[jen1447]

To go back a bit, at the very least, for god's sake tell him to quit with the "come to daddy" nonsense. It sounds like the prospects are already murky enough. Throw in permanent sexual creepiness and I think it's completely doomed.

[CheekyNess]

Hey Rcoreyus,

Yes, he has a very unrealistic idea of the financial end of things for life. While he has lived on his own before, he had been living with his Mom for many years. Since we started talking about buying our own property together, he's said that we can start looking this summer. I've purchased 2 homes now, and know a bit about real estate, cost of living, etc., and knew that this was unrealistic. We sat down, hashed things out, and from what's currently going into our joint savings, we discerned that it will take us the better part of 6 years until we can purchase our own home.

It sounds like you and your wife have a great system worked out, and I can hope that we can find something similar in the future!

Living above our collective means might be right, although when I was living alone, I was able to handle the cost of living no problem. As for eating less meat, I don't think the hubs would go for that, as he likes to have meat with almost every meal. I have let him know though that I will not be going out for supper once a week like we have been. I also have cut back on our cable, as when he moved in, he wanted it bumped up from my basic cable (I don't watch much TV) to something a little fancier, which is costing me $35/month more. He offered to pay for it, then claimed that I had said, "no worries", which isn't the case, as I didn't want the added stations to begin with. He won't let those stations go, so I found a cheaper option that saves me about $20/month. I've also calculated the mortgage and bills, and found that I was paying waaay more than him a month, so he's going to kick in an additional $200/month for bills. I'm handling most of the mortgage, as his name isn't on the deed, and I'd rather do that anyways. His income is about $10K a year more than mine as well.

I think that overall, you got the picture correct. He really does need to realize a few things about living in the real world, and that helping his wife out will go a long, long way. I also think this goes a long way in the fact that I have no interest in him in the bedroom; I'm too tired and stressed by the end of the day. Being physically attracted to him, and feeling emotionally close to him would also help though, I know.

[CheekyNess]

I would feel sad for awhile, I'm sure, but in the end, I feel like it would just be a big relief.

Quote from Rcoreyus:
Picture this in your mind -really imagine the scenario: He comes to you and says the same thing. Says he is sorry but he just isn't ready for this, and he wants to end it. How do you feel? Sad? Devastated? Or relieved, like a dark cloud has been removed from your life?

[CheekyNess]

Oh lordy, I'm glad that I'm not the only one who finds that disturbing! I chalk it up to the fact that his sexual experience was pretty much nil before we dated, but still, all I can picture is my own Dad (Daddy)!

To go back a bit, at the very least, for god's sake tell him to quit with the "come to daddy" nonsense. It sounds like the prospects are already murky enough. Throw in permanent sexual creepiness and I think it's completely doomed.

[rcoreyus]

(ignoring for the moment my suggestion that you give up....)

His "offering to pay for it" made me wonder - how do you manage your finances. Keeping money separate seems reasonable, but then there are always questions on who pays for what, and (as some friends of mine found out) if one of you comes into a lot of money (family or job), then what? Combining money also seems reasonable but of course then everything you buy is costing the other person.

My wife and I settled on combining, but having a "fun budget". So we share almost all costs - but we each have a (equal) budget that we can use on anything we want. If we don't use it, we get to save it. Seems to work pretty well. We combined all our assets when we got married. I think this made her a little uneasy at first because I was very poor at the time, (graduate student), but over the years my income has gradually grown significantly larger than hers, so overall it has worked out pretty fairly for everyone. In the end though, over time peoples fortunes vary, so if you don't combine wealth its easy for someone to end up with an unfair deal.

Case in point: Couple we know got married long ago. Had similar incomes, decided to each pay "their share" of expenses. He suddenly made a ton of money working at a high-tech startup. He put his "lifetime share" of retirement money in an account. Put the rest where it generated enough income to pay his share of all expenses, and retired. So now she still works full time to pay "her share". He doesn't work, can travel where he wants, do what he wants. It is "fair" in the sense that they agreed to it and they are paying equal amounts - but over the years it sure "feels" unfair.


It sounds to me like you are keeping money separate, but not equally splitting things. This gets really complicated (and maybe ugly). You are paying most of the mortgage - but are you in a community property state? What about inheritances?

My $0.02: If you are ready to get married you should expect to share all financial assets and responsibilities. There may be special exceptions where there is a huge wealth difference - but even then I think the exception is just to avoid the appearance of being a gold-digger. Otherwise I think that if a couple isn't ready to split all their worldly assets, then they are not ready to be married.


In any case you can't live above your means. Though I hate doing it, maybe you can made a list of all the optional things (cable, fancier food, eating out, vacations, etc etc). You probably already have an idea of how much less you need to spend - so figure out which things can be cut .

