Women's Health Interactive Forums

  • If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Marriage issues

Collapse
X
Collapse
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Originally posted by rcoreyus View Post
    Now the other topic - Sex.
    Sex needs to be good in a marriage or things simply won't work - you will end up missing good sex and either feeling resentful for what you can't have, or cheating. I may have lost track in the discussion - is he trying to do what you want in bed, but just isn't very good at it yet, or does he not care? I think this is a very important question. I'm also a bit concerned his last girlfriend found sex "painful" - was it her, or is he just clumsy, or rough - this sounds too much like what you are describing? Couldn't they have found other intimate things to do?
    Yep, already there! My drive is really high, and I miss the good stuff. Honestly, I do think he tries to please me in bed, but just seems to fall short. I'm not talking about an orgasm on my part (I've never actually orgasmed with a man; only by myself). He is quite clumsy, and seems to think that strange things are sexy (like telling me to "come to Daddy". Seriously, I just picture my Dad, and while I love my Dad, I certainly don't in that fashion, and it isn't a turn on at all!). He also has never really been one to explore himself or watch porn (explore other styles, etc). We bought the kama sutra book, but that only seems to come out in dire circumstances (ie., when it's been 2-3 weeks). All in all, I think he tries, and I think he wants to please me, but I just don't think he knows how due to lack of experience.

    As for his last girlfriend who found sex painful... I don't know if it was her or his doing in bed; I never asked. He did make it sound like it was her though. As for other intimate things to do... again, I've never asked! :-S

    Comment


    • If you think he wants to please you, then I think you can probably teach him. Difficult to know where he got his ideas of sex -maybe he watched porn in the past, or read penthouse letters, or something. His words / actions "come to daddy", pinching nipples, vaguely suggest someone who had seen low grade porn, and has nothing else to go on.

      Do you think he is not interested in trying new things in bed, or is too shy / self-conscious to saw what he wants? Does he tell you to stop if you try something new? Otherwise does he let you take the lead in bed, or does he have a clear set of things (however dull) that he wants to do.

      Have you tried watching any erotic (maybe not hard core porn) movies with him? Maybe even porn, but not the standard repetitive commercial junk. Just a thought - maybe he would never consider it.

      Kama Sutra isn't a great starting place - it includes a lot of exotic positions etc that may not be that much fun for most people. Back in the Pleistocene when I was younger the "joy of sex" books were quite nice, I don't know if they still exist or if there is a modern equivalent. I say "nice" because thy included the basics, but also enough more exotic treats to be interesting even to someone with experience, but stayed away from anything that would be off-putting to most people.

      I always have trouble putting myself into the mindset of someone who doesn't want to try new things in bed.

      Its worth working very hard to fix this - if you enjoy each other in bed, a lot of the other problems will seem a lot less important.

      Comment


      • Yep, I agree, but in this case, this isn't so. Hubs ate out for lunches almost everyday before he moved in, and still does occasionally, but I seldom ever have, and have opted for cooking instead. And, his rent before at his Mom's house was really, really low.

        As for his Mom being the big winner in our marriage, I'm not so sure, and since she feels like she lost a son (she still doesn't see me as a daughter-in-law; but as the family friend yet). But, I know that she did baby him while he lived there, by not letting him do things (his words; not mine). He would go to make a meal, clean, whatever, and she would tell him he was doing it wrong, and proceed to take over. Hence why it took me a really long time to get him to help with anything. He learns by observing, so that's what he would do: observe me cutting the grass, pulling weeds, gardening, cleaning indoors. Until I got ripped off enough to tell him he needed to start pulling his weight.


        Originally posted by jns View Post
        I have to agree, money savings by living together often doesn't work out. It works out if before there was a lot of eating at restaurants and now eating at home with the same quality of food is taking place and also,there is compatibility of palates. It works out if both were living on their own in a place that a couple could live and now one of the rents is no longer being paid.

        It looks like a lot of your complaints are about things he doesn't do, the things his mother did for him while he lived at home. It seems like she has been the big winner in your marriage.

