[jns]

Since requesting a vanilla night for myself once a week isn't really a hardship for him I have requested more thoughtfulness or helping out around the house from him more since I think it will help me find him more "attractive" and maybe make me want to have more sex in general without having it feel like a chore.

I've been posting on these boards for a few years now and I've yet to see where trading more help around the house has translated into more enthusiasm for sex by the person wanting sex the least in a relationship. It does take the issue about unevenness in the relationship off of the table, though.

Your situation about sex is not unique. There are a lot of cases that are similar to yours posted and there are a lot of cases where the roles are reversed posted. Some are posted by the partner who wants sex the most, others are posted by the partner that wants sex the least. Longer term relationships seem to be common. This is probably because shorter term relationships break up more often when sexual incompatibility is encountered, thus ending the problem. Almost always there is at least one partner who won't compromise and often won't listen to input from others.

I hope what Stillness found as a solution will be useful to you. Good luck.

[atskitty2]

Yes, please keep updating. I, for one, really enjoy reading the progress, or lack of, with the situations here. Thanks!

[Stillness]

I'm really torn on the horny mate getting more sex when they do more housework. A few months ago I would have said it's not so. But I recall a study being done saying that it is. It wasn't a dramatic increase...once more a month if I remember correctly. But, if a couple is having sex only a few times every month, that can be substantial.

In my case housework was a complaint early on in our marriage. When I complained about sex my wife would complain about an imbalance with housework. It drove me up a wall.

Eventually I responded by doing more. Our sexlife was still lacking. It felt like a carrot on a stick. This made me more resentful when I realized it. I concluded that housework and sex were unrelated, just like I always thought. But i also realized that my wife is not my slave or my mother. Besides that, I started to like the independence of cooking my own food and appreciating a cleaner house. Over the years the situation has progressed to the point where I actually do most of the housework. It's insane.

Does my wife appreciate it? Absolutely! Do we have more sex? WAY more! Am I a believer? I don't know. Correlation does not equal causation. There are a lot of moving parts in a relationship. But I do more housework and I have more sex. Go figure.

[atskitty2]

I like the statement, "correlation does not equal causation".
I think part if is our love language...oh lord, did I really just refer to a self-help book? Yes, I think I did...

A friend of mine is very deeply touched by her boyfriend doing things for her. Once, without request, he took her car for detailing, hired a maid to clean the house top to bottom & ordered dinner. When she came home from work on a Saturday evening, she was blushing, according to him, and very touched by his thoughtfulness. Thoughtfulness. To him, he just paid someone to do some work. To her, that was about 6-8 hours of work that she no longer had to do...it was a relief to her to have a clean home, clean car & dinner cooked, and she could relax the rest of that evening, and on her Sunday off...watching football...with HIM....I never heard any details about that Sunday evening, but from the goofy looks on both their faces, I can imagine. He told me he HATES doing those things. She always carries more weight around the house, and he isn't willing to give more...so this was his way of telling her (in my opinion) that he appreciates it, it isn't unnoticed & I enjoy the benefits of all you do too.

I think it's a matter of giving...thinking of what would mean something to our partner rather than what means something to ourselves. What my girlfriend's mate did meant absolutely nothing to him-just spending some money...but he recognized that it would mean something to her. I don't even think he had any motives to achieve a sexual reward, but I think when most women are esteemed, valued (our time, efforts, & contributions) they reciprocate by speaking most men's love language, which is sex.

Now, in fairness, I think men long for that same consideration but are much more subtle about it.