help around the house without hounding the other person. However, hounding/nagging is unfortunately, what ends up happening in many cases.

Find balance and worry about the bigger things.

[Archer]

I can somewhat understand what you're going through.

I was married for a few years to someone who was unemployed for about 95% of our marriage, who for the life of her, and all the hours allotted to her day, could not lift a single finger around the house.

The dishes would pile up in the sink, all over the counter, the laundry would overflow out of the hamper into large disgusting piles in the bathroom...one time there was a flower pot that got knocked over, and I literally waited 2-3 weeks to see if she would get off her *** and clean up the dirt that spilled out of it, going to work and coming home every day to still see the pile (and everything else in the house) completely untouched, eventually just taking care of it myself.

I would come home after work, around 4-5, and she would be in her pajamas, eating cheerios, watching Netflix. Every day. One could say that this woman was seriously depressed, and that not being able to have a job was part of it. But then she would turn around and tell me that she needed help with housework. Yeahhhh....

So I definitely understand your frustration. Bottom line, is that he is obviously depressed. Second, he has stopped hearing your voice, or any form of communication you have chosen to express this concern in.

You deserve to have someone who helps you carry the weight, instead of heaping more of it onto you. That's what the term "partner" means. I think a neutral third party, a.k.a. a counselor, is the only thing that will help the two of you reestablish communication, and start nailing down some expectations.

If you don't take care of it, trust me, it will eat you alive, and bleed out into every other aspect of your marriage, until you are disgusted to even see his face. My advice = counseling.

[Trixareforkids]

The way it works for us is that whomever it annoys first cleans it, no complaining (ok a tiny bit of complaining is ok occasionally). We've made various deals over the years that worked for a while then petered out, chores are something that require periodic re-negotiation. One of my pet peeves is the hubby leaving the dish sponge wet and greasy, it drives me batty, but it's MY problem, not HIS and I don't take it out on him because what would be the point? Although I believe it's not usually the big things that break up a marriage but the 10s or 100s of small things done over and over and over again, it's REALLY people's refusal to take ownership of their own irritation. When I grab a wet/gross sponge I will mumble/curse and either throw it away or if it's salvageable I'll wring and rinse it, I'm annoyed, but the annoyance is MINE and has nothing to do with hubby's habit of leaving the wet sponge, it doesn't annoy HIM, so it's MY problem. Along with that is the tactic agreement not to push each other's buttons when we are annoyed.

If you are stressed out because you feel there's too much to do, then it's time to change your expectations, let some chores go for longer periods of time, set time limits for your kids homework (whatever they can't finish in a certain time frame just doesn't get done, this will also reduce THEIR stress). You are stressing yourself out, not your husband. I know it's not easy to let go but it's a choice YOU can make to make yourself happier or at least less stressed.

Talk to your husband about it, especially if he's having a serious bout of depression, and tell him that you can't do it all and you're relaxing your standards/expectation of yourself and the changes it will mean for the household. Now when it comes to working at home, there you have to just completely ignore the things that don't involve your work when you're working, including your kids, if they come to you it's got to be a clear but non-accusatory brush off. "I'm working, give me a quick kiss/hug and go see Daddy for whatever you needed." or something along those lines. Your family will adapt and if you are less stressed they will be too, even if the house is messier.

[DreamP346]

If you are stressed out because you feel there's too much to do, then it's time to change your expectations, let some chores go for longer periods of time, set time limits for your kids homework (whatever they can't finish in a certain time frame just doesn't get done, this will also reduce THEIR stress). You are stressing yourself out, not your husband. I know it's not easy to let go but it's a choice YOU can make to make yourself happier or at least less stressed.

Talk to your husband about it, especially if he's having a serious bout of depression, and tell him that you can't do it all and you're relaxing your standards/expectation of yourself and the changes it will mean for the household. Now when it comes to working at home, there you have to just completely ignore the things that don't involve your work when you're working, including your kids, if they come to you it's got to be a clear but non-accusatory brush off. "I'm working, give me a quick kiss/hug and go see Daddy for whatever you needed." or something along those lines. Your family will adapt and if you are less stressed they will be too, even if the house is messier.

