[jen1447]

My encounter with Kiyomi and her friend was not a relationship, we were NOT lovers. It was a one time, spur of the moment thing. I was looking for a solution to my loss of libiito and wanted to see it I could get aroused through oral sex. That was the first and only time I ever had oral sex. I didn't like it and the only emotion I experienced was embarrassment. Later I talked it over with Kiyomi and she understands that I am not and probably never will be a lesbian. We are still friends but that's all. After it happened I didn't even consider it as cheating but everyone else did so I guess I am a cheater.

I think the "probably" there is pretty significant - means you're not actually sure. Given that, will you be able to keep your hands off her?

I disagree a little with Claret ....not saying something about an unknown past discretion that is dead and buried is one thing, but withholding pertinent info relevant to a current ongoing situation strikes me as being actively deceptive.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

My Grandmother once told me.... "We all have skeletons in our closet." And that is what they are skeletons of a past, of a life lesson, lesson learnt.

You have to know of Chaya's life from before marriage to know to understand that some skeletons can live where they belong, behind closed doors never to be open..

In my opinion, it was not an experiment of lust, rather one of trying to find sexuality and not for herself but for her husband for her future and as such, it's one of those situations that remain in the "different" zone.

To hurt someone when your intentions were good? Best to leave it where it lies, behind that closed closet door.

[Claret]

My only thoughts were that if it only were going to serve the purpose of hurting Chaya's husband, if it wasn't going to do anything else, then why should she tell him?

[atskitty2]

Chaya, you never explicitly stated whether this encounter happened before or after marriage. From the info, I am inclined to think it was before marriage?

I am generally all for 100% disclosure and open communication. In this case, however, I think it best to keep this to yourself. The window of opportunity has passed. I think openness from the beginning was the ideal, and now it's just a big liability.

I agree with the idea that y'all have some unhealthy stuff going on, maybe a passive aggressive type of thing with you. I have read your other posts and I think it fits.
No criticism intended.

I agree that it's best to find another helper. This just screams "drama waiting", it's just a matter of time.

[jen1447]

My only thoughts were that if it only were going to serve the purpose of hurting Chaya's husband, if it wasn't going to do anything else, then why should she tell him?

I'd say because lying to a spouse harms them and the marriage in and of itself, where honesty and trust and transparency and more important than anything. The truth is never really a bad thing - unpleasant sure, but not bad. I'd say it's even better to end the marriage than live it with lies, because a marriage protected by lies is no marriage at all. And deception masquerading as kindness or protection is ultimately just self-serving. And there's no 'me' in marriage. And lots of other clever sayings, sorry.

I do understand all the caveats that have been mentioned tho, and I've never been married myself so I'm probably talking out my bum.

[rcoreyus]

I think the right answer depends on the people involved.

[Claret]

I'd say because lying to a spouse harms them and the marriage in and of itself, where honesty and trust and transparency and more important than anything. The truth is never really a bad thing - unpleasant sure, but not bad. I'd say it's even better to end the marriage than live it with lies, because a marriage protected by lies is no marriage at all. And deception masquerading as kindness or protection is ultimately just self-serving. And there's no 'me' in marriage. And lots of other clever sayings, sorry.

I do understand all the caveats that have been mentioned tho, and I've never been married myself so I'm probably talking out my bum.

Normally people confess to ease their own conscience and to seek forgiveness. What they really are asking is for the other person to forgive and to tell them (either now or in the future) "don't worry about it, it's ok". Then they can merrily go on their way thinking no harm has been done. My thoughts are if your don't confess and don't seek forgiveness from the other person, then you have to shoulder all the guilt and work towards forgiving yourself on their behalf. If they don't need to know, you don't need to tell.

[Stillness]

It looks like Chaya is done here so this thread hijack has nothing to do with her situation.

Count me in on the side of honesty being the best policy. In christian thought, which I adhere to, there is a principle of entitlement to truth. If you're doing the right thing and someone makes themselves an enemy, they're not entitled to the truth. So you can withhold it from them and even decieve them.

On the other hand, when someone is entitled to the truth, even withholding it from them is wrong, let alone lying. I believe this to be ideal aside from spirituality, so even if I wasn't a Christian, I'd go with it.

A spouse has a high entitlement to truth because two move as one on a deeper level than any other relationship. In the vast majority of cases there is an understanding of fidelity and exclusivity - vows are often taken to that effect. And the relationship functions on high levels of trust and intimacy.

Violation is not contingent on knowledge. If you cheat the intimacy is affected even if the other person doesn't know. You've created a rift. They're entitled to know. Yes, there is forgiveness of onesself, but theres also the matter of repairing the marriage. Healing has to come from both people or the innocent mate should have the right to choose to walk. Withholding that from them can be as bad, or worse, than the initial act.

This is something I struggle with because I want my wife's help dealing with a mistake I made while we were in an off period before we got married. I think she would be hurt by it, so I've withheld it from her. She's not entitled to it because it was during a break-up, but is she entitled to know because I feel guilty and sad? I don't know. I hate it when she's jealous.

[chaya]

Kiyomi is already here. We (me and hubby) helped her move in the last of her stuff last night. He was a little cold toward her at first, probably because of her being gay, but they are getting along fine now. She is a Buddhist like me, that's one reason why we get along so well. The one time indiscretion is over and I'm sure it will never happen again.

Her stay is only until the school year ends, then she will be going home. She may come back next year to work on her MSN degree but she hasn't decided yet. I would like to go back to school to get a MSN and DNP degree but it will probable never happen.

Some of you asked if my indiscretion with her was while I was married, the answer is yes. I've been over this before but at the time I didn't consider it cheating. Later I learned it was considered cheating. I have never lied to my husband about this because the subject never came up. If he ever asks me if I had sex with Kiyomi, I would have to say yes. The likelihood of him ever asking that is zero.

Next Saturday I'm going to a day of reflection (day of medication and reconfirmation) at Yokoji Zen center. I'll have to hurry home because Saturday will be my first night of work. I'm really worried about that, I have my RN license but have never worked as a nurse.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I have my RN license but have never worked as a nurse.

Congrats hun. Don't worry about it, it will come natural to you, you studied for it, you will be fine....