[FedUp7777]

To clarify, DD is bipolar/ADHD/ODD. The ADHD comes from me, the bipolar from my side of the family, the ODD, who knows. This is her 2nd hospitalization since diagnosed 2 years ago. Her meds stopped working, but the verbal abuse has been forced on me since she learned to speak. She hurts inside and wants me to hurt for her. So the mental illness is something I lived with all my life, my younger sister is bipolar, and god knows what my dad is other than extremely emotionally and physically abusive. H uses all this against me. When he starts distorting my thoughts and feelings he throws out that my family is mental so I must be so I ceratinly do not know what I am talking about. He says that I may have to deal with all his faults and self righteous self centered personality but he has to put up with the baggage I bring from my crazy mental family. DD blames me for giving this to her and he does not stop that either.

I question allowing DD back home with the chaos or queit chaos going on right now. We were visiting her the other day and he knows he kept me from going to my martial arts class the night before but he told her she was responsible. I countered and said no, that he was the cause but he just ignored and told her it was her fault. He is very tied emotionally to her. I had to threaten to leave last Nov when she was over the top abusing me. I told him if he didn't stop her and stop supporting her I was out. He cried for 3 days because he knew if he tried to discipline her she would not like him as much. He said this over and over, how he knew he was loosing a part of himself. She blames me now for turning him against her.

As for his counselor, he's just starting this week. We saw her for 3 visits as a couple. I refused to go anymore so he is going alone for his own problems now. So there really isn't much going on yet. She knows how much he has hurt me and how much I am no longer willing to work at the marriage and how much he says it hurts him. That's about all that's gone on. So I cannot say if she will help or hurt in all this. My counselor is awesome and I have seen her for years now because of my family background and DD's issues.

[FedUp7777]

I asked him tonight what he thinks it takes to love me. He said he has been listening to me for the past month and realizes that to love me he must learn to respect me, be willing to not question my coming and going, to learn how to treat me as an equal, stop trying to control my thoughts, stop telling me how to do things, etc. I said those things were a requirement to acknowledge me as human being. If he has to learn those things that he will never be able to love me because he will be spending all his energy trying to treat me as a human. I said gentleness, kindness, compassion, empathy, are all things that show love. He says he shows love by worrying and taking care of me and being overprotective because he loves me so much. I asked if when he sees an overprotective parent on the ball field if that is love the parent the parent is showing or being selfish and more concerned about how they are hurt? It hit a cord and he started getting irrate so I left the room. Later much talk, talk, talk. Then I said I would be moving out next month. He chased me down and asked how the conversation should have been, how he was supposed to respond. I told him i cannot spend my life trying to teach him these things. That they are either there or not. I said I will go to the ends of the earth for someone I love that I truely do not want to loose. I said that person would be foremost in my mind all the time, that I would not be trying to figure out how to make myself feel good by making them respond the way I wanted. More blah, blah, blah. Then he stopped suddenly and said no more arguements, no more blame games. He would show me he loves me even if it makes him uncomfortable. He wanted to know if I would believe him. I said actions are the only things I believe. He said he has been attempting that and I will not respond correctly. I said you keep disrespeting me and parenting me in public. He said I do not give him enough time to learn from what I am teaching him. Then he said no more talk, he will show actions and I will know it. God help me - what is coming next...

[FedUp7777]

I answered my own question this morning. He has already called being real sweet and asked me to go on a date with him Saturday night. He said I did not have to answer yet... so I said I do not have an answer yet. Then I found a note on my purse telling me to have nice day and he's thinking about me. I am reading Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" and I see the steps he is taking. I'm already able to see through this facade.

Last night during our discussion the fact that I do not fight fair came up again. Here's the typical scenario from all 20 years. He does or says something that hurts my feelings or makes me uncomfortable or puts me down or whatever. I say to him that this happened, "you hurt my feelings by doing this" or "that made me very uncomfortable" etc. I believe the healthy response is something like "I didn't realize that I was doing that and will try to not do it again. Please help me understand when I hurt you." But that's not our home! He responds how much I am hurting him by bringing it up, how he sees it all a different way, how wrong I am and how I do not know what I am talking about. I repspond with I am trying to tell you how you hurt me and you are countering with how I hurt you. This is about my feelings and about what is hurting me right now. He places all emphasis on him. Then his response is "see, we cannot have a healthy conversation because you will never take my feelings into consideration. It is always about you. You never listen to me. You have done this and this and this over the years to hurt me and now you want me to listen to you? You do not know what you are talking about".

I am still planning to move out in April. I know he is manipulating me because he saw last night that I was really serious about moving and he is desperate now. I am ready to run at any minute if needed. Plus DD is supposed to come home today. I spoke with the Dr. about my concerns and there will be a family meeting before she can come home. That should be very interesting because I will not let the issues be blamed on me again!

Thanks to all of you for helping me. I have a rough road to travel as my therapist says. It is not going to be easy, but I know in the end it will be worth it! Peace, contenment, self respect, self love, all the things that will make me healthy are the things I am striving to have in my life again. I told someone last night that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life with self respect than to live another day under his domain. Their response... "you really have reached the end of your rope haven't you". My answer... Yes