Is my husband a homophobe?

[chaya]

We recently invited Kiyomi, a lady friend of mine from school, to stay with us. She will be helping take care of my daughter while I work nights. Today me and my husband were talking and joking around, I asked him if he could keep his hands off Kiyomi while I was at work. He laughed and said he would never cheat on me. I then told him I wasn't worried because Kiyomi is gay. He was taken aback, kind of shocked. He said I should have told him that before inviting her to stay with us. I asked him if her being gay made any difference and he said no but he didn't sound like he meant it.

He denies being a homophobe but I don't fully believe him. Now that I think about it, I remember him saying things against gay's in his work. I wonder what he would say if he found out that I once had a homosexial encounter with Kiyomi and another lady. I'm tempted to tell him just to see his reaction.

[jns]

From your description of your husband, his mother and his upbringing along with his work makes me believe that he could well be a homophobe.

I would keep information about your same sex encounter to yourself. In a way I wonder why you brought it up since it wasn't central to the understanding of her abilities to take care of Misako. Maybe it was a way to make Kiyomi less available due to a belief your husband would cheat if the circumstances were right.

Another way to look at this is that Kiyomi was a former lover. I think many would object to a former lover of their spouse being brought in to take care of the couple's child. I hope that things go along perfectly and no blow-ups occur which could lead to your husband finding out a lot which he truly doesn't wish to know.

On the other hand, knowing that Kiyomi is lesbian may make him work harder at being able to take care of Misako on his own.

[jen1447]

Hm, this is indeed a stumper, mainly because of the involvement of the kids and the fact that your relationship is not casual. On the one hand, telling him about your threesome with those girls (it almost sounds like you want to tease him a bit with that, honestly) could be trouble, because if he is indeed a homophobe, he could blow his stack knowing that his wife of all people violated this 'standard' he holds dear. I don't really know either of you but that has the potential to wreck things. A way to illustrate it is this ....setting aside the foolishness of homophobia for a moment and just accepting the associated emotions, imagine that you discovered he had murdered someone before you met. That would probably throw you for a loop. Now murder and sex are not the same thing, and being skeptical of a murderer is justified while being skeptical of a homosexual person is not, but again the emotions run in the same general direction.

Anyway, aside from that, it seems like your sexual relationship with Kiyomi is something he should be entitled to know. I'm assuming your relationship is typical in that you don't each have detailed histories of past sex partners, but in this case, as jns said, the children are involved. Put it this way - if I had kids and my BF was getting a sitter for them and she happened to be someone he had slept with before, I'd want to know that and would feel deceived if I didn't and found out later.

I guess what you were really asking here tho (sorry lol) was about homophobia, and so to answer that, yes it sounds like he could be.

[Stillness]

Chaya, please take what I say as a desire to have things go well for you. You're one of my favorite members here and I probably would just be silent if you weren't.

Bringing someone you cheated on your husband with into your home to care for your child is one of the most horrible and dangerous things I can think of. I used to think that I would never forgive a cheater, but as I got older and more experienced, I recognize that some issues aren't black and white. I think that the circumstances under which you cheated would call for some understanding.

But the move you're making now can be perceived as making a fool of your husband. People typically respond to betrayal on that level very poorly. When this all happened you had decided you wouldn't tell him. Now you're not only moving this lady in, but you're tempted to tell him to get a reaction?! What's going on, Chaya? It sounds like you're playing Russian roulette with your marriage.

He's saying he'd never cheat on you and he probably thinks the same about you. How do you think he'd react if you rocked his world with a revelation like that?

[rcoreyus]

I assumed that Chaya's encounter was before she was married, and not cheating.

[catwoman]

Stillness, I didn't read anywhere that she cheated with this other woman. I would keep that to myself though, so he doesn't get any wrong idea that maybe she would cheat. I think it would only cause fights.

[DreamP346]

Chaya, I completely agree with Stillness. Usually, from your posts, I think that your husband is not being understanding, not a good husband, not a good adult, etc. And his reaction to this woman being a lesbian is probably unrecognized homophobia (most people won't actively go out there protesting, but they do harbor homophobic ideas however they don't like being labeled as homophobic because these days its not cool to be homophobic). However, bringing a previous sexual partner into the house to care for our child without disclosing would be seen as a huge betrayal. I have very liberal views on sex (no problem with open marriage, etc), but I would consider that a huge betrayal.

This situation could go bad really fast, the type that ends marriages. Many people on the forum are going to give you different advice. You will have to decide what is best for you. This is what I would recommend:
Don't tell your husband the truth. You definitely risk ending your marriage, and the relationship between your husband and this woman will be very cold. Not the atmosphere you want to raise a child.
Talk to your friend and ask her to leave. Tell your husband that it's just not going to work out with this woman.

[chaya]

My encounter with Kiyomi and her friend was not a relationship, we were NOT lovers. It was a one time, spur of the moment thing. I was looking for a solution to my loss of libiito and wanted to see it I could get aroused through oral sex. That was the first and only time I ever had oral sex. I didn't like it and the only emotion I experienced was embarrassment. Later I talked it over with Kiyomi and she understands that I am not and probably never will be a lesbian. We are still friends but that's all. After it happened I didn't even consider it as cheating but everyone else did so I guess I am a cheater.

When I said I was tempted to tell him I never intended to do so. I know it would just hurt him and everyone involved. I'm tempted to do a lot of things that I never would actually do.

I believe my husband is a homophobe by my standards, however, by his religious standards he is not. It is my belief that ANY sex is permitted as long as it does not harm oneself or others. Most buddhists believe that way with the possible exception of Tibetan Buddhists. The Dalai Lama teaches that only sex that penetrates the vagina is permitted. My husband has that same belief.

