Update after counseling
His comment: "I know I control her, but it's like a gift... when you give someone a gift you cannot take it away. She gave me control over her and now she cannot just decide to take it away."
I told him I didn't want to live with him right now. I told the couselor when asked if I felt comfortable and safe living with him and wanted to work things out I said "no, I cannot feel safe with someone who does not respect me, controls me, and someone I am afraid of". She said "I know".
He admitted to controlling me, calling to check up, trying to find out what I am thinking at all times. She didn't seem to be concerned. She did tell him his forceful body language and loud forceful voice was something uncomfortable for most people and particularly me since I grew up in an abusive home. He said sorry, thats the way he is and he is not resonsible for my screwed up childhood, but that I needed to fix that and not bring it on him. She tried to tell him how to change it. She asked if I was willing to offer him words of affirmation each day to encourage him because he felt insecure about the direction of the marriage and if I wanted to stay in it. I said I am the one that said I wanted out 2 months ago. He wanted counseling and to 'fix' everything. I was not able to offer him anything until he was willing to show me some respect and stop controlling. She told me I needed to do my part to help him because he was crying out for help. She told me to encourage him everyday and to write down words that he could use to show me respect because he didn't know what meant by respect.
Then she told us we needed to learn active listening skills and do a relationship assessment and would see us in 2 weeks.
WTF?????
After getting home I initiated the conversation again and asked if he had heard me. He said yes, and knew I didin't want to be with him but had no other real options. If I wanted to be separated I could do that still living in the same house. He told me years ago that I should never ever get in a word sparing contest with him unless I had a death wish. I do not think he meant physical death wish but mental. He said he would always win at all costs. I asked last night if he still felt that way and he said yes, he will win at all costs. I asked what part of love did that play into a marriage. He told me I was twisiting things again.
I told him if he wanted to maintain the marriage he would have to approach me like when we first met, flirt, enamore me, win me back and let me start to regain trust from the beginning. He would not be allowed any sort of control whatso ever. He said he wouldn't last very long that way. I asked if he loved me or needed me. He said both. I asked if he liked me acting independent and refusing his control and he said absolutely not! He needed to control me to feel loved.
I told him I didn't want to live with him right now. I told the couselor when asked if I felt comfortable and safe living with him and wanted to work things out I said "no, I cannot feel safe with someone who does not respect me, controls me, and someone I am afraid of". She said "I know".
He admitted to controlling me, calling to check up, trying to find out what I am thinking at all times. She didn't seem to be concerned. She did tell him his forceful body language and loud forceful voice was something uncomfortable for most people and particularly me since I grew up in an abusive home. He said sorry, thats the way he is and he is not resonsible for my screwed up childhood, but that I needed to fix that and not bring it on him. She tried to tell him how to change it. She asked if I was willing to offer him words of affirmation each day to encourage him because he felt insecure about the direction of the marriage and if I wanted to stay in it. I said I am the one that said I wanted out 2 months ago. He wanted counseling and to 'fix' everything. I was not able to offer him anything until he was willing to show me some respect and stop controlling. She told me I needed to do my part to help him because he was crying out for help. She told me to encourage him everyday and to write down words that he could use to show me respect because he didn't know what meant by respect.
Then she told us we needed to learn active listening skills and do a relationship assessment and would see us in 2 weeks.
WTF?????
After getting home I initiated the conversation again and asked if he had heard me. He said yes, and knew I didin't want to be with him but had no other real options. If I wanted to be separated I could do that still living in the same house. He told me years ago that I should never ever get in a word sparing contest with him unless I had a death wish. I do not think he meant physical death wish but mental. He said he would always win at all costs. I asked last night if he still felt that way and he said yes, he will win at all costs. I asked what part of love did that play into a marriage. He told me I was twisiting things again.
I told him if he wanted to maintain the marriage he would have to approach me like when we first met, flirt, enamore me, win me back and let me start to regain trust from the beginning. He would not be allowed any sort of control whatso ever. He said he wouldn't last very long that way. I asked if he loved me or needed me. He said both. I asked if he liked me acting independent and refusing his control and he said absolutely not! He needed to control me to feel loved.
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