[KMonte85]

Well, sp... you gave it your all, and I'm glad you did (not sure how glad YOU are about that), so at least now you can say you tried and you allowed him the chance to prove himself. He didn't, obviously.

So, I guess that begs the next question... now what? Did you talk to him and let him know that he didn't hold up his part of the bargain? And how is this going to affect what you do in the future (and have you discussed THAT with him)?

It may have been a less than productive birthday, but at least you learned exactly what you were dealing with, even though you had that inkling all along. So, all in all, it was fun even if it wasn't what you wanted, and now you have a very recent example of disappointment that you can hopefully use to open up some conversation!

[DreamP346]

Well, sp... you gave it your all, and I'm glad you did (not sure how glad YOU are about that), so at least now you can say you tried and you allowed him the chance to prove himself. He didn't, obviously.

So, I guess that begs the next question... now what? Did you talk to him and let him know that he didn't hold up his part of the bargain? And how is this going to affect what you do in the future (and have you discussed THAT with him)?

It may have been a less than productive birthday, but at least you learned exactly what you were dealing with, even though you had that inkling all along. So, all in all, it was fun even if it wasn't what you wanted, and now you have a very recent example of disappointment that you can hopefully use to open up some conversation!

I don't know. I feel like it would be like complaining about the food at a restaurant after eating it all up. I DID have fun. We did some amazing skiing. The snow conditions were great. We ate at some great restaurants. But he didn't follow through with the things he promised he would do. Right now I think he feels really proud of himself for taking me on a great ski trip. It feels petty to complain after all that.

[DreamP346]

Happy belated birthday!!

It discouraging when you give someone the benefit of the doubt, especially when history dictates future expectations. (Yet, we hope…) From everything you've said, I get the feeling you make sure his birthdays are memorable and about him. If that is the case, since he doesn't understand your feelings, wants, and desires for your birthday, perhaps it's time for him to get as good as he's given. Some people learning by seeing, hearing and reading, some by doing, and then there are the one's who need to learn by experiencing. In the case of your husband, maybe if he received no gift, no cake, etc., he would understand how his lack of initiative has hurt you. (That sounds spiteful, and I suppose it is, too a degree, but I'm not sure how to get through to him other than by reciprocating his actions.) And, yes, if I were in your shoes, I'd definitely be bitter.

I used to do elaborate birthdays for my hubby. Really think about what he liked. In return, he would just take me to dinner and a movie for my birthday which he didn't even plan. I like dinners out, but I think he likes it more than I do. So I lost interest in doing stuff for him. The last few years I just do the same for him; dinner and a movie. I don't make a big effort. This year, I actually just stopped at the store the night before his birthday and picked up some random gifts. Gave it to him with breakfast in bed. Nothing too special.

[KMonte85]

I completely understand how you feel. It might seem petty (Lord knows I've been there!), but it's not! He promised you all these things if you went on the trip HE wanted opposed to the birthday fun YOU wanted, you conceded, he didn't follow through. And now he's super pleased with himself and you're miffed. Not fair, and he needs to know, because it's not fair to him either if you're disappointed and he never knows.

It is by no means petty to sit him down and let him know, that although it was a great ski trip, there were some very glaring issues that happened that made it much less enjoyable for you. If a person can't fulfill their promises, they shouldn't make them. And they shouldn't walk around oblivious to the fact that their "gift" was less than well received.

The thing is - we're taught from a very young age to be grateful of gifts, as inconsiderate as they may be. But after a certain while, particularly when it comes to the people closest to us, it becomes more about principle than the gift. He needs to know he screwed up, because how else can he be expected to change? Not saying it will impact him one way or another anyway, but at least giving him the heads up means he doesn't have an excuse to blame ignorance. In my experience with dealing with men like this, the less excuses they have, the better. They can no longer hide behind them and have to face the problem(s).

[atskitty2]

I don't know. I feel like it would be like complaining about the food at a restaurant after eating it all up. I DID have fun. We did some amazing skiing. The snow conditions were great. We ate at some great restaurants. But he didn't follow through with the things he promised he would do. Right now I think he feels really proud of himself for taking me on a great ski trip. It feels petty to complain after all that.

Right! He didn't do as promised. If he were your child would you let him get away with broken promises because you happened to enjoy some of it anyway? I doubt it, I certainly wouldn't.

[atskitty2]

I used to do elaborate birthdays for my hubby. Really think about what he liked. In return, he would just take me to dinner and a movie for my birthday which he didn't even plan. I like dinners out, but I think he likes it more than I do. So I lost interest in doing stuff for him. The last few years I just do the same for him; dinner and a movie. I don't make a big effort. This year, I actually just stopped at the store the night before his birthday and picked up some random gifts. Gave it to him with breakfast in bed. Nothing too special.

So can you see how this is damaging your relationship? You do LESS for him because he does less for you...Although he probably doesn't care, but essentially you both lose out on opportunities to do things to please the other, to make each other happy.

