[kaylar]

LadyLane, that's how I feel. When the thought entered
his mind...that was the end of his faithfulness. That
he acted on the thought, (and is probably still acting
on the thought, though he's gotten a bit better at
concealment) suggests that his idea of marriage is not
laudable.

With children, or a child, the effect on the child needs
to be gauged.

A friend man had been an abused wife for many years.
She had a child, and when the man abused her, the
child would crumple up in the corner, whimpering.

She left her husband with virtually the clothes on
her back, and the child in her arms, and yes, they
went through some very very bad times.

But the child is okay. He's well adjusted, loving,
a big 'man' of eighteen now.

In cheating, sometimes the effect on the child is
terrifying.

Some children lose all respect for their mothers,
some get a warped view of men, some grow up to be
cheaters, so the 'staying together for the sake of
the child' is not often the right thing to do for
the sake of the child.

[AfterChildren]

In most cases, "Once a cheater, always a cheater" seems to be the norm. I am sorry that you have had to go through the pain and confusion that an affair brings. Your man and cousin disrespected you, your family, and themselves by their actions. If it is something that you can not stop thinking about or if you can't look at him without thinking about what he did to you, then maybe you should seperate, even if it is for a little while. I am in NO way telling you WHAT to do, but what I would do If I was in your position. I hope the everything works out for you in the long run. Patience is wonderful, but I think that you can be forgiven for not having any when it comes to him or her...

[Dina]

Hi Jen,

My best prayers to you for patience. I understand completely what you are feeling. I want to give you my personal opinion. I dont think you should let your husband off that easy. Chances are whats going on in his mind is that he thinks he got away with it by you loving him and being sincere. He sounds like a manipulator. I think he should suffer a consequence from you. I think you maybe should leave him for a while to let him think about what hes done, you shouldnt let him off that easy.

Another thing. I understand that this world has a lot of temptation especially with men, but the way I see it, if you gave this man the best 10 years you could and you were faithful to him, he definitely does not deserve to get off that easy. You should think about it a little.

[jpm]

THANK YOU to all of you! the situation like this is so difficult for me i am 33yrs.old a mom of 2 boys (8 and 5yrs.old) but all my life i never had a problem when it comes to love.Being married to this man is heaven i must say,although we argue sometimes which is normal to couples... we never had a fight so far.Regarding this problem i've decided to forgive him because i still love him and vice versa,i love this family so much and i knw how much he's sorry for what he did.According to him, he is so ready to face the consequences but not ready of letting me go.We've already talked heart -heart and made me realized that YES this man was sincere and honestly love me (although he made a VERY BIG MISTAKE nobody is perfect right?)because it's not that easy to admit something like this to your wife isn't it? mostly men don't.Admitting and begging to me is enough,but...i told him that what he did to me is so traumatic i'll never forget it NEVER! maybe in time my heart will heal w/ the help of GOD.I think a man like this deserves a second chance but if he'll do it again no more last chance.One more thing that made me realized, we are living in one roof,i am working that time both of them can do whatever they want but based from my cousin's testimony (i talked to her already and asked the details of what happened)my husband loves me so much but the TEMPTATION IS THERE(is this enough reason?i don't knw)but things happened,we have to move on BUT,if he'll do it again I WILL SAY GOODBYE!!!that's for sure PROMISE.I am sooooo SORRY if i dissapointed anybody...everybody deserves a second chance but make sure... no more LAST CHANCE.THANKS again to all of you...u guys are so HONEST in your own opinion pls. wish me luck on my decission MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL ALWAYS

[CM2008]

JPM

I am a guy, and have been in your position. You are correct, you'll never forget it. Especially when you have been together for a long time, and you sincerely love the other person. I was gone for a week for work and the "boyfriend" spent the week at my house, wineing, dining, showering, sleeping with my wife in my house in my bed. He even drove my **** car around while I was gone. What's up with that!

All I can say is time is the best thing to heal. But also the other person needs to be sincere, open and want to work it out, and most importantly sorry for what they did. I agonized for along time trying to decide stay or go. If it were not for seeing a marriage couselor for quite some time with my wife, I know our marriage would have been ended by me.

