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I need advice about my husband and porn!!

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  • I need advice about my husband and porn!!

    Before getting into any details, I will give you a brief history of my husband and me. We met 6 years ago, and our age gap is BIG!!! He is in his late 40's and I'm in my mid-20's. I can't imagine finding anyone more compatible. He is simply my best friend. And we have a beautiful son together (he is not the biological father, but stepped up to the plate without hesitation when my son was 2 - he is now 8 ).

    My husband has been watching porn for a very long time now. When we first met, I never noticed, never even really thought about it or cared. Since we have been married tho, 1.5 years now, I have been noticing it all the time. And I HATE IT!! I have a higher than normal sex drive, and he has always been telling me to back off a little, so that he has opportunity to initiate sex. It was very hard, but i did it. I would go weeks without initiating. Always being friendly and happy, but simply allowing him ample opportunity to make an advance. However, he does not. He shows LITERALLY zero interest in having sex with me. In the meantime tho, he watches porn, almost on a daily basis.

    This was our situation a year ago. No sex for me, lots of porn and masturbation for him. I only know because I would check his history. Every time he watched it, I would confront him and tell him how it made me feel. He would flip out and deny it, until I would cave and tell him how I know for sure. Then he would get even more mad for my snooping. And by me revealing each time, he would simply find new and improved ways to cover his tracks.

    I understand why men watch porn. I really do! But when your in a relationship with a woman who loves you so much, and denys you nothing, why is it still necessary??? I am young still, but I'm afraid I'm not young enough . That scares the crap out of me! His porn searches are always for "teens" performing specific acts that he used to love when I did, but now isn't remotely interested. It's like he has gotten sick of me, bored with me. When we do have sex, it's incredible! But always brought on by my initiation. We could go months, and he wouldn't bat an eye.

    Two years ago, I was 5'5", and 155 lbs. That may not seem too heavy, but I was chunky, and felt very unattractive. In 1 year, I dropped down to 120 lbs, kept the weight off, and I'm in the best shape of my life. It helped our sex life for a bit. For a couple weeks just prior to our wedding, he couldn't get enough of me! I felt amazing. Now, he doesn't even see me. My self esteem has taken a huge hit by this whole ordeal, and for a brief time, an eating disorder arose. Im no longer starving myself to be noticed by my husband.

    He has promised multiple times in the past that he would stop, and pay more attention to me. This has yet to happen. He's sneaky, he lies, makes no effort, and has lost all interest. We have had hundreds of conversations and fights about this major marital issue. I have explained time and time again how it makes me feel, with no resolve. I keep thinking about leaving, about divorce, and then I think about my future. And even though this is tearing me apart inside, I can't picture a future without him. I still love him... so much. Where he lacks as a husband, he more than makes up for as a father.

    What do i do? Do I leave the best father my son will ever know? Do i try to find inner justification and peace with the porn and lack of sex? I need to find a way to keep this family together without compromising my happiness. I need someone to talk to!

  • Hello Amanda, and welcome to the forum.

    You are new here and you might not be aware that the issue you raise is, unfortunately, very common. There have been numerous threads dedicated to same. If you use the search feature, you are sure to locate some. A recent one may be found here:

    https://www.womens-health.com/boards...ationship.html

    Best wishes.
    I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

    Comment


    • Yes, I am becoming increasingly aware that this is a VERY popular topic. Its nice to know I'm not alone, but scary that there are so many people experiencing the same pain and frustration. I have already read dozens of threads involving very similar situations, however I have yet to read a post confirming a specific thing(s) to bring peace and resolution to the relationship. I know all relationships are different, but the problem remains the same. I am desperately looking for justification and understanding. I have a war going on inside my head. I want to think that what he is doing is nothing personal, but how can't it be when he is substituting me for incognito mode on his cell phone.

