[LadyLane]

The fact that the woman no longer works there is probably your saving grace. The fact that your wife works for the same company and knows who this woman is - that is what is upsetting her. And as you said, you put together a collage of photos of her from various times. But I see it as a fantasy thing as well.

I am curious, however, about the male perspective on something you had said. You never wanted to sleep with her, but you masturbated looking a various photos of her. How is it that photos of her aroused you but her physical being did not? I ask because I personally would not believe my husband if the situation involved him and me and he said he didn't want to have sex with her. I would believe that he was physically attracted to her and wanted to have sex with her. Completely understanding that it is not a matter of approaching her or not, just the physical want to do it.

I think she'll get over it in time, you do have a child, but she feels betrayed and hurt that your fantasy manifested itself in a real person whom you were in close proximity to.

[Cheater?]

What I meant is that I would never have tried to sleep with her. I mean it isn't something I would want to do - that for me would be what I previously considered as cheating - a true betrayal. I never considered what I did as cheating because there was nothing physical and nor did I ever want anything physical as I am happy with my life, with our relationship. It's almost about the excitement of fantasizing about the act with someone else. I don't quite know why I need that fantasy when I have a healthy relationship. I have it about other women too - others that I know as well. But it is not something I would ever act on. Does that make any sense?

[C]

Cheater? At the time I wrote my first reply I thought that the pictures were risque. Either way there was something missing in your life that you did this. Ladylane says it pretty much in her above post.

I did not say that you were having boring sex, I just said that "sometimes" a couple can have what they think is great sex and only realize later it was pretty boring. I say this with knowledge and not blowing off steam.

I questioned why if you were having such great sex why were you also having sex with a picture? This being not a Porn picture which is so much more erotic, but one of a friend and fully clothed.

Now you have answered all my questions and I wish you well....just give her time...

[Cheater?]

I am not sure I agree that something is missing in my life. I absolutely don't feel like anything is.

I read in another thread a male poster talking about it being in our (males) DNA to want to have sex with many women. I wonder if it isn't the animal instinct in me that reveals itself through masterbation like this. I almost consider masturbation dirty somehow, and feel ashamed having done it. My wife asks why I couldn't use a picture of her, but to me (even though I have also done that) it doesn't seem right somehow - it seems dirty and wrong. Btw I am not in the least religious and have had no church upbringing.

I would be interested in what any other males think about this as I am wondering whether or not my behaviour is normal or not.

[Fallen1]

I read in another thread a male poster talking about it being in our (males) DNA to want to have sex with many women.

I am female so I don't know how the male mind works but I don't really believe in this theory completely. I admit that I may be wrong, but I tend to think that this idea is used as just an excuse for a behavior.

[Cheater?]

You could well be right. I had considered that too.

I certainly don't want to have sex with many women. Sex, or making love as I see it, is an intimate act that I believe should be shared by 2 individuals who are in love. Of course this is the romantics' notion of the subject and the reality is that one night stands are common. I never had a one night stand though, have never wanted to, but fantasize now and again about having sex with women I don't necessarily know or have any feelings for. I have done this since I was a teenager. I have never been unfaithful to my wife, in the traditional or accepted sense of the word, nor do I have any desire to be. Sometimes I think I never grew up and all those teenage habits are still with me.

[Fallen1]

but fantasize now and again about having sex with women I don't necessarily know or have any feelings for. I have done this since I was a teenager.

I think this is somewhat a normal thing for even both sexes. I think it's normal to be curious as to what it's like to be with other people. I just think there's a point to where you can think about something that it "crosses the line" so to speak if you are in a relationship.

[rcoreyus]

"Wanting" sex with lots of women is tough to define. Want covers a lot of ground.

I "want" to be a fighter pilot: The idea of flying a high performance jet airplane sounds like great fun. Of course even if I had the talent for it, it would be a huge amount of work. It would be uncomfortable - my fighter-pilot fantasies don't include the hot sweaty flight suit, hours in a cramped seat. My fantasies don't include dropping bombs on innocent civilians either. They are just fantasies.

In some sort of ideal world I would "want" to have sex with other women. Sex is fun, variety is fun. Those fantasies don't include the emotional attachments, diseases, and whole host of other reasons why it isn't a good idea in reality.

I have no idea how many men feel the way I do. It does make evolutionary sense. It takes very little effort for men to have sex - there is some evolutionary pressure for them to have sex with as many women as possible. It is a much larger investment for women (since the evolutionary goal is pregnancy), so there is pressure for them to only have sex with someone who will take care of them. There is also pressure for women to not let their husbands have sex with other women for fear that their husband's efforts will be divided.

[LadyLane]

Cheater - I don't think fantasizing is bad whatsoever, neither is masturbating. I don't feel that what you're doing is wrong. I can only describe it from my experience - I would be downright furious if I found what your wife found. However, if you fantasized about her in your mind and your wife never found out - that's another story. I don't have any delusions that when my husband fantasizes that its about me and not some hot Sport Illustrated swimsuit model. I don't ask and he doesn't tell me, and that's fine. But if I ever thought it was going to be someone he worked with, or sees in the coffee shop every morning, I would be mad that its someone in such close reach.

I believe that you've never been unfaithful to your wife, and that you don't want to be.

[ChelseaRenee]

I hate porn. I find it disrespectful, a slap in the face, and more often than not down right gross. But this was not porn she found. This was SO MUCH MORE. This was not some anonymous ****. This was a women whom you saw every day. Someone who's T&A you were oogling in the office every chance you thought you could get away with it without getting caught. If your wife is devastated, she has every right and reason.

This was not some passing fantasy. Not some woman who popped into your head while you jerked it, which I'm sure happens with every guy. This was someone you knew, and someone who was just SO irresistible to you that you just had to go scouring for pictures of her to stare at while you pleasured yourself. And as another poster said, the fact that she wasn't scantily clad would make a huge difference. It means that she's so wonderful she could be wearing a potato sack and you'd still get hot and bothered over her. Talk about a life shattering blow to your wife's self-esteem.

I've dealt with porn (the regular, anonymous kind) in my relationship and just decided it had no part in it. It makes me feel terrible, like no matter what I do, I will never be enough to satisfy him. I have no doubt your wife feels this magnified by a million. Did you cheat? Nope. Is she going through every emotion a woman who HAS been cheated on goes through? ABSOLUTELY. Good luck making it up to her. I wish you the best.