Hi there, I'm looking for some thoughts and advice on my recent marriage. Oh boy, where to start?
We got engaged after 3 months of dating (we knew each other for years before that). The dating stage was really fun, stress-free and drama-free. We have a lot in common, and thought that we could see a bright future ahead. Planned a wedding, and have been married for just over 5 months now. Here are our issues:
Sex. While dating, we were very active in this regard, and both of us enjoyed it very much. Then the engagement happened, and we were thrown into a stressful situation. Our sex life dwindled as a result. I thought it would pick up once we were living together, but it didn't. I'm not overly attracted to him, physically. He's an alright-looking guy who takes care of himself well, but I just don't find him attractive. I'm one of those people who doesn't judge books by their cover, and I can look past appearance to get to know a person. These days, we do it once a week, if that. Sometimes it's once every 2 or 3 weeks. My drive is super-high, just not with him anymore. Before me, he only had sex once (he was 43 when we started dating). For some reason, I thought that I could teach him a few things about what I like, but those things never seem to stick; he doesn't remember. So, I've gotten my nipples pinched or bitten many times, and now make sure they're covered up. He doesn't like to try anything new in bed either, and it just ends up being the same old thing. Combine that with epic amounts of stress, and no attraction, and I have no interest at all.
Children. On date #1, I made it very clear to him that I wasn't interested at all in giving birth, but would be OK with adopting a child or 2 down the road. He said that was fine, and he would be OK with that. Now, he wants to try have one of our own. (I should say here that I'm 35; he's 44). With all of his issues, and the mental health issues that seem to run in his family, I'm scared to make a baby that might not have the best running chance in this world. Not to mention, I'm scared out of my wits to actually give birth.
Work. We both work full time. I hate my job; he's very passionate about his. I've been in my career for 16 years; this is his 5th year teaching as a uni prof. In November, we got up one leisurely Sunday morning, and he freaked out, saying that he didn't know if he could continue teaching because between teaching, marking, prepping, and home life, he was super-stressed. He said that he was going to ask for a leave the next day (unpaid because he isn't a full-time prof), and that he would just take on a menial job somewhere. This threw me for a loop, as prior to this, we had been doing really well getting used to living with one another. It also threw our lives and finances into a tailspin, as while I have a decent career, and can support myself and the 2 dogs I had long before hubs came into my life. Bills have skyrocketed, I have a mortgage (built a small home in 2010), and he has a new car with payments. I can support him emotionally, and encourage him to a point, but I cannot support him financially. The reason for his freakout: he was scared of losing me.
Loss. When he was a pre-teen, his Dad left with another woman. Two years later, he came back asking to be part of the family again, and then took his own life. About 10 years after that, hubs fell in love with the girl his best friend was dating. They had a threesome for awhile, but she ended up choosing his best friend in the end. I just found out that hubs had hoped for an equal, polygamist-style relationship with the 2 of them. This disturbed me a little bit, not that I'm closed-minded, but I guess I just couldn't put myself into that situation to picture it clearly. Between both situations though, he's scared of now losing me, which adds to stress levels.
Career change for me. Prior to dating him, I had been making plans to go back to school and start a home-based business. I had looked into everything, and had even obtained my major home-based business license. All that was left was registering for school and developing the basement into a dog grooming studio. When we got engaged, I made the conscious decision to put the wedding first, buying a house together was second, and my career change was third. I regret this decision, as I wanted to do that career change more than anything! And now, I'm biding my time.
Things seemed to get worked out, and were going really well for us all throughout Christmas, then last weekend, this all came up again. He is still very stressed. More things that came up that are adding to it: his longer commute, the fact that when he was living with his Mom, everything was done for him (all meals were made for him), and he didn't have to help with housework/yardwork, etc. All told, I just don't know what to do. Had I known that marriage was going to be this hard, I'd have never walked down that aisle. I care about him a great deal, and do love him, although I don't feel the love that I felt while dating. Now, it's more of a good friend love. I have a lot of regrets, and am exhausted, physically, mentally, emotionally. I have a sleep tracker, and it shows that on average, I get about 3.5 hours of sleep a night. Another thing: I haven't changed my surname everywhere, and am now thinking twice about doing this at all. I would kind of just like to keep my maiden name.