        Comment


        • Hey Alison,

          It is difficult, especially this early on, and both of us have said that had we known it would be this hard, we wouldn't have gotten married. What would make me happy, you ask? Honestly, the thing that would make me happiest right now is being able to get back to my life before marriage, when I had reached the point of contentment. I was doing well financially, was much happier, and had the freedom to do the things I enjoy without having to check in with hubs first. Heck, I couldn't even sign up for a series of exercise classes to up energy levels and keep me in shape, because he wanted me to find something that also fit into his schedule so we could spend evenings together. I want to continue travelling with my best girlfriend, as she is a great travel buddy! Hubs, not so much... he wants to do what he wants to do, and couldn't get his butt moving on the days I wanted to see a couple cool things on our honeymoon. We spent an entire day (like, 9am to nightfall) on top of Mauna Kea for him, but only got to spend about 45 minutes at my #1 destination on our honeymoon. Best friend and I divide things equally; we're both do-ers, and don't have a problem hitting the road early, spending 15 minutes getting ready and we're out the door to our next adventure! I want that back, but don't see how I can still travel with her while I'm married.

          Is that a selfish want? Oh yeah. But would it make me 110% happy? Ohhh yeah!

          At the moment, I'm staying with my parents while Mom is pet-sitting a dog who just had surgery (he's still able to get at the stitches even with a cone on). Mom isn't feeling well, and so I'm there to relieve her of things in the evenings. I also wanted her to get a good sleep, so I'm in charge of the dogs at night. I'm hoping that these couple days away will make the heart grow fonder, but really, I'm just enjoying my time away from my own home.

          Originally posted by AlisonW View Post
          Marriage isn't easy. It's about compromise. It must be difficult for you this early on in your marriage, You are over all the excitement and stress of the actual wedding so it's down to the humdrum. I don't think you should settle for this if you aren't happy. What would make you, just you, not hubs, happy? Think about that and see what your answer is! No one can make the decision for you, only offer advice. Have you spoken to him about it?

          Comment


          • Do it. Tell him you made a mistake, tell him its your fault, that you just were not ready for a long term commitment.

            Picture this in your mind -really imagine the scenario: He comes to you and says the same thing. Says he is sorry but he just isn't ready for this, and he wants to end it. How do you feel? Sad? Devastated? Or relieved, like a dark cloud has been removed from your life?

            If you are not happy, you are not doing him a favor by staying with him.




            [QUOTE=CheekyNess;365034]Hey Alison,

            <SNIP Honestly, the thing that would make me happiest right now is being able to get back to my life before marriage, when I had reached the point of contentment. SNIP>

            Comment


            • To go back a bit, at the very least, for god's sake tell him to quit with the "come to daddy" nonsense. It sounds like the prospects are already murky enough. Throw in permanent sexual creepiness and I think it's completely doomed.
              [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

              Comment


              • Hey Rcoreyus,

                Yes, he has a very unrealistic idea of the financial end of things for life. While he has lived on his own before, he had been living with his Mom for many years. Since we started talking about buying our own property together, he's said that we can start looking this summer. I've purchased 2 homes now, and know a bit about real estate, cost of living, etc., and knew that this was unrealistic. We sat down, hashed things out, and from what's currently going into our joint savings, we discerned that it will take us the better part of 6 years until we can purchase our own home.

                It sounds like you and your wife have a great system worked out, and I can hope that we can find something similar in the future!

                Living above our collective means might be right, although when I was living alone, I was able to handle the cost of living no problem. As for eating less meat, I don't think the hubs would go for that, as he likes to have meat with almost every meal. I have let him know though that I will not be going out for supper once a week like we have been. I also have cut back on our cable, as when he moved in, he wanted it bumped up from my basic cable (I don't watch much TV) to something a little fancier, which is costing me $35/month more. He offered to pay for it, then claimed that I had said, "no worries", which isn't the case, as I didn't want the added stations to begin with. He won't let those stations go, so I found a cheaper option that saves me about $20/month. I've also calculated the mortgage and bills, and found that I was paying waaay more than him a month, so he's going to kick in an additional $200/month for bills. I'm handling most of the mortgage, as his name isn't on the deed, and I'd rather do that anyways. His income is about $10K a year more than mine as well.