Talking this out & expecting better from him is not some sort of punishment, it's for the improvement of your relationship!

[Justice]

I just saw this thread. SP happy belated birthday from another poster.

I think his next birthday gift should be dinner and dancing while back at the house that house cleaning service has paid a visit.


Look sweetheart - look what I did FOR YOU



..... and if he comes back saying that is not what HE wanted, I'd ever so sweetly find a way to suggest, but I was taking my lead from you. I just knew that you'd enjoy it once you got it. After all it gave you more time to play the video games?

[Trixareforkids]

Hubby and I have only had 5 big blowouts in 23 years, one was over my 40th b-day. We're not really big on b-days but for the rollover b-days we try to do something out of the ordinary. So right after my 39th the hubby started talking about organizing an Amazing Race b-day thing for my 40th. He talked about this for the next 8-9 months. My b-day finally rolls around and the night before there's a little family emergency with my sister, during which he picks a fight with me... the next day, an unfrosted box mix cupcake (hubby is a pastry chef, btw) and a home made card with just the words 'Happy 40th Birthday' and inside he wrote Love You and had our daughter sign it in her scribble. THAT WAS IT. No dinner plans, no little cheap kooky etsy present, really nothing. After months of build up of all the things he wanted to do and all the people he wanted to invite, he didn't even pick up the phone and call my BF to arrange a dinner. Oh and our anniversary is the day after my b-day, our 20th. Since he was supposed to be planning this elaborate b-day we said we were going to forgo an expensive anniversary dinner, so no b-day and nothing planned for our 20th.

I was so mad/hurt that I literally could not talk to him. I called my BF to see if this was a set up for something and he told me no, sorry. So I made and ate dinner, without speaking to him, took the car keys and a credit card and went to B&N, there I grabbed the biggest book bag I could find and didn't stop until it was full. When I got home he was on the computer trying to get me tickets to see Joe Purdy (my favorite singer/songwriter) he couldn't find anything that would work, but told me that if/when I did to just get the tickets. I did do that later a couple months later, got tickets for me, my mom & older daughter and the concert was in MD, our home state, so I booked a flight and made arrangements for where to stay with family. It STILL took me a year or so to get over that hurt. He knew, the second I walked out the door without speaking to him that he'd f-ed up big time. I'm obviously a very vocal person, he knew that my NOT talking/yelling/cursing was a bad bad thing. He told me later he'd never been more scared of something happening to us then the moment I walked out that door that night.

He'll NEVER do something like that again. SP, your hubby is being purposefully blind and he will stay that way as long as you let him. You're at one of those moments when it's time for some serious internal searching. When you can find a couple of quiet hours, sit down by yourself and just start imagining your life without him, try to jump ahead to 6 months after a split, where are you, where are your kids, what's different about your every day life, can you handle the kids, chores, bills? Try to really immerse yourself in that and then see how it feels. If it feels better to you than feel right now it's time to start planning your exit strategy. If it doesn't then it's time to find a way to send that shock into your hubby that mine got, maybe by telling him to do what I just told you to do, imagine his life without you in it, he keeps the kids, chores, bills just not you. And then work from there.

[DreamP346]

He'll NEVER do something like that again. SP, your hubby is being purposefully blind and he will stay that way as long as you let him. You're at one of those moments when it's time for some serious internal searching. When you can find a couple of quiet hours, sit down by yourself and just start imagining your life without him, try to jump ahead to 6 months after a split, where are you, where are your kids, what's different about your every day life, can you handle the kids, chores, bills? Try to really immerse yourself in that and then see how it feels. If it feels better to you than feel right now it's time to start planning your exit strategy. If it doesn't then it's time to find a way to send that shock into your hubby that mine got, maybe by telling him to do what I just told you to do, imagine his life without you in it, he keeps the kids, chores, bills just not you. And then work from there.

Hubby already has imaged what his life would be without me. We had to get life insurance and contemplate filing that void. He admits that he would be at a greater loss if I was out of the picture compared to if he was out of the picture for me.

And the thing about shock value, doesn't work. A few years ago on my birthday, he promised dinner and a movie. Of course, he hadn't planned anything. I had to look up the movie schedule, pick a restaurant, call his sister to arrange child care, etc. He couldn't even get ready on time. And I mean he was 2 hours later than the agreed upon time. I was so upset that I was literary curled up in a ball on the floor crying. I told him I didn't want to go. It wasn't just another argument. It was clear I was VERY unset. We finally ended up going. I can't remember the exact conversation, but I think the kids may have been involved in getting me off the floor and into the car. Did the year after that change? No. Same thing again. I just lower my standards and not expect anything.

[Trixareforkids]

It doesn't work, as you already know. Lowering or changing your standards only works for physical needs, you can be happy with a smaller, messier house but not smaller messier emotions. If your emotional needs aren't being met it ALWAYS comes through. Like it did on your recent trip, where your hubby fobbed it off onto your kids. Your needs aren't being met, you can't help but hope it'll change and you and your kids get the backlash of it, not good darlin', not good.