[Cheater?]

My wife recently found a collage of pictures I made of an ex work colleague who I used to find attractive but with whom I never had any relationship, nor with whom I ever wanted a relationship. I barely knew or spoke to this colleague. What I did do though was collect a few photos posted on a share drive from work social occasions and made this collage and used it to masterbate. This happened only a couple of times. I was careless and my wife found this on our PC having recently been away for two weeks.

(As I write this I start to think I am a weirdo, although I never considered that my actions were that strange. Perhaps indeed they are.)

I found this forum and read a thread or two and decided that people here seem fairly open minded and reasonable so I have decided to post my problem here in the hope that some of you can help me (and perhaps even my wife) understand the reasons behind what I have done and the implications and fallout that can be expected, and then of course, how to get over this.

I should preface all of this by saying that I have always considered our marriage rock solid until now, that I adore my wife and that I have never had an affair, nor would I ever consider doing so.

My wife found this collage and as we worked in the same company, knew the woman. She was naturally devasted, shocked, hurt, confused - a whole range of emotions that have combined to rock our marriage to the core.

I used this collage twice for masterbation purposes. My use was for short term sexual gratification. Now that in itself is in my opinon fairly normal, although the fact that this was not an anonymous person obviously has a more severe effect on this problem and is perhaps can be considered pervy or abnormal. What I never hankered after was to actually have a physical affair with this woman.

My wife says that the planning involved in collecting these pictures, the sneakiness of it all is akin to cheating. She can no longer trust me and can not say that our marriage will ever be the same (this happened yesterday). I am scared that I will lose her. Perhaps I deserve to.

We have a young child, a toddler, which would make any decision to split up one that would, I hope, be the last resort.

I guess I should get to my question or to my request of anybody who sees fit to answer as I am incoherently babbling........

My wife has her feelings on the matter. What I am not trying to do is get answers that exonerate me so that I can show her - she couldn't care less about how anybody other than herself views this situation, and I respect that. She is hurt, and no one can tell her she shouldn't be.

What I want to know is whether my actions are indeed the actions of a cheater given the background. Or am I some weirdo who needs help?

I have always thought myself to be the height of normality, to the point of being slightly boring in fact. I masturbate 1-3 times per week - using soft porn on the tv. I figured most men do this, or at least that this behaviour isn't abnormal and isn't damaging, although it's all about context of course. My wife and I do have a normal and healthy sex life in spite of this, but we don't talk easily about fantasies (I don't really feel that I have any actually) or other sex related issues for example.

How bad is what I have done?
Could you recover from something like this if you found your husband in a similar situation?
Do I need help?

Finally, sorry if this post does not belong in this thread - I saw a similar one and it had replies so I figured this was the right place to ask.

[kiwi99133]

While what you did is not cheating it may make you wife think that this other women is a women you sexually desire. if you have not alreay you need to talk to her and tell her everything. your wife loves you and if you have a rock solid marriage you can make it though this. the one thing i can say is that if it were me i would have been ****ed. if it is porn that is one thing but what hurts is that it is someone she knows and works with. your wife has to look at that women now and everytime she does that is what she will think of. all you can do is apoligize and talk it out. i wish you the best of luck.

[Cheater?]

Luckily the colleague no longer works here and my wife isn't due back at work for another 6 months anyway.

I have told her everything now. She understandably hasn't taken it well and when we talk she can only focus on the fact that I didn't do this spontaneously, rather that it was quite thought out. I suppose in a fantasy world this does suggest I desired this woman sexually, but in the real world I would never have attempted to do anything about it.

Thanks for your reply kiwi.

[kiwi99133]

your welcome i hope that your wife comes around......i understand both side...on her side it was someone she knew on your side well it was there....but again i thing your wife went overboard about the cheathing thing.....good luck....

[chocochip1]

Me as a woman, and a wife I would be ****ed off if I found such a thing....and even more ****ed if I have to work with the "other" woman. I feel this is a more complicated situation in the sense because this is not like porn...this is close to home. Like Kiwi said you need to talk to your wife and let her know you desire her, that you know longer have feelngs for this woman in a sexual/attractive way by any means! It is going to take time for you both. I hope you are understanding and I hope your wife can forgive you...which is the biggest thing, and then she can learn to trust you again, because I am quite sure she probably feels like she can't trust you right about now. Good Luck and God Bless.