                I think that overall, you got the picture correct. He really does need to realize a few things about living in the real world, and that helping his wife out will go a long, long way. I also think this goes a long way in the fact that I have no interest in him in the bedroom; I'm too tired and stressed by the end of the day. Being physically attracted to him, and feeling emotionally close to him would also help though, I know.

                Comment


                • I would feel sad for awhile, I'm sure, but in the end, I feel like it would just be a big relief.

                  Quote from Rcoreyus:
                  Picture this in your mind -really imagine the scenario: He comes to you and says the same thing. Says he is sorry but he just isn't ready for this, and he wants to end it. How do you feel? Sad? Devastated? Or relieved, like a dark cloud has been removed from your life?

                  Comment


                  • Oh lordy, I'm glad that I'm not the only one who finds that disturbing! I chalk it up to the fact that his sexual experience was pretty much nil before we dated, but still, all I can picture is my own Dad (Daddy)!

                    Originally posted by jen1447 View Post
                    To go back a bit, at the very least, for god's sake tell him to quit with the "come to daddy" nonsense. It sounds like the prospects are already murky enough. Throw in permanent sexual creepiness and I think it's completely doomed.

                    Comment


                    • (ignoring for the moment my suggestion that you give up....)

                      His "offering to pay for it" made me wonder - how do you manage your finances. Keeping money separate seems reasonable, but then there are always questions on who pays for what, and (as some friends of mine found out) if one of you comes into a lot of money (family or job), then what? Combining money also seems reasonable but of course then everything you buy is costing the other person.

                      My wife and I settled on combining, but having a "fun budget". So we share almost all costs - but we each have a (equal) budget that we can use on anything we want. If we don't use it, we get to save it. Seems to work pretty well. We combined all our assets when we got married. I think this made her a little uneasy at first because I was very poor at the time, (graduate student), but over the years my income has gradually grown significantly larger than hers, so overall it has worked out pretty fairly for everyone. In the end though, over time peoples fortunes vary, so if you don't combine wealth its easy for someone to end up with an unfair deal.

                      Case in point: Couple we know got married long ago. Had similar incomes, decided to each pay "their share" of expenses. He suddenly made a ton of money working at a high-tech startup. He put his "lifetime share" of retirement money in an account. Put the rest where it generated enough income to pay his share of all expenses, and retired. So now she still works full time to pay "her share". He doesn't work, can travel where he wants, do what he wants. It is "fair" in the sense that they agreed to it and they are paying equal amounts - but over the years it sure "feels" unfair.


                      It sounds to me like you are keeping money separate, but not equally splitting things. This gets really complicated (and maybe ugly). You are paying most of the mortgage - but are you in a community property state? What about inheritances?

                      My $0.02: If you are ready to get married you should expect to share all financial assets and responsibilities. There may be special exceptions where there is a huge wealth difference - but even then I think the exception is just to avoid the appearance of being a gold-digger. Otherwise I think that if a couple isn't ready to split all their worldly assets, then they are not ready to be married.


                      In any case you can't live above your means. Though I hate doing it, maybe you can made a list of all the optional things (cable, fancier food, eating out, vacations, etc etc). You probably already have an idea of how much less you need to spend - so figure out which things can be cut .

                      Comment


                      • Hi Rcoreyus,

                        We agreed (and it's written up in our prenup) that what we come into the marriage with, we leave with if things go south. That means that my house stays mine, as does my vehicle. He just bought a new car; that stays his, and I have nothing to do with the payments because it also wasn't my decision to buy it. I'm unsure what a community property state is, but we live in Canada. Inheritances are also our own if/when we come into them (this is also in our prenup). One reason that I don't want him to pitch more money into the mortgage is that if things do go south, I will owe him whatever he contributed towards the mortgage for the duration of time we lived there together. Right now, he pays $400/month towards mortgage, and if we live there together for 6 years, and separate in the years following, I will owe him upwards of $28,000, and that is quite enough, in my opinion. I emailed my lawyer to see what she actually thought of this clause, and she hasn't gotten back to me as of yet. But, it makes me uneasy enough to find a place to rent ASAP. Hubs is quite fine to stay put, and thinks that moving will add more stress.

