[Something_Awesome]

Thanks Jen. And yes, it was authoritative (and genuine). She was totally serious about that comment.

I forgot to add though that a relationship with me can't survive if someone has cheated. Some people can work through it, but with me, all is lost. So that makes it scary. I am extremely loyal (almost to a fault), so If I were to cheat, then something must have been extremely wrong. If she cheats, then I would not be able to forgive her. That is why cheating terrifies me. It's the end of the line for me.

Edit: However, I do not think cheating would necessarily cause me to hate or even dislike my ex. It would just end the relationship.

[jen1447]

I understand the nature of those feelings, and I don't advocate cheating at all, but a lot of times the lines are somewhat blurry. What if your GF cheated after unintentionally getting drunk or something like that? Would you really toss it all away, no questions asked?

It's good to stick up for yourself and have clearly defined areas that you can't tolerate abuse on, but sometimes the world doesn't play by the same rules. So in effect, you may end up hurting yourself more by being really rigid on everything.

[Something_Awesome]

I guess you're right. Those blurry situations were outside of my contemplation. I would need answers first, I guess... But it would still burn like hell. I will say though that I don't think it is possible for me to get drunk enough where I accidentally cheat.

[jen1447]

You seem to have a rock solid foundation with your GF, so that's understandable. There are others tho (like in the article) who don't have that or anything near it, and may in fact be so desperate that cheating carries little to no downside. I suppose at that point the relationship was likely already over and the cheating is just a side effect. Again, that's not you, but it's easy to see how cheating could be a shrug-it-off moment for many.

For the record, I've known women from both ends of the spectrum - those who've had affairs out of boredom and frustration, and those with happy marriages/relationships who've done it anyway (sometimes multiple times or for lengthy periods) just for the thrill of it or because that's 'who they are.' Not trying to scare you with that, but some women are really scandalous.

[effy2014]

I understand the nature of those feelings, and I don't advocate cheating at all, but a lot of times the lines are somewhat blurry. What if your GF cheated after unintentionally getting drunk or something like that? Would you really toss it all away, no questions asked?

It's good to stick up for yourself and have clearly defined areas that you can't tolerate abuse on, but sometimes the world doesn't play by the same rules. So in effect, you may end up hurting yourself more by being really rigid on everything.

Spot on! Sometimes an affair is a cry for help within the relationship. Every situation deserves to be evaluated before throwing away your investment in the relationship.

[Stillness]

Can you really cheat after unintentionally getting drunk and have that be a valid excuse? I've been really drunk and I've said and done some silly stuff, but cheating? I wouldn't buy it.

[atskitty2]

Stillness, The way I took Jen's comment is that it isn't an excuse, but some may think differently about it if it happened while their partner was intoxicated. I don't think that makes it any more acceptable or excusable, but say I had a man who rarely drank and wound up overdoing it and slept w someone. I'd consider that different than if he'd been flirting, having an emotional affair and built up to a sexual encounter with someone. It would also matter, how he felt about what he had done.
Neither is OK to me. Both are indicative of an unhealthy link in the relationship that needs to be fixed. But I do think the circumstances by which an affair comes about is a valid consideration.

[Stillness]

But I do think the circumstances by which an affair comes about is a valid consideration.

I agree. I just never got this particular circumstance as an excuse.

It's like if someone says, "I had a bit too much to drink and fell and ripped the blouse you let me borrow." I get that. It happens. But if they say, "I got so drunk that I killed your dog and ate him. So sorry." That's not really what happened.

[jen1447]

It's not an excuse, it's a potentially mitigating factor to consider as to whether or not you'd abruptly end a relationship over cheating, as per Something's remarks. GF gets drunk, loses discretion, has a one night stand ....that's a different animal than GF waits for you to leave for work and then boffs the mailman every Tuesday and Thursday for 16 months in your bed.

[Something_Awesome]

Jen, are you an attorney?