[rcoreyus]

Btw...

When you get married although you may lose your name
you are not amalgamated into the other person.

You remain a complete individual.

This pathetic idea that the man and woman become
'one person' in law went out with bustles in the
1800s.

A marriage is a legal relationship between two people
like a merger, partnership, contract.
To deal with the other member of the contract as if
it were part of your body is odious.

It is repulsive to think that in the Twenty First Century
men are still seeing women as appendages; so as to have
no problem in posting:


I generally feel that punishing your spouse is like
punishing your foot because it became sore the last
time you went for a walk. Your foot may have
betrayed you, but hitting it won't make it better.



'Punishing' your spouse who betrayed you is like
punishing your secretary who stole from you,
like your dog who bit you, like the vendor who
won't live up to his warranty.

That is what it is like.

Women have to stop being brainwashed into
thinking they are 'part' of their husband.
If this were true, there wouldn't be widows.

Among certain groups; I'm thinking of the old
Indian custom of sutee and the Amerindian
custom of removing a widow from the tribe,
the death of the husband is very much the
death of the wife.

In other places one continues to live without
a husband...hence the 'foot' analogy is inapplicable.

Sorry, cant let all that go by. Of course people have different opinions, but if you view marrage as primarially a legal contract, I think you may be missing its real benefits.

I in no way implied that women were appendages, or that the joining of men and women was unequal. (or joining of whatever genders btw - but that is a different topic).

I could not hurt my spouse, without hurting myself. In fact I feel her pain far more than my own. I have seen people whose beloved spouses have died - and it seems a part of them does die as well.

I know that not all people think this way, and it it is sad.

And as a final comment, my wife and I kept our own names.

[mslog]

Get Out Now

I went through a similar situation with my husband after we had been married sixteen years. I didn't find out about it until recently, but I can tell you that it hurts like it happened yesterday. The woman, a business owner in Portland, Oregon, named [snipped], knew that my husband had two small children at home and one on the way. It didn't matter to her and it didn't matter to my husband. Don't excuse either one of the individuals involved. They are both equally guilty. Trust me. Get out of the relationship as soon as you are financially able. You will never look at your husband the same again. You will never respect him and you will always be angry about the affair.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I wonder why he told her? Was it because he pushed the boundries really to the limit, and had sex with a "family member" the worse type of betrayal a man could possibly do to a wife, besides the fact that he cheated, he cheated with HER COUSIN.

Worse, that he got of on kissing her, whilst his wife was in the house, he did not JUST CHEAT, he got excited about doing things with a relative in the marital home, whilst his wife was there.


And, worse, at one stage, knowing her heart was breaking for her child, whilst she attended hospital with that child.

Where were his feelings ABOUT HIS CHILD?

Then there is GOD. As such, i believe in the constitution of MARRIAGE and i WILL FORGIVE HIM but NOT FORGET.

Is this what our parents did, and those before them. STAY until you DIE unhappy and with so many questions and pain but WE MUST STAY.

And the COUSIN, who knows that her COUSIN believes in FAITH and therefore, her heart is different from a woman who says GET THE F.... OUT, she says, just leave please after telling me why....

The COUSIN is given a home to live, money to help by her COUSIN and she says Thank you so much for all of that, now can i sleep with your husband as well, oh won't bother asking you've given me everything else, i'll just take that to....

The Cousin and the Husband should just stay together as they are like and like, takers.

The Wife here, deserves so much more but the "love" and "passion" she has for LIFE, GOD, CHILDREN, HER COUSIN, HUSBAND, probably ANIMALS, HER EXTENDED FAMILY, HER FRIENDS, that "Love" whilst hurt is so intense she choses to remain for better or for worse.

In my opinion i commend that LOVE. But you are wasting your energy and need to learn that when you give love, you recieve it.

When you don't receive it back, then walk away from those types of people as they are not like you, they can not give that un-conditional love back that you have given and never will.

That excitement he felt, doing it in front of you, is like waving a flag saying HAHA! As, is your Cousin.

Perhaps, if you believe in GOD, then you believe in the DEVIL, and if so, then what they both did was a "devilish act" don't you think?

Perhaps, you need to see all of that love you are giving out and use it ONLY on those that deserve your love.

Sorry, but that's how i feel.

I have read lots of storys about cheating and the husband telling the wife and her forgiveness.

But, never have i read one whereby, she is in the house at the time, and he knows this. Kissing another woman whilst married is also cheating.

He was not busted.... He did not have her in the house and you walked in, he "flaunted it" if i get caught i get caught....

It, in my opinion is not about what occured but how... there is absolutely no respect at all.

You have made your mind up but don't say "SORRY" as you posted the thread but in the back of your mind you already knew your answer you would stay.