      A confession on my part tho: the more he watches it and widens the emotional distance between us, the more I find myself flattered and distracted by any attention I get from other men. I work in a predominantly men's field (engineering and construction), and I get hit on all the time. And the more my husband neglects me, the more I flirt back with other men. I am a mother and a wife first and foremost, and this scary justification to flirt is not who i am. And it's not the type of woman i want to become.

      Some weeks, when I can't find any traces of porn (because he hides it so well now), I allow myself to be happy with him, and it feels like everything is going to be ok. I let my guard down. And while its down, I stumble across a bread-crumb of deceit, and I feel like I've been kicked in the chest. And when we discuss it, there is zero remorse for hurting me. He yells at me about any and all of my shortcomings. How I have disappointed him, and before, I would change the things he found wrong with me. Now, theres nothing left for him to yell about, so he walks away. Maybe there is no solution. Ugh, I wish I was a lesbian!

      Comment


      • Amanda,

        I hope your reading and any replies you receive here will bring you some peace. It is plain you are hurting and, with some justification.

        I set out my own views on porn in a relationship in the thread to which I directed you. I cannot understand at all having a beautiful, young wife who wants sex, is always willing, yet resorting to porn and masturbation. In that other thread I mentioned a relationship when I was very young, during which I found that what attracted me sexually, changed. I attributed that to my youth and part of maturing. That cannot explain your husband, at least not to me. He's in his 40s.

        In all the various relevant threads here, I am not sure if anyone in your position has returned to report that they came up with a "cure". The problem is not one with which I can identify and I have not really followed any of the threads that closely to see if there is ever a satisfactory resolution. For your sake, and that your your young son, I hope for a good outcome.
        I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

        Comment


        • amanda, it sounds to me like you have an alpha personality - you know what you want and are willing to go get it. It also sounds like your husband fancies himself as an alpha in that he wants to be the one who initiates. In doing that, he is trying to force you into a beta personality. In actuality, it sounds like you have the stronger personality. Porn allows him the release he needs without giving anything to you. I think he is being very selfish.

          The question you have ask is this: can you keep on going like this because he is such a good father?
          I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
          ...
          Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

          From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

          Comment


          • That is the question I have been asking myself for a year! So technically yes, I can keep going on like this because I have been for a while. The real question now is, how LONG can I keep going on like this? I've fought for so long for this relationship to work, much more than I have time to explain on here. If I give up now, then all that hard work was for nothing. I think I have to come to terms with the simple fact that he will not change... ever. And I need to just get over it. It could be worse... he could be cheating. But he's not.. only with himself. Who knows, maybe if I back off, don't initiate, don't nag him about porn, he could potentially see what he's been missing and crave human companionship again. But in the meantime, I WILL NOT let him see my pain.

            Comment


            • I think I have seen some threads where there has been progress here. I just can't remember off hand. I know there have been some with progress with a sexual imbalance because I'm one of the successes there.

              The porn is different than just libido differences or emotional disconnects. Maybe it has to be treated like an addiction? I imagine it can be more hurtful than substance abuse in some ways because it wears away at something foundational to marriage.
              "Those sowing seed with tears
              Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

              Comment


              • If it was a simple as us being on different pages sexually, my backing off and letting him step up to the plate would have certainly helped. I have considered porn addiction many times. I discovered 4 days ago that he had spent the weekend watching porn while I was away at my family cottage. I asked him to come away with me for the couple days, but he is self employed and said that he had too much work to do at home. So I understood this and gave him the quiet time he seemed to need. While I was away, he literally did nothing but watch TV and porn. He chose "alone time" over time with his family. I confronted him about it when I found out the day I got back. Calmly and patiently I might ad. Know what his response was? After first denying it, he confessed that the more it bothers me, the more he wants to watch it. And then went on to yell at me stating that it took years for me to back off on the sex initiating, so I have no right to expect him to change any quicker. Not quite in those exact words, but that was the message.