                        Originally posted by rcoreyus View Post
                        It sounds to me like you are keeping money separate, but not equally splitting things. This gets really complicated (and maybe ugly). You are paying most of the mortgage - but are you in a community property state? What about inheritances?

                        My $0.02: If you are ready to get married you should expect to share all financial assets and responsibilities. There may be special exceptions where there is a huge wealth difference - but even then I think the exception is just to avoid the appearance of being a gold-digger. Otherwise I think that if a couple isn't ready to split all their worldly assets, then they are not ready to be married. .

                        Comment


                        • CheekyNess, reading all your posts, I see 2 issues here.

                          #1: Your husband is too immature to be married. I know he is older, but is acting like a 20 year old. It's fine dating somebody like that, but marriage is an entirely different thing. You can either be his mother and take care of him (financially and emotionally); you can kick him out and tell him to come back once he learns to be a man; or hang in there and hope he changes (at his age, this is very unlikely).

                          #2: I don't think you are ready to be married. When you were describing things, I hear a lot of "I do," "I pay," "my expenses," etc. The biggest change with marriage, and sometimes the hardest to deal with, is that you go from "I" to "we." Even though the house belongs to you alone on paper, that is now both of your's home. When you spend more money on something, you are both spending, because there is less for you as a couple. I don't think you have grasped that concept nor are willing to embrace it. As long as you cannot let go of the "yours and mine" mentality, marriage will be a constant battle. It's not easy. That is why many marriages don't last and why many couples choose not to be get married. It's not for everybody. You need to be willing to sacrifice a portion of your independence and be willing to depend on another person. The older we get and the longer we have been independent, that can be harder. Also, if the other person isn't dependable, then that makes is harder. Think of marriage as a business deal (because that is really what it is). You combine your finances to reach a shared goal. You are business partners. Everything you do impacts the other person and therefore you cannot function in a silo. Clear communication, statements of interest, future planning, etc all need to be negotiated and discussed.

                          Unfortunately, I don't think either of you are ready of marriage. Is it possible to separate and go back to dating? There still seems to be a lot of communication issues that needs to be cleared up also. How can you expect to share the rest of your life with somebody if you can't even tell him to stop using a phrase that creeps you out. I don't think it's the end of the relationship, I think it just needs to be slowed down and you guys need to spend more time as adults living separately before making that huge leap of living together.
                          Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

                          Comment


                          • I'll post more later. I'm somewhere with really wretched internet this week.

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by CheekyNess View Post
                              Hi Rcoreyus,

                              We agreed (and it's written up in our prenup) that what we come into the marriage with, we leave with if things go south. That means that my house stays mine, as does my vehicle. He just bought a new car; that stays his, and I have nothing to do with the payments because it also wasn't my decision to buy it. I'm unsure what a community property state is, but we live in Canada. Inheritances are also our own if/when we come into them (this is also in our prenup). One reason that I don't want him to pitch more money into the mortgage is that if things do go south, I will owe him whatever he contributed towards the mortgage for the duration of time we lived there together. Right now, he pays $400/month towards mortgage, and if we live there together for 6 years, and separate in the years following, I will owe him upwards of $28,000, and that is quite enough, in my opinion. I emailed my lawyer to see what she actually thought of this clause, and she hasn't gotten back to me as of yet. But, it makes me uneasy enough to find a place to rent ASAP. Hubs is quite fine to stay put, and thinks that moving will add more stress.

                              So, if you split up, he basically will have lived in your house RENT FREE for whatever period of time he'll have been there? I find this ludicrous. Also, prenuptual agreements (in Canada) are only worth the paper they are printed on because we have other legislated laws that can and do negate any prenupt that you can come up with and the longer you are together the less likely it'll be worth anything.
                              That which we forget may as well never really happened.