I have read many a post by Kaylar. And, suggest you go through this site and read her posts, threads.

A woman abused, is a woman abused. He abused your trust, your love, your family, your son in hospital, he abused.

In my opinion you have a "cheating abusing husband" who did not care less of your thoughts one single bit.

You will not forget, no one does. But you will not forgive either, this is bigger than anything i have read so far, where cheating is concerned.

I only hope that it doesn't eat at you daily, and that one day, you see it for what it really is and leave.

Best of wishes....

Ahh, you can really get upset reading some of these threads..........

[jpm]

Very true... CHANDLERS WISH! this act is soooo devilish,soooo worse unforgivable and unforgetable as well but i just want to try things work for my 2 kids they love thier father so much and if i will leave now because of what happened i know that it will affect them a lot,that's why i decided to stay and try to be strong.I also told my husband to leave the house but he refused to...he told me that he will help me in anyways just stay and try to save the relationship.Right now i am a bit normal unlike last month it was a nightmare!!!We talk about it once in a while in a sincere way,sometimes i can't sleep at night i am hurting still but i can't cry anymore sounds wierd.THERE IS A LOT OF PAIN inside me lots of QUESTIONS and ANGER and i want to throw it all away just to save and protect my family.As i see everyday, my husband is trying his best to mend my broken heart and mind... is it ok to hide my true feelings to him? i mean... sometimes i kept on pretending in front of him that i'm ok,happy,comportable things like that because the moment he confessed his wrong doing i do observed that he's hurting too...when i'm down he's down too i fell it he's so affected of what he did and i don't want this to happen because my children might fell it too.I know that someday they will say this; "THANKS MOM! FOR BIENG STRONG AND FOR GIVING DAD A SECOND CHANCE"(i'll let them know everything that happened to us in the right time)

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Very true... CHANDLERS WISH! this act is soooo devilish,soooo worse unforgivable and unforgetable as well but i just want to try things work for my 2 kids they love thier father so much and if i will leave now because of what happened i know that it will affect them a lot,that's why i decided to stay and try to be strong.I also told my husband to leave the house but he refused to...he told me that he will help me in anyways just stay and try to save the relationship.Right now i am a bit normal unlike last month it was a nightmare!!!We talk about it once in a while in a sincere way,sometimes i can't sleep at night i am hurting still but i can't cry anymore sounds wierd.THERE IS A LOT OF PAIN inside me lots of QUESTIONS and ANGER and i want to throw it all away just to save and protect my family.As i see everyday, my husband is trying his best to mend my broken heart and mind... is it ok to hide my true feelings to him? i mean... sometimes i kept on pretending in front of him that i'm ok,happy,comportable things like that because the moment he confessed his wrong doing i do observed that he's hurting too...when i'm down he's down too i fell it he's so affected of what he did and i don't want this to happen because my children might fell it too.I know that someday they will say this; "THANKS MOM! FOR BIENG STRONG AND FOR GIVING DAD A SECOND CHANCE"(i'll let them know everything that happened to us in the right time)

JPM, mmm.. how do i answer this?

So, firstly, you are not doing this for you , i commend you on that. Secondly the children are 5 & 8 of by memory and if you chose later to go, if things don't fall back into pattern and you can't cope, they will trust me.

I can say from my childhood that i truly only remember 11 onwards, i am not saying this is the case with all children, please don't get me wrong, but something happened at 11, where i recalled true love, it was from my grandmother. AND the doors opened. She was a "wise soul" and it assisted in me growing.

The truth is, that a lot of women suffer and protect their children.

I grew up with an un-loving mother. I left at 16 as a result. And the values my parents taught me, lets just say, i am a successful business woman whom if things work out right, will have her next sexual adventure 1 year after leaving her ex-husband.

I do not have children, i was one. I remember. I can talk from the other side, the children's side.

There is no reason why your husband would not continue loving his children and show that effection and love. There is, now, tension between you which would have to be evident even when you hide it.

I am purely saying, you are all important. Nothing has touched me as much as your story in this Forum of cheating husbands.

Nothing.

You do what you need to do, what you feel. But you know and you have agreed with me, not only can you not forget, but not forgive. So somewhere down the tract that will eat at you, it has to.

He may very well regret, he refuses to leave. It was in your words "first time" your Cousin may have been the instigator, the taker, he may have thought with a man's possession, as the inner bad boy came out, the fact that he told you may be, one in a million, he may truly be real and let temptation get to him.

My only problem with your story was that he did it in your house, in front of you so to speak and whilst your child was sick. That type of " sexual arrousement forgoes any feelings. I am betting at some stage, you will re consider and i don't blame you for waiting and holding on, love is love, you have too much to give, perhaps that's your problem, you see it as the love for your children. Irrespective you have so much love in you. It is a beautiful gift and i as i said, won't condemn that.