[CheekyNess]

Hi Rcoreyus,

We agreed (and it's written up in our prenup) that what we come into the marriage with, we leave with if things go south. That means that my house stays mine, as does my vehicle. He just bought a new car; that stays his, and I have nothing to do with the payments because it also wasn't my decision to buy it. I'm unsure what a community property state is, but we live in Canada. Inheritances are also our own if/when we come into them (this is also in our prenup). One reason that I don't want him to pitch more money into the mortgage is that if things do go south, I will owe him whatever he contributed towards the mortgage for the duration of time we lived there together. Right now, he pays $400/month towards mortgage, and if we live there together for 6 years, and separate in the years following, I will owe him upwards of $28,000, and that is quite enough, in my opinion. I emailed my lawyer to see what she actually thought of this clause, and she hasn't gotten back to me as of yet. But, it makes me uneasy enough to find a place to rent ASAP. Hubs is quite fine to stay put, and thinks that moving will add more stress.

It sounds to me like you are keeping money separate, but not equally splitting things. This gets really complicated (and maybe ugly). You are paying most of the mortgage - but are you in a community property state? What about inheritances?

My $0.02: If you are ready to get married you should expect to share all financial assets and responsibilities. There may be special exceptions where there is a huge wealth difference - but even then I think the exception is just to avoid the appearance of being a gold-digger. Otherwise I think that if a couple isn't ready to split all their worldly assets, then they are not ready to be married. .

[DreamP346]

CheekyNess, reading all your posts, I see 2 issues here.

#1: Your husband is too immature to be married. I know he is older, but is acting like a 20 year old. It's fine dating somebody like that, but marriage is an entirely different thing. You can either be his mother and take care of him (financially and emotionally); you can kick him out and tell him to come back once he learns to be a man; or hang in there and hope he changes (at his age, this is very unlikely).

#2: I don't think you are ready to be married. When you were describing things, I hear a lot of "I do," "I pay," "my expenses," etc. The biggest change with marriage, and sometimes the hardest to deal with, is that you go from "I" to "we." Even though the house belongs to you alone on paper, that is now both of your's home. When you spend more money on something, you are both spending, because there is less for you as a couple. I don't think you have grasped that concept nor are willing to embrace it. As long as you cannot let go of the "yours and mine" mentality, marriage will be a constant battle. It's not easy. That is why many marriages don't last and why many couples choose not to be get married. It's not for everybody. You need to be willing to sacrifice a portion of your independence and be willing to depend on another person. The older we get and the longer we have been independent, that can be harder. Also, if the other person isn't dependable, then that makes is harder. Think of marriage as a business deal (because that is really what it is). You combine your finances to reach a shared goal. You are business partners. Everything you do impacts the other person and therefore you cannot function in a silo. Clear communication, statements of interest, future planning, etc all need to be negotiated and discussed.

Unfortunately, I don't think either of you are ready of marriage. Is it possible to separate and go back to dating? There still seems to be a lot of communication issues that needs to be cleared up also. How can you expect to share the rest of your life with somebody if you can't even tell him to stop using a phrase that creeps you out. I don't think it's the end of the relationship, I think it just needs to be slowed down and you guys need to spend more time as adults living separately before making that huge leap of living together.

[rcoreyus]

I'll post more later. I'm somewhere with really wretched internet this week.

[Claret]

Hi Rcoreyus,

We agreed (and it's written up in our prenup) that what we come into the marriage with, we leave with if things go south. That means that my house stays mine, as does my vehicle. He just bought a new car; that stays his, and I have nothing to do with the payments because it also wasn't my decision to buy it. I'm unsure what a community property state is, but we live in Canada. Inheritances are also our own if/when we come into them (this is also in our prenup). One reason that I don't want him to pitch more money into the mortgage is that if things do go south, I will owe him whatever he contributed towards the mortgage for the duration of time we lived there together. Right now, he pays $400/month towards mortgage, and if we live there together for 6 years, and separate in the years following, I will owe him upwards of $28,000, and that is quite enough, in my opinion. I emailed my lawyer to see what she actually thought of this clause, and she hasn't gotten back to me as of yet. But, it makes me uneasy enough to find a place to rent ASAP. Hubs is quite fine to stay put, and thinks that moving will add more stress.

So, if you split up, he basically will have lived in your house RENT FREE for whatever period of time he'll have been there? I find this ludicrous. Also, prenuptual agreements (in Canada) are only worth the paper they are printed on because we have other legislated laws that can and do negate any prenupt that you can come up with and the longer you are together the less likely it'll be worth anything.

[Claret]

So, if you split up, he basically will have lived in your house RENT FREE for whatever period of time he'll have been there? I find this ludicrous. Also, prenuptual agreements (in Canada) are only worth the paper they are printed on because we have other legislated laws that can and do negate any prenupt that you can come up with and the longer you are together the less likely it'll be worth anything.

I need to add this re marriage contracts in Canada:

"Marriage contracts may deal with many different marital issues, including: ownership in or division of property; support obligations; the right to direct the education and moral training of their children; or any other matter in the settlement of the spouses’ affairs. Marriage contracts may not, however, deal with the right to custody of or access to the spouse’s children. A marriage contract also may not limit a spouse’s possessory rights in the matrimonial home.
"

See, your house has now become the matrimonial home and although you may retain a greater portion because of owning it prior to your marriage he has equal claim to it under the law. Where this will fall into play is they will determine the value of the house at the time of marriage, the value of the house at the time of divorce, you'll keep the value before marriage and you'll split the value at the time of divorce.

The biggest winners will be real estate agents and lawyers, and it probably would be cheaper for you just to split the house.

They can and do get you coming and going.