[Motorguy]

We have been dating for a year and 2
Months. On April 4th, he proposed and I said yes. He just told me a few days ago that he's been drinking everyday for the last few days and smoking weed with some old friends. When we first started dating he told me he did it once in a blue moon. (So I thought like 2x a year.) no. He did it 15x while we've been dating. I told him I'm more mad at him for not telling me sooner.
Although my major is criminal justice
and if I become a cop my husband can't be doing that. I also told him because of that and if he doesn't think we can learn to communicate a little bit better (he admitted he's never been good at that) then we aren't going to work. From what I'm told most of marriage is based off of communication. So he says he will come to me on his birthday like we planned (April 27th) and talk about it then. (We live 1 hr away from each other. I met him while I was in the military. I just got out and moved back with my family.) what do you think?

Well Horsyluvr, I really think you need to sit down with soon to be husband and have this talk and tell him it's either you or the drinking and the weed. But your right a marriage needs to start off by having good communication first if you don't have that then your marriage will be a lie and will not work. Plus him doing weed and drinking and being a fireman if he is sue directly if someone is hurt and he's is high you on the hook as well so you have to serous think is this guy worth it. The only possible way a good marriage will be in your future with him is that he go's to ADA meeting and getting off the pot and drinking completely. Good luck and god bless you.

[horsyluvr]

I completely agree with y'all. I applied for 911 dispatcher job where I live and got a call for an interview today. To get my "foot in the door" for criminal justice. He pretty much made it clear to me today when he texted me that he's not going to quit. So I told him "you know how I feel about that so you just answered your own question." He said "I guess we will talk about this when I come down there." "Yep." And that's the last I heard. Maybe he will think twice within the next 2 weeks but I highly doubted. He says he never goes on a call if he's been drinking or on weed. Says that anyway.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He values an addiction, more than his woman.

So sorry sweet. But, your life you live once. Make sure you live it the way you want and all that comes with that, the beauty, love, commitment, friendship, communication, trust and then you, who you are and who you want to be.

Everyone else falls into that life. Your life.

[horsyluvr]

Thank you. / I honestly think that his sister is going to tell him he's an idiot when she finds out he lost me over drugs. She told me I'm the only one he's been with that he willingly changed a little bit for. Btw

[horsyluvr]

He wants to come down here as planned for his birthday. Unfortunately I already got his birthday present. It's an expensive dive watch that I had engraved, "I love you, (his name here)" with the Volunteer fire department emblem on it. I'm not sure what to do for his birthday now, if anything.

[horsyluvr]

Just an update: he called me about 2 hrs ago. He kept saying how "you kept asking about my past so I finally told you" I told him "when you first told me you had a past, I thought it was in your past and you no longer have anything to do with your past." We talked about that for awhile then he tried to pin it on me "I knew you would react like this which has confirmed my theory that I never should have told you. This is why I don't open up bcuz it always comes back to bite me in the ***. And you knew something was up. I knew my heart would be ripped out if I told you." I replied, "You obviously are going to keep doing weed and what you want and you know I can't associate with anyone doing drugs. And don't think my heart isn't being ripped out of my chest either." I even suggested he tell his friends he doesn't want any or not to bring it when they come around. He said "I will not tell them I don't want any bcuz my woman doesn't want me to have any." He either was upset with me or angry with me through the whole conversation. We clearly have two different definitions of the word past and the words "once in a blue moon." To him his past isn't necessarily long gone. I did not text him first all day today thinking I would annoy him and he wanted to be alone. He got mad at me on the phone for not texting him all day and when I did, I didn't say much. Then he said "I was thinking about changing today but bcuz I didn't hear from you all day and I don't think you want me anymore so I'm not changing anymore. I will come down there on the 25th to see you, get my stuff and then leave." I was in the middle of asking him if he wants to save our relationship bcuz he new it would ruin us and he hung up on me.

[Stillness]

The only argument my wife and I have ever had was about weed smoking and expectations, so I know how awkward and frustrating this can be. Ours happened after we were married. That doesn't help you solve the problem...just saying you're not alone.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I was thinking about changing today but bcuz I didn't hear from you all day and I don't think you want me anymore so I'm not changing anymore

Hun, the blame game is what the other partner does when they know they have done something wrong, ie) hiding things from you the real truth.

The real truth is he tried to tell you a half truth, to be fair that has to be because he has feelings. But, you worked out the "whole" truth and as a result he has to put the blame back on you. That is what a person does, male or female when they know they are totally in the wrong and he won't change.

There is no blue moon it's cemented, he loves it, can't change it.

Do not allow him to use the blame game on you, remember "again" this is your life, he can ruin it for you or stop what he is doing and be a part of your life forever.

Do not let someone act in control and try to make you think it's your fault. He was never going to stop for you, if he was he would never had said he would but you destroyed that.

He is in denial. Angry. Can't change. Doesn't want to change. Doesn't want to lose you either, but this is who he truly is.

EDIT. Be strong assertive, "change, I want you, go get help you are addicted"....

[horsyluvr]

This the only thing we have ever argued about. I suggested he get help and he denied having a problem, of course. What gets me even more is he's also being a hypocrite. He always said "if we ever argued, in person at least, we could just go in separate rooms until we calm down." I think he should stop for himself but it's not going to happen and maybe one day he will realize he lost a good girl over some stupid drugs.

[horsyluvr]

He sent me a message this morning "Sorry if I disappointed you" "Yes you have disappointed me." "Sorry. Should I come Saturday to get my stuff?" "Yes. why did you wait until I said I'd marry you to tell me this?" I don't believe he really is sorry.