[C]

This is big. Much bigger than you can fathom. This was not a stranger. This was well planned and even though you did not **** her, you did in your mind. This probably would have been next.

Nearly a year ago I found out about an affair that my husband nearly had. He did not meet her as he did not realize how much she wanted him but it could have taken place. This was probably 10 to 13 years ago. It was not his fault but he just told me about it. Despite this not taking place that woman is in bed with me many times when we are having sex. Just the thought that another woman wanted him drives me wild. Now you must live with the fact that you wife knows that you wanted another woman.......No matter what you say that is what it comes down to. You made love to her picture.

This will take a lot of work for her to get over what has happened. She probably never will but hopefully she will make an attempt at it. I would throw away every bit of Porn that I had and turn my life completely around. Devote yourself to your wife and child and stop making excuses that all men do it. I wish you well.

[Little]

How risqué those pictures were means a lot to my opinion of the situation ... if the other woman was dressed conservatively, not too much skin showing in the pictures, I would be much more hurt than if she had it all hanging out.
Because that would mean that there was something more about this woman that you wanted to take part in, rather than just animal instinct; lust for what you were getting peeks of anyways.
I personally feel as though a marriage could recover from this. But like you said, these are her feelings and nobody should tell her that she shouldn't be hurt.
In fact, you saying that is where I knew the marriage was salvageable. There is room for forgiveness because you're making room for realizing your mistake.
Good luck.

[C]

After reading Little's post I went back and read yours again. I only realized then that you were "hopefully" taking pictures of a woman who was clothed. Then I read how you consider yourself normal and rather boring if anything.

I wish to soften my post to you. I think you got carried away with the world of fantasy. I think that your sex life needed some erotic heat in it. You were craving stimulation and so you made one of the dumbest mistakes you could have made.... I mean this is bad. Now you must figure a way to dig yourself out of this self dug grave and go to your wife and tell her the reason for the pictures..Bring along a dozen red roses and be prepared to kiss her *** if you have to...Tell her how much you love her 1,000 times and mean it... Let her know if you want more fantasy and excitement in your sexual life. Perhaps that is why you are looking at Porn to gratify yourself when you want more closeness with her. ....You must consider that when you say this to her she may kick you square between the legs making sure that you will not rise again for some time but you have got to try to make your case and make sense at the same time. If I, as a woman, needed more hot sex from my husband and was not getting enough, I, too would probably look at Porn. BUT you sound so educated and like such a nice guy and may just be boiling inside with the heat of wanting some hot sex with your own wife. Sometimes a couple can be too reserved especially when one of them wants to be wild and really let it all hang out and instead it becomes a "handshake routine"......

I believe you were not going to chase on her unless I am missing the boat and these were pictures of a nude woman. Please forgive if this sounds stup*d as I am just trying to fit some square pegs into a round hole and trying to make it work.....Again best of luck....

[Cheater?]

Thanks for your replies.

Just to say to CarolineWH that I really didn't want hot sex with this woman. It was, to me at least, nothing more than a fantasy. There is also no question that my wife and I have a bad sex life, on the contrary, we have a good sex life. We are not reserved and making love isn't a handshake routine as you put it.

To Little, the pictures weren't too risque, that is my wife's issue of course as she sees that as indicative that I wanted this woman more fully. I didn't, rather left more to the imagination. It was to me an act of selfish self gratification, one that I am paying dearly for, but more sadly, one that my wife is paying dearly for too.

I feel terrible and so I should. Some of your replies helped me understand more her point of view, although by the time I read them she had already made me understand that. What your replies did was hammer it home. I realise the seriousness of my actions on my wife's emotions and can now only hope that she can find it in her, one day, to forgive me, or that notwithstanding, at least to forget and move on. I feel at this point that things will never be the same though.

What a fool.

[Fallen1]

I understand your wife's hurt in this situation. It is a difficult thing for a woman to find out that her significant other or husband looks to other things and/or women for sexual gratification, all sorts of emotions can be involved - fear, anger, hurt, betrayal.

Be patient, give her time. I don't think this is anything that can't be worked out. I wish you the best of luck.