No, to your question. Is is wrong for you, not him, but you to try to hide your true feelings from him.

It is a means of you trying to accept it all, take it in and tell him "it's ok" i am ok", your not okay or you wouldn't pose the question. Would you? NO.

It is something you don't want to manifest either, or feel daily so tell him the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth, you understand.

But that you will try. This is not about a woman "scorned" so keep him on his toes. Or, continue to make him feel bad.

This is deep, emotional pain. Be honest, you know that is the best for you, don't be scared by being that person. It is you he hurt, not he you hurt. Don't be frightened, you have nothing to lose. Your love that you have shown, is for 2 people, not one if it doesn't go to plans, your children will be blessed and loved 2 fold.

Just someone be as strong as you are and both try to talk without those little ones around for the time being, then they won't be affected.

Sure, he is hurting, he probably hasn't had the love he has, in his entire life and went with "temptation"..

She your Cousin has a lot to explain in my opinion.

I am curious and of course you don't have to answer but it would help me more here, what she said to you in this regard.

Some women are non "who cares" and in your answer to me, you have not mentioned her, i appreciate that may be hurt, but it might also be you accept what she has said.

Your call.

So, i'm sorry obviously, i struck something there, but i'm pleased to as it is important if you pose a question, then people can try to give you an answer.

What therefore, apart from you children did, and do you love about him?

Perhaps, start with writing a "pro and con" list left and right paged and see what ads up the most, with honesty.

Again, i'm just flabagasted that you helped this Cousin and this was her thanks, and his.

But you know without the full picture anyone will just reply as they read it.....

[kaylar]

One of the things that people don't often consider
is that this society wears clothing. We don't walk
around naked. Hence, to cheat requires a removal
of some bits of clothing.

This action ends all the 'it just happened' excuses.

Further, we are a society that does not usually
engage sex in public.

Hence, the location of a private space is necessary.

This, again, ends all the 'it just happened' excuses.

This was premedited, it was a process that began
from the first secret smile, went through some kisses
in the corner, some fondling, until the time was right
and they got it on.

Now, to my mind, I would find it very difficult to
believe that this husband had never been unfaithful
before.

He had never been caught before, but faithful?
Not likely.

I tell you why I say this;

If he fell so powerfully in love with cousin that he
couldn't 'help himself' he would go to wife wanting
the divorce. He'd tell his wife he no longer loved
her, and moved away.

He would have done this before he had sex with the
female.

Hence, sex would have happened after the admission
of his feelings.

As there was no request for divorce, he didn't fall
in love with cousin. He just screwed it. He screwed
it because it was screwable.

Men who screw because they encounter screwable females
have done so, will do so, again.

[abundant]

I agree with you 100 percent.
He cheated maybe more than once.Did he admit this or did you catch him ?
You need to see a counselor,because you will probably will start blaming yourself. Please don't. How sad that he also showed no regard to his family(kids)

[jpm]

I agree with you 100 percent.
He cheated maybe more than once.Did he admit this or did you catch him ?
You need to see a counselor,because you will probably will start blaming yourself. Please don't. How sad that he also showed no regard to his family(kids)

In fairness to my husband,he's been a very loyal and faithful one before until this girl lives w/ us.He never cheat/lie to me before i'm very sure of this.He stays w/ me all the time after work,we go out w/ him all the time.He likes to spend his time w/ us than his friends mostly his/our friends are the one who come in the house. I know my husband very well that's why i'm doing this for all of us especially for our children.

[jpm]