The advice I have received here over the years is almost always right. So I should not have invited Kiyomi to live with us. But done is done and if it turns out bad I will be responsible and have to live with the outcome.

Thanks everyone for your interest, concern and advice.

[Stillness]

I didn't label you a cheater. To me, there's a big difference between someone who does something in a moment of desperation and someone who habitually does it.

I just remember you deciding that you weren't going to tell him and someone mentioning that the truth has a way of coming out. Now out of all the people in the world you could choose, you're moving the very person you did this with into your home to provide care to your child.

And I understand what you mean by temptation now, but it seems that your action and the thought of getting a reaction from him speaks of some underlying contempt or resentment against your husband. I don't think this is normal. You should at least be in touch with your feelings on this. It's like finding out your husband had an incident with a stripper on a drunken night out vs. finding out he pursued and succeeded in having relationship with one of your family members in your bed every time you go grocery shopping. Some violations are weakness and others show a willful, aggressive disrespect.

Then there are just so many ways these arrangements can go wrong. People feel that they aren't compensated or cared for properly or that boundaries are crossed. Then trusted relationships sour and people are looking for ammunition to strike out. You're giving her a fully loaded weapon should things ever go sideways.

[Claret]

My encounter with Kiyomi and her friend was not a relationship, we were NOT lovers. It was a one time, spur of the moment thing. I was looking for a solution to my loss of libiito and wanted to see it I could get aroused through oral sex. That was the first and only time I ever had oral sex. I didn't like it and the only emotion I experienced was embarrassment. Later I talked it over with Kiyomi and she understands that I am not and probably never will be a lesbian. We are still friends but that's all. After it happened I didn't even consider it as cheating but everyone else did so I guess I am a cheater.

When I said I was tempted to tell him I never intended to do so. I know it would just hurt him and everyone involved. I'm tempted to do a lot of things that I never would actually do.

I believe my husband is a homophobe by my standards, however, by his religious standards he is not. It is my belief that ANY sex is permitted as long as it does not harm oneself or others. Most buddhists believe that way with the possible exception of Tibetan Buddhists. The Dalai Lama teaches that only sex that penetrates the vagina is permitted. My husband has that same belief.

The advice I have received here over the years is almost always right. So I should not have invited Kiyomi to live with us. But done is done and if it turns out bad I will be responsible and have to live with the outcome.

Thanks everyone for your interest, concern and advice.

Chaya, there are many people that would say "confession is good for the soul". Unfortunately or fortunately I'm not one of them. I believe that what people say about you must tell your SO about having an indiscretion is so wrong and in many ways all it does is serve to hurt the person you're telling. If you don't want to hurt your husband, then don't tell. You must keep this to yourself forever. If there is guilt involved then you keep that to yourself as well. There is no need to burden your husband unless this becomes a habitual affair. If you were going out and having affairs all over the place, then you owe him the courtesy of a) leaving first or b) telling him and letting him decide if he stays or if he goes.

A one time indiscretion?? You could be ruining a long term marriage by telling - I'd be against it.

[jen1447]

My encounter with Kiyomi and her friend was not a relationship, we were NOT lovers. It was a one time, spur of the moment thing. I was looking for a solution to my loss of libiito and wanted to see it I could get aroused through oral sex. That was the first and only time I ever had oral sex. I didn't like it and the only emotion I experienced was embarrassment. Later I talked it over with Kiyomi and she understands that I am not and probably never will be a lesbian. We are still friends but that's all. After it happened I didn't even consider it as cheating but everyone else did so I guess I am a cheater.

I think the "probably" there is pretty significant - means you're not actually sure. Given that, will you be able to keep your hands off her?

I disagree a little with Claret ....not saying something about an unknown past discretion that is dead and buried is one thing, but withholding pertinent info relevant to a current ongoing situation strikes me as being actively deceptive.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

My Grandmother once told me.... "We all have skeletons in our closet." And that is what they are skeletons of a past, of a life lesson, lesson learnt.

You have to know of Chaya's life from before marriage to know to understand that some skeletons can live where they belong, behind closed doors never to be open..

In my opinion, it was not an experiment of lust, rather one of trying to find sexuality and not for herself but for her husband for her future and as such, it's one of those situations that remain in the "different" zone.

To hurt someone when your intentions were good? Best to leave it where it lies, behind that closed closet door.

[Claret]

My only thoughts were that if it only were going to serve the purpose of hurting Chaya's husband, if it wasn't going to do anything else, then why should she tell him?

[atskitty2]

Chaya, you never explicitly stated whether this encounter happened before or after marriage. From the info, I am inclined to think it was before marriage?

I am generally all for 100% disclosure and open communication. In this case, however, I think it best to keep this to yourself. The window of opportunity has passed. I think openness from the beginning was the ideal, and now it's just a big liability.

I agree with the idea that y'all have some unhealthy stuff going on, maybe a passive aggressive type of thing with you. I have read your other posts and I think it fits.
No criticism intended.

I agree that it's best to find another helper. This just screams "drama waiting", it's just a matter of time.

[jen1447]

My only thoughts were that if it only were going to serve the purpose of hurting Chaya's husband, if it wasn't going to do anything else, then why should she tell him?

I'd say because lying to a spouse harms them and the marriage in and of itself, where honesty and trust and transparency and more important than anything. The truth is never really a bad thing - unpleasant sure, but not bad. I'd say it's even better to end the marriage than live it with lies, because a marriage protected by lies is no marriage at all. And deception masquerading as kindness or protection is ultimately just self-serving. And there's no 'me' in marriage. And lots of other clever sayings, sorry.

I do understand all the caveats that have been mentioned tho, and I've never been married myself so I'm probably talking out my bum.