Any thoughts/advice? I'm really sorry that this is so long; I wanted to make sure I covered everything.
We got engaged after 3 months of dating (we knew each other for years before that). The dating stage was really fun, stress-free and drama-free. We have a lot in common, and thought that we could see a bright future ahead. Planned a wedding, and have been married for just over 5 months now. Here are our issues:
Sex. While dating, we were very active in this regard, and both of us enjoyed it very much. Then the engagement happened, and we were thrown into a stressful situation. Our sex life dwindled as a result. I thought it would pick up once we were living together, but it didn't. I'm not overly attracted to him, physically. He's an alright-looking guy who takes care of himself well, but I just don't find him attractive. I'm one of those people who doesn't judge books by their cover, and I can look past appearance to get to know a person. These days, we do it once a week, if that. Sometimes it's once every 2 or 3 weeks. My drive is super-high, just not with him anymore. Before me, he only had sex once (he was 43 when we started dating). For some reason, I thought that I could teach him a few things about what I like, but those things never seem to stick; he doesn't remember. So, I've gotten my nipples pinched or bitten many times, and now make sure they're covered up. He doesn't like to try anything new in bed either, and it just ends up being the same old thing. Combine that with epic amounts of stress, and no attraction, and I have no interest at all.
Children. On date #1, I made it very clear to him that I wasn't interested at all in giving birth, but would be OK with adopting a child or 2 down the road. He said that was fine, and he would be OK with that. Now, he wants to try have one of our own. (I should say here that I'm 35; he's 44). With all of his issues, and the mental health issues that seem to run in his family, I'm scared to make a baby that might not have the best running chance in this world. Not to mention, I'm scared out of my wits to actually give birth.
Work. We both work full time. I hate my job; he's very passionate about his. I've been in my career for 16 years; this is his 5th year teaching as a uni prof. In November, we got up one leisurely Sunday morning, and he freaked out, saying that he didn't know if he could continue teaching because between teaching, marking, prepping, and home life, he was super-stressed. He said that he was going to ask for a leave the next day (unpaid because he isn't a full-time prof), and that he would just take on a menial job somewhere. This threw me for a loop, as prior to this, we had been doing really well getting used to living with one another. It also threw our lives and finances into a tailspin, as while I have a decent career, and can support myself and the 2 dogs I had long before hubs came into my life. Bills have skyrocketed, I have a mortgage (built a small home in 2010), and he has a new car with payments. I can support him emotionally, and encourage him to a point, but I cannot support him financially. The reason for his freakout: he was scared of losing me.
Loss. When he was a pre-teen, his Dad left with another woman. Two years later, he came back asking to be part of the family again, and then took his own life. About 10 years after that, hubs fell in love with the girl his best friend was dating. They had a threesome for awhile, but she ended up choosing his best friend in the end. I just found out that hubs had hoped for an equal, polygamist-style relationship with the 2 of them. This disturbed me a little bit, not that I'm closed-minded, but I guess I just couldn't put myself into that situation to picture it clearly. Between both situations though, he's scared of now losing me, which adds to stress levels.
Career change for me. Prior to dating him, I had been making plans to go back to school and start a home-based business. I had looked into everything, and had even obtained my major home-based business license. All that was left was registering for school and developing the basement into a dog grooming studio. When we got engaged, I made the conscious decision to put the wedding first, buying a house together was second, and my career change was third. I regret this decision, as I wanted to do that career change more than anything! And now, I'm biding my time.
Things seemed to get worked out, and were going really well for us all throughout Christmas, then last weekend, this all came up again. He is still very stressed. More things that came up that are adding to it: his longer commute, the fact that when he was living with his Mom, everything was done for him (all meals were made for him), and he didn't have to help with housework/yardwork, etc. All told, I just don't know what to do. Had I known that marriage was going to be this hard, I'd have never walked down that aisle. I care about him a great deal, and do love him, although I don't feel the love that I felt while dating. Now, it's more of a good friend love. I have a lot of regrets, and am exhausted, physically, mentally, emotionally. I have a sleep tracker, and it shows that on average, I get about 3.5 hours of sleep a night. Another thing: I haven't changed my surname everywhere, and am now thinking twice about doing this at all. I would kind of just like to keep my maiden name.
Any thoughts/advice? I'm really sorry that this is so long; I wanted to make sure I covered everything.
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