Trixareforkids, I understand what you are saying, but it's not the small things that are making me tired, it's the big things. There are some things I cannot let go. These are the things no one should let go. I am not a neat freak, but I refuse to live in filth. I cannot sleep in the same bed sheets for other a month (yes that happened when I didn't change them). I cannot have my children watching hours of TV on a school night. That is not the way I want to raise my kids, something we both decided we didn't want. I cannot use a toilet with pee stains on it. I cannot have dirty pots sitting in the sink for 2 days. These are not things to compromise on. I would rather work myself to death, then live that way. It's not living if I live in filth.

This relationship is a partnership. It should involve equal give and take. Yes, I compromise constantly. I have my own little quarks too, but I do not expect the my whole to accommodate them. I live the dishes loaded in the dishwasher a certain way. I never make anybody follow my method. If it bothers me, I will rearrange the dishes. But the dishes have to be washed. That is not an option. That is not a compromise. We cannot eat on dirty dishes.

[Claret]

SP346, I don't know that I've read anywhere how old your children are? But no matter. You and your husband are shaping their views on marriage, living together, house cleaning and standards, all by what you are doing today. If your husband is a slob then it is very likely that your children will pick up those traits. We are, what we are taught after all. It is never too early to get your children involved. They could start by making their beds. It doesn't matter if it's made well or not, just that they've attempted to do so. Same with your husband. It matters not how he loads the dishwasher, only that he does so. Let him do it his way and you bite your tongue, because the end result is that the dishes are clean and put in the cupboard. Compromise on the little things and then you can tackle these larger issues. Ask your husband to come and help you change the sheets on the bed, and while they're off ask him to put the load of sheets into the washer. Thank him. It doesn't matter if he uses too much soap or too little fabric softener.

When my kids were in their early teens and were watching TV I'd bring in a load of dry clothing from the dryer, dump it on the sofa, and ask everyone to help me fold it. It got done in no time and wasn't a big issue for anybody. If I had asked one of them to do it, the laundry would still be sitting there.

I should also say we always lived in a big house, 4 bedrooms, office, living room, dining room, kitchen, family room, games room and 3 bathrooms. I have very high standards and actually have been called Mrs. Clean on occasion, but I never made a big deal out of a mess. It cleans up after all.

The more important things are your children and your relationship with your husband. The rest can just wait and will. You may have to bite your tongue.

[Trixareforkids]

I agree with Claret, your kids are learning about relationships from you and your husband, how you treat your husband and children is how they learn how people should be treated. Also if your kids are old enough for homework they are old enough for chores. It's not easy, I still struggle with it, but if you want to have less stress you have to accept the reality of your situation and change what you CAN control and little by little let go of the rest. Your kids will be fine as long as you love them and treat them well no matter how much or little tv they watch.

I hope you find a way to be less stressed, I know it's not something you can turn off but you can get there.

[DreamP346]

I just want to clarify, my kids do have chores. Probably more than most kids these days. When I clean, I also have them clean. They feed their dogs, vacuum, mop, etc.

Also, like I mentioned before, I don't criticize what my husband does even if it doesn't meet my standards (see my notes about cooking, etc) unless it is a major issue. Agreeing to raise children in a minimal screen environment and then turning on the TV for them each time he doesn't want to deal with them is unacceptable. He seems to love boasting to everybody how we limit TV for the kids, but is constantly letting them watch TV, sometimes even before they have done their homework. That I have to say something about.

I'm sorry if I sound grouchy, but I keep getting advice to let the little things go (these are not little things), to compromise (which I have already done), to get kids involved (which I have already said I do), to not criticize him for the way he cleans (which I have already said I don't do). Marriage/family/household is a partnership. I am not his mother. I shouldn't have to constantly ask him to help. If I am on my hands and knees scrubbing the toilet and the kids are vacuuming their rooms, any reasonable partner would chip in without being asked. If he is playing games on the computer while I am cleaning, that makes me want to rip his head. And believe me, that has happened enough times. Now that he is working, he is always too busy. Well you know what, so am I. We BOTH agreed to have kids. We BOTH agreed to buy a huge house. If I can find time in the week to clean after putting in 60-70 work hours per week, so does he. And he shouldn't only clean when things get really nasty.