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by Claret View Post
                                So, if you split up, he basically will have lived in your house RENT FREE for whatever period of time he'll have been there? I find this ludicrous. Also, prenuptual agreements (in Canada) are only worth the paper they are printed on because we have other legislated laws that can and do negate any prenupt that you can come up with and the longer you are together the less likely it'll be worth anything.
                                I need to add this re marriage contracts in Canada:

                                "Marriage contracts may deal with many different marital issues, including: ownership in or division of property; support obligations; the right to direct the education and moral training of their children; or any other matter in the settlement of the spouses’ affairs. Marriage contracts may not, however, deal with the right to custody of or access to the spouse’s children. A marriage contract also may not limit a spouse’s possessory rights in the matrimonial home.
                                "

                                See, your house has now become the matrimonial home and although you may retain a greater portion because of owning it prior to your marriage he has equal claim to it under the law. Where this will fall into play is they will determine the value of the house at the time of marriage, the value of the house at the time of divorce, you'll keep the value before marriage and you'll split the value at the time of divorce.

                                The biggest winners will be real estate agents and lawyers, and it probably would be cheaper for you just to split the house.

                                They can and do get you coming and going.
                                That which we forget may as well never really happened.

                                Comment

                                or

                                Womens Health orange logoGet The Newsletter

                                Receive our passionately crafted, medically reviewed articles and insights — the stuff nobody else talks about but you want to know — delivered right to your inbox.

                                Latest Activity On Our Forums

                                Collapse

                                • extended family sharing

                                  many use FB to share with extended family/friends
                                  I have no interest in FB, instagram, twitter, etc

                                  do miss secret lounge as a benefit...

                                  Yesterday, 09:02 PM By amy40
                                • Reply to Butt Eating

                                  So my last post in this thread says unapproved and I think it popped up something about it getting flagged as potential spam when I posted it last night....

                                  Yesterday, 07:30 AM By FeelingWeird
                                • Reply to Adding some spice- but what spices do I use?

                                  So I realize that this thread is quite old, but it just got bumped so I saw it and would like to add some things. Daffodils&Cream , if you are still...

                                  Yesterday, 07:12 AM By FeelingWeird
                                • Reply to Adding some spice- but what spices do I use?

                                  Start writing to him fantasy emails. My guy works out of town and I was at a lost for texting/sexing and I was always concerned of who might be around...

                                  04-10-2021, 08:07 PM By Amlc26
                                • Reply to Butt Eating

                                  Thanks for this! I am not huge on sticking things in there LOL, but I love external butt play, both giving and receiving. It feels so amazing, and I am...

                                  04-10-2021, 06:11 PM By FeelingWeird

                                Latest Topics On Our Forums

                                Collapse

                                • extended family sharing

                                  many use FB to share with extended family/friends
                                  I have no interest in FB, instagram, twitter, etc

                                  do miss secret lounge as a benefit...

                                  Yesterday, 09:02 PM By amy40
                                • Butt Eating

                                  So I kinda got roped into a debate elsewhere about whether or not women like eating men's asses. Curious if anyone here has any arguments for or against...

                                  04-06-2021, 07:26 AM By FeelingWeird
                                • How do I know? Menopause.

                                  I thought I was safe to go off birth control after a landmark birthday and no periods for a year. Then suddenly, the elevator scene from The Shining....

                                  04-04-2021, 03:19 PM By Wednesday L.F.
                                • Sex furniture and wedges?

                                  I’m curious to know if anybody is using any support wedges or sex furniture they like? My knees are stiff and painful these days, which is limiting...

                                  04-03-2021, 07:04 PM By Wednesday L.F.
                                • My Wife & Orgasm

                                  Hi Ladies,

                                  I've been doing some lurking and reading up on some previous posts, but have not found a definitive answer.

                                  Anyway,...

                                  03-19-2021, 01:15 PM By EmpyNester
                                Working...
                                X