                I know I am complaining a lot on here, but it feels so good to vent, and actually be heard and responded to. My sister is the only one I've spoken to about this, and her answer to everything is "divorce". Im just not quite ready to give up yet. I have a bit of fight in me still, but only a bit. I come from a Baptist background, and it was always beat into my head that divorce is not an option. I don't want to have to start all over, but I don't want to give the best years of my life away to a man who appreciates nothing I have done for him.

                Ive been asking him recently for a little romance in the relationship. Maybe a little flirting, youthful making out, romantic dinner, anything! He said all those things are for dating, not for marriage. Once married, you don't need to try anymore. He already got the girl and I already got the guy. Can you believe that?! Am i living in a fantasy land in my head to think that those things should never leave the relationship? Maybe if there was even a sliver of romance and/or intimacy, the porn would not bother me so much. But he can't be bothered to make an effort. I feel like in his eyes, Im not worth it... and thats not right!

                Comment


                • Vent away. We have a very understanding crew here, men and women alike.

                  Have the two of you been to counseling? There is really no way out of this except for communication, understanding and compromise. In my view, except in rare cases, porn is a symptom, not the disease.

                  Our minds do crazy things to us. He may be having erectile issues with you and pure embarrassment is keeping him from telling you this. The "let me be the aggressor" thing may be a cover for it. Using porn has no stress attached to it, so that may be an easier way for him to relieve himself. However, it can't be solved without him being able to communicate.

                  This does not mean that he has suddenly found you unattractive. The stress he feels may be from work, life or whatever. If he is unwilling to go to therapy, saving your marriage will be difficult. He cannot talk to you without becoming defensive, which makes communicating without therapy a real challenge.
                  "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by amanda
                    Ive been asking him recently for a little romance in the relationship. Maybe a little flirting, youthful making out, romantic dinner, anything! He said all those things are for dating, not for marriage. Once married, you don't need to try anymore.
                    That's one of the most depressing things I've ever heard, honestly. I still to this day make out like a teenager at a drive-in theater. Can't imagine life without that, and flirting, and romance ....
                    [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

                    Comment


                    • I have to agree Jen. I find it hard to believe anyone would actually say or believe that. Sad.

                      Trying to get the guy to counseling might be worth a try, as effy suggests. Can't see it making things worse.

                      And Jen, I did not think you were old enuff to know anything about drive-ins.
                      I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

                      Comment


                      • They still have a few of them here in my neck of the woods, believe it or not. I went to a few shows for sure, lol.
                        [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

                        Comment


                        • I LOVE to make out, however he won't. Simply pulls away after a peck on the lips. When we were physical for the first time, 6 years ago this august, we made out, and few times shortly after. Since then, he has refused. Says he doesn't like me "in his face".

                          Comment


                          • I wish it was erectile issues! That could be treated. However he can get it up, anywhere, anytime. Its not an issue of "can't perform", its more of "I won't perform for you". I remember him once saying (years ago now), that he was afraid to initiate sex, because then I would want it all the time. This was back when I had a higher sex drive. Its been just the past year that I have backed off. However he hasn't given me a chance to show that Im not as "needy" as I once was.

                            I've narrowed it down to one of two reasons:

                            1. He genuinely doesn't want to show interest in the fear that I will demand too much from him, too quickly...

                            or...

                            2. He just isn't that into me anymore. He's bored, and finds voyeurism through porn the only turn on left in his life.

                            Comment


                            • If it were #1, your husband would be far more willing to talk about it and "ease up" to a more reasonable level of intimacy. The conversation where he compared your sex life to pizza seems to suggest that he is not interested in more intimacy or romance.

                              Is he bored with other things in his life? Your husband may be going through a mid-life crises where he finds his entire life dull and boring. I would be very surprised that this is all directed at you.

                              You mentioned in a post that you were hiding your pain from him. I don't understand that. If he is as great a Dad as you wrote, then he should have a compassionate streak in him as well.
                              "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                              Comment

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