Thank you!CHANDLERS WISH and KAYLAR, your opinion is correct! i know all of this things but...what is wrong w/ "TRYING"? I am trying to save my relationship my family.I know that no one has the right to abuse or hurt anybody especially thier loveones but things happen for some reasons.For me, i think i have also my mistake because for the first time i fell something wrong in my house i just ignored it because i trust my husband so much but things already happened i have to go on w/ our life,i have kids to protect so if i can save our relationship i will.Me and my husband is also a victim of a broken family both of our parents are separated,as we've talked he told me to hang on,try to save our marriage, though my heart is aching i said ok i'll try only for our children but deep in my heart i still love him and i don't want to show him what i'm feeling right now for him to suffer that's why i go on pretending sometimes.There is no pretensions in front of our kids because the thruth is we really love each other until now,only me who pretend in front of my husband for a reason.About the girl? you are correct KAYLAR, she is so "screwable" one! i know that! i know this girl from head to toe she's always bumping into a"married man"and i don't know why.Before this live-in issue i was kinda nervous and worry because she might do this to me! i remember the first time she met my husband...she's always saying nice things about him that he is so handsome,loving, resposible,faithful what can you ask for? things like that so when she ask me for help again i ask permission to my husband, at first he said no! after some try everything turns ok but there is something running on my mind at that time,the tendency that she might do the same thing as she did to others, i set aside that feeling and let her live w/us.I also blaming myself for this! as i've said we have to go on w/ our lives it's not the end of the world for me if the love for each other is still there? fight for it! go for it!at the end of the day it's you who will suffer the consequences no one to blame except yourself.According to them they never talked about anything the "sex" issue happened in our appartment 2x and the rest issue is in our "own house" what a nightmare!!! no one can swallow this kind of act i know that! but for me?i'll sacrifice if it is for the good reason 'coz if only for myself? ohh c'mon...i'll automatically say goodbye! i have rules in life just for myself but if somebody is involved i'll break it for good.I suggest to all of you, having problem is a normal thing to all of us...if it is worth saving for?go for it! solving a problem is the very first thing to do! don't give up automatically,you might end up regreting because you did not try at all! especially if FAMILY is concern.REMEMBER... you have to love youself while doing such thing.Don't ever let anyone abuse you again and again never! human made thier mistakes,asking for forgiveness BUT if he/she is doing this for many times he/she is not HUMAN anymore you should STOP giving chances don't SUFFER because of them go on w/ your life w/o this person, LIFE IS SO SHORT... LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Thank you!CHANDLERS WISH and KAYLAR, your opinion is correct! i know all of this things but...what is wrong w/ "TRYING"? I am trying to save my relationship my family.I know that no one has the right to abuse or hurt anybody especially thier loveones but things happen for some reasons.For me, i think i have also my mistake because for the first time i fell something wrong in my house i just ignored it because i trust my husband so much but things already happened i have to go on w/ our life,i have kids to protect so if i can save our relationship i will.Me and my husband is also a victim of a broken family both of our parents are separated,as we've talked he told me to hang on,try to save our marriage, though my heart is aching i said ok i'll try only for our children but deep in my heart i still love him and i don't want to show him what i'm feeling right now for him to suffer that's why i go on pretending sometimes.There is no pretensions in front of our kids because the thruth is we really love each other until now,only me who pretend in front of my husband for a reason.About the girl? you are correct KAYLAR, she is so "screwable" one! i know that! i know this girl from head to toe she's always bumping into a"married man"and i don't know why.Before this live-in issue i was kinda nervous and worry because she might do this to me! i remember the first time she met my husband...she's always saying nice things about him that he is so handsome,loving, resposible,faithful what can you ask for? things like that so when she ask me for help again i ask permission to my husband, at first he said no! after some try everything turns ok but there is something running on my mind at that time,the tendency that she might do the same thing as she did to others, i set aside that feeling and let her live w/us.I also blaming myself for this! as i've said we have to go on w/ our lives it's not the end of the world for me if the love for each other is still there? fight for it! go for it!at the end of the day it's you who will suffer the consequences no one to blame except yourself.According to them they never talked about anything the "sex" issue happened in our appartment 2x and the rest issue is in our "own house" what a nightmare!!! no one can swallow this kind of act i know that! but for me?i'll sacrifice if it is for the good reason 'coz if only for myself? ohh c'mon...i'll automatically say goodbye! i have rules in life just for myself but if somebody is involved i'll break it for good.I suggest to all of you, having problem is a normal thing to all of us...if it is worth saving for?go for it! solving a problem is the very first thing to do! don't give up automatically,you might end up regreting because you did not try at all! especially if FAMILY is concern.REMEMBER... you have to love youself while doing such thing.Don't ever let anyone abuse you again and again never! human made thier mistakes,asking for forgiveness BUT if he/she is doing this for many times he/she is not HUMAN anymore you should STOP giving chances don't SUFFER because of them go on w/ your life w/o this person, LIFE IS SO SHORT... LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST.

Well the main thing is jpm, is that you released your feelings outside for all to hear and was heard.

People will always give their "opinion" when asked and people will always "choose" to take it or ignore it.

I think a lot would agree that what ever you didn't like as a child you do everything out of your power to ensure it doesn't happen to you as an adult, be it the way the children are bought up, or your relationships in life.

And, i feel that this may very well be what you are doing, ensuring your child's parents don't grow up with a mum and dad, living in separate houses.

I think they keep these posts, threads on here for a very long time.

Perhaps if in doubt again later, just re-read them.

Learn to follow also maybe your "intuition" she is never or hardly ever wrong, well i think never but..... And if you get that "gut" feeling, not to do something next time, don't do it. But blame is not on you, remember that, you can't make people have sex, even if you allow someone in your house that you think may try.

Best of wishes and luck...