Through time you'll go through stages, little things will remind you, and it will probably upset you, because for some reason you run it back through your mind again and again. As time goes on, it gets better.

You just have to let it go, or it'll eat you up. Easy to say, but hard to do. People like to say once a cheater always a cheater. I don't know about that one, only time will tell. But I do know that if there ever was a next time, I would end the marriage immediately. I guess most everyone deserves one chance, but not two.

[rcoreyus]

Hi Jen,

. I think he should suffer a consequence from you. I think you maybe should leave him for a while to let him think about what hes done, you shouldnt let him off that easy.

Another thing. I understand that this world has a lot of temptation especially with men, but the way I see it, if you gave this man the best 10 years you could and you were faithful to him, he definitely does not deserve to get off that easy. You should think about it a little.

I wonder if one of the reasons "once a cheater, always a cheater" happens is that when the wife finds out, the atmosphere at home becomes so hostile that the husband feels like cheating again.

I generally feel that punishing your spouse is like punishing your foot because it became sore the last time you went for a walk. Your foot may have betrayed you, but hitting it won't make it better.

[kaylar]

One of the lessons people learn when they are unfaithful
is how not to get caught.

Very often, the cheater virtually pushes the first affair
under the nose of the other to get the reaction.

In 99.999% of the cases the cheater doesn't want the spouse
to leave and will do or say Anything to keep them.

Once the marriage is resumed, the suspicions quieted, the
cheater now creates a more difficult pattern to unravel.

The longer it goes on, the less respect the cheater has
for the other.

After all, the other is so ****** as not to catch him/her.

In many cases the parties 'stay together' because of
property/children/social obligations, and this 'love'
you hear about all the time on the radio.

As time passes, the Offended Spouse either lobotomises
herself (or himself) to pretend that 'this never happened"
or puts some kind of 'spin' on it; "The only reason she
cheated on me was because...."

It depends on how effective you are in the lobotomy
to prevent thought of the betrayal.

Often, by the time one has analysed that to death
the next affair has hit crescendo.

Trusting is nice. Trust up and until you find the
next man in the bed, the next gal wearing your
bedroom slippers.

[kaylar]

Btw...

When you get married although you may lose your name
you are not amalgamated into the other person.

You remain a complete individual.

This pathetic idea that the man and woman become
'one person' in law went out with bustles in the
1800s.

A marriage is a legal relationship between two people
like a merger, partnership, contract.
To deal with the other member of the contract as if
it were part of your body is odious.

It is repulsive to think that in the Twenty First Century
men are still seeing women as appendages; so as to have
no problem in posting:


I generally feel that punishing your spouse is like
punishing your foot because it became sore the last
time you went for a walk. Your foot may have
betrayed you, but hitting it won't make it better.



'Punishing' your spouse who betrayed you is like
punishing your secretary who stole from you,
like your dog who bit you, like the vendor who
won't live up to his warranty.

That is what it is like.

Women have to stop being brainwashed into
thinking they are 'part' of their husband.
If this were true, there wouldn't be widows.

Among certain groups; I'm thinking of the old
Indian custom of sutee and the Amerindian
custom of removing a widow from the tribe,
the death of the husband is very much the
death of the wife.

In other places one continues to live without
a husband...hence the 'foot' analogy is inapplicable.

[Guest]

they are part of each other.

[LadyLane]

JPM -

You sound like you have a very strong faith, which is helping you. "If God brings you to it, He brings you through it" - right? Well, good luck in your decision! You shouldn't worry whether or not we approve. It is your marriage. No one is perfect, that is true. But please don't be blinded by fear, either - fear losing him, of being alone, etc. You say you're in a heavenly marriage and never fight. But do you have answers as to why this perfect man, with whom you've never fought, so violated your marriage? I'm certainly not saying leave, but I am saying, learn. Your marriage cannot be "heavenly" if this happened. Something went on in his head that let it happen. But staying and fighting for your marriage and family is harder than going, I think. People give up too easily. I truly hope